Another joke thread.

[ralphc1]

A man drives into a farmers yard and sees a pig with a wooden leg. He asks the farmer what's the story on that pig. The farmer tells him that it's a very special pig. One day the pig came up to the house squealing. He followed the pig and found that his son had fallen and cut his head open and knocked himself out. If not for that pig, his son would have died.

Then one night, the pig woke them up squealing in the middle of the night and led them to the barn. A fire had started and, if not for that pig, the barn would have burned down.

The visitor asks but why does the pig have a wooden leg.

Spoiler

The farmer says; "Well when you have a pig like that, you don't eat him all at once."

 

[dije1]

Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people live next to a pedophile. Not me though. I live next to 2 beautiful 14 year olds.

 

[dije1]

A man goes to a doctor.


Man: "Good morning."
Doctor: "What's the problem"

The man whips out his dick. It is all red and swollen up.

Doctor: "We need to amputate it..."

Man: "You're crazy!"

And the man leaves.
He goes to a second doctor and the same thing happens.
Finally, at the third doctor...

Doc: "Good morning! What is the problem?"

The man again pulls out his dick.

Man: "Now tell me, do we need to amputate it?"

Doctor: "No."

Man: "Oh thank God"

Doctor: "It will fall off by itself."

 

[StephanieB]

And Jesus leaned off the cross and whispered to Peter, 'I can see your house from here'

 

[Hyperglide]

What do you call her if she was asian?
Irene.

What do you call a Fox with one leg??

Spoiler

Terry

 

[Hyperglide]

What do women and KFC have in common?

Spoiler

Once you're done with the breasts and the thighs all you're left with is a wet box.

 

[Hyperglide]

A Baby Seal slithers into a bar, and manages to work his way up to the stool.

Perplexed the Bartender says "Uh... what can I get ya?"

The Baby Seal able to speak fluent english says "Anything, as long as it's not a Canadian Club on the rocks."

 

[StephanieB]

A man gets the news that his father died, he goes back to the village for the funeral.

He asks the local funeral director to tape the funeral as it is the custom, the night before though the funeral director goes to the local pub and gets drunk. When he gets home he prepares the camera for the next day. Everything seemed to have gone ok and when he goes to review the tape he finds out there is no tape in the camera as he was too drunk to remember to put it in.

So he gets a bright idea, since all the same people always attend the funerals (small village) he decides to just use the tape from the previous funeral. He sends it to the man and doesn't hear back for a week. He decides to call him and asks "so what did you think of the tape?" the man replies "its good but that's not my father's funeral", the funeral director asks "how do you mean?" the man replies "because I can see him carrying the coffin"

There is a Jewish guy was disliked by just about every one he knew and screwed
over just about every one he met. So one day the guy dies and the Rabbi is
presiding over the funeral service. He is up in front of the congregation
and recites all the required prayers and performs all of the required
rituals. Then the Rabbi looks out at the audience and says, "Would any one
like to make comment about the deceased?" Dead silence. The silence
continues for a full minute, then two minutes, then three minutes. The
people in the audience are clearly becoming uncomfortable. Finally, one man
in the back row raises his hand and says, "His brother was worse."

 

[dije1]

I have the heart of a child.

I keep it in a jar.

 

[MacDuffle]

I have the jar of a child. I stole it from @dije1





I will drunkenly throw Mitch Hedberg lines at this thread though, until the World melts:

 

[SenorFranko]

What do you call a man with a Seagull on his head?

Cliff

 

[SenorFranko]

What do you call a man with a spade on his head?

Doug

 

[DilltheThrill]

What does an Ethiopian do in the dark?

Spoiler

Starve.

 

[SenorFranko]

Did you hear about the poker game on the leprosy colony?


Somebody threw their hand in

 

[SenorFranko]

Did you hear about the Ice Hockey game on the leprosy colony?



There was a Face Off in the corner

 

[MacDuffle]

...What if Michael Jackson didn't understand how mirrors worked, and legitimately thought that The Man In The Mirror was an evil entity that needed to change its ways