First date horror stories

[SMillard]

was in a bookstore and strike up a conversation with this girl. Really pretty face, kind of a fat ass average girl. She tells me she was a probation officer, but was striking out on her own to form her own company and she was there doing research. Somehow we get on the subject of backgammon and she asks if I'd be interested in going to her place sometime to play. I agree, we exchange numbers then we part ways.

I get a call a couple days later for the invite. She asks me to bring a bottle of wine, so I show up and she had the board layed out on the couch. We are sitting there playing, talking and drinking the wine and out of nowhere comes this dog. She introduces me to him with the stupid baby talk most people tend to use with pets. I pet him and she puts him down and he runs off.

The girl starts telling me about how she hates when guys just try to use her for sex and how she has won plus sized beauty pageants in the past and since she had lost weight she was trying to get into regular beauty pageants. I was getting this "don't try to sleep with me unless you want a girlfriend" vibe, so I put the thought out of my mind.

All of a sudden the dog brings out this oversized stuffed rabbit into the living room and starts humping it. She feigns embarrassment and says "stop rex(or whatever his name was)" and laughs, I can't help but laugh myself. After a few minutes the dog stops and runs into another room. About five minutes later he brings a pillow into the room and starts humping that too. He finishes then runs out the room. Basically this goes on for the rest of the time I was there, he kept bringing out various stuffed animals and pillows, buggering them then run out the room.

Finally it's time for me to go and she is walking with me to the front door and we walk by her "office" which was a converted bedroom and there was the dog up on a loveseat, again going at it on one of the armrests.

 

[The Special One]

Not really a traditional "first date" story but funny nonetheless:

A week before graduating from college, we had a senior week where each group of friends would essentially throw a theme party at their house every night of the week. The Thursday night before the Saturday graduation, I went to a "famous duos" party which essentially consisted of you and a friend dressing in costumes. Some of the costumes were the ambiguously day duo, Cher and Sonny Bono, Axel and Slash - that sort of thing.

A buddy and I decide to go as Seigfried and Roy and dress up in these flamboyant costumes. This was right around the time that one of those dudes got bit. The idea was to essentially act like assholes the entire night. When we showed up to the party I made a big point of gathering everyone around and my buddy was under my cape. I then "uncovered" or "revealed" him like some sort of magic trick. It was lame as fuck.

My costume consisted of tight white sweat pants, a purple cape, a lot of chest hair, a wig and I also wore an athletic cup to accentuate the size of my bulge because the sweats were ridiculously tight.

After the party, we went to an after party despite being completely inebriated and there was a younger girl there that I had known a little bit and seen around but we didn't know each other that well at all. Really cute girl.

For some reason that I will never understand, she was really digging what I was throwing out there as Seigfreid that night and we started dancing and she was getting all excited about the prospects of taking down Seigfried's large and artificially inflated package.

So we start dancing at this after party and by this point its about 4AM and its a total shit show - whatever remaining people were there were just encircling us and watching Seigfried and this girl dry hump on the dance floor which I'm sure wasn't pretty.

At this point, she basically drags me up to her room (she lived at this house) and start making out and getting down to business. I was on the fringe of black out. Fast forward to about 10 or 11AM and I wake up completely naked. This was now Friday morning, the day before graduation. I look over and there is another girl in the room that I know in another bed who I am friends with. She's laughing at me and I'm starting to pick up the pieces and realize what was going on. I had no idea that this chick shared her room with this other girl. So I'm sitting there in the nude, bewildered, and the girl whose bed I am in is still passed out. I tell the other girl to be quiet because I wanted to slip out and not to wake this girl up.

So I slip on the athletic cup that I was wearing and throw my purple cape and wig on. I have no idea where the sweatpants went as they were probably buried amongst a mountain of dirty clothes in this girls room. I dart out of there trying to pull a Seigfried disappearing act. I realized at this point that I'm probably a good 10 minute walk from my apartment so I literally start jogging home, feeling like I'm going to puke, in what was left of my Seigfried costume which at this point was essentially just the purple cape, a jock strap and wig.

As I get closer to my apartment building, I get totally harassed by a crew of dudes that are doing some maintenance work on a nearby building being called every name in the book. I yelled back "I'm Seigfried from Seigfried and Roy, fuckers!" and just kept sprinting right by them.

I remained friends with that girl and although we never hooked up again, whenever we saw each other we'd both kind of laugh about it without ever directly bringing it up. It was just in her eyes. Occasionally I'd say things to her like "don't act like that night wasn't magic" and she would laugh.

 

[WalkenWouldOwn]

Not really a traditional "first date" story but funny nonetheless:

A week before graduating from college, we had a senior week where each group of friends would essentially throw a theme party at their house every night of the week. The Thursday night before the Saturday graduation, I went to a "famous duos" party which essentially consisted of you and a friend dressing in costumes. Some of the costumes were the ambiguously day duo, Cher and Sonny Bono, Axel and Slash - that sort of thing.

A buddy and I decide to go as Seigfried and Roy and dress up in these flamboyant costumes. This was right around the time that one of those dudes got bit. The idea was to essentially act like assholes the entire night and we showed up to the party with him under my cape and "uncovered" him like some sort of magic trick. It was lame as fuck.

My costume consisted of tight white sweat pants, a purple cape, a lot of chest hair, a wig and I also wore an athletic cup to accentuate the size of my bulge because the sweats were ridiculously tight.

After the party, we went to an after party despite being completely inebriated and there was a younger girl there that I had known a little bit and seen around but we didn't know each other that well at all. Really cute girl.

For some reason, she was really digging what I was throwing out there as Seigfreid that night and we started dancing and she was getting all excited about the prospects of taking down Seigfried's large and artificially inflated package.

So we start dancing at this after party and by this point its about 4AM and its a total shit show - whatever remaining people were there were just encircling us and watching Seigfried and this girl dry hump on the dance floor which I'm sure wasn't pretty.

At this point, she basically drags me up to her room (she lived at this house) and start making out and getting down to business. I was on the fringe of black out. Fast forward to about 10 or 11AM and I wake up completely naked. This was now Friday morning, the day before graduation. I look over and there is another girl in the room that I know in another bed who I am friends with. She's laughing at me and I'm starting to pick up the pieces and realize what was going on. I had no idea that this chick shared her room with this other girl. So I'm sitting there in the nude, bewildered, and the girl whose bed I am in is still passed out. I tell the other girl to be quiet because I wanted to slip out and not to wake this girl up.

So I slip on the athletic cup that I was wearing and throw my purple cape and wig on. I have no idea where the sweatpants went as they were probably buried amongst a mountain of dirty clothes in this girls room. I dart out of there trying to pull a Seigfried disappearing act. I realized at this point that I'm probably a good 10 minute walk from my apartment so I literally start jogging home, feeling like I'm going to puke, in what was left of my Seigfried costume which at this point was essentially just the purple cape, a jock strap and wig.

As I get closer to my apartment building, I get totally harassed by a crew of dudes that are doing some maintenance work on a nearby building being called every name in the book. I yelled back "I'm Seigfried from Seigfried and Roy, fuckers!" and just kept sprinting right by them.

I remained friends with that girl and although we never hooked up again, whenever we saw each other we'd both kind of laugh about it without ever directly bringing it up. It was just in her eyes. Occasionally I'd say things to her like "don't act like that night wasn't magic" and she would laugh.

And a new contender for one of the best stories emerges!

The costume makes it incredible. Would be better with a pic though (of the original costume, not the tattered remains)

 

[fatalis]

So my first date with my ex was interesting.

We went to a local bar and knocked back a few jagers. A song I like came on and I started mouthing the words and my date noticed and started singing, I joined in and eventually we're bellowing out the chorus while standing on the table. Of course the bar staff hated this and we were kicked out so we decided to get something to eat but the only place that was open was next to the cinema so I thought fuck it we should see a movie and get popcorn and nachos. We settled down into the movie and it was pretty empty so because we found it funny we started throwing popcorn at each other until we ended up having a full blown popcorn fight. Of course by the time the movie had ended we realised we were still both hungry and our food was all over the floor so we walked next door to the chicken place. When we got in there we were walking to a table and I slipped and knocked into some black guys causing them to drop their food. Needless to say they were not happy. We went outside and I got in a little fight and my date got scared and said "We're going back to my place". I whistled for a cab and when it came near the license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror if anything I could say that this cab was rare but I thought 'Nah, forget it' - 'Yo, homes to Bel Air' I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 And I yelled to the cabbie 'Yo homes smell ya later' I looked at my kingdom I was finally there to sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel Air.

 

[The Special One]

And a new contender for one of the best stories emerges!

The costume makes it incredible. Would be better with a pic though (of the original costume, not the tattered remains)

Unfortunately, this occurred in about 2004 so pre-cell phone cameras. I think I may have been rocking one of the old school Motorola Razr's around this time. I don't even think people were texting really back then so if photos do exist, they are probably sitting on someone's undeveloped disposable camera roll.

Glad you were entertained.

 

[WalkenWouldOwn]

So my first date with my ex was interesting.

We went to a local bar and knocked back a few jagers. A song I like came on and I started mouthing the words and my date noticed and started singing, I joined in and eventually we're bellowing out the chorus while standing on the table. Of course the bar staff hated this and we were kicked out so we decided to get something to eat but the only place that was open was next to the cinema so I thought fuck it we should see a movie and get popcorn and nachos. We settled down into the movie and it was pretty empty so because we found it funny we started throwing popcorn at each other until we ended up having a full blown popcorn fight. Of course by the time the movie had ended we realised we were still both hungry and our food was all over the floor so we walked next door to the chicken place. When we got in there we were walking to a table and I slipped and knocked into some black guys causing them to drop their food. Needless to say they were not happy. We went outside and I got in a little fight and my date got scared and said "We're going back to my place". I whistled for a cab and when it came near the license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror if anything I could say that this cab was rare but I thought 'Nah, forget it' - 'Yo, homes to Bel Air' I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 And I yelled to the cabbie 'Yo homes smell ya later' I looked at my kingdom I was finally there to sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel Air.

 

[KOPower24]

was in a bookstore and strike up a conversation with this girl. Really pretty face, kind of a fat ass average girl. She tells me she was a probation officer, but was striking out on her own to form her own company and she was there doing research. Somehow we get on the subject of backgammon and she asks if I'd be interested in going to her place sometime to play. I agree, we exchange numbers then we part ways.

I get a call a couple days later for the invite. She asks me to bring a bottle of wine, so I show up and she had the board layed out on the couch. We are sitting there playing, talking and drinking the wine and out of nowhere comes this dog. She introduces me to him with the stupid baby talk most people tend to use with pets. I pet him and she puts him down and he runs off.

The girl starts telling me about how she hates when guys just try to use her for sex and how she has won plus sized beauty pageants in the past and since she had lost weight she was trying to get into regular beauty pageants. I was getting this "don't try to sleep with me unless you want a girlfriend" vibe, so I put the thought out of my mind.

All of a sudden the dog brings out this oversized stuffed rabbit into the living room and starts humping it. She feigns embarrassment and says "stop rex(or whatever his name was)" and laughs, I can't help but laugh myself. After a few minutes the dog stops and runs into another room. About five minutes later he brings a pillow into the room and starts humping that too. He finishes then runs out the room. Basically this goes on for the rest of the time I was there, he kept bringing out various stuffed animals and pillows, buggering them then run out the room.

Finally it's time for me to go and she is walking with me to the front door and we walk by her "office" which was a converted bedroom and there was the dog up on a loveseat, again going at it on one of the armrests.

Be honest, you stole the dog didn't you?

 

[Zer]

So my first date with my ex was interesting.

We went to a local bar and knocked back a few jagers. A song I like came on and I started mouthing the words and my date noticed and started singing, I joined in and eventually we're bellowing out the chorus while standing on the table. Of course the bar staff hated this and we were kicked out so we decided to get something to eat but the only place that was open was next to the cinema so I thought fuck it we should see a movie and get popcorn and nachos. We settled down into the movie and it was pretty empty so because we found it funny we started throwing popcorn at each other until we ended up having a full blown popcorn fight. Of course by the time the movie had ended we realised we were still both hungry and our food was all over the floor so we walked next door to the chicken place. When we got in there we were walking to a table and I slipped and knocked into some black guys causing them to drop their food. Needless to say they were not happy. We went outside and I got in a little fight and my date got scared and said "We're going back to my place". I whistled for a cab and when it came near the license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror if anything I could say that this cab was rare but I thought 'Nah, forget it' - 'Yo, homes to Bel Air' I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 And I yelled to the cabbie 'Yo homes smell ya later' I looked at my kingdom I was finally there to sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel Air.

Up until fresh I was like 'I bet this is a scene from some John Hughes flick'. White people

 

[Diktaattori]

"I'm Seigfried from Seigfried and Roy, fuckers!"

Jesus, I'm in tears :icon_lol:

 

[fightingrabbit]

So my first date with my ex was interesting.

We went to a local bar and knocked back a few jagers. A song I like came on and I started mouthing the words and my date noticed and started singing, I joined in and eventually we're bellowing out the chorus while standing on the table. Of course the bar staff hated this and we were kicked out so we decided to get something to eat but the only place that was open was next to the cinema so I thought fuck it we should see a movie and get popcorn and nachos. We settled down into the movie and it was pretty empty so because we found it funny we started throwing popcorn at each other until we ended up having a full blown popcorn fight. Of course by the time the movie had ended we realised we were still both hungry and our food was all over the floor so we walked next door to the chicken place. When we got in there we were walking to a table and I slipped and knocked into some black guys causing them to drop their food. Needless to say they were not happy. We went outside and I got in a little fight and my date got scared and said "We're going back to my place". I whistled for a cab and when it came near the license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror if anything I could say that this cab was rare but I thought 'Nah, forget it' - 'Yo, homes to Bel Air' I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 And I yelled to the cabbie 'Yo homes smell ya later' I looked at my kingdom I was finally there to sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel Air.

I've been bel aired.

 

[JohnnyBuddha]

Man this thread delivers. I thought I had no good stories to share but remembered one today. It's not terrible...more pathetic than anything, lol.

So I was in 4th year university and was on a break from a girl I'd been dating for a year. My brother tried setting me up with a girl he had gone to school with and I agreed to go out with her. So I pick her up in her hometown which is about 30 minutes from me. We go to her friend's place where they're sitting around having drinks and getting ready to go out to a club. A club. A dance club. So I don't really like dance on the best of days, but I definitely don't like to with a bunch of strangers with glowsticks and a girl who I'm trying to get to know and have never met before.

So this is a big place (The Docks in Toronto) and they're all dancing like half-tards to some terrible house music (redundant, I know). I'm standing around awkwardly, every once in a while doing the Full House dance or some shit. After several walks around the place to just avoid standing in the same spot like a schmuck, I end up going to the washroom and sit in the stall for a good 20 minutes or so. So yeah, I basically hid in the washroom to fritter away the time until everyone was ready to go. I eventually came back and she asked me where I'd gone. I told her I ran into someone I knew and had been talking to him for a bit. But in reality, nope, I'd just been hiding in a bathroom stall, scared to dance and unwilling to awkwardly stand around on the dance floor.

It wasn't a disaster--she wasn't mad and we didn't stay until the wee hours of the morning--but it was just a stupid, awkward "date". A fucking dance club? Ugh.

 

[Count Zero]

So me trying to concentrate kept thinking about her dad instead of her

I hate when I can't stop thinking about dads while I'm having sex

 

[WalkenWouldOwn]

Man this thread delivers. I thought I had no good stories to share but remembered one today. It's not terrible...more pathetic than anything, lol.

So I was in 4th year university and was on a break from a girl I'd been dating for a year. My brother tried setting me up with a girl he had gone to school with and I agreed to go out with her. So I pick her up in her hometown which is about 30 minutes from me. We go to her friend's place where they're sitting around having drinks and getting ready to go out to a club. A club. A dance club. So I don't really like dance on the best of days, but I definitely don't like to with a bunch of strangers with glowsticks and a girl who I'm trying to get to know and have never met before.

So this is a big place (The Docks in Toronto) and they're all dancing like half-tards to some terrible house music (redundant, I know). I'm standing around awkwardly, every once in a while doing the Full House dance or some shit. After several walks around the place to just avoid standing in the same spot like a schmuck, I end up going to the washroom and sit in the stall for a good 20 minutes or so. So yeah, I basically hid in the washroom to fritter away the time until everyone was ready to go. I eventually came back and she asked me where I'd gone. I told her I ran into someone I knew and had been talking to him for a bit. But in reality, nope, I'd just been hiding in a bathroom stall, scared to dance and unwilling to awkwardly stand around on the dance floor.

It wasn't a disaster--she wasn't mad and we didn't stay until the wee hours of the morning--but it was just a stupid, awkward "date". A fucking dance club? Ugh.

I hate dance clubs about as much as you. And also like you, the only time I was dragged to one was when I was seeing a rebound girl while I was on a break for a long term relationship.

It wasn't a first date thankfully, and I was already sleeping with her but jesus christ I've never been so uncomfortable.

 

[WalkenWouldOwn]

TL/DR version:

I was like 13. I'm gonna meet a girl I met on the internet for the very first time. I get nervous very easily so I barely got any sleep the day before. I meet the girl. I can barely get a word out from my mouth and things are awkward as hell. We get to my place. We go to my room and after a while she goes to the bathroom. She comes back and meanwhile I've passed out on my bed. When I wake up she's putting her shoes on and I'm like "did I fall asleep? how long?" "two hours. bye."

Wonder what she did while I was sleeping tho.

also that was my first date ever. At least it was memorable.

:icon_lol::icon_lol:

 

[Mr Gorgeous]

Siegfried and Roy, daddy's girl...dang this thread just keeps em coming.

I have another one. Not a classical date but it belongs here.

This is another one that happened while I was living in China. I went to the nightclub with my good friends. I ran into a Chinese girl who I knew. I made a habit of only sleeping with Chinese girls who had slept with or been in a relationship with foreigners before. I didn't want a relationship with one because I was wary of being sucked into clingy psychotic situation. This had worked up until now.

This girl I knew because she used to date a friend of mine. He had left the country and went home. She seemed cool. She asked me where my girlfriend was. I told her that we had broken up. She's interested. She has a girlfriend with her. The three of us go back to her place and smoke some hash. This has the makings of a great night.

The three of us are on the bed and I start kissing and groping the girl I knew. She stopped and said she didn't want to make her friend uncomfortable. I said "neither do I, she can join in". She didn't like that. She responds with "if you love me you shouldn't need another girl". That stopped me dead in my tracks. I end up chalking it up to "eh, she probably didn't mean it like that because English isn't her first language". I fall asleep to a sense of foreboding.

I wake up and her friend is gone, finally. It's time to get it on. I get undressed before I wake her up. Before I can get my first smooch in she asks "do you love me?". I said "no, I barely know you". She said that I'm supposed to love her before we have sex. I tried to explain to her that you can't love a person you barely know. I spend a long time trying to explain this to her.

Eventually I've had it. Her cloths are still one and I'm no closer to convincing her that I don't need to love her to fuck her. I put my cloths back on and just as I'm putting my shoes on she yells out "no! don't leave, come back". Seeing her desperate like that has convinced me that I can make this happen. My cloths and her cloths are off before she can say another word. I'm in, finally. She's very passionate. During sex she says the unthinkable, "do you love me?". I said "nope, I still don't love you". I turned her over and put her face in the pillow so she couldn't say anything. She starts crying. Crying girls has always turned me on so I don't last much longer.

I didn't use a condom and I'm starting to think that this would be the worst girl to put a baby in. I know she has to have a plan B pill laying around. It's China, they take that thing like it's a vitamin. I find one a give it to her with a glass of water. I don't leave until I watch her take it.

I left that apartment very morally shaken. I slept with her a month later and none of this stuff happened, except the crying.

 

[Naramie]

So my first date with my ex was interesting.

We went to a local bar and knocked back a few jagers. A song I like came on and I started mouthing the words and my date noticed and started singing, I joined in and eventually we're bellowing out the chorus while standing on the table. Of course the bar staff hated this and we were kicked out so we decided to get something to eat but the only place that was open was next to the cinema so I thought fuck it we should see a movie and get popcorn and nachos. We settled down into the movie and it was pretty empty so because we found it funny we started throwing popcorn at each other until we ended up having a full blown popcorn fight. Of course by the time the movie had ended we realised we were still both hungry and our food was all over the floor so we walked next door to the chicken place. When we got in there we were walking to a table and I slipped and knocked into some black guys causing them to drop their food. Needless to say they were not happy. We went outside and I got in a little fight and my date got scared and said "We're going back to my place". I whistled for a cab and when it came near the license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror if anything I could say that this cab was rare but I thought 'Nah, forget it' - 'Yo, homes to Bel Air' I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 And I yelled to the cabbie 'Yo homes smell ya later' I looked at my kingdom I was finally there to sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel Air.

 

[Strychnine]

Siegfried and Roy, daddy's girl...dang this thread just keeps em coming.


During sex she says the unthinkable, "do you love me?". I said "nope, I still don't love you". I turned her over and put her face in the pillow so she couldn't say anything. She starts crying. Crying girls has always turned me on so I don't last much longer.

I didn't use a condom and I'm starting to think that this would be the worst girl to put a baby in. I know she has to have a plan B pill laying around. It's China, they take that thing like it's a vitamin. I find one a give it to her with a glass of water. I don't leave until I watch her take it.
I slept with her a month later and none of this stuff happened, except the crying.

 

[SenorGuillen]

I cannot believe I am actually going to post this but here's what happened before I married my current wife. This is not an actual first date but it's a date.

I saw this Mexican girl in TJ. She was somewhat of a hooker by choice. She has full size breast (about the size of Sofia Vergara) and a nice curvy bottom. We talk for a bit and then dance to some mariachi music. We drink a little. I took her back to an vacant apartment room. I started kissing her throughout. Eventually I found out that she has male genitals. I vomited out of control. Sorry about going into semi-explicit details but that was a time in my life I will never forget.

 

[Hairrow]

No problem. Thanks for taking the time to read it. Most long posts go ignored, making it not worth the time and effort.

Wow, your story was a gem. Truly. Epic writing, too.

 

[3rd Season]

Ugh I've kept this story to myself for 2 years now, friends still bring it up from time to time just to shit on me but it is a funny story.

So, 2 years ago I move into my friends house which was located in a beach/college town near our hometown. It was pretty dope as I got to see everyone I grew up with in a college setting and obviously heavy partying commenced.

It was about 2 weeks in, I was still working on my game as I had been disconnected from women for a long time and we were all getting shitty at my friend Jakes house. Anyway, its about 4am and everyone is pairing up and disappearing for the night. I'm shitfaced at this point with my friend Henry, who has his woman from school with him, and her friend this heavy girl named Brittany.

So we go into Jakes apartment and I lay on the couch w the spins and the fat girl Brittany lays on the opposite couch. Henry and his girl go into a sideroom which is only seperated by a glass door they keep cracked. Im sitting there feeling like im gonna puke and the fat girl says, "Can I come lay by you? It's cold over here."

Next thing I know im making out with the fat chick and she says "I'll do anything you want." Naturally, I say suck my dick. Well me being drunk I forgot I havent tended to my lower region in a month or so and needless to say, it was quite hairy. So she pulls down my pants and I guess she didnt realize either (it was dark) until she just deepthroated the fuck out of my dick and got faceblasted by a bunch of pubes.

I'm sure the incident grossed her out because she instantly puked ALL OVER MY DICK. I flipped out pushed her off me screaming every foul thing I could. My friend Henry and his girl heard and came running in (I guess the fat girl is prone to seizures when she drinks and her friend thought she was having a seizure?) and all I remember is the friend screaming at me "What did you do to her?Wtf did you do to her?" cause she was laying on the ground puking and crying.

All the puke got to me and all I started to puke, projectile vomit too..creating a chain reaction because Henry puked too. My friend Jake came out of his room with his girlfriend at the time and turned the lights on and it was a gnarly scene. I was standing there with my pants around my ankles with a puked covered half limp dick, a fat girl with her tits out covered in puke on the ground crying. A drunk girl screaming trying to console the fat girl, and my friend who himself was trying to stop throwing up.

Worst hookup of my life, I don't think we ever said more than a passing "hi" to eachother after that night.