First date horror stories

[Mr Gorgeous]

Guise guise guise,thank you.slow days at work are made so much better becaus eof one thread like this.I love you guys.

Yeah, this thread is awesome. I feel better knowing that I'm not the only one who has a messed up dating life.

 

[Count Zero]

I'm going to react to this post live as I read it:

This thread is still going strong. I don't think I've ever read this many "long" posts in a single thread. They've all been worth it.

A couple years back I was visiting my mom. She was still living in the small town where I went to high school. My bedroom is no longer a bedroom so I slept in my sisters old bedroom, which is about two feet away from my moms bedroom.

My sisters best friend of about ten years finds out I'm in town and asks me to come out to the bar with her. I've known her for a long time. She always seemed normal. Nothing I had known about her prepared me for what was about to happen.

At the bar she seemed her normal self. She doesn't take long to get smashed.

She's down, so we go back to my moms place. That was my first mistake. She is very loud when she's drunk. I should have told her to leave right then but at this point the head on my neck isn't the one that's doing the thinking.

We're in the bedroom, and our cloths come off. She's covered in hair, not just her bush but her calves as well.

I'm past the point of no return. She's getting very aggressive and she's saying some very strange things, she's still loud. As we're doing it she keeps saying "you don't mean it, do me like you mean it". I kept asking her what she meant by that, we're having a freaking conversation while we're doing it.

I turned her around to get her to stop talking to me. It didn't work and the view wasn't any better.

Somehow she gets on top of me. She starts hitting me in the face

, she's still telling me she wants me to mean it. I tell her "that's not helping". I finish, hoping that this night will end soon. It doesn't, the weird just keeps on coming. She goes to the bathroom and gets a glass of water. She drinks some of it and then pours the rest on my dick.

Now my I'm wet and my beds wet and I'm bleeding from the lip and I'm wondering if this night can get any worse. She lays down next to me and tries to cuddle. She says she wants to travel with me and get to know the inside of me. I tell her that will never happen. She eventually passes out. I'm too afraid to sleep.

When she wakes up she either couldn't remember what happened or she acted like that was a normal night for her. She didn't understand why I looked petrified. I've tried to forget this night. Reliving it has been emotional.

And I was going to end on a non-sarcastic "cool story, bro" gif, but 6 images is the post limit

 

[Mr Gorgeous]

Your reaction is funnier than the story, haha, good stuff.

 

[0vary hugger**]

Decided to ask my friend's wife's sister out on a date back in the early 90's. We had Mexican food and I ordered the bean plate special since I was kinda strapped for cash at the time.

Got back to my friends house where she rented a room and low and behold her parents and older brother were there visiting. I sit on the big leather couch next to her and suddenly my stomach starts to rumbles and groan. There is no stopping the gas that is forming in my bowels so I try to cover the noise by scooting my ass on the couch...It kinda covers the noise but unfortunately the smell can't be concealed.

I excuse myself to the bathroom which is a total of about five feet away from where they are all sitting. I turn on the water faucet to full power hoping the running water just might cover up what I know is coming. I sit on the pot and carefully try to pass the conglomeration that has formed in my guts but it's of no use.... I blast out the loudest most obnoxious cacophony of rectal contents you could imagine.

From outside I hear her father say, "What the hell?" and her brother laughing while the mother said, "Shhhh you will hurt his feelings."

Knowing the gig was up I just plowed on through the rest of my dump knowing that any dignity I might have had was gone. The exiting of the bathroom was the biggest walk of shame I have ever taken and once I had returned to my seat the stench decided to follow me out like an old loyal dog.

It was our first and last date.

Father:"What the hell?"
Brother laughs
Mother:"Shhh you will hurt his feelings?

Talk about the absolute stereotypical responses one can expect from each.

 

[White Mongoose]

You're a brave man, my friend. That shit was scary as fuck. I love freaky girls, but that shit was on a whole other level.

Lol! It suck because most time when girls claim they are freaky... I just roll my eyes because I know I probably have seen it already and it's nothing special.

Only two that have impressed me so far was one who have blood fetish, she wanted to cut me with razor so she can play with my blood. Other one scratched the hell out of me, there was literally blood on my bed sheets.

So whenever I meet girl like one you described, I get excited!!!

 

[Jack Reacheround]

Only two that have impressed me so far was one who have blood fetish, she wanted to cut me with razor so she can play with my blood. Other one scratched the hell out of me, there was literally blood on my bed sheets.

It's all this fucking Twilight shit.

 

[Mr Gorgeous]

Does anyone remember the Will Jacobs story where he slept with a girl who wanted him to push and egg into her with his dick? That deserves a mention.

 

[Exception]

This is such an epic story.

I have only one bizarre first date story.

I was working in Saint John NB, and there was a chick that worked for an insurance company I dealt with. She was about 6 years older than me (I was 25) but she was absolutely beautiful. So one day I am in her office and out of the blue she asks me if I want to have drinks and go out with her on Friday. So I'm like- Sure!!!!

So I meet her at a bar across from her office. We have a cocktail and a nice chat. She was divorced. Quasi-recently (paperwork signed 6 months earlier). That put me off a little but I figured that since she was a little older it was not THAT unusual. She had no kids and she did not really go on at all about her ex- so no real red flags popped up.

She was drinking a fair bit, but I stayed sober because I was driving, and I sensed the evening was going to end well. We did a little dancing at a club with a few of the friends from her office then got a little cozy on a couch at the back of the club and the sexual tension was building.

Finally she whispered in my ear, 'I think it's about time you took me home.' She is massaging my legs and then my crotch in the car as she is giving me directions to her house. The second we pull in her driveway, she pulls down my pants and starts fellating me furiously right in the car. Amazing. I can't believe my luck. After she swallows my little swimmers all up and gets herself together, she has the biggest shit eating smirk on her face.

After expressing my gratitude and suggesting we head inside to continue, she starts laughing and says that is probably not the best idea. I look at her quite puzzled. And just then, the light on her front porch pops on and the door opens. An enormous dude with a hockey stick starts yelling and walking towards the car. The chick rolls down the window and starts yelling at the dude while I am reversing out of the drive way swiftly and preparing to haul ass.

Turns out the driveway she was blowing me in was not her driveway, but her ex-husbands. And that she was giving him a little payback because the reason for their split was she walked in on a chick sucking his dick.

After I came down from the adrenaline rush, we did manage to have a nice interlude back at her place. And i did hit it a few more times over the next year. But after that first night, I was never really able to see her as girlfriend material if you know what I am saying.

This might be the best story I've read so far. I am sick so laughing is not comfortable. I was not able to avoid this with your story. I can just picture the guy coming out swinging lmfao!!

 

[DoctorNick]

Awesome thread, my story isn't the best but still pretty funny. I was doing my last week of residency for my Pharm D, just bought a new Audi, and life was going well. This hot nurse had been flirting with me the entire year and I finally caved and asked her out. She also was a bartender and claimed to be able to drink. We went out dancing and had quite a few. As we are driving to her place she covers her mouth, but that doesn't stop the eruption. Pukes all over her pretty dress and my week old car! I tell her its fine and give her my shirt to mop up the damage...

This is where the story picks up! She is 5ft9, thin, and Greek like me (the woman are usually nasty but honestly she was pretty hot). We get home and she invites me in, so I basically carry her to the bathroom shirtless, noticing another girl must live here. I get her to the tub and run the water for her to bathe, turning around to be polite. She says I just puked in your car the least I can do is let you see me naked. She has a fantastic body and nice tits, so I end up sitting on the edge and helping bathe her.

After she starts to sober up around 5am we head to bed. She gets on top for awhile and then I flip her over and hit it from the back. Within 5 minutes of me turning her around she pukes off the bed and onto my jeans, so I literally have flip flops and my underwear left to wear home. We finish some great sex and sleep for a few hours. Now for the dramatic end!

Around 9 or 10 I hear noise from the kitchen and wake up. She wakes up too and gives me a pair of shorts to wear home. Mind you she is 5ft9 125 and I'm 6ft4 165 so I looked like a molester in these tiny shorts with a bulge and no shirt. I plan to jet ASAP and end up walking out with her. Her roommate (older sister that I used to date!!!) and her sisters boyfriend are sitting on the couch, and now I notice the trail of my girls clothes down the hall. I walk out to two death glares looking like a creep in these shorts, and ended up banging her all summer until I moved.

Sorry for the long post, but the others in this thread were gold!

Bonus: called her her sisters name for a week or so on accident!

 

[The Zuskan]

This is kinda a first date horror story. Well more so epic prom night fail. I was a year out of school at the time but this girl asked me to be her date for prom. I debated it for a long, should I go? whats the worst that can happen, it was the prom of another school in the area and I knew a few kids who were going to be on the same bus, dinner etc and the girl was pretty cute so I decided fuck it im going. I was going on a long dry streak at the time so getting a prom night bang was the one thing on my mind.

So before I go pick up this girl for photos and dinner I head to my friends house where my two friends are hanging out, we discuss plans sort our booze out and they wish me luck. We get to the pre drink (before we were supposed to head on the bus and go for dinner) and im a pretty big light weight I come prepared with a 40ouncer of Jager and redbull for myself.

Well about 5 mins before we hop on the bus for all the nights festivities I am completely blackout and my night is over. I wake up the next day in my friends van with my other two buds and quote my friend says to me and my other friend "You two get can be funny when your drunk, but you have nothing to be proud of"

I enjoy my hangover day while hearing stories of what transpired. So apparently they actually let me into the school, when I got my prom photos back I nearly shit myself because I wasent even standing up straight, how I didnt get kicked out/arrested baffles me. We took photos at the beach and apparently I wasent even speaking English.

When we got to the actual party my friend saw how drunk I was and got just as retarded, we ended up blackout wrestling like fucking idiots and when the dad of the girl who was hosting the party tries to break it up, my blackout friend gets pissed that he broke up are gay little wrestling match and punches him the face. A lot of other shenaghans insue and apparently I touched an electric fence (this was in the country).

And to top the night off my prom date fucked someone else..

Anyways sorry for any spelling mistakes or if the story isent that cool or not told well im just writing off the top of my head at 4am in the morn

 

[Diktaattori]

Not a date, but there's chance things may get weird. Just got a phone call from some lady that asked if I remembered her and then proceeded to invite herself into my place, don't know when she coming and who she is but yeah, I'm getting some.

If this thing really happens, I'm writing a report tomorrow, minus the pics.

Forgot about this. The following happened after posting that;

She called me to come open her the apartment buildings door(she knew where I live ). I went to open the door and still had no idea who she was and how she knew me. Decent looking, nothing amazing but no hazardous flaws.(I prepared myself with a lot of whiskey). She is drunk, really drunk.

We get inside and she proceeds to hug me and tell me how amazing is it to see me and I'm like "mmyeah you too". We drink, and she starts talking about my younger brother(apparently she is his friend and she knows me thru him, I guess). She gets drunkerererer and wants to listen to music and proceeds to sing-a-long, which is quite horrible, but tolerable due to the amount of whiskey I have ingested during this weird occasion.

Everything seems to go my way, until she starts talking(yelling) about how bad her day was and demanding that I give her more booze. So I do as told. Next thing you know she whips all of her cray-cray out at once and starts telling me how she is a borderline genious, how everyone is beneath her, how super fine her ass is(she actually compared hers to Beyonces), and all this utter bullshit. And oh, how she wants a baby, but someone needs to pay for the nanny, because she's too busy to raise "IT" by herself.

After all that ridiculousness, she starts to tell me to take of my shirt. Not in a seducing way, but like a fucking Drill Sergeant. I need to take my shirt of so that she could "admire" me and I needed to do push-ups and all that, and that she wanted to pour booze on me and lick it off. All this time she looked me like this.

Startled by this craziness I started laughing and went to take a piss. After I got back and sat down she looked into my eyes, like she could see my soul and sense fear. Next thing the following words fall out of her mouth as she examines me with her eyes; "I'm going to rape you". She jumps me, kisses me and grabs my 'member', meantime I'm weirded out by that sentence and everything else that had happened, but decided to just go with it, I'm in it to win it. She takes me to my bed, shuts down the lights and takes of her pants. She's whispering to my ear; "You don't have to do anything, you don't have to do anything." Then she puts her hand in my pants and, well passes the fuck out with my dick in her hand. I laugh it off and get to sleep myself.

Morning, I wake up to her talking to me(middle of the story, no idea how long had she gone about) and then she tells me that she really wanted to stay and do something together, but she had to go. I did my best, "oh no, really" face as she started making her way out, which she took as an encouragement and said that no worries we can meet up at another day(Should've not done the face). Then she left. I knew I was getting into something weird, but you always think that it's not going to be that bad.

Now I'm left with but only the fear, that she someday comes back. That mysterious lady without a name.

Cliffs:

- Crazy lady

- Weirdness

- Relief

- Fear

 

[BEER]

Keep hanging out with girls in pairs who've been drinking, you'll land a threeway buddy.

This is absolutely true.

Especially on college campuses.

My last friend in college is graduating next week. It deeply saddens me.

 

[Asathor]

Since forever i am in Love with my neighbour, we grow up togheter and all this Stuff.
She is a beautiful Girl, 9/10.
I always wanted to ask her out but i Never was brave enough, but one Day i just thought "fuck this" walked over to her House and told her that we would have a Date on saturday and she should put on her best Dress.

So on saturday i put on my best suit and picked her up.
And Guys she looked amazing. So we go out and eat something. Everything is Working out perfect. Then i asked her if she would like to Dance and she says: "no, can't we go to your House and watch some Movie."
I was like yeah why Not. (I hate Clubs)

So we went home to my House. I am Sharing it with my 2 Brothers, so that my tv is in my bedroom (this will be important later). As we arrive in the room i Start some Jazz, Get some Whisky and i go on this damn Website where you only See this bonfire.
So we Start to watch some Movies and to Drink.

When i am drinking i will turn into a asshole, or i got game.
And that nicht, Gentleman, i had game. Everything was Working out fine, we started to make out and just as i wanted to Start the final attack she says: "oh, the candles are burnt Down. Would you mind to bring some ne."
The Gentleman i am, i stood up and made me on my Way. You Remember the Whisky i told you about? The bottle was empty now and the Lady had only Drunk One Glass, so i nearly Downed a Full bottle of tullamore. So, Standing up and the Last Thing i remember is opening the door of my room to get these damn candles.
The next Day i wake up by the laughter of my Brother and his gf, while i was lying in the hallway in my own vomit still wearing my suit.
i went down into my room to Check if the Lady of my dreams is still there. Nope she wasn't. So i go back up to the hallway, now my Big Brother was also awake and just looked at the Walls and the roof and then me. He looks at me, shakes his Head and says: "you Even vomited at the roof."
I had vomited so violently that the Walls and the roof of the hallways were Full of vomit.
My little Brother, the helpfull gnome he is, came to me carriying a bucket of Color. So i could Start to paint the whole hallway New. Accompanied by the laughters of my brothers.

After an Hour of painting the Lady came over, asking me where i had been, she had been waiting for me.
Just as i wanted to say that i was blacked out and blabla, my little Brother jumps to my side and tells her everything she just looks at me and then Starts to laugh really bad.

This was our first and our Last date to this day

 

[Count Zero]

lol your brother is a dick

 

[DoctorNick]

Man these are great, forgot to mention in my first story that I didn't know the girl I had dated for a few months years ago had a sister my age until my walk of shame that morning.

 

[Asathor]

lol your brother is a dick

A Troll like no other. But he is a Lot of Fun, sometimes

 

[equus]

This thread is still going strong. I don't think I've ever read this many "long" posts in a single thread. They've all been worth it.

A couple years back I was visiting my mom. She was still living in the small town where I went to high school. My bedroom is no longer a bedroom so I slept in my sisters old bedroom, which is about two feet away from my moms bedroom.

My sisters best friend of about ten years finds out I'm in town and asks me to come out to the bar with her. I've known her for a long time. She always seemed normal. Nothing I had known about her prepared me for what was about to happen.

At the bar she seemed her normal self. She doesn't take long to get smashed. She's down, so we go back to my moms place. That was my first mistake. She is very loud when she's drunk. I should have told her to leave right then but at this point the head on my neck isn't the one that's doing the thinking.

We're in the bedroom, and our cloths come off. She's covered in hair, not just her bush but her calves as well. I'm past the point of no return. She's getting very aggressive and she's saying some very strange things, she's still loud. As we're doing it she keeps saying "you don't mean it, do me like you mean it". I kept asking her what she meant by that, we're having a freaking conversation while we're doing it. I turned her around to get her to stop talking to me. It didn't work and the view wasn't any better.

Somehow she gets on top of me. She starts hitting me in the face, she's still telling me she wants me to mean it. I tell her "that's not helping". I finish, hoping that this night will end soon. It doesn't, the weird just keeps on coming. She goes to the bathroom and gets a glass of water. She drinks some of it and then pours the rest on my dick. Now my I'm wet and my beds wet and I'm bleeding from the lip and I'm wondering if this night can get any worse. She lays down next to me and tries to cuddle. She says she wants to travel with me and get to know the inside of me. I tell her that will never happen. She eventually passes out. I'm too afraid to sleep.

When she wakes up she either couldn't remember what happened or she acted like that was a normal night for her. She didn't understand why I looked petrified. I've tried to forget this night. Reliving it has been emotional.

Lol. What I got from this other than a great laugh was, hairy calves, she swept your guard and eventually finished you off with gnp. Good shit brother.

 

[SafyreSchool**]

I don't have any horror stories, but I guess I have one weird first date. The girl wasn't particularly stunning, nor the date itself memorable aside from the drive home. I picked her up, we went to starbucks, and that went by the book, but on the way home, a bird flew under my wheel and I ran it over. She was like; "did you just run over a bird?!" and I said; "well, he kind of flew right under my wheel. There was no avoiding it." I didn't care since I was more on this particular date to kill time. She wanted me to stop the car, but there wasn't an area to do so. I just remarked that there was no way he survived, and nowhere to really turn around anyways. She didn't say anything else, and that was that.

 

[Phreaxer]

Lol. What I got from this other than a great laugh was, hairy calves, she swept your guard and eventually finished you off with gnp. Good shit brother.

Perfect synopsis.

 

[hitcher]

I'll contribute later, in the meanwhile

mission accomplished

at great costs. fuck i just sat through like 3 hours of my little pony and the whole pixar movie, rio. i just sat in the back drinking. they acted like giving 9 year olds. they spent of the time giggling and breathing in helium to make funny voices. i wanted to shoot myself in the face. sometime during this, they started taking facebook pictures, but i avoided them out of fear of future embarrassment. to cheer me up, one girl told me she draws her friends as ponies and could draw me. i sarcastically said (in the voice of mac from always sunny), "yeah but to represent my muscular godlike physique, you'd have to draw me as a badass dragon"... THEN SHE FUCKING DID. SHE GOT A SKETCHPAD AND SPENT LIKE 30 MINUTES ON IT (will post tomorrow).

finally the fat weird girls left so it was just me and the hot ones. they told me to sleep on the couch,while they shared the bed. after like 10 minutes, the 8 came out and climbed on me. we made out and she went back in the room. at this point i was like "wtf that's it?" and started walking past the bedroom to leave

as i was walking past, i decided fuck it. so i just went and climbed in the middle, expecting to be kicked out. the 8 started pulling my shirt off, and well it started escalating while the 7 laid next to us, rubbing my back. i started making out with her and groping her but she didnt let me get it in. so i fucked the 8 while the 7 kissed me and i groped her

now I'm back on the couch (i could imagine it turning really awkward in there, very quickly), trying to decide if I'm sober enough to drive home