Another joke thread.

[trolololol]

What’s the difference between an onion and a hooker?

I don’t cry when I’m cutting up the hooker.

 

[CatchOmega]

I had to go to the vet today.




Why?



Because my pythons are sick.

 

[DataBreach]

 

[llperez22]

how do you circumcise an alabama boy?

A: you kick his sister in the jaw

3 tough mice are hanging out in a bar in the bad side of town. Wanting to show off, the first mouse looks at the second mouse and says " you know those mouse traps? Well i set them off on purpose then i hit ten reps on the bar." The second mouse looking unimpressed slams his shot of tequilla then responds to the first mouse, "yeah, well you know that rat poison? I chop that shit up and put it in my coffee every morning for some extra kick." Then both mice stare over at the third mouse and say " what about you mouse?" The third mouse looks back at them, proceeds to pound his beer and then sets the empty mug on the table and gets up and responds " Man, I aint got time for this horse shit, i gotta get home and bang the cat."

 

[Gavster]

In high school I decided I was going to be a veterinarian.
Turns out it's way more work than just putting down cats all day.

 

[KONG-D'SNT-TAP]

Ask "What does a FROG say?" Ribbit.

Ask "What does a HORNY TOAD say?" Rub it.

 

[Primitivo]

Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar. Barman says "why the long face?".

Fixed.

 

[Patrick Jane]

How do you know Jesus was Jewish?
1. He lived with his Mother until he was 33
2. He believed his Mother was a virgin
3. His Mother believed he was the son of God
4. He went into his fathers business

 

[Big Tuppy Hole]

What do call a woman with no legs??

A dirty C unt

 

[Big Tuppy Hole]

A seal walks into a club

 

[rearnakedchoke]

Horse walks into a bar. Barman says "why the long face?".

Heard this before, but instead of a horse it was edith labelle ... Damn ... Still would, horse face and all ...

 

[deise69]

How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb ?

Spoiler

None, the bitch can make my sandwich in the dark.

 

[LilMountain]

My wife asked "what 2 things can i do on valentines day to make you happy?" "pack your bags and fuck off" i replied

 

[LilMountain]

I was in a French restaurant and I asked the waiter "May I use the toilet?"

"Oui Oui" he replied.

"Nope I need to go for a shit."

 

[Clippys Mom]

A seal walks into a club

 

[Timetravel_0]

How do you make a car top?

Tep on the brake tupid.

 

[Gazwald]

Yo momma so plus size she ripped a whole in the spacetime CONTINUENUM!

 

[DaDamn]

what's worse than ants in your pants?













uncles!

 

[Harmonica]

Sherlock holmes is trying to have sex with watson ... But he is having a hard time penetrating watsons rectum ... So he goes to the ice box and takes out a lemon pie and rubs it on his member and walks back to watsons and proceeds to penetrate watson with ease ... A delighted watson asks holmes what he did ... Sherlock says "lemon entry my dear watson ... Lemon entry!"

I'm dying over here.

 

[MarloStanfield]

my girlfriend said i want tonight to be magical. so i fucked her and disapeared