Day 3...

[90 50]

Just checking on you bro, I know you told me yesterday it was getting tough.

Just remeber how this feels, and what you’ve gone through so far.

Giving in now to “ease” the withdrawals, just means you will have to start this ALL OVER AGAIN.

It’s gonna get better. Keep pushing.

 

[closequarters]

well boys, something powerful just happened.

I broke down. Completely. but not in the way youre probably thinking.

I have the best mom in the world. legitimately. no argument. She has always spoiled the hell out of me. but as I got older, and more and more fucked up, I started to push her away. Always made an excuse that I was too busy to see her. Often didnt respond to her messages, etc. I think the reason for this, is I was trying to do her a favor. In my fucked up mind I was making it so that it would sting less when I finally fucked up a little too hard and she got that call that they couldnt save me this time.

I've never been one to show my emotions. To anybody. Family, friends, lovers. No one. I wear a mask at all times and bury that shit. I get that from my dad I suppose. I never saw him cry or even raise his voice a single time.

but I just told my mom I needed to talk to her more than ever, and basically told her I'm sorry for being such a screwup and putting her through so much. I'm sorry she had to consider the possibility she was never going to see her son alive again while waiting for hours in the lobby of a hospital. Basically fessed up everything about what I've been up to. its been obvious for years and years whats been going on, but whenever she would ask me to seek help I would always brush it off and tell her I dont need any help.

Idk how to even finish this post. my mind is absolutely fucking scrambled right now. but I gotta get through this shit no matter what. not just for me but also for my mom

I’m not going to say it’s a bad thing to have a heart to heart with your mom because it may help repair some of the damage you did in the past. But since your mind is so scrambled right and you’re full of anxiety, you should probably avoid any more conversations like this with anyone else. You might regret sharing things (even if they’re true) in this state.

If you want to have these conversations with people wait until you can decide what you want to share (with a clear mind) and when you don’t sound manic.

Just my opinion. Good luck. Last piece of advice. Get lost in some long tv series. You need to get your mind off of things right now and getting lost in another reality for 5-6 seasons (of any show) will help pass time the next couple of days.

 

[Iron Nick]

Congrats man and best of luck on your further journey!

 

[CrimsonFan]

well boys, something powerful just happened.

I broke down. Completely. but not in the way youre probably thinking.

I have the best mom in the world. legitimately. no argument. She has always spoiled the hell out of me. but as I got older, and more and more fucked up, I started to push her away. Always made an excuse that I was too busy to see her. Often didnt respond to her messages, etc. I think the reason for this, is I was trying to do her a favor. In my fucked up mind I was making it so that it would sting less when I finally fucked up a little too hard and she got that call that they couldnt save me this time.



I've never been one to show my emotions. To anybody. Family, friends, lovers. No one. I wear a mask at all times and bury that shit. I get that from my dad I suppose. I never saw him cry or even raise his voice a single time.

but I just told my mom I needed to talk to her more than ever, and basically told her I'm sorry for being such a screwup and putting her through so much. I'm sorry she had to consider the possibility she was never going to see her son alive again while waiting for hours in the lobby of a hospital. Basically fessed up everything about what I've been up to. its been obvious for years and years whats been going on, but whenever she would ask me to seek help I would always brush it off and tell her I dont need any help.

Idk how to even finish this post. my mind is absolutely fucking scrambled right now. but I gotta get through this shit no matter what. not just for me but also for my mom

I've got almost 3 months clean, doing really well.

Go to sober living man, that's what I did. I was dreading the thought of it, but it wound up being a really good experience and being around like minded people keeps you in check. Its also pretty cheap. I strongly recommend you do so

I just moved yesterday, still in a sober house.. but alot less restrictions.. i'm allowed to have my girlfriend over and come and go as I please. I just have two roommates and my own room now, and the only rule is keep the house and your room clean and be sober

I also go to an AA meeting everyday.. also something I used to hate the idea of but it works for me.

 

[IloveTHIS]

Just checking on you bro, I know you told me yesterday it was getting tough.

Just remeber how this feels, and what you’ve gone through so far.

Giving in now to “ease” the withdrawals, just means you will have to start this ALL OVER AGAIN.

It’s gonna get better. Keep pushing.

not doing great. its hard to explain but everything just feels so wrong. I cant focus on anything. I got shit I really need to do, and physically can do, but I just feel mentally paralyzed in place and cant overcome it.

 

[90 50]

not doing great. its hard to explain but everything just feels so wrong. I cant focus on anything. I got shit I really need to do, and physically can do, but I just feel mentally paralyzed in place and cant overcome it.

I can definitely relate, this is the excuse my ex always used and fell off over and over again.

“I have shit I have to do!”
“Just needed a little bit to get by, and tomorrow will start detox AGAIN”

Just keep thinking about how shitty it has felt so far, and any falling off is gonna start it all over again.

You can do it bud. This is day 5 now, it’s gonna get better.

You don’t want to keep going through this over and over. Push through it.

 

[IloveTHIS]

I can definitely relate, this is the excuse my ex always used and fell off over and over again.

“I have shit I have to do!”
“Just needed a little bit to get by, and tomorrow will start detox AGAIN”

Just keep thinking about how shitty it has felt so far, and any falling off is gonna start it all over again.

You can do it bud. This is day 5 now, it’s gonna get better.

You don’t want to keep going through this over and over. Push through it.

this is just so weird and exhausting man. the things I am experiencing are COMPLETELY anything I ever have before. obviously over 10 years, a few times some mistakes are gonna happen so you know very well what w/d feels like. but this time so much shit is different. it really makes me feel like my brain/body is broken.

plus I go back to work tomorrow, in a new department I really dont think I will be a fan of. PLUS, I'm moving lol. I thought it would be fun to just change absolutely everything and reinvent myself and leave no shred/remembrance of the junkie. New job, new environment, etc. But I think I shouldnt have stacked so much shit on myself at one time. feeling so overwhelmed.

my new house is a massive upgrade. unfortunately, I cant even begin the process of getting all my shit there lol. zero energy/motivation

 

[snowbro]

Good work TS! Halloween us a perfect day to be going through withdrawls. Day 8 youll get agreat nights rest.

 

[The Hash Slinging Slasher]

All you can do is the next right thing. Hope you keep it up man.

 

[Drain Bamage]

this is just so weird and exhausting man. the things I am experiencing are COMPLETELY anything I ever have before. obviously over 10 years, a few times some mistakes are gonna happen so you know very well what w/d feels like. but this time so much shit is different. it really makes me feel like my brain/body is broken.

plus I go back to work tomorrow, in a new department I really dont think I will be a fan of. PLUS, I'm moving lol. I thought it would be fun to just change absolutely everything and reinvent myself and leave no shred/remembrance of the junkie. New job, new environment, etc. But I think I shouldnt have stacked so much shit on myself at one time. feeling so overwhelmed.

my new house is a massive upgrade. unfortunately, I cant even begin the process of getting all my shit there lol. zero energy/motivation

How you doing homie? Been awhile since an update

 

[IloveTHIS]

How you doing homie? Been awhile since an update

Thanks for asking bro. I'm doing good. Honestly the hardest thing is the mental turmoil much more than the physical at this point.

I find myself feeling fine physically but my brain gets into what I can only describe as thought loops that bring me to the point of insanity. I start to rationalize going back to using, that I might as well, Ive earned it, life is fucking pointless anyways, etc. And it's like I cant sit still while at the same time dont want to do absolutely anything.

Sometimes I have to laugh at myself because I realize even when I am doing well, I still actively try to talk myself into self sabotaging.

I don't know. It seems like I am always in a constant fog. And I really truly doubt that "itch" to abuse drugs will ever go away. I worry that even if I get 5 years under my belt all it will take is one bad day or one major depressive episode to throw it all away. But I'm getting by and big progress is big progress...thanks again for checking in. I know with out a shadow of a doubt I wouldnt have even made it this far with out encouragement of this thread

 

[davidlemonparty]

@IloveTHIS hey man I can't relate to your experience of withdrawal directly but definitely can imagine how rough it could be.
Big ups for like 10 days sober now? Or more?
I know you can do it man you gotta be over the worst of it now!!

 

[Okajima]

As dumb and retarded as sherdog forums are a lot of the time, it's great to see so many people offering their support and advice. Keep it up TS, lots of people here are rooting for you, myself included.

 

[genecop]

well boys, something powerful just happened.

I broke down. Completely. but not in the way youre probably thinking.

I have the best mom in the world. legitimately. no argument. She has always spoiled the hell out of me. but as I got older, and more and more fucked up, I started to push her away. Always made an excuse that I was too busy to see her. Often didnt respond to her messages, etc. I think the reason for this, is I was trying to do her a favor. In my fucked up mind I was making it so that it would sting less when I finally fucked up a little too hard and she got that call that they couldnt save me this time.

I've never been one to show my emotions. To anybody. Family, friends, lovers. No one. I wear a mask at all times and bury that shit. I get that from my dad I suppose. I never saw him cry or even raise his voice a single time.

but I just told my mom I needed to talk to her more than ever, and basically told her I'm sorry for being such a screwup and putting her through so much. I'm sorry she had to consider the possibility she was never going to see her son alive again while waiting for hours in the lobby of a hospital. Basically fessed up everything about what I've been up to. its been obvious for years and years whats been going on, but whenever she would ask me to seek help I would always brush it off and tell her I dont need any help.

Idk how to even finish this post. my mind is absolutely fucking scrambled right now. but I gotta get through this shit no matter what. not just for me but also for my mom

Like

 

[genecop]

yea its just wild how much worse today is compared to yesterday. its like 10x worse. no idea why that is.

it feels like I've gotten right up to the brink of a full on massive panic attack, the likes of which I have never experienced to this degree. but in stead of dropping off...I'm just riding it for hours on end. never ending

on top of that I have some of the worst nausea ever. I have this bizarre disgusting taste/sensation in the back of my throat that makes me want to puke

Welcome to the party...

 

[genecop]

Thanks for asking bro. I'm doing good. Honestly the hardest thing is the mental turmoil much more than the physical at this point.

I find myself feeling fine physically but my brain gets into what I can only describe as thought loops that bring me to the point of insanity. I start to rationalize going back to using, that I might as well, Ive earned it, life is fucking pointless anyways, etc. And it's like I cant sit still while at the same time dont want to do absolutely anything.

Sometimes I have to laugh at myself because I realize even when I am doing well, I still actively try to talk myself into self sabotaging.

I don't know. It seems like I am always in a constant fog. And I really truly doubt that "itch" to abuse drugs will ever go away. I worry that even if I get 5 years under my belt all it will take is one bad day or one major depressive episode to throw it all away. But I'm getting by and big progress is big progress...thanks again for checking in. I know with out a shadow of a doubt I wouldnt have even made it this far with out encouragement of this thread

Kratom helped bridge the gap for me, it’s a bitch in its own right, but you need to survive...The battle gets hopeless, you can only endure so many days feeling like your head is in a bowl and every step is a mountain...good luck..

 

[lostdog000]

good work
dump all your dirtbag friends too
maybe find something healthy to get really serious about

u made it thru the hardest part, everything is easier after that. u can stop forever no problem

 

[I Am Legion]

this is just so weird and exhausting man. the things I am experiencing are COMPLETELY anything I ever have before. obviously over 10 years, a few times some mistakes are gonna happen so you know very well what w/d feels like. but this time so much shit is different. it really makes me feel like my brain/body is broken.

plus I go back to work tomorrow, in a new department I really dont think I will be a fan of. PLUS, I'm moving lol. I thought it would be fun to just change absolutely everything and reinvent myself and leave no shred/remembrance of the junkie. New job, new environment, etc. But I think I shouldnt have stacked so much shit on myself at one time. feeling so overwhelmed.

my new house is a massive upgrade. unfortunately, I cant even begin the process of getting all my shit there lol. zero energy/motivation

The hell you have been through will be a waste if you go back, only to have to go through it all over again. Deal with the hell NOW. Keep telling yourself “This too shall pass” and “Don’t be a fucking pussy”, be tough on yourself. You can do it.

 

[Dusty Rhodes]

Opiates, benzos, muscle relaxers

Damn, sounds like Scott Hall and Jake Roberts in the 90's my dude.

They are doing well now though. So keep fighting and stay strong homie

 

[Phlog]

Thanks for asking bro. I'm doing good. Honestly the hardest thing is the mental turmoil much more than the physical at this point.

I find myself feeling fine physically but my brain gets into what I can only describe as thought loops that bring me to the point of insanity. I start to rationalize going back to using, that I might as well, Ive earned it, life is fucking pointless anyways, etc. And it's like I cant sit still while at the same time dont want to do absolutely anything.

Sometimes I have to laugh at myself because I realize even when I am doing well, I still actively try to talk myself into self sabotaging.

I don't know. It seems like I am always in a constant fog. And I really truly doubt that "itch" to abuse drugs will ever go away. I worry that even if I get 5 years under my belt all it will take is one bad day or one major depressive episode to throw it all away. But I'm getting by and big progress is big progress...thanks again for checking in. I know with out a shadow of a doubt I wouldnt have even made it this far with out encouragement of this thread

IIRC it can take 18 months or so to get back to normal dopamine levels. It's not forever and it gets easier. You can do this, you deserve to be saved from it.