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More of a hook-up story than a first date story, but it was still pretty funny. Hopefully it translates over well in words. If not, sorry for the long read. So one of my aunts is one of the most lazy, sedentary slobs I've ever come across. Her house was unsanitary. She was the type of person to dump a load of clean laundry in her den and not get around to folding it for a week. In the mid 90's, I came across jelly in her fridge that had expired in 1988--two years before she even moved into her freaking house. Anyways, the apple didn't fall far from the tree, and my cousin was disgusting as well. Somewhere under the dirty and clean clothes, fast food bags and wrappers, books, and toys, my cousin's room had carpet, which I honestly never saw. He also had a waterbed, which helps with the setting of this story.
So I'm 15 or 16 at the time, and my cousin decides to have a small get together (4 guys and 4 girls) at his house the Saturday before Easter. We drove to the gas statiom and grabbed some beer and liquor with his piece of shit, unlaminated fake ID we printed off my computer; and we headed out to the party. He opened the door, and I was nearly KTFO by a wave of putrid odor. In addition to usual aroma dominated by cat shit scattered around the house, there was a new gut wrenching stench of fungus. My eyes welded with tears, and I feared I was going to leave the party with Agent Orange type side effects. He explained to me that hisbwaterbed leaked about a month ago. Of course, no one bothered to clean it up, and caused the house to mildew. It seeped into the air vents and penetrates every aspect of the house. It was sickening. On top of that, there were clothes all over the ground and furniture in the den--not exactly a good party environment.
Anyways, I did what I could to take my mind off the smell, which primarily entailed drinking beer and laughing at everyone's "Who shit and died in the foyer" face as they walked in the front door. Despite the rancid odor and filthy home, the party was actually kind of fun. We played some of the typical high school/college drinking games and all got a bit liquored up. My cousin ended up hooking up with this girl on his laundry-laden sofa, and I decided to head home when she started giving him a hand job with out even the God damn common courtesy of covering him up. It's not like there weren't an abundance of t-shirts, sheets, blankets, and pants right next to them. Anyways, I got home, stripped down to my boxers on my patio, looked for lighter fluid to no avail, and scrubbed down in the shower for a good 40 minutes.
Morning rolls around, and my family head to my grandfather's for Easter Sunday. My lazy ass aunt doesn't want to drive the mile and a half on her own, so we headed to pick her up. She and my cousin hopped into the car, and the look on my mom's face was priceless. Not one to hold her tongue, she said "OH GOD, what smells like garbage?!?" I busted out laughing. It was really tough to stop. My aunt tells my mom the waterbed story and then proceeds to bitch that "one of the kids spilled beer" on her good Easter dress. I turned around, and the bump in my laughter almost caused me to piss my pants (which funny enough still wouldn't have made me the most disgusting thing in the car). The unmistakable stain wasn't beer, and judging from the embarrassed look on my cousin's face, he knew good and well it wasn't either. You see, my sloth of an aunt felt that the sofa was a good place to leave her good dress. My filthy cousin, on the other hand, didn't feel the need to clean up after himself when a girl jacked him off and directed his wad right onto the sofa. It was a pretty disgusting seeing my aunt with a dried cum stain on her dress, but I laughed my ass off every time I crossed paths with my aunt that day. We still bring it up from time to time, and the story never seems to lose its luster.
So I'm 15 or 16 at the time, and my cousin decides to have a small get together (4 guys and 4 girls) at his house the Saturday before Easter. We drove to the gas statiom and grabbed some beer and liquor with his piece of shit, unlaminated fake ID we printed off my computer; and we headed out to the party. He opened the door, and I was nearly KTFO by a wave of putrid odor. In addition to usual aroma dominated by cat shit scattered around the house, there was a new gut wrenching stench of fungus. My eyes welded with tears, and I feared I was going to leave the party with Agent Orange type side effects. He explained to me that hisbwaterbed leaked about a month ago. Of course, no one bothered to clean it up, and caused the house to mildew. It seeped into the air vents and penetrates every aspect of the house. It was sickening. On top of that, there were clothes all over the ground and furniture in the den--not exactly a good party environment.
Anyways, I did what I could to take my mind off the smell, which primarily entailed drinking beer and laughing at everyone's "Who shit and died in the foyer" face as they walked in the front door. Despite the rancid odor and filthy home, the party was actually kind of fun. We played some of the typical high school/college drinking games and all got a bit liquored up. My cousin ended up hooking up with this girl on his laundry-laden sofa, and I decided to head home when she started giving him a hand job with out even the God damn common courtesy of covering him up. It's not like there weren't an abundance of t-shirts, sheets, blankets, and pants right next to them. Anyways, I got home, stripped down to my boxers on my patio, looked for lighter fluid to no avail, and scrubbed down in the shower for a good 40 minutes.
Morning rolls around, and my family head to my grandfather's for Easter Sunday. My lazy ass aunt doesn't want to drive the mile and a half on her own, so we headed to pick her up. She and my cousin hopped into the car, and the look on my mom's face was priceless. Not one to hold her tongue, she said "OH GOD, what smells like garbage?!?" I busted out laughing. It was really tough to stop. My aunt tells my mom the waterbed story and then proceeds to bitch that "one of the kids spilled beer" on her good Easter dress. I turned around, and the bump in my laughter almost caused me to piss my pants (which funny enough still wouldn't have made me the most disgusting thing in the car). The unmistakable stain wasn't beer, and judging from the embarrassed look on my cousin's face, he knew good and well it wasn't either. You see, my sloth of an aunt felt that the sofa was a good place to leave her good dress. My filthy cousin, on the other hand, didn't feel the need to clean up after himself when a girl jacked him off and directed his wad right onto the sofa. It was a pretty disgusting seeing my aunt with a dried cum stain on her dress, but I laughed my ass off every time I crossed paths with my aunt that day. We still bring it up from time to time, and the story never seems to lose its luster.
