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- Dec 7, 2011
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Well my sherbrethren I have reached a milestone I honestly did not think I would ever come close to. Cant really explain it but randomly a few days ago I woke up and decided enough is enough and to finally put the fucking drugs down and stop killing myself. Sure I had thought about it a thousand times before but something about this time was just different. A moment of clarity I guess. Somehow I had zero doubt in my mind I would not fail this time.
So here I am on day 3 of being clean and not throwing junk into my body. Havent been able to make it this long, 3 days, in over 10 years. Hell I honestly could not even tell you how many years its been since I had 1 single day free.
my pupils are absolutely massive. I havent been able to sleep more than 40 minutes total these 3 days. Lost count of how many times I've vomited. my muscles have been spasming/cramping BAD. and maybe worst of all, the thought of food, any food in the world, sounds absolutely repulsive. I cant even take a bite of anything with out heaving. it feels like my entire body is violently shaking even if I'm 100% certain I'm not moving at all
Im ice cold yet profusely sweating. basically I feel like absolute death. Im not religious but all I can do is pray this is as worse as its going to get. but the funny thing is despite feeling so unfathomably horrible, life seem brighter than it has in many years. I find myself just imagining what this new me could be...what I could turn my future in to when I have 10 days, 30 days, 6 months, a year, 10 years free. before nothing in the world seemed more pointless and annoying than thinking about my future. I didnt want a future.
just gonna keep knocking down one day at a time and get it done. long road ahead, and I definitely am not going to say I'm "recovered" because I havent given in for a whole 3 days. but I'm gonna appreciate each little step....in a weird sadistic way I almost enjoy how absolutely hellish mentally and physically this is. because it is going to burn it into my brain to never, ever have to do it again because of relapsing. but hollyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy fuck this sucks
love u guys. sorry if this post is a little rambling. I'm sleep and food deprived and emotional.
tldr: I been fukkin up for long time, finally decided to no longer fukk up
So here I am on day 3 of being clean and not throwing junk into my body. Havent been able to make it this long, 3 days, in over 10 years. Hell I honestly could not even tell you how many years its been since I had 1 single day free.
my pupils are absolutely massive. I havent been able to sleep more than 40 minutes total these 3 days. Lost count of how many times I've vomited. my muscles have been spasming/cramping BAD. and maybe worst of all, the thought of food, any food in the world, sounds absolutely repulsive. I cant even take a bite of anything with out heaving. it feels like my entire body is violently shaking even if I'm 100% certain I'm not moving at all
Im ice cold yet profusely sweating. basically I feel like absolute death. Im not religious but all I can do is pray this is as worse as its going to get. but the funny thing is despite feeling so unfathomably horrible, life seem brighter than it has in many years. I find myself just imagining what this new me could be...what I could turn my future in to when I have 10 days, 30 days, 6 months, a year, 10 years free. before nothing in the world seemed more pointless and annoying than thinking about my future. I didnt want a future. just gonna keep knocking down one day at a time and get it done. long road ahead, and I definitely am not going to say I'm "recovered" because I havent given in for a whole 3 days. but I'm gonna appreciate each little step....in a weird sadistic way I almost enjoy how absolutely hellish mentally and physically this is. because it is going to burn it into my brain to never, ever have to do it again because of relapsing. but hollyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy fuck this sucks
love u guys. sorry if this post is a little rambling. I'm sleep and food deprived and emotional.
tldr: I been fukkin up for long time, finally decided to no longer fukk up
