It’s weird how when you show someone a picture of your kid or pet.. something you give so much personal meaning too and they clearly don’t GAF but you continue to do it anyway.. I’m about to do that now talking about the past few books I’ve read.
I had a complete spiritual and chemically induced catastrophe over thanksgiving break that it really rocked my world. Physically and spiritually. The year previous to this I was playing video games for about 20-25 hours a week and more or less living a life on autopilot. I haven’t played since but I’ve reading everyday.
Dreamland- a journalistic style book about the opiate pandemic in America that covers every facet of the perfect storm that got the whole nation dopesick. Pharma corporations pushing deadly drugs under the guise of a panacea, the doctors abusing their powers to distribute these drugs, the stories of cops and addicts alike that stretch from small villages in Mexico growing and manufacturing the black tar to the middle class subjects it decidedly falls upon and the rehabs struggling to minimize its damage. The book often references Columbus Ohio which in early 2000 was one of the epicenters of heroin epidemic. The city I grew up in and where I started shooting heroin when I was about 16 years old so the book hit close to home.
GLOCK - another journalistically style book written about the comeuppance of a humble shower hanger manufacture to his rise of one of most profitable and notorious gun manufacturers in the world.
I cracked open some Alan Watts and Thich Nhat Hanh about various subjects but struggled to get through the density and inaccessibility to really internalize some of the finer nuances of their truths and meanings.
Now for the important part.
I reread East of Eden which I previous read during one of the darkest points in my life and a time when I was sober for the first time since I was 14. It would take too long to write the coincidental significances and almost mysterious epiphanies and things that I encountered while reading that book but after reading it again I’m plunged back into the same cycle of moments that seem all too profound to be just coincidence.
The next book was Demian by Hesse which unbeknownst to me shared a similar and critical theme of the story of Cain and Abel.. one that is referenced several times in East of Eden.
different eras, different authors, and completely different books but at the end of each the internalized emotional change of psych I experienced was exactly the same.
Has anyone else ever found themselves.. or maybe something finding itself to them at exactly the right moment or during perfect conditions in which by desperation you’re finally ready and willing to accept some kind of catalyst for a real acceptance of change in psyche? Like the universe takes its place in you and tells you shut the fuck up and listen?
“at that time I found a peculiar refuge - by “chance,” as one says. But really such happenings cannot be attributed to chance. When a person is in need of something, and the necessary thing happens, this is not due to chance but to himself; his own desire leads him compellingly to the object of which he stands in need”
sometimes I get so caught up in wishing and wanting to be happy that I become miserable and forget it’s not even happiness that I truly desire. It’s just to be fucking awake.