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In light of @jeff7b9 's thread about KIT for pain, I have decided to share my experience with KIT for mental health. I apologize in advance for the long read.
I'm not trying to persuade or dissuade anyone from pursuing this form of therapy, I'm only here to share my experience.
How did I get introduced to KIT?
In my last couple years in the military (Air Force) before I retired I was seeing a therapist who said I'd be an ideal candidate on account that I am unresponsive to anti-depressants. I have been on a total of nine anti-depressants; Paxil, Zoloft, Effexor, Viibryd, Wellbutrin, Celexa, Elavil, Buspar, and Lexipro. They all made my symptoms worse and I was a magnet for ALL of the side effects. In fact, I've never been suicidal but the only time I ever thought about suicide was on anti-depressants. So now I avoid them.
I'll omit how I eventually got seen because that could be its own thread. Just know the Department of Veterans Affairs sucks and in my case made things worse.
What I went for:
PTSD - Mostly stemming from childhood trauma; sexual and physical abuse, drug-addled narcissistic mother, neglect. But also from my cancer experience and the ex-wife who cheated on me while going through all that. Story here: https://forums.sherdog.com/threads/9-years-cancer-free-today.4254436/
Depression - pretty self-explanatory, stemming from my experiences in life.
Anxiety - anxiety from fear of recurring trauma, and then having cancer really kicked anxiety into high gear.
Agoraphobia - this is relatively new, within the past few years. This stems from pistanthrophobia, the fear of trusting people. I could make a thread just about that alone. But I have both withdrawn and pushed everyone close to me away (especially family) for so many reasons that in therapy one day I coined the phrase, "People in my life are just balloons on a string and I always carry a pair of scissors". I don't live near family and the "friends" that live near me are more of acquaintances. My only few close friends don't live near me and I would have a hard time living near them for various reasons.
The sessions:
Six treatments, twice a week for three weeks. My last treat was June 5th. I was in a comfy chair with a weighted blanket and an eye mask. I had my noise-canceling headphones and a playlist I made: Therapy Playlist
The infusion itself lasted 50 minutes, however, as stated in @jeff7b9 's thread, time distorts and 50 minutes could feel like 50 minutes or 5 hours. The clinicians there said they start veterans at a higher dose than non-vets because we tend to be far more guarded.
First session - felt nothing, maybe a little tingly at the end, but nothing to write home about. The physician assistant who administered the infusion was surprised I didn't go out the first time.
Second-sixth sessions - Definitely disassociated, they don't use the word trip. But no visuals like I thought would happen. I had a lot of emotions. I experienced and relived a lot. During my fourth session, Matthew McConaughey as Wooderson from Dazed and Confused was my "spirit guide".
After the sessions was a wild time! Sometimes I felt a quarter of an inch tall, other times I felt like the Stay Puff'd Marshmellow Man. Like I was a giant walking in slow motion.
The Good:
Agoraphobia and Anxiety were addressed even after the first session where I didn't feel anything. After the second session, I noticed a HUGE improvement. It was like going from 100% down to 30%, just within that first week. I can go in public more easily. I'm more engaging with people I encounter in public. I can actually talk to people without any trepidation. I was able to take an Über, which previously would have been one of the biggest no's.
My inner monologue and thoughts changed, which improved my depression some but not all the way as I'll discuss later. I wasn't caught in the repetitive jouska's (internal arguments in your head) I'd have in my head. I thought about new and different things and things I hadn't thought about in years. I felt more creative. I had more energy. I've been able to take care of myself and the things I needed to do.
The way I described it was that so much of my brainpower had been used to cosset all my symptoms that my daily functioning life was essentially on autopilot. Once the miasma of my negative thoughts dispersed I could actually feel things differently.
The PTSD is slow going, however, I have noticed improvements. For instance, I haven't had a nightmare since I started.
And I've lost weight, but there's a caveat.
Unintended result, my back and leg pain have diminished greatly to the point that my limp has been reduced and I can walk down a flight of stairs without discomfort.
The Bad:
You may have heard about veterans backing into parking spaces, never sitting with their backs toward the door, and knowing where the exits are... this is also true with your mind as well. Meaning when I went in I mentally knew where the back door was. What I mean by that is, that even though I wanted treatment and was open and receptive, my subconscious was still trying to protect me. I wasn't able to fully surrender control because I knew I was just in a chair, in a room, at a clinic. I subconsciously knew where the back door was. I feel that if I were to do this treatment in my home, where I have home court advantage I would have surrendered control more easily. So I think that's why my therapy was slightly hindered.
The Ugly:
As I mentioned above, the fear of trusting people is a huge issue that I was hoping to get some resolution. However, this treatment reinforced that to a degree. While I'm more engaging in public and open and talkative, when it comes to interpersonal relationships, I was reminded why I keep everyone at a distance. I had relived some repressed memories that my brain blocked for some reason. While physically these memories were not worse than what I can remember, emotionally it was worse. The memories were less about what happened to me, but more about who was involved. In essence, my subconscious was saying, "You want to know why you don't trust people? HERE'S WHY!" And the part that I'll share on that, which wasn't revealed in treatment but has essentially been my mantra for a while is, "I'm tired of telling people how I need to be loved and still never receiving it. I'm tired of meeting people where they need to be met and no one meeting me where I need to be met. I'm tired of giving people the opportunity to let me down because that's all that ever happens".
The other part that was reinforced was monachopsis, the feeling of always being out of place. I've felt like that since I was a teenager. I've felt that I never fully fit in anywhere and I've always been on the hunt for "my tribe". This was reinforced by my subconscious basically saying, "People treat you the way they do because you don't actually fit in, they're not your tribe." That was rough. Conversely, it didn't remove all hope in finding "my tribe" but actually bolstered that hope. This ultimately
The Odd:
I've lost all desire to eat, which sucks because I was a foodie. I still eat, however, I let myself go hungry sometimes because I don't have a desire to eat. And if I cook something I don't eat it all because I don't want to, not because I'm full. Today I went to run errands and was going to eat while out, but didn't because nothing appealed to me. In the past two weeks, my daily caloric intake has been under 1500 calories. So that's odd.
Final thoughts:
While I can say I have benefited from the treatments, they didn't fully deliver the clarity I had hoped. Was it worth it? Ultimately yes, because I was able to get resolution in areas I desperately needed. Again, if you're considering this form of treatment please be aware that this is a very individualized form of treatment and one size does not fit all. So your results may vary.
Thank you for coming to my TED talk.
I'm not trying to persuade or dissuade anyone from pursuing this form of therapy, I'm only here to share my experience.
How did I get introduced to KIT?
In my last couple years in the military (Air Force) before I retired I was seeing a therapist who said I'd be an ideal candidate on account that I am unresponsive to anti-depressants. I have been on a total of nine anti-depressants; Paxil, Zoloft, Effexor, Viibryd, Wellbutrin, Celexa, Elavil, Buspar, and Lexipro. They all made my symptoms worse and I was a magnet for ALL of the side effects. In fact, I've never been suicidal but the only time I ever thought about suicide was on anti-depressants. So now I avoid them.
I'll omit how I eventually got seen because that could be its own thread. Just know the Department of Veterans Affairs sucks and in my case made things worse.
What I went for:
PTSD - Mostly stemming from childhood trauma; sexual and physical abuse, drug-addled narcissistic mother, neglect. But also from my cancer experience and the ex-wife who cheated on me while going through all that. Story here: https://forums.sherdog.com/threads/9-years-cancer-free-today.4254436/
Depression - pretty self-explanatory, stemming from my experiences in life.
Anxiety - anxiety from fear of recurring trauma, and then having cancer really kicked anxiety into high gear.
Agoraphobia - this is relatively new, within the past few years. This stems from pistanthrophobia, the fear of trusting people. I could make a thread just about that alone. But I have both withdrawn and pushed everyone close to me away (especially family) for so many reasons that in therapy one day I coined the phrase, "People in my life are just balloons on a string and I always carry a pair of scissors". I don't live near family and the "friends" that live near me are more of acquaintances. My only few close friends don't live near me and I would have a hard time living near them for various reasons.
The sessions:
Six treatments, twice a week for three weeks. My last treat was June 5th. I was in a comfy chair with a weighted blanket and an eye mask. I had my noise-canceling headphones and a playlist I made: Therapy Playlist
The infusion itself lasted 50 minutes, however, as stated in @jeff7b9 's thread, time distorts and 50 minutes could feel like 50 minutes or 5 hours. The clinicians there said they start veterans at a higher dose than non-vets because we tend to be far more guarded.
First session - felt nothing, maybe a little tingly at the end, but nothing to write home about. The physician assistant who administered the infusion was surprised I didn't go out the first time.
Second-sixth sessions - Definitely disassociated, they don't use the word trip. But no visuals like I thought would happen. I had a lot of emotions. I experienced and relived a lot. During my fourth session, Matthew McConaughey as Wooderson from Dazed and Confused was my "spirit guide".
After the sessions was a wild time! Sometimes I felt a quarter of an inch tall, other times I felt like the Stay Puff'd Marshmellow Man. Like I was a giant walking in slow motion.
The Good:
Agoraphobia and Anxiety were addressed even after the first session where I didn't feel anything. After the second session, I noticed a HUGE improvement. It was like going from 100% down to 30%, just within that first week. I can go in public more easily. I'm more engaging with people I encounter in public. I can actually talk to people without any trepidation. I was able to take an Über, which previously would have been one of the biggest no's.
My inner monologue and thoughts changed, which improved my depression some but not all the way as I'll discuss later. I wasn't caught in the repetitive jouska's (internal arguments in your head) I'd have in my head. I thought about new and different things and things I hadn't thought about in years. I felt more creative. I had more energy. I've been able to take care of myself and the things I needed to do.
The way I described it was that so much of my brainpower had been used to cosset all my symptoms that my daily functioning life was essentially on autopilot. Once the miasma of my negative thoughts dispersed I could actually feel things differently.
The PTSD is slow going, however, I have noticed improvements. For instance, I haven't had a nightmare since I started.
And I've lost weight, but there's a caveat.
Unintended result, my back and leg pain have diminished greatly to the point that my limp has been reduced and I can walk down a flight of stairs without discomfort.
The Bad:
You may have heard about veterans backing into parking spaces, never sitting with their backs toward the door, and knowing where the exits are... this is also true with your mind as well. Meaning when I went in I mentally knew where the back door was. What I mean by that is, that even though I wanted treatment and was open and receptive, my subconscious was still trying to protect me. I wasn't able to fully surrender control because I knew I was just in a chair, in a room, at a clinic. I subconsciously knew where the back door was. I feel that if I were to do this treatment in my home, where I have home court advantage I would have surrendered control more easily. So I think that's why my therapy was slightly hindered.
The Ugly:
As I mentioned above, the fear of trusting people is a huge issue that I was hoping to get some resolution. However, this treatment reinforced that to a degree. While I'm more engaging in public and open and talkative, when it comes to interpersonal relationships, I was reminded why I keep everyone at a distance. I had relived some repressed memories that my brain blocked for some reason. While physically these memories were not worse than what I can remember, emotionally it was worse. The memories were less about what happened to me, but more about who was involved. In essence, my subconscious was saying, "You want to know why you don't trust people? HERE'S WHY!" And the part that I'll share on that, which wasn't revealed in treatment but has essentially been my mantra for a while is, "I'm tired of telling people how I need to be loved and still never receiving it. I'm tired of meeting people where they need to be met and no one meeting me where I need to be met. I'm tired of giving people the opportunity to let me down because that's all that ever happens".
The other part that was reinforced was monachopsis, the feeling of always being out of place. I've felt like that since I was a teenager. I've felt that I never fully fit in anywhere and I've always been on the hunt for "my tribe". This was reinforced by my subconscious basically saying, "People treat you the way they do because you don't actually fit in, they're not your tribe." That was rough. Conversely, it didn't remove all hope in finding "my tribe" but actually bolstered that hope. This ultimately
The Odd:
I've lost all desire to eat, which sucks because I was a foodie. I still eat, however, I let myself go hungry sometimes because I don't have a desire to eat. And if I cook something I don't eat it all because I don't want to, not because I'm full. Today I went to run errands and was going to eat while out, but didn't because nothing appealed to me. In the past two weeks, my daily caloric intake has been under 1500 calories. So that's odd.
Final thoughts:
While I can say I have benefited from the treatments, they didn't fully deliver the clarity I had hoped. Was it worth it? Ultimately yes, because I was able to get resolution in areas I desperately needed. Again, if you're considering this form of treatment please be aware that this is a very individualized form of treatment and one size does not fit all. So your results may vary.
Thank you for coming to my TED talk.
Aye aye, sir.
