Heading to jail for a little while

[Krav McGraw]

Help the guards with their taxes.

 

[shaffmeister]

Alright listen, I'm going to tell you a few things and they may or may not apply to your situation. My stint in county was in a rather larger county jail that had a general population area where it was 2 to a cell and they had another "nicer" area called the pods that housed 48 men in a large room with 2 locked doors, an inner door separated by a vestibule door and an outer door. They kept the ratio of races equal at all times which was the first thing I noticed. 16 black, 16 white, and 16 hispanic, at all times. You would think this was better than the general area with 2 to a cell and in some ways it was but on other ways it was much more dangerous.

Part of the reason why it was dangerous is because of a thing called bench warrants. Really bad men go to the state pen but while they are there they get another charge on a different crime they committed so the judge issues a bench warrant and then the prison busses this convict to the county jail and you get a new bunk mate, often referred to as a "celly." (cell mate) Because of this mix of jail and prison there are rules of jail just like in prison. Here are a few examples.

1. Looking at someone in the eyes is considered an act of aggression, called mad dogging. Careful you don't get caught mad dogging on a day when you are irritated. It very easy to get bent out of shape in that environment and next thing you know you looked at a dude across the room for just a couple seconds too long and its on like Donkey Kong.

2. Be prepared for unusual meal times. Where I was breakfast was about 4am and they would enter our area banging on trash cans and yelling for us convicts to get our asses up like it was something out of a boot camp. Lunch would be around 10am, and dinner would be by 3 in the afternoon. You make up for the down times with commissary money. If you can, you need to make arrangements for someone to deposit money in your commissary account so you can buy things. This is money in jail, chips, cigarettes if the jail allows them, Ramen noodle, whatever, that is your money in jail and it can buy all sorts of.....things.

3. If someone asks for any of your food when you are eating in the mess haul or wherever it is you eat, its best not to give it to them. I don't care if you have no intention of eating that cornbread, you do not give up cornbread in jail/prison. It makes you look weak and like a bitch and there are predators watching to see if you will give that food up. Do not underestimate what I am telling you.

4. When eating you will likely be 4 to table or more depending on the size of the tables. There will be salt and pepper on the table in most cases. DO NOT fucking reach over the table. If at any time your arm crosses over the plane of someones tray, the wrong person will crack your head open for that. If you don't have a straight shot at the salt and pepper, like its right in front of you then you ask someone to pass it to you.

5. In most county jails you have to shit and shower in a public area, no doors, no privacy. When you take a shit you flush it as soon as it hits the water. This is called a "courtesy flush." Then you wipe, then you flush again. If you do not courtesy flush and the wrong MF'ers are around, they will rip your ass off that toilet.

6. You do not discuss your case. If someone asks why you are in jail the best answer is, "I can't discuss my case, its still ongoing." The reason for this is because there may be someone locked up with you that doesn't like your crime and this will cause you serious problems. You do not discuss your case even with people who appear to be friendly. You have no real friends in jail and many of them will be probing for weaknesses in you. (Other than your real world buddies)

7. Most county jails have what are called shake downs. This means that at random times a half dozen guards will enter whatever area you are in and they will start screaming and acting like assholes. Most of the time they will herd you into a common area large enough to hold you all and then force you to undress. The reason why is because they want to see if you took some contraband from your cell and are hiding it on your person, so you will likely be ass naked at least once in a month, happened to me many times. So while you are standing ass naked with 10 or 20, or in my case 48 other men, the guards will then tear everything to shit, rip everything out of the bunks, look under the tables, etc, and then they make the inmates clean everything up, that is a shake down. Be very careful nobody plants anything on in your stuff. I once had a razor blade melted into a pen tube stashed on the underside of my bunk. That's a weapon and is another case. That means that inmates frame other inmates to keep them in jail longer. They plant a weapon in your cell then wait for a shake down.

8. Do not get too friendly with the guards. Some of the guards will seem alright and will even start conversations with you. Do not seem over friendly with the guards, other inmates are watching to see if you do and if you get a reputation for something like that then you can get your shit wrecked.

9. Be prepared mentally. Most county jails are loud places, they are loud 24/7 all day and all night, people yelling at each other, getting into fights etc. This can make sleep difficult and lead to you making an ill-advised decision.

10. The guards do not run the jail, they just make sure you don't get out. The jails and prisons are run by inmates.

This is just a primer for surviving in jail. Follow the rules of your particular jail and you will do fine. Stuff like no mad dogging, keep your mouth shut, do not discuss your case, do not be lulled in by people who appear friendly, search your bunk area daily for planted contraband, give a courtesy flush, do not reach over peoples food trays, do not surrender food even if you don't want it, and do not become too friendly with the guards.

Thanks for all the info man. Luckily I'll be in a work center and not the county jail so I'll have a bit more freedom and I'll be around people with petty crimes. They have protein bars on commissary where I'm going so I'm just gonna stock up on those and peanut butter to keep the protein as high as possible. Definitely won't be giving out my cornbread Haha. Learned that from the movie "life" with Eddie Murphy.

 

[ROKKO]

County is nothing. I was in county jail in Florida for 3 months. It was a large room with 60 bunks. About 50-50 white and black. We even watched American history X and no one had an issue. County is a bunch of drunk drivers and minor offenses. No one wants to stay longer then sentenced.

I did see one fight though. It was this white 50 something year old verse this black 20 something year old and even the black people were cheering for the white guy named Bones. The black kid made a bet in spades that he didn't pay up on.

I played my first D&D type game in there using playing cards and paper and it was fun as hell. Not one person talked trash to the four of us.

You'll be fine. No one even wants to look at anyone's dick in the shower.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Phrack's "How to make it in Prison":

http://phrack.org/issues/67/5.html

Supposedly written by a guy who did time for assault with a deadly. Might find some useful info in there.

Also, invest in a pair or iron underwear:

 

[Revolver]

Shit happens. You sound like a douchebag

You need better judgement. Stop being a dumbass and you won't end up in trouble. Shit happens is a terrible excuse. Remember this.

 

[helltoupee]

Alright listen, I'm going to tell you a few things and they may or may not apply to your situation. My stint in county was in a rather larger county jail that had a general population area where it was 2 to a cell and they had another "nicer" area called the pods that housed 48 men in a large room with 2 locked doors, an inner door separated by a vestibule door and an outer door. They kept the ratio of races equal at all times which was the first thing I noticed. 16 black, 16 white, and 16 hispanic, at all times. You would think this was better than the general area with 2 to a cell and in some ways it was but on other ways it was much more dangerous.

Part of the reason why it was dangerous is because of a thing called bench warrants. Really bad men go to the state pen but while they are there they get another charge on a different crime they committed so the judge issues a bench warrant and then the prison busses this convict to the county jail and you get a new bunk mate, often referred to as a "celly." (cell mate) Because of this mix of jail and prison there are rules of jail just like in prison. Here are a few examples.

1. Looking at someone in the eyes is considered an act of aggression, called mad dogging. Careful you don't get caught mad dogging on a day when you are irritated. It very easy to get bent out of shape in that environment and next thing you know you looked at a dude across the room for just a couple seconds too long and its on like Donkey Kong.

2. Be prepared for unusual meal times. Where I was breakfast was about 4am and they would enter our area banging on trash cans and yelling for us convicts to get our asses up like it was something out of a boot camp. Lunch would be around 10am, and dinner would be by 3 in the afternoon. You make up for the down times with commissary money. If you can, you need to make arrangements for someone to deposit money in your commissary account so you can buy things. This is money in jail, chips, cigarettes if the jail allows them, Ramen noodle, whatever, that is your money in jail and it can buy all sorts of.....things.

3. If someone asks for any of your food when you are eating in the mess haul or wherever it is you eat, its best not to give it to them. I don't care if you have no intention of eating that cornbread, you do not give up cornbread in jail/prison. It makes you look weak and like a bitch and there are predators watching to see if you will give that food up. Do not underestimate what I am telling you.

4. When eating you will likely be 4 to table or more depending on the size of the tables. There will be salt and pepper on the table in most cases. DO NOT fucking reach over the table. If at any time your arm crosses over the plane of someones tray, the wrong person will crack your head open for that. If you don't have a straight shot at the salt and pepper, like its right in front of you then you ask someone to pass it to you.

5. In most county jails you have to shit and shower in a public area, no doors, no privacy. When you take a shit you flush it as soon as it hits the water. This is called a "courtesy flush." Then you wipe, then you flush again. If you do not courtesy flush and the wrong MF'ers are around, they will rip your ass off that toilet.

6. You do not discuss your case. If someone asks why you are in jail the best answer is, "I can't discuss my case, its still ongoing." The reason for this is because there may be someone locked up with you that doesn't like your crime and this will cause you serious problems. You do not discuss your case even with people who appear to be friendly. You have no real friends in jail and many of them will be probing for weaknesses in you. (Other than your real world buddies)

7. Most county jails have what are called shake downs. This means that at random times a half dozen guards will enter whatever area you are in and they will start screaming and acting like assholes. Most of the time they will herd you into a common area large enough to hold you all and then force you to undress. The reason why is because they want to see if you took some contraband from your cell and are hiding it on your person, so you will likely be ass naked at least once in a month, happened to me many times. So while you are standing ass naked with 10 or 20, or in my case 48 other men, the guards will then tear everything to shit, rip everything out of the bunks, look under the tables, etc, and then they make the inmates clean everything up, that is a shake down. Be very careful nobody plants anything on in your stuff. I once had a razor blade melted into a pen tube stashed on the underside of my bunk. That's a weapon and is another case. That means that inmates frame other inmates to keep them in jail longer. They plant a weapon in your cell then wait for a shake down.

8. Do not get too friendly with the guards. Some of the guards will seem alright and will even start conversations with you. Do not seem over friendly with the guards, other inmates are watching to see if you do and if you get a reputation for something like that then you can get your shit wrecked.

9. Be prepared mentally. Most county jails are loud places, they are loud 24/7 all day and all night, people yelling at each other, getting into fights etc. This can make sleep difficult and lead to you making an ill-advised decision.

10. The guards do not run the jail, they just make sure you don't get out. The jails and prisons are run by inmates.

This is just a primer for surviving in jail. Follow the rules of your particular jail and you will do fine. Stuff like no mad dogging, keep your mouth shut, do not discuss your case, do not be lulled in by people who appear friendly, search your bunk area daily for planted contraband, give a courtesy flush, do not reach over peoples food trays, do not surrender food even if you don't want it, and do not become too friendly with the guards.

Good list - I've spent some time in city jail here in san diego. I would add a couple things that don't seem obvious at first:

1. Don't take gifts/store from anyone - more than likely they are trying to set you up for later so that you "owe" them.
2. Don't gamble or incur any debts, drugs or otherwise - see rule number 1.
3. As non-PC as it sounds, don't give anything to a member of another race, like in your example, food, etc. When shit goes down, it's tribal warfare and each race backs it's own, regardless of how friendly you are with someone who is another race.
4. Leading to point 4 - if shit does go down, even if it's one white guy against 30 mexicans, you have to jump in if you are white and you think the guy who is getting dealt with deserved it - this is true for all races.
5. If you have to fart, sit on the toilet and flush as soon as you do (more applies to cells, not pods).
6. Also, if in a cell, never use the sink to brush your teeth - use the toilet to spit out your toothpaste, etc.
7. Don't be chummy with COs - you will look like a bitch.
8. Don't ever call someone a bitch or punk unless you really mean it and plan to get at it.
9. If you get shook down and busted for contraband that's not yours, keep your mouth shut and take the blame - it may suck in the short term, but will be better long term as far as how you get along with others.

But basically, just lie low, don't cause no problems, and don't disrespect anyone and you will be fine. Guys get in trouble because of the boredom. Keep yourself busy, workout, read, whatever, also keep in mind that if you use water bags to workout etc., you could be charged with contraband, so get a feel for what other guys are doing before you do it.

 

[Bobby Boulders]

so basically I have to do 30 days in county jail, I should get out in about 3 weeks with good behavior. Does anyone have any recommendations on ways to stay busy? I plan on going in there with a bodyweight workout regimen so exercise will help me keep my mind off things.. I'll also be reading as much as possible. Any tips on workouts/ how to kill time in there would be appreciated my fellow sherdoggers

Learn how to break the law better and more efficiently.

Seriously though, no worries bud. You will be ok.

Maybe we can meet up with some other Sherdoggers like us and play spades sometime.

 

[Michaelangelo]

put tissue paper on the toilet seat before setting your food on it

 

[Bobby Boulders]

Find a guy who has a piece of razor blade (they're always around), make a pillow out of your mattress and sheet. Tear some stuffing out of your mattress and cut off a portion of your sheet (you sacrifice a little bit of your cover, but not having a pillow sucks). Cut off just enough that you can make a small pillow and enough for strips to tie it together with. You need probably need an 18x18 square for the main portion, then you put the stuffing in and fold it over. Make a calzone looking pillow by cutting little holes every few inches and taking the strips of sheet and stuffing them through and tying them. Then take the razor blade shard and cut off the excess pieces of tied strips.

If you're crafty, you can make square pillows too. Probably the smaller the better though.

If they shake down and find it just make another one.

Sleep well.


I should make a YouTube video for this...

 

[TheGZA]

Look out for Mexicans wearing boots.

 

[faustian]

When TS returns the mods should change his username to Shaftmaster

 

[BisexualMMA]

what did you do?

 

[Exi]

The first inmate you see, beat the shit out of them until they are near death. It will add a lot to your sentence, but it's the only way they will respect you. Otherwise you won't make it. Good luck bruh

How to, first day tutorial found.



@shaffmeister
@Mike90

 

[shaffmeister]

You need better judgement. Stop being a dumbass and you won't end up in trouble. Shit happens is a terrible excuse. Remember this.

Cool man

 

[Liquid Smoke]

Don't pick up the soap.

What's he gonna do just kick it towards the drain? Actually, that sounds reasonable. Nevermind.

 

[Jack Reacheround]

The first thing you need to do is find the biggest, toughest, baddest motherfucker in there and suck his dick.

 

[shaffmeister]

The first thing you need to do is find the biggest, toughest, baddest motherfucker in there and suck his dick.

Is that what you would do?

 

[Chris Kyle is a liar]

Converting to Islam will help you stay safe and praying 5 times a day helps the time go by.

 

[fordman7795]

You can brew alcohol using fruit from your meals. Cards are a good way to kill time and meditation is the best thing to help you relax. Learn some shit off the smarter inmates. Anyone can end up in jail with one unlucky decision.

Unlucky? You mean stupid

 

[Pixelated Porn]

I did see one fight though. It was this white 50 something year old verse this black 20 something year old and even the black people were cheering for the white guy named Bones. The black kid made a bet in spades that he didn't pay up on..

did he go full nuts?

Converting to Islam will help you stay safe and praying 5 times a day helps the time go by.

well, besides going to hell for believing in a false prophet