Day 3...

IloveTHIS said:
Well my sherbrethren I have reached a milestone I honestly did not think I would ever come close to. Cant really explain it but randomly a few days ago I woke up and decided enough is enough and to finally put the fucking drugs down and stop killing myself. Sure I had thought about it a thousand times before but something about this time was just different. A moment of clarity I guess. Somehow I had zero doubt in my mind I would not fail this time.

So here I am on day 3 of being clean and not throwing junk into my body. Havent been able to make it this long, 3 days, in over 10 years. Hell I honestly could not even tell you how many years its been since I had 1 single day free.

my pupils are absolutely massive. I havent been able to sleep more than 40 minutes total these 3 days. Lost count of how many times I've vomited. my muscles have been spasming/cramping BAD. and maybe worst of all, the thought of food, any food in the world, sounds absolutely repulsive. I cant even take a bite of anything with out heaving. it feels like my entire body is violently shaking even if I'm 100% certain I'm not moving at all o_O Im ice cold yet profusely sweating. basically I feel like absolute death. Im not religious but all I can do is pray this is as worse as its going to get. but the funny thing is despite feeling so unfathomably horrible, life seem brighter than it has in many years. I find myself just imagining what this new me could be...what I could turn my future in to when I have 10 days, 30 days, 6 months, a year, 10 years free. before nothing in the world seemed more pointless and annoying than thinking about my future. I didnt want a future.


just gonna keep knocking down one day at a time and get it done. long road ahead, and I definitely am not going to say I'm "recovered" because I havent given in for a whole 3 days. but I'm gonna appreciate each little step....in a weird sadistic way I almost enjoy how absolutely hellish mentally and physically this is. because it is going to burn it into my brain to never, ever have to do it again because of relapsing. but hollyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy fuck this sucks



love u guys. sorry if this post is a little rambling. I'm sleep and food deprived and emotional.

dcaba3b75dc67c1b15c548a43aba1ca9.jpg


tldr: I been fukkin up for long time, finally decided to no longer fukk up
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You sound like you need a drink.
 
irc said:
You haven't posted in a bit. How you doing brother?
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honestly, not bad at all. I managed to get a candy bar and bag of peach rings down, as well as a chocolate milkshake. my body freaked out a little bit from such a sugar spike after eating absolutely nothing for 70+ hours, but then I managed to fall asleep for like 2 hours. now wide awake again unfortunately, but all things considered I'm hanging in there
 
I just lost my best friend to drugs, and it's killing me. After seeing what he went through to try to quit, I dont have a lot of hope anymore but I hope you prove me wrong.
 
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Seraldo Babalu said:
I just lost my best friend to drugs, and it's killing me. After seeing what he went through to try to quit, I dont have a lot of hope anymore but I hope you prove me wrong.
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Im so sorry to hear that man. all I can say is I am all in. not gonna lie Im pretty miserable right now. I just had to have a very important face to face meeting. I almost had an anxiety attack just driving 15 minutes to get there. not to mention, the worry that I might shat myself in front of this person. or that they might notice how on edge I am, hands trembling, etc.

one of the hardest things Ive ever had to do. but its done.

ngl day 4 is feeling worse already than 2 or 3....but I'm going to make this. theres no other option. I would rather die, literally right now, than continue the life I've been on. Thats no exaggeration.

and seriously I can not thank you guys enough. the support in this thread has been unreal.
 
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IloveTHIS said:
fuckkkkkkk guys I dont know why but today is the hardest day yet...just hitting me like a fucking hurricane
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Most hurricanes got chick names! you gonna get bowled over by a chick? Did ya learn nuthin from no simp September?
 
zapataxiv said:
Most hurricanes got chick names! you gonna get bowled over by a chick? Did ya learn nuthin from no simp September?
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I cant even describe what I am feeling right now. all I know is it is soul crushing. I want to crawl into a ball and cry

Im not giving up but holy fuck this is bad. I was really hoping I was through the worst of it
 
good to hear....as others have said...we're proud of you...anyone that even understands a fraction of what youre going through is proud of you

one day at a time...line em up...knock em down, you got this.....welcome to the new you my friend

Drain Bamage said:
Good for you bro

PS. Smoking weed makes quitting all that shit a thousand times easier
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side question, is that you in your avi?? if so...you really look like the singer from Portugal the Man lol

 
well boys, something powerful just happened.

I broke down. Completely. but not in the way youre probably thinking.

I have the best mom in the world. legitimately. no argument. She has always spoiled the hell out of me. but as I got older, and more and more fucked up, I started to push her away. Always made an excuse that I was too busy to see her. Often didnt respond to her messages, etc. I think the reason for this, is I was trying to do her a favor. In my fucked up mind I was making it so that it would sting less when I finally fucked up a little too hard and she got that call that they couldnt save me this time.

I've never been one to show my emotions. To anybody. Family, friends, lovers. No one. I wear a mask at all times and bury that shit. I get that from my dad I suppose. I never saw him cry or even raise his voice a single time.

but I just told my mom I needed to talk to her more than ever, and basically told her I'm sorry for being such a screwup and putting her through so much. I'm sorry she had to consider the possibility she was never going to see her son alive again while waiting for hours in the lobby of a hospital. Basically fessed up everything about what I've been up to. its been obvious for years and years whats been going on, but whenever she would ask me to seek help I would always brush it off and tell her I dont need any help.

Idk how to even finish this post. my mind is absolutely fucking scrambled right now. but I gotta get through this shit no matter what. not just for me but also for my mom
 
IloveTHIS said:
I cant even describe what I am feeling right now. all I know is it is soul crushing. I want to crawl into a ball and cry

Im not giving up but holy fuck this is bad. I was really hoping I was through the worst of it
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Try to keep the perspective. You feel bad because of drugs, or lack thereof now, and its only temporary.

You got this bro.

Imagine it's like weight cutting for a fight - the fight being the next phase in your now better life.
 
Drain Bamage said:
Try to keep the perspective. You feel bad because of drugs, or lack thereof now, and its only temporary.

You got this bro.

Imagine it's like weight cutting for a fight - the fight being the next phase in your now better life.
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yea its just wild how much worse today is compared to yesterday. its like 10x worse. no idea why that is.

it feels like I've gotten right up to the brink of a full on massive panic attack, the likes of which I have never experienced to this degree. but in stead of dropping off...I'm just riding it for hours on end. never ending

on top of that I have some of the worst nausea ever. I have this bizarre disgusting taste/sensation in the back of my throat that makes me want to puke
 
IloveTHIS said:
yea its just wild how much worse today is compared to yesterday. its like 10x worse. no idea why that is.

it feels like I've gotten right up to the brink of a full on massive panic attack, the likes of which I have never experienced to this degree. but in stead of dropping off...I'm just riding it for hours on end. never ending

on top of that I have some of the worst nausea ever. I have this bizarre disgusting taste/sensation in the back of my throat that makes me want to puke
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Yeah kind of like a super extended come down

You trying to keep moving? Try and go for a walk and just keep going. The more you get everything flowing inside you the quicker your body will return to equilibrium state.

Try to just nibble some kind of food. Like... crumbs at a time. And keep moving.
 
IloveTHIS said:
yea its just wild how much worse today is compared to yesterday. its like 10x worse. no idea why that is.

it feels like I've gotten right up to the brink of a full on massive panic attack, the likes of which I have never experienced to this degree. but in stead of dropping off...I'm just riding it for hours on end. never ending

on top of that I have some of the worst nausea ever. I have this bizarre disgusting taste/sensation in the back of my throat that makes me want to puke
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WHat you're going through is one of the worst feelings in life. Try to keep that perspective. It's not your normal state, it will get better.
 
Skarr said:
good to hear....as others have said...we're proud of you...anyone that even understands a fraction of what youre going through is proud of you

one day at a time...line em up...knock em down, you got this.....welcome to the new you my friend

side question, is that you in your avi?? if so...you really look like the singer from Portugal the Man lol

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Is it not Charlie Day from Always Sunny?
 
IloveTHIS said:
I cant even describe what I am feeling right now. all I know is it is soul crushing. I want to crawl into a ball and cry

Im not giving up but holy fuck this is bad. I was really hoping I was through the worst of it
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you have to embrace it on some level....realize you are the one that has done this to yourself and created this struggle you MUST now climb .....embrace it by realizing that once you are through this you will be stronger than you ever have been before....realize that something has a control of you and hate that with every bit of your being ((im sure you do and thats why youre at the point youre at)) you got this.....

its time for you to become the Phoenix, this is your fire and you will rise from the ashes ...rebirthed....restrengthened and redefined

Laeta Juventus
 
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