How to stop water hitting your ass when u take a shit.

Discussion in 'Archives' started by Magic Man, Jun 25, 2002.

  1. Magic Man

    Magic Man Guest

    K, I think we all hate the feeling of water splashing on our asses when we take that number two, so I invented a method of keeping your ass dry.

    Get a single square of 2-ply toilet paper (the 2-ply will trap more air buggles in between the two sheets), and lay it gently on the surface of the water.

    And whalla! When you take a shit, the paper will catch your shit in it's descent, at the same time cushioning the fall and reducing splashage, THUS keeping your ass dry.

    NOTE: make sure you take a shit shortly after laying down the paper (I would recommend no more than 10 seconds), as any longer than a few moments, will cause the paper to become water logged thus placing you in your previous dilemma.

    Another create tip brought to you, by magic man.
     
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  2. shidokanartist

    shidokanartist De-Comp-Poser

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    I think you are on track with this but we need to refine it if at all possible. I f the water drops are dead on "bulls eyes" it seems to help with the clean up process. If the blow back is a shotgun blast that totally sucks. The only way to effectively clean that up is with a shower. I wonder if there is any way too rifle the spalsh back?
     
  3. Chrits

    Chrits Brown Belt

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    MAgic your a gentlement and a scholar! Your on a role with topic threads LOL
     
  4. Cesaro

    Cesaro Black Belt

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    i'm not a fan of it, but i have noticed that the splash does aid in the post-dump cleaning process. however, i don't exactly know how sanitary that is. i don't normally get splashed unless i'm pinching a thick, solid log. over the years i've mastered numerous techniques while on the bowl, if need be i can be in and out in a matter of minutes without embarrassment. i have the clean up and waste management mastered, some could compare it to rickson's rear naked choke. if i'm worried a log may have enough propulsion behind it to break the sound barrier, i timefully throw a handful of change on the floor or swiftly slam my knee against the closest thing possible. i've learned that turning on water or running a fan for background music doesn't always work, it muffles the sound to you but sometimes it isn't always an ear candy for those within range. if things don't go as planned and i'm in the john longer than planned, my excuses are still shakey but i think i'm improving on them.
     
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  5. Neil Allen

    Neil Allen Amateur Fighter

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    In trying to keep the gap between laying the sheet and shitting to a minimum I shit all over my hand. Thanks a bunch Magic Man now I have to wash my hands before pulling my pants back up.

    Whats the best technique for stopping your bell end dangling in the water? Dont say hang it outside because when squeezing out a shit some piss inadvertantly always appears.
     
  6. Cesaro

    Cesaro Black Belt

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    you either have a large package or a small toilet. i've never had this problem.
     
  7. Neil Allen

    Neil Allen Amateur Fighter

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    Cesaro the pinching thing doesn't work for me I just can't get it working, I just roll my huge log around the boll. I know what you mean about the Rickson Gracie technique but I prefer doing the Silva jumping footstomp to loosen a big dangler and hopefully send it falling into the muddy swamp.
     
  8. seldomTap

    seldomTap Slowest black belt ever

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    easiest solution is to actually shit out side like a dog, no water, no mess no fuss!

    What is this Toilet paper of which you speak???
     
  9. Neil Allen

    Neil Allen Amateur Fighter

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    I was adopted at birth by a family of travelling midgets so all our amenities are midget sized so I encounter many problems most normal family's wouldn't come across.
     
  10. donegal

    donegal Red Belt

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    Just shit on the floor, no splashback then. If need be call the dog up for its dinner....!
     
  11. donegal

    donegal Red Belt

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    Oh yeah he might even toss ur salad for u...
     
  12. Cesaro

    Cesaro Black Belt

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    seldom, one time my friend tried that when he was drunk at a concert a year or so back.. somehow the meat loaf left a few stains around his back pockets right around where your belt loops are, then he stepped in it on his way out.
     
  13. seldomTap

    seldomTap Slowest black belt ever

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    BuI am sure with practice,, he would have developed his technique so as to eradicate the problem
     
  14. Neil Allen

    Neil Allen Amateur Fighter

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    Hhhmmm toss my salad eh. Thanks for that Donegal, you are full of useful advice my dog will have some serious cleaning up to do from now on.
     
  15. Cesaro

    Cesaro Black Belt

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    whats the deal with dogs eating turds? has anyone ever seen this?
     
  16. Neil Allen

    Neil Allen Amateur Fighter

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    I have never seen this dog eating shit stuff but it must go on, I will let you know after I try for myself. Just think of all money I could have saved on toilet paper over the years.
     
  17. donegal

    donegal Red Belt

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    When I was young I took my little beloved hound for a walk up the river.

    While on this walk I took short and had to drop the bags behind a large bush. After sqeezing out an orange turd (y do u turds looks orange outside??) my little buddy bounced in and ate it whole.

    Our relationship was never quite the same after that.....
     
  18. Big Remo

    Big Remo Brown Belt

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    keep flushing while you drop your kids off, the swirl doesn't splash back as much as calm water.
     
  19. Cesaro

    Cesaro Black Belt

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    you don't have to worry about it stopping up either with multiple flushes, some people might think you have problems though if there is anyone close.
     
  20. Magic Man

    Magic Man Guest

    Dude, I am all about environmentally friendly solutions, that wastes a ton of water...goddamn capitalists.

    LMFAO, you guys are too much, I almost spilt my english tea on my green carpet.

    Another point in question, do you guys ever find it is actually sometimes much easier to shit when you are relaxing and not trying for a nuclear explosion? Also, punching yourself repeatedly in the stomach is a great stimulator - just don't do in public cause it sounds like you're wanking...very methodically.

    - m
     

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