I am always fascinated by trends. And I am especially intrigued by the emerging trend among European schools, and now some American schools as well, to ban best
friends.
That's right.
Some schools are attempting to ban the entire concept of children having best friends.
This, to me, seems like a Herculean task. The notion of choosing best friends is deeply embedded in our culture. Nonetheless, there is, in my opinion, merit to the movement to ban having best friends.
Certainly in life we all benefit from having close friends and confidantes – those who really get us. On the other hand, there is something dreadfully exclusionary occurring when a middle schooler tells the girl sitting next to her that she is best friends with the girl sitting in front of them. Of course, this scenario plays out in a variety of ways, but child after child comes to my therapy office distressed when their best friend has now given someone else this coveted title.
[Read: The Promise and Perils of Friendship Threesomes.]
Many of you will suggest that our
kids should toughen up and will become hardier if they learn to deal with the natural shifts in friendships that are inevitable. Perhaps, there is some truth to that. However, I am concerned about the bigger picture, which includes the pain associated with exclusion and the gentle comfort associated with inclusion.
So, what do I, as a psychologist, think of this trend where schools are banning best friends? I have thought about it long and hard, and I say bring it on. Let me tell you what brought me to this controversial conclusion.
I am a huge fan of social inclusion. The phrase best friend is inherently exclusionary. Among children and even
teens, best friends shift rapidly. These shifts lead to
emotional distress and would be significantly less likely if our kids spoke of close or even good friends rather than best friends. And, if kids have best friends, does that also imply that they have "worst friends?" A focus on having best friends certainly indicates there's an unspoken ranking system; and where there is a ranking system, there are problems. I see kids who are never labeled best friends, and sadly, they sit
alone at lunch tables and often in their homes while others are with their best friends.
[Read: How to Help Your Teen Cope With the Death of a Friend.]
My hope is that if we encourage our kids to broaden their social circles, they will be more inclusive and less judgmental. The word "best" encourages judgment and promotes exclusion.
I am not, however, an advocate of encouraging kids to have huge groups of friends. What I would like to see instead is children having a smaller group of close friends. In fact, there is
research suggesting that adolescents who have a small group of close friends fare better emotionally than those who are part of a larger social circle. Perhaps those who are part of a large group lack closeness and are socializing primarily with acquaintances.
So, what is a parent to do with these attempts to turn best friend culture upside down? First, you should certainly not forbid your child from having contact with her best friend. Nor should you march into
your child's school and tell the administration that they will not and should not attempt to bring this new trend into the school.
[See: What to Do When Your Daughter Gets Rejected by a Friend.]
Instead, take a moment and breathe. Then consider making a bit of a shift to your vocabulary and talk to your children about the importance of having close friends. Put less emphasis on popularity and having best friends. In life, there is much to be gained from having a few close friends. Everyone brings something different to the table. Our lives are richer if we are closer with a few others rather than putting all of our eggs in one basket, right? This is true for children and adults. Think of all the wonderful opportunities you may have missed if you socialized exclusively with only one friend. Now think about your kids and help them broaden their perspective.
