First date horror stories

3rd Season said:
All the puke got to me and all I started to puke, projectile vomit too..creating a chain reaction because Henry puked too. My friend Jake came out of his room with his girlfriend at the time and turned the lights on and it was a gnarly scene. I was standing there with my pants around my ankles with a puked covered half limp dick, a fat girl with her tits out covered in puke on the ground crying. A drunk girl screaming trying to console the fat girl, and my friend who himself was trying to stop throwing up.

Worst hookup of my life, I don't think we ever said more than a passing "hi" to eachother after that night.
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Half limp? Yeah right, you were still ready to go weren't you
 
The Special One said:
Not really a traditional "first date" story but funny nonetheless:

A week before graduating from college, we had a senior week where each group of friends would essentially throw a theme party at their house every night of the week. The Thursday night before the Saturday graduation, I went to a "famous duos" party which essentially consisted of you and a friend dressing in costumes. Some of the costumes were the ambiguously day duo, Cher and Sonny Bono, Axel and Slash - that sort of thing.

A buddy and I decide to go as Seigfried and Roy and dress up in these flamboyant costumes. This was right around the time that one of those dudes got bit. The idea was to essentially act like assholes the entire night. When we showed up to the party I made a big point of gathering everyone around and my buddy was under my cape. I then "uncovered" or "revealed" him like some sort of magic trick. It was lame as fuck.

My costume consisted of tight white sweat pants, a purple cape, a lot of chest hair, a wig and I also wore an athletic cup to accentuate the size of my bulge because the sweats were ridiculously tight.

After the party, we went to an after party despite being completely inebriated and there was a younger girl there that I had known a little bit and seen around but we didn't know each other that well at all. Really cute girl.

For some reason that I will never understand, she was really digging what I was throwing out there as Seigfreid that night and we started dancing and she was getting all excited about the prospects of taking down Seigfried's large and artificially inflated package.

So we start dancing at this after party and by this point its about 4AM and its a total shit show - whatever remaining people were there were just encircling us and watching Seigfried and this girl dry hump on the dance floor which I'm sure wasn't pretty.

At this point, she basically drags me up to her room (she lived at this house) and start making out and getting down to business. I was on the fringe of black out. Fast forward to about 10 or 11AM and I wake up completely naked. This was now Friday morning, the day before graduation. I look over and there is another girl in the room that I know in another bed who I am friends with. She's laughing at me and I'm starting to pick up the pieces and realize what was going on. I had no idea that this chick shared her room with this other girl. So I'm sitting there in the nude, bewildered, and the girl whose bed I am in is still passed out. I tell the other girl to be quiet because I wanted to slip out and not to wake this girl up.

So I slip on the athletic cup that I was wearing and throw my purple cape and wig on. I have no idea where the sweatpants went as they were probably buried amongst a mountain of dirty clothes in this girls room. I dart out of there trying to pull a Seigfried disappearing act. I realized at this point that I'm probably a good 10 minute walk from my apartment so I literally start jogging home, feeling like I'm going to puke, in what was left of my Seigfried costume which at this point was essentially just the purple cape, a jock strap and wig.

As I get closer to my apartment building, I get totally harassed by a crew of dudes that are doing some maintenance work on a nearby building being called every name in the book. I yelled back "I'm Seigfried from Seigfried and Roy, fuckers!" and just kept sprinting right by them.

I remained friends with that girl and although we never hooked up again, whenever we saw each other we'd both kind of laugh about it without ever directly bringing it up. It was just in her eyes. Occasionally I'd say things to her like "don't act like that night wasn't magic" and she would laugh.
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I'm happy i read that lol.
 
Hairrow said:
Wow, your story was a gem. Truly. Epic writing, too.
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I still can't believe that after all that drama, we randomly drove past her ex-boyfriend on the road. I remember thinking, "Dear God, please send along a Mack truck to t-bone the holy shit out of us."
 
3rd Season said:
Ugh I've kept this story to myself for 2 years now, friends still bring it up from time to time just to shit on me but it is a funny story.

So, 2 years ago I move into my friends house which was located in a beach/college town near our hometown. It was pretty dope as I got to see everyone I grew up with in a college setting and obviously heavy partying commenced.

It was about 2 weeks in, I was still working on my game as I had been disconnected from women for a long time and we were all getting shitty at my friend Jakes house. Anyway, its about 4am and everyone is pairing up and disappearing for the night. I'm shitfaced at this point with my friend Henry, who has his woman from school with him, and her friend this heavy girl named Brittany.

So we go into Jakes apartment and I lay on the couch w the spins and the fat girl Brittany lays on the opposite couch. Henry and his girl go into a sideroom which is only seperated by a glass door they keep cracked. Im sitting there feeling like im gonna puke and the fat girl says, "Can I come lay by you? It's cold over here."

Next thing I know im making out with the fat chick and she says "I'll do anything you want." Naturally, I say suck my dick. Well me being drunk I forgot I havent tended to my lower region in a month or so and needless to say, it was quite hairy. So she pulls down my pants and I guess she didnt realize either (it was dark) until she just deepthroated the fuck out of my dick and got faceblasted by a bunch of pubes.

I'm sure the incident grossed her out because she instantly puked ALL OVER MY DICK. I flipped out pushed her off me screaming every foul thing I could. My friend Henry and his girl heard and came running in (I guess the fat girl is prone to seizures when she drinks and her friend thought she was having a seizure?) and all I remember is the friend screaming at me "What did you do to her?Wtf did you do to her?" cause she was laying on the ground puking and crying.

All the puke got to me and all I started to puke, projectile vomit too..creating a chain reaction because Henry puked too. My friend Jake came out of his room with his girlfriend at the time and turned the lights on and it was a gnarly scene. I was standing there with my pants around my ankles with a puked covered half limp dick, a fat girl with her tits out covered in puke on the ground crying. A drunk girl screaming trying to console the fat girl, and my friend who himself was trying to stop throwing up.

Worst hookup of my life, I don't think we ever said more than a passing "hi" to eachother after that night.
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I suspect it looked a bit like this?

familyguyv.gif
 
This not as good as the Daddy little princess story but i got another one I recalled as it driving into work today and nearly hit the speedbump outside my building.

It was sometime after I got out of the service and was unemployed for a little bit. My cousin hook me up with her old HS friend, name Esther. After a few dates, a few movies, we hit off and slept with each other. She is what i would consider your potential girl next door chick. Perfectly normal, shy, but curious in the realm of the unexplored sexual doing. One night while driving and coming back from dinner, I straight up asked her for a BJ. At first she was like, "What!" kind of reaction but as i unzipped, she looked around as if there were any car around us and got to work.

Midway through i am in the fucken zone; driving about 20mph in a 45mph area, had my seat cushion back, head lean to the side, and some cheesy N'SNC This I promise you song was playing. Don't ask me how i remember that, cause i was singing along to it while getting head. Anyway as I was nearing my "shit" i inadvertently and unknowingly hit a speedbump. As that happen my girl accidentally chow down on my eggroll and i instinctively knee her in the face with my right knee. She jump up yelling, i jump up yelling, and our car was supposedly drifting onto the other lane.

As I turn over and apologized to her and I notice she has a crooked nose now. Picture somewhere between Brandon Vera after Thiago Silva fight. Not to mention she was still screaming and crying and blood was dripping out. I was in full panic mode and wanted to pull over, but all of a sudden 5-0 was flashing red and blue in the back. They must have follow us. I'm thinking like O shit now, i am ether going to jail for Indecent exposure, cause my dick was still hanging out or assault on my GF.

I pulled over and race to put my dick back in. All while trying to comfort my girlfriend and telling her it was all an accident as it was. I can hear his driver door closing meaning he is seconds away from appearing next to my window. I reach back trying to find any napkin, but end up only finding a ketchup packet. I improvise like i would have in the Army and told her to quickly smear it on her face and says its only ketchup. To this day i still wonder why she went along with the plan. She did as told all while sniffing away any tears she still may have.

The Police Officer bang on my windshield and asked me are we alright? He must have saw us swerving back there and was curious was i DWI. After a few exchange i notice a look in his face as he looked at my GF. While shinning the light at her and asked ms. You alright? She said she ate a cheeseburger but it was too much ketchup in it. Here i am trying not to laugh but this shit was so fucken funny. Mainly because she looked like an Asian version of Owen Wilson now. The officer said give me a sec and disappear to her side. He asked her to exit and talked to her on the side. Next thing you know she came back inside and said we can go. The officer wave us by and said good night.

Driving for about 5 minutes, I asked her what did they talked about. She said that he only wants to know have i been hitting her and she said no. After driving her home, I spend the night at her place trying to re-assure her that her nose is going to be ok. We talk a few times after that and broke up 2 months later.. Fin
 
RoninJin said:
This not as good as the Daddy little princess story but i got another one I recalled as it driving into work today and nearly hit the speedbump outside my building.

It was sometime after I got out of the service and was unemployed for a little bit. My cousin hook me up with her old HS friend, name Esther. After a few dates, a few movies, we hit off and slept with each other. She is what i would consider your potential girl next door chick. Perfectly normal, shy, but curious in the realm of the unexplored sexual doing. One night while driving and coming back from dinner, I straight up asked her for a BJ. At first she was like, "What!" kind of reaction but as i unzipped, she looked around as if there were any car around us and got to work.

Midway through i am in the fucken zone; driving about 20mph in a 45mph area, had my seat cushion back, head lean to the side, and some cheesy N'SNC This I promise you song was playing. Don't ask me how i remember that, cause i was singing along to it while getting head. Anyway as I was nearing my "shit" i inadvertently and unknowingly hit a speedbump. As that happen my girl accidentally chow down on my eggroll and i instinctively knee her in the face with my right knee. She jump up yelling, i jump up yelling, and our car was supposedly drifting onto the other lane.

As I turn over and apologized to her and I notice she has a crooked nose now. Picture somewhere between Brandon Vera after Thiago Silva fight. Not to mention she was still screaming and crying and blood was dripping out. I was in full panic mode and wanted to pull over, but all of a sudden 5-0 was flashing red and blue in the back. They must have follow us. I'm thinking like O shit now, i am ether going to jail for Indecent exposure, cause my dick was still hanging out or assault on my GF.

I pulled over and race to put my dick back in. All while trying to comfort my girlfriend and telling her it was all an accident as it was. I can hear his driver door closing meaning he is seconds away from appearing next to my window. I reach back trying to find any napkin, but end up only finding a ketchup packet. I improvise like i would have in the Army and told her to quickly smear it on her face and says its only ketchup. To this day i still wonder why she went along with the plan. She did as told all while sniffing away any tears she still may have.

The Police Officer bang on my windshield and asked me are we alright? He must have saw us swerving back there and was curious was i DWI. After a few exchange i notice a look in his face as he looked at my GF. While shinning the light at her and asked ms. You alright? She said she ate a cheeseburger but it was too much ketchup in it. Here i am trying not to laugh but this shit was so fucken funny. Mainly because she looked like an Asian version of Owen Wilson now. The officer said give me a sec and disappear to her side. He asked her to exit and talked to her on the side. Next thing you know she came back inside and said we can go. The officer wave us by and said good night.

Driving for about 5 minutes, I asked her what did they talked about. She said that he only wants to know have i been hitting her and she said no. After driving her home, I spend the night at her place trying to re-assure her that her nose is going to be ok. We talk a few times after that and broke up 2 months later.. Fin
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You were listening to Nsync?!

3013583_o.gif
 
Honestly I think it's surprisingly baller to be singing along to N'Sync whilst getting blown. Seems like something Patrick Bateman would do if he were 90's
 
N'SYNC maybe corney but their lyrics are catchy as shit
 
RoninJin said:
This not as good as the Daddy little princess story but i got another one I recalled as it driving into work today and nearly hit the speedbump outside my building.

It was sometime after I got out of the service and was unemployed for a little bit. My cousin hook me up with her old HS friend, name Esther. After a few dates, a few movies, we hit off and slept with each other. She is what i would consider your potential girl next door chick. Perfectly normal, shy, but curious in the realm of the unexplored sexual doing. One night while driving and coming back from dinner, I straight up asked her for a BJ. At first she was like, "What!" kind of reaction but as i unzipped, she looked around as if there were any car around us and got to work.

Midway through i am in the fucken zone; driving about 20mph in a 45mph area, had my seat cushion back, head lean to the side, and some cheesy N'SNC This I promise you song was playing. Don't ask me how i remember that, cause i was singing along to it while getting head. Anyway as I was nearing my "shit" i inadvertently and unknowingly hit a speedbump. As that happen my girl accidentally chow down on my eggroll and i instinctively knee her in the face with my right knee. She jump up yelling, i jump up yelling, and our car was supposedly drifting onto the other lane.

As I turn over and apologized to her and I notice she has a crooked nose now. Picture somewhere between Brandon Vera after Thiago Silva fight. Not to mention she was still screaming and crying and blood was dripping out. I was in full panic mode and wanted to pull over, but all of a sudden 5-0 was flashing red and blue in the back. They must have follow us. I'm thinking like O shit now, i am ether going to jail for Indecent exposure, cause my dick was still hanging out or assault on my GF.

I pulled over and race to put my dick back in. All while trying to comfort my girlfriend and telling her it was all an accident as it was. I can hear his driver door closing meaning he is seconds away from appearing next to my window. I reach back trying to find any napkin, but end up only finding a ketchup packet. I improvise like i would have in the Army and told her to quickly smear it on her face and says its only ketchup. To this day i still wonder why she went along with the plan. She did as told all while sniffing away any tears she still may have.

The Police Officer bang on my windshield and asked me are we alright? He must have saw us swerving back there and was curious was i DWI. After a few exchange i notice a look in his face as he looked at my GF. While shinning the light at her and asked ms. You alright? She said she ate a cheeseburger but it was too much ketchup in it. Here i am trying not to laugh but this shit was so fucken funny. Mainly because she looked like an Asian version of Owen Wilson now. The officer said give me a sec and disappear to her side. He asked her to exit and talked to her on the side. Next thing you know she came back inside and said we can go. The officer wave us by and said good night.

Driving for about 5 minutes, I asked her what did they talked about. She said that he only wants to know have i been hitting her and she said no. After driving her home, I spend the night at her place trying to re-assure her that her nose is going to be ok. We talk a few times after that and broke up 2 months later.. Fin
Click to expand...

I hoped you learned your lesson.

Never, ever listen to N'Sync.
 
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