How can I help my Friend not be a Creep

[Doughbelly]

I can recall countless many instances of this guy saying weird, creepy shit to girls. In this case, he kept making jokes about how he's going to spank her and how he wanted to have a threesome with another girl who is this girl's friend. Mind you, he barely knows this girl. She at first ignored his jokes but he kept making them so she straight up told him to stop it. And this dude started backtracking and started making excuses about how he's just playing around. I am kind of tempted to post the chat here but it is extremely cringe-worthy... The funny thing is that this girl is white, and he has repeatedly told me he doesn't like white girls. This isn't the first time I've had a girl complain to me about his advances.

Now there are subtle ways to make sexual jokes but this guy's remarks come out of the left field. Sometimes he makes jokes that irritates other guys as well. He's made jokes about fucking our(my friends and I) sisters or our future daughters, calling all women bitches including our family members, etc. Sure we're friends and we all make fucked up jokes from time to time but he does it without any sense of comedic timing or subtlety. Just makes you go, "WTF dude..."

I've talked about shrinks with him in the past since I used to see one. But like with every suggestion I make, he has an excuse ready. He said they don't help him, based on one experience he had when he was like 13.

So I just had a chat with another buddy about this dude. Let's just call him Nigel for convenience. My other buddy also got a text from a girl he knows about Nigel's creepiness. He invited her to party with us on the weekend but she doesn't want to because of Nigel. His creepiness and lack of social awareness is now cutting into our social life. I figured it's a far better move to at least directly talk to him about his weirdness and see if he can change, or at least get him to try to talk to women like a normal person. I and some other guys have always given him tips from time to time, and he has asked for them as well, but he has never taken them to heart. But I also never have actually sat him down to talk to him about this shit. I will talk about the texts he has sent not to my friend, but pretty much every female he comes in contact with. Because there some simple things he can do differently that I think will make a huge difference.

I would like to steer this thread to the direction of helping my dear friend. I don't think I can turn him into a player, since I'm not that myself, but I would like to at least make him able to socialize like a normal human being. I know you can't really help people who don't want to be, but I am hoping I can convince him to change for his sake. How do you guys suggest I approach this?

That's a better direction to take this thread and I find it admirable that you are trying this hard to help the guy.

I'd be careful about doing this solo. He's just going to take it as an assault on his identity and he might take to blaming you for his problems. You might want to take more of an intervention approach with a couple of your friends. Start with stuff within your own personal experiences as opposed to things that were said by people not present (such as girls). Creepy, inappropriate jokes might be one.

I think this thread now deserves the attention of @cooks1 who is totally awesome at figuring stuff like this out.

 

[Pugilistic]

Oh no, one of those huh? I was going to say pay a prostitute to pick him up in a bar but that may make it worse. Do you know any chicks that would break it down for him that women aren't just sperm receptacles and if you want them to want to serve that purpose for you he's going 180° in the wrong direction? At the very least be honest that the stupid shit he's saying is scaring all the women away.

I suggested that he go to a prostitute and shot that idea down. I don't know why because he's been to them before and he spends more money at clubs at anyway. I'm not sure how many chicks are willing to put up with him enough to break it down for him. I mean, my friend spelled it out for him and his reaction was to get defensive.

That's a better direction to take this thread and I find it admirable that you are trying this hard to help the guy.

I'd be careful about doing this solo. He's just going to take it as an assault on his identity and he might take to blaming you for his problems. You might want to take more of an intervention approach with a couple of your friends. Start with stuff within your own personal experiences as opposed to things that were said by people not present (such as girls). Creepy, inappropriate jokes might be one.

I think this thread now deserves the attention of @cooks1 who is totally awesome at figuring stuff like this out.

Yeah I'm doing this with another guy. It would be great if there was another guy who has known him for years present, but most of those guys don't hang around anymore. It makes me wonder if I'm lagging behind in growth or if I'm just that much more patient. Another one of our friends tried to convince this guy to make healthier life choices for years to no avail. I expect him to get defensive and have his feelings hurt to some degree. Last year he stopped talking to me for months because I told him to stop gossiping about one of our mutual friend's love life. So I wouldn't be surprised if something similar happens.

Helping, or attempting to do so, is just the best move for everybody involved I think. Nobody can't say we just cut him off, and he can't claim that I never tried for him. I've known him for years so it is hard to just cut him off especially considering we have mutual friends, and he lives close and frequents the same bars that I do. I don't have confidence he can be helped but at least I tried.

 

[Phlog]

You don't change people, it's people that change themselves. Wither adapt to make his life easier or cut him out of your life.

 

[Phlog]

Not saying you can't help by talking to him about it, but you might make things worse also. It's down to your skill in creating an interest in him to seek change.

 

[Phlog]

And fuck that.

 

[Yellowking]

Probably just stop hanging out with dudes that go to clubs and pay for bottle service. What kind of woman do you think is in to that? Not a good'n that is for sure...maybe hot but probably dumb and impressed by really cringey, basic stuff.

Truth is, me and a lot of dudes would nail that type on a weeknight with a right swipe and not a $ spent

 

[ShinkanPo]

Spoiler

Well not really but basically that's what it seems like. I have a buddy who is just terrible with women. He says he hasn't gotten laid in about 3 years and I feel bad for him. Over the years he's asked me for advice because as bad as I am, I still get laid once in awhile.

ah this is the Pimp thread?

You better tell him that at his age asking guys to pimp girls for them is really creepy he better realize that he is creepy

 

[cooks1]

That's a better direction to take this thread and I find it admirable that you are trying this hard to help the guy.

I'd be careful about doing this solo. He's just going to take it as an assault on his identity and he might take to blaming you for his problems. You might want to take more of an intervention approach with a couple of your friends. Start with stuff within your own personal experiences as opposed to things that were said by people not present (such as girls). Creepy, inappropriate jokes might be one.

I think this thread now deserves the attention of @cooks1 who is totally awesome at figuring stuff like this out.

Awww.....That gives me the feelz.

Guess I have a few questions here. The first one is what makes this cringeworthy fellow such an awesome friend? Maybe he is an awesome, amazing friend, but I have yet to hear one redeeming feature. I need to hear the reasons why Pugilistic is keeping this person in his close orbit.

Once that question is addressed, we can move on to question 2. Which is why does anyone give a shit how much this cat is getting laid. I have many friends. Some I am very close with, some I am not as tight with. But I can tell you with certainty that I give 0.00 shits about how much any of them are getting laid. Seems to me that some people are trying to take this dudes problem and make it their own. No reason to do that.

My general rule of thumb with friends behaving in a way I don't want to be associated with is that I will give them a gentle nudge or suggestion to modify their behavior. Which they are under no obligation to heed as they are a grown ass person. But if they don't modify their behavior, I modify mine

With this fellow, assuming he was still worth having as a friend, I would have changed my orbit to be around him only during male only events like poker nights or fishing or hunting or whatever. Plenty of ways I can be a friend to the guy without getting sucked into his weird shit. If he solicits my advice during those events I will happily give it, but I have the benefit of not being in a surrounding where I have to endure, and be associated with, the actual antics themselves.

 

[Undying Poster]

Creepy = ugly

Try making him attractive, otherwise you should probably put him down.

 

[Pugilistic]

Awww.....That gives me the feelz.

Guess I have a few questions here. The first one is what makes this cringeworthy fellow such an awesome friend? Maybe he is an awesome, amazing friend, but I have yet to hear one redeeming feature. I need to hear the reasons why Pugilistic is keeping this person in his close orbit.

Once that question is addressed, we can move on to question 2. Which is why does anyone give a shit how much this cat is getting laid. I have many friends. Some I am very close with, some I am not as tight with. But I can tell you with certainty that I give 0.00 shits about how much any of them are getting laid. Seems to me that some people are trying to take this dudes problem and make it their own. No reason to do that.

My general rule of thumb with friends behaving in a way I don't want to be associated with is that I will give them a gentle nudge or suggestion to modify their behavior. Which they are under no obligation to heed as they are a grown ass person. But if they don't modify their behavior, I modify mine

With this fellow, assuming he was still worth having as a friend, I would have changed my orbit to be around him only during male only events like poker nights or fishing or hunting or whatever. Plenty of ways I can be a friend to the guy without getting sucked into his weird shit. If he solicits my advice during those events I will happily give it, but I have the benefit of not being in a surrounding where I have to endure, and be associated with, the actual antics themselves.

Great post with good points. If I'm being honest, I can't give you a solid answer. I've asked that question myself, tried to break down what the friendship brings to my life, even questioning the concept of friendship itself to figure out if I need this dude in my life. In the years I've known him, he was the only one who had my back once in a conflict I had years back with some dude who was trying to fuck with my then girlfriend. Something even my best friend at the time didn't do. And he got wasted with me when my recent ex left me. But overall he has also brought a lot of negativity to my life as well. My life wouldn't change much if he was out of my life because at the heart of it all, he's really just a long-time drinking buddy. I can't say we have a deep connection or an intellectual repertoire, and he's not a particularly fun guy to be around either...so why do I hang out with him? I guess in some ways it's difficult to avoid him since he's around the same area as I am and he hangs out with many of the same guys as I do, unless I drastically change my social environment. Because I truly believe he is autistic, there's also an element of pity. I've been socially awkward and terrible (even more than now) with women once, so I want to see others conquer it. I invite him out to parties and introduce him to people to try to get him out of his shell.

And to be really really honest, despite all of the annoying shit he says, he's still an easy person to be around with in that he has not one assertive bone in his body despite his tough guy persona. He'll do whatever I or the other guys do - not that I boss him around. My masculinity is never threatened nor do I have to worry about a girl I'm interested being more into him. He's just...there. Is he truly an amazing friend? No, but he's easy to hang out with. And that realization makes me feel like a shitty person.

As for 2, I don't really care about his sex life. But he tries very hard to make his problem my problem through constant complaining and asking me to introduce him to girls, etc. He's been nagging me to hit on more girls so he can get a piece of the action. And due to his antics, some girls, including those I consider very close friends, are being bothered by him. So I figure my options are to attempt to assist him and/or cut him off in a way that doesn't leave hard feelings.

 

[cooks1]

Great post with good points. If I'm being honest, I can't give you a solid answer. I've asked that question myself, tried to break down what the friendship brings to my life, even questioning the concept of friendship itself to figure out if I need this dude in my life. In the years I've known him, he was the only one who had my back once in a conflict I had years back with some dude who was trying to fuck with my then girlfriend. Something even my best friend at the time didn't do. And he got wasted with me when my recent ex left me. But overall he has also brought a lot of negativity to my life as well. My life wouldn't change much if he was out of my life because at the heart of it all, he's really just a long-time drinking buddy. I can't say we have a deep connection or an intellectual repertoire, and he's not a particularly fun guy to be around either...so why do I hang out with him? I guess in some ways it's difficult to avoid him since he's around the same area as I am and he hangs out with many of the same guys as I do, unless I drastically change my social environment. Because I truly believe he is autistic, there's also an element of pity. I've been socially awkward and terrible (even more than now) with women once, so I want to see others conquer it. I invite him out to parties and introduce him to people to try to get him out of his shell.

And to be really really honest, despite all of the annoying shit he says, he's still an easy person to be around with in that he has not one assertive bone in his body despite his tough guy persona. He'll do whatever I or the other guys do - not that I boss him around. My masculinity is never threatened nor do I have to worry about a girl I'm interested being more into him. He's just...there. Is he truly an amazing friend? No, but he's easy to hang out with. And that realization makes me feel like a shitty person.

As for 2, I don't really care about his sex life. But he tries very hard to make his problem my problem through constant complaining and asking me to introduce him to girls, etc. He's been nagging me to hit on more girls so he can get a piece of the action. And due to his antics, some girls, including those I consider very close friends, are being bothered by him. So I figure my options are to attempt to assist him and/or cut him off in a way that doesn't leave hard feelings.

Well- Good Luck with whichever way you go.

 

[A.S. Deep]

Spoiler

Well not really but basically that's what it seems like. I have a buddy who is just terrible with women. He says he hasn't gotten laid in about 3 years and I feel bad for him. Over the years he's asked me for advice because as bad as I am, I still get laid once in awhile.

But I've known him for about 4 years and as far as I could tell he refuses to make any changes in his life this whole time. Doesn't work out, eats like crap, and is just very negative. He never listens to the advice I or the other guys give him. He always has an excuse ready, or he'll just listen and not follow through. So I've given up on trying to help him. I can listen to him complain about how much he doesn't get laid because I know he's just wants to vent rather than do something about it. Okay I can do that since I'm a friend.

Recently, he's been often trying to get me to hit on chicks while he's with me in hopes he'll get to meet one via proxy. It's annoying because he's only doing it so he can meet girls but he tries to make it out like he's encouraging me to do it for myself. He can do it himself but he's too scared. And when I actually tried to introduce him to girls, he does nothing.

He's getting desperate, and now it's getting pathetic. He said he spent like 50 bucks on Tinder so he can more likes, despite him not knowing how to text girls to make a difference (His text game is horrendous. Even other dudes get annoyed with his texts). He'll spend hundreds of dollars at a club to get a VIP table because apparently chicks flock to VIP tables, yet he still can't get laid. Now he's asking me to introduce him to girls I know, and he will pay me for it. Even including ones I've banged. Said he'll pay extra if he ends up banging.

So basically he's asking me to pimp out chicks to him. A small part of me thought it could be an easy way to make money. But I would feel like I'm robbing a friend because I know he won't get anywhere and I don't want to make the girls I know what would probably be an unpleasant experience. So I promptly responded, "What the fuck, dude."

Cliffs:
1. Friend hasn't gotten laid in years
2. Has bad game and is desperate
3. Offers to pay me to introduce chicks to him
4. Should I be a pimp?

* Update
So I just had a chat with another buddy about this dude. Let's just call him Nigel for convenience. My other buddy also got a text from a girl he knows about Nigel's creepiness. He invited her to party with us on the weekend but she doesn't want to because of Nigel. His creepiness and lack of social awareness is now cutting into our social life. I figured it's a far better move to at least directly talk to him about his weirdness and see if he can change, or at least get him to try to talk to women like a normal person. I and some other guys have always given him tips from time to time, and he has asked for them as well, but he has never taken them to heart. But I also never have actually sat him down to talk to him about this shit. I will talk about the texts he has sent not to my friend, but pretty much every female he comes in contact with. Because there some simple things he can do differently that I think will make a huge difference.

I would like to steer this thread to the direction of helping my dear friend. I don't think I can turn him into a player, since I'm not that myself, but I would like to at least make him able to socialize like a normal human being. I know you can't really help people who don't want to be, but I am hoping I can convince him to change for his sake. How do you guys suggest I approach this?

Cliffs:
1. Friend has absolute shit game and no social awareness
2. He's creeped out several girls I know, and now creeped out a girl a mutual friend knows
3. We plan to talk to him about this or we can't invite him to party with us without girl's avoiding us to avoid him
4. How should we proceed?

Get his money and give him some chick. Before the date, though, tell the girl that your friend isn't the most charming guy and give her a cut of the money. Tell your friend that your services will only guarantee one date per girl, nothing more. This way he'll keep on paying you for first dates until he succeeds. He wins and you win.

 

[mushishi]

Make him a workout buddy.

 

[Doughbelly]

Awww.....That gives me the feelz.

Guess I have a few questions here. The first one is what makes this cringeworthy fellow such an awesome friend? Maybe he is an awesome, amazing friend, but I have yet to hear one redeeming feature. I need to hear the reasons why Pugilistic is keeping this person in his close orbit.

Once that question is addressed, we can move on to question 2. Which is why does anyone give a shit how much this cat is getting laid. I have many friends. Some I am very close with, some I am not as tight with. But I can tell you with certainty that I give 0.00 shits about how much any of them are getting laid. Seems to me that some people are trying to take this dudes problem and make it their own. No reason to do that.

My general rule of thumb with friends behaving in a way I don't want to be associated with is that I will give them a gentle nudge or suggestion to modify their behavior. Which they are under no obligation to heed as they are a grown ass person. But if they don't modify their behavior, I modify mine

With this fellow, assuming he was still worth having as a friend, I would have changed my orbit to be around him only during male only events like poker nights or fishing or hunting or whatever. Plenty of ways I can be a friend to the guy without getting sucked into his weird shit. If he solicits my advice during those events I will happily give it, but I have the benefit of not being in a surrounding where I have to endure, and be associated with, the actual antics themselves.

I always picture you as Mayberry's own personal and professional relationship guru.

 

[KillMeGod]

you can't teach a creep to be normal, you should cut him loose... you dont want this guy around when you and all your friends have kids and you are doling family stuff and you have to invite the weirdo over too

 

[Eazy123]

Depends on if you have a dominant backhand slap or not.

 

[Grrrr]

Say....hey, stop being a weird motherfucker.
If he doesn't heed your advice then say fk it and bail.

 

[Doughbelly]

Great post with good points. If I'm being honest, I can't give you a solid answer. I've asked that question myself, tried to break down what the friendship brings to my life, even questioning the concept of friendship itself to figure out if I need this dude in my life. In the years I've known him, he was the only one who had my back once in a conflict I had years back with some dude who was trying to fuck with my then girlfriend. Something even my best friend at the time didn't do. And he got wasted with me when my recent ex left me. But overall he has also brought a lot of negativity to my life as well. My life wouldn't change much if he was out of my life because at the heart of it all, he's really just a long-time drinking buddy. I can't say we have a deep connection or an intellectual repertoire, and he's not a particularly fun guy to be around either...so why do I hang out with him? I guess in some ways it's difficult to avoid him since he's around the same area as I am and he hangs out with many of the same guys as I do, unless I drastically change my social environment. Because I truly believe he is autistic, there's also an element of pity. I've been socially awkward and terrible (even more than now) with women once, so I want to see others conquer it. I invite him out to parties and introduce him to people to try to get him out of his shell.

And to be really really honest, despite all of the annoying shit he says, he's still an easy person to be around with in that he has not one assertive bone in his body despite his tough guy persona. He'll do whatever I or the other guys do - not that I boss him around. My masculinity is never threatened nor do I have to worry about a girl I'm interested being more into him. He's just...there. Is he truly an amazing friend? No, but he's easy to hang out with. And that realization makes me feel like a shitty person.

As for 2, I don't really care about his sex life. But he tries very hard to make his problem my problem through constant complaining and asking me to introduce him to girls, etc. He's been nagging me to hit on more girls so he can get a piece of the action. And due to his antics, some girls, including those I consider very close friends, are being bothered by him. So I figure my options are to attempt to assist him and/or cut him off in a way that doesn't leave hard feelings.

That's one of those things about friendship that can be bitch. Once you have loyalty, you have to give it.

 

[IIIIIIII]

Spoiler

Well not really but basically that's what it seems like. I have a buddy who is just terrible with women. He says he hasn't gotten laid in about 3 years and I feel bad for him. Over the years he's asked me for advice because as bad as I am, I still get laid once in awhile.

But I've known him for about 4 years and as far as I could tell he refuses to make any changes in his life this whole time. Doesn't work out, eats like crap, and is just very negative. He never listens to the advice I or the other guys give him. He always has an excuse ready, or he'll just listen and not follow through. So I've given up on trying to help him. I can listen to him complain about how much he doesn't get laid because I know he's just wants to vent rather than do something about it. Okay I can do that since I'm a friend.

Recently, he's been often trying to get me to hit on chicks while he's with me in hopes he'll get to meet one via proxy. It's annoying because he's only doing it so he can meet girls but he tries to make it out like he's encouraging me to do it for myself. He can do it himself but he's too scared. And when I actually tried to introduce him to girls, he does nothing.

He's getting desperate, and now it's getting pathetic. He said he spent like 50 bucks on Tinder so he can more likes, despite him not knowing how to text girls to make a difference (His text game is horrendous. Even other dudes get annoyed with his texts). He'll spend hundreds of dollars at a club to get a VIP table because apparently chicks flock to VIP tables, yet he still can't get laid. Now he's asking me to introduce him to girls I know, and he will pay me for it. Even including ones I've banged. Said he'll pay extra if he ends up banging.

So basically he's asking me to pimp out chicks to him. A small part of me thought it could be an easy way to make money. But I would feel like I'm robbing a friend because I know he won't get anywhere and I don't want to make the girls I know what would probably be an unpleasant experience. So I promptly responded, "What the fuck, dude."

Cliffs:
1. Friend hasn't gotten laid in years
2. Has bad game and is desperate
3. Offers to pay me to introduce chicks to him
4. Should I be a pimp?

* Update
So I just had a chat with another buddy about this dude. Let's just call him Nigel for convenience. My other buddy also got a text from a girl he knows about Nigel's creepiness. He invited her to party with us on the weekend but she doesn't want to because of Nigel. His creepiness and lack of social awareness is now cutting into our social life. I figured it's a far better move to at least directly talk to him about his weirdness and see if he can change, or at least get him to try to talk to women like a normal person. I and some other guys have always given him tips from time to time, and he has asked for them as well, but he has never taken them to heart. But I also never have actually sat him down to talk to him about this shit. I will talk about the texts he has sent not to my friend, but pretty much every female he comes in contact with. Because there some simple things he can do differently that I think will make a huge difference.

I would like to steer this thread to the direction of helping my dear friend. I don't think I can turn him into a player, since I'm not that myself, but I would like to at least make him able to socialize like a normal human being. I know you can't really help people who don't want to be, but I am hoping I can convince him to change for his sake. How do you guys suggest I approach this?

Cliffs:
1. Friend has absolute shit game and no social awareness
2. He's creeped out several girls I know, and now creeped out a girl a mutual friend knows
3. We plan to talk to him about this or we can't invite him to party with us without girl's avoiding us to avoid him
4. How should we proceed?

you cannot do anything until your friend gains true confidence in himself and is no longer AFRAID of women. i'm going to guess that your friend acts the way he does, because he's unsure of himself and is so scared to make mistakes with women, that he bumbles and stumbles, and his lack of confidence shines through and scares away women and people in general.

 

[blaseblah]

you can't teach a creep to be normal, you should cut him loose... you dont want this guy around when you and all your friends have kids and you are doling family stuff and you have to invite the weirdo over too

This dude is gonna be asking to bang his daughter when she turns 18.