Relationship I would do anything for love, but

[chimpoehurricane]

My neighbors when growing up ended in a murder suicide. I'm pretty sure their two sons who were both in elementary school would have just preferred a divorce than a progressive toxic escalation that ended with them being orphans.

Who was your neighbor? Chris Benoit. The crippler? <Lmaoo>

 

[William Huggins]

I respect your intentions. However, this thread has some teachable moments.

Staying together to keep up the pretenses for family, friends, and kids is called a "fantasy bond" which is the majority of marital relationships. It's toxic and dysfunctional.

“Most people have fears of intimacy and are self-protective and at the same time are terrified of being alone. Their solution to their emotional dilemma is to form a fantasy bond. This illusion of connection and closeness allows them to maintain an imagination of love and loving while preserving emotional distance”.
How Do I Know if I Have a Fantasy Bond? (psychalive.org)

The reason why it's so important for both parties to share a lifelong goal of personal development before they have kids is because they would've already learned how to overcome many of their divides and will continue to do so long into the relationship.

For example, while on date night:

"Hun, lately I have been feeling some emotional distance between us. I've finished this book, course, activity, etc., and I would for us to go through it together. It has some great suggestions that we would be able to appreciate."

I recommend "Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love" by John Gottman to get you started.

Taking the lead in finding the right solution, and then bringing her on board through courtship, lets her know you are serious about the relationship. Demonstration beats conversation. If you have been continuously pursuing this goal, she will already know what the deal is, and it will get her working on the relationship as well. Nothing is lost if she isn't feeling your first suggestion, keep working at it.

If she isn't interested in working on the relationship, you would've been able to find out a long time before being hunkered down with commitments. Keep working on yourself, until you are ready to leave or move on to someone who wants to match your level of love, happiness, and success.

Life is too short to be living a lie. If your kids have mature, healthy, loving relationships to model after, they may not understand a divorce when they are young, but they will understand and thank you later.

Which is why I said it's probably better that the picking of life partners be left to someone others than the parties involved, humans do such a crap job.

Someone children still do suffer from the outcome of a divorce far into their adulthood and the outcome is still better when they don't come from single parent families.

If both parties are capable to co parent and remain amicable, why wouldn't they be able to fix the marriage....... Surely two such reasonable adult humans can work out their differences?

This fantasy bond just sounds like one or both parties have issues and again I'll revert back to what I said, people shouldn't be picking such an important part of their life on their own. It certainly wasn't that way before.

 

[ferrisjso]

I preface this with my family are good, my wife and I are doing great, 19yrs married, kids are healthy and my cat who went missing came back 12 days later! It's all good, but I'm on these dad support forums and fuck me if it isn't all people talking about divorce etc.

"I would do anything for my kids"

"I'd die to protect them"

"The greatest gift I ever had came from God. I call him my son." - Jim Valvano

"My greatest accomplishment is my children." - Jackie Chan

"My kids are my life. I would do anything for them." - Angelina Jolie

"Being a parent is the biggest sacrifice one can make. It's putting your life on hold to fulfill the promise of your children's tomorrow."

"I would give my life for my children without a second thought."

"My children are my everything. I would sacrifice anything for them."

"I am so grateful for my children. They are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I would do anything for them."



Yet pretty much everyone who decides they don't love their wife or husband enough is like, see ya, co parenting and fighting over the kids providing them with verifiably worse parenting,less consistent and often open to abuse from future partners of the ex.

It's got to be the real I would do anything for love but I won't do that.

Sorry kid, my happiness comes first, I absolutely can't just get along with the person I chose as life partner, whom I loved and sweared a vow to, naw I just can't suck it up for you kid. I've decided you're fine. So many dad's wondering what they can do about their ex introducing partners to the kids as soon as they meet em and the gnarly shit that goes down with that. I want to say this is your fucking bed man, you literally made it, what did you think would happen?

When you marry you vow to stay with them regardless. You agree to sacrifice. When you have kids you are ultimately responsible.

And yet.

Weak weak weak.

This is based on the idea that keeping a nuclear family together is beneficial to a child regardless of context. Its more complicated than that. I generally believe that parents are obligated to put their childrens needs before their own. What that means is subjective. Forcing parents to be unhappy for the childrens sake is not really the answer. To kids who went through divorce the answer to their problems will often be for their parents to stay together for their sake because the grass is always greener but the truth is they don't know how things would have went if that happened.

50% of marriages end in divorce and I imagine the number of relationships with kids that are unsuccessful is far north of 50%. All those are different situations. There was a time when almost all married couples stayed together out of peer pressure and the reason that dynamic changed is people were unhappy with it. The people who lived through that time are mostly gone but the nuclear family was not perfect and should not be put on a pedestal.

 

[BB in Crazy!!!!]

Who was your neighbor? Chris Benoit. The crippler? <Lmaoo>

No. Their parents didn't kill their kids. They were at school when it happened. The kids ended up staying with us for a few days before going to live with their grandparents. We did end up adopting the family cat though.

 

[Jake the Muss]

Which is why I said it's probably better that the picking of life partners be left to someone others than the parties involved, humans do such a crap job.

Someone children still do suffer from the outcome of a divorce far into their adulthood and the outcome is still better when they don't come from single parent families.

If both parties are capable to co parent and remain amicable, why wouldn't they be able to fix the marriage....... Surely two such reasonable adult humans can work out their differences?

This fantasy bond just sounds like one or both parties have issues and again I'll revert back to what I said, people shouldn't be picking such an important part of their life on their own. It certainly wasn't that way before.

The divorce rate in the US is expected to be over 50%, and the majority of the remaining marriages maintain a fantasy bond for appearance's sake. If husbands only knew how willing their wives are to give it all up for the one-time, they would make courting and working on their relationship a top priority. Apparently, only 3% of marriages are happy and successful, and that doesn't even include all the defunct romantic relationships that don't even reach spousehood.

I think society in general needs more education on emotional and relational intelligence, and it would be ideal if it was taught in school rather than some BS that most of us are not going to need. Getting married for most people is the third most important legal event in their lives after birth and death, and we would be lucky to get a pamphlet and maybe some pre-marital therapy sessions beforehand.

We are so conditioned by society through norms, biases, obligation, and shame that getting married and white-knuckling through it all is what we have come to know as being a "good person", at the expense of ignoring the obvious, like our overall well-being. Our kids end up modeling a form of love that is void of substance, and they grow up repeating the same vicious cycles of cruelty, just to appease others.

 

[rocketskates]

There’s not a thing in this world that I wouldn’t do for my kids to include dying the most horrific death imaginable. They mean everything to me.

 

[GergreG]

I couldn't do it, even for the kids. When I was in my 20s I lived with a partner and falling out of love with her was horrible. A wonderful person but I just lost the physical attraction, over about 6 mths. There were periods where we slept in different rooms as I made up excuses and she tried really hard to keep us together but deep down she knew. It's too emotionally draining to fake it, for me at least.

I'm very glad I didn't marry until into my 30s.

 

[Jake the Muss]

I couldn't do it, even for the kids. When I was in my 20s I lived with a partner and falling out of love with her was horrible. A wonderful person but I just lost the physical attraction, over about 6 mths. There were periods where we slept in different rooms as I made up excuses and she tried really hard to keep us together but deep down she knew. It's too emotionally draining to fake it, for me at least.

I'm very glad I didn't marry until into my 30s.

I'll do anything for my kids, except model integrity in my relationships.

 

[Dogshare]

I couldn't do it, even for the kids. When I was in my 20s I lived with a partner and falling out of love with her was horrible. A wonderful person but I just lost the physical attraction, over about 6 mths. There were periods where we slept in different rooms as I made up excuses and she tried really hard to keep us together but deep down she knew. It's too emotionally draining to fake it, for me at least.

I'm very glad I didn't marry until into my 30s.

How can you lose physical attraction in that short amount of time, especially when she was a wonderfull person? She changed a lot or you just saw other women you liked more, or what happened that one day you have physical attraction and one day you haven't anymore?

I also lost physical attraction, but that was because of how my ex acted. Would she have been a wonderfull person I would always have worked it out for our kids.

 

[GergreG]

How can you lose physical attraction in that short amount of time, especially when she was a wonderfull person? She changed a lot or you just saw other women you liked more, or what happened that one day you have physical attraction and one day you haven't anymore?

I also lost physical attraction, but that was because of how my ex acted. Would she have been a wonderfull person I would always have worked it out for our kids.

She put on some weight, but I guess more importantly she failed to respond to some health issues she was experiencing. We'd make plans and she would cancel at the last moment, very regularly because she wasn't feeling up to it. I constantly begged he to see a doctor about it, recommended and encouraged different activities, like tai chi, meditation, swimming, Chinese medicine, doctors, yoga... she just wasn't interested in working out what the problem was. We split then I saw her about two years later and she told me she finally saw someone who diagnosed her with diabetes.

 

[chimpoehurricane]

No. Their parents didn't kill their kids. They were at school when it happened. The kids ended up staying with us for a few days before going to live with their grandparents. We did end up adopting the family cat though.

I was joking. I didn't think the crippler was your neighbor.

 

[BB in Crazy!!!!]

I was joking. I didn't think the crippler was your neighbor.

Hey, you never know on Sherdog. All our neighbors are required to bench 275 or there goes the neighborhood.

 

[chimpoehurricane]

Hey, you never know on Sherdog. All our neighbors are required to bench 275 or there goes the neighborhood.

Don't forget internet tough guys in their moms basement covered in cheetos dust and hot pockets. Let's not forget cucks; the guys that watch their wife's bull come over.

 

[Hellowhosthat]

Personally I split up with my ex, she re-married and we have shared custody of our daughter and everything is absolutely fine. Her mother and I are much friendlier and nicer to each other when we don't live together.

 

[I Am Legion]

Life is funny. You marry someone and have a wonderful family. But kids grow up and have their own lives. I see women that might not always age as well as some men. Then these men get younger women into them. For stability, experience, and charm. Women do not have that same option. They might get laid but they aren't getting marriage offers. So some men do "Upgrade" as they can't resist younger and more beautiful women. It can be a cruel cycle in which then the woman gets revenge financially. If you love someone you have to keep away from thje temptations. Marriage has failed because too many people are willing to throw it away without trying. Although in some cases, it should be thrown away. Obviously abuse etc...

 

[BearGrounds]

Not sure growing up in an environment where the parents hate each other is that much better for the kids.

This is a cop out. Get along for the sake of the child. Anything short of that and you're a failure.