The addiction/depression thread.

[IloveTHIS]

Hey guys. OCD/anxiety/depression has been in overdrive lately. The person I loved most in the world and kept me grounded ended up stabbing me in the back. Temptation to relapse into opiates and benzos is at an all time high. I cant because I will end up dead, and next time someone wont be there to call 911 and revive me. I cant put my family through that, but fuck.....the amount of temptation I have makes me feel like an awful person.

 

[IloveTHIS]

what did she do?

left me out of nowhere with no warning. made me think we were ok only to suddenly decide she didnt want to work everything out and save our relationship

 

[Aegon Spengler]

Weird stuff this is.

I would like to just give up and call it a life right now. But last night I went to a comedy club and performed for the first time in over a year, maybe two years, hard to say. Did well, it went OK, people seemed to enjoy the routine, and I was just very happy this morning. Very happy. Felt good. Like things might turn around. Forgot how addictive standup could be.

Then by this evening it's like, doom and gloom again. Wishing nobody in my life would miss me if I was gone so I could just bail. I really just don't like life anymore. I think I wish I'd died as like a teenager. I would have missed a lot of embarrassing years.

But then maybe I won't feel this way tomorrow.

It's kind of a creeping thing. It's like I used to feel this way, when I was in my early 20s, maybe an hour in a day. But now it's most of the day. Get a few hours of peace. That is it.

The pills don't seem to work very well anymore.

 

[EL CORINTHIAN]

I mentioned this to someone else but perhaps it's better left here. Anyways long story short my family is riddled with mental health issues but mainly depression and we all seem to lose the fight to being overly introspective and I've taken it upon myself to do all the right things to combat it.

Either way, and I'm not trolling here but try taking undutched (non-alkalized) cocao powder. 20-40 grams per day. It has been the single most potent ingredient in helping my issues.its hard to establish whether my issues stem from hereditary contributions or whether it is indeed objectively difficult circumstances that I'm subjected to. I'm a care giver to two old people and it's hard to watch my life essentially slip by while every one has social autonomy/mobility so I don't rule that out.

Either way cocao powder has some serious chemicals that work synergistically to effect our neuro chemistry. Something about the theobromine, caffeine and cocoamine that lifts us up but it's no joke. This has been my anti-depressant for the past couple of times and it has given me some serious tunnel vision when I needed it. Hope some one puts this to good use.

And I was borderline suicidal for a while there.....this brought me back to life and with optomism on a few seperate occasions.

 

[IloveTHIS]

thats how they be


ever tried getting into the gym.

thus us completely anecdotal. whenever I get on a cycle of testosterone it makes me feel amazing, no depression or anxiety

I would blast off in a heartbeat if I had a supply. I might be able to track some down if I do decide to dabble. its a strong possibility this year. I dont enjoy lifting much any more due to injuries, but I do want to get into marathon running. gear would definite help speed up that process... more I think about the more it sounds like a good idea.

I've also made a decision. I'm pretty broke as far as my banking account, BUT I have 80k in investments I could liquidate. If the depression sticks around or gets too bad, I'm going to cash out and just go retarded. Quit work for a year or two, buy another stupid fast car+ sportbike, travel, and just go crazy. Fully dedicate myself to BJJ. All kinds of shit

it would kind of be shooting myself in the foot, Ill be less financial secure in the future. But that could be a life changing 2-3 years, and it would be best to do it while I'm young.

 

[Nesruk]

Hey guys. OCD/anxiety/depression has been in overdrive lately. The person I loved most in the world and kept me grounded ended up stabbing me in the back. Temptation to relapse into opiates and benzos is at an all time high. I cant because I will end up dead, and next time someone wont be there to call 911 and revive me. I cant put my family through that, but fuck.....the amount of temptation I have makes me feel like an awful person.

Its completely reasonable to feel tempted like that if you feel terrible, so you shouldn't feel bad for feeling bad. A big thing that has helped me with my depression is not kicking myself when I am down. Always try to treat yourself as your best friend.

Weird stuff this is.

I would like to just give up and call it a life right now. But last night I went to a comedy club and performed for the first time in over a year, maybe two years, hard to say. Did well, it went OK, people seemed to enjoy the routine, and I was just very happy this morning. Very happy. Felt good. Like things might turn around. Forgot how addictive standup could be.

Then by this evening it's like, doom and gloom again. Wishing nobody in my life would miss me if I was gone so I could just bail. I really just don't like life anymore. I think I wish I'd died as like a teenager. I would have missed a lot of embarrassing years.

But then maybe I won't feel this way tomorrow.

It's kind of a creeping thing. It's like I used to feel this way, when I was in my early 20s, maybe an hour in a day. But now it's most of the day. Get a few hours of peace. That is it.

The pills don't seem to work very well anymore.

Do you keep yourself busy? Having a goal helps a lot on making you feel like your day has meaning (at least for me) which doing the standup probably did for you. Maybe try setting aside an hour or 30 mins a day on working on your act and getting more spots.

thats how they be


ever tried getting into the gym.

thus us completely anecdotal. whenever I get on a cycle of testosterone it makes me feel amazing, no depression or anxiety

Low testosterone is proven to cause depression, its why many bodybuilders and powerlifters who go off high testosterone steroid cycles end up extremely depressed and kill themselves.

I would blast off in a heartbeat if I had a supply. I might be able to track some down if I do decide to dabble. its a strong possibility this year. I dont enjoy lifting much any more due to injuries, but I do want to get into marathon running. gear would definite help speed up that process... more I think about the more it sounds like a good idea.

I've also made a decision. I'm pretty broke as far as my banking account, BUT I have 80k in investments I could liquidate. If the depression sticks around or gets too bad, I'm going to cash out and just go retarded. Quit work for a year or two, buy another stupid fast car+ sportbike, travel, and just go crazy. Fully dedicate myself to BJJ. All kinds of shit

it would kind of be shooting myself in the foot, Ill be less financial secure in the future. But that could be a life changing 2-3 years, and it would be best to do it while I'm young.

Physical exercise has helped me a lot with my depression, not just because it releases dopamine which is great but it helps me have more structure on a day to day basis.

Just dont become an adrenaline junky, it can make you even more depressed. Getting those highs will make very few things feel as awesome, making things seem even more bleak.

I think getting out there, experiencing new things can be good though.

 

[Unknown Pleasures]

@Aegon Spengler
@GordoBarraBJJ

Hope you guys are feeling better; and regardless, you should see a healthcare practitioner -- they can probably provide you with the right medication to get/improve your sleep... There are things to help. I saw that Jordan Peterson was using anti-depressants for at least a decade. Take good care of yourselves.

 

[Aegon Spengler]

@Aegon Spengler
@GordoBarraBJJ

Hope you guys are feeling better; and regardless, you should see a healthcare practitioner -- they can probably provide you with the right medication to get/improve your sleep... There are things to help. I saw that Jordan Peterson was using anti-depressants for at least a decade. Take good care of yourselves.

I see a shrink every week and have had time as an in-patient. Doesn't do much. I do take pills as prescribed but it doesn't do too much

 

[IloveTHIS]

Its completely reasonable to feel tempted like that if you feel terrible, so you shouldn't feel bad for feeling bad. A big thing that has helped me with my depression is not kicking myself when I am down. Always try to treat yourself as your best friend.



Do you keep yourself busy? Having a goal helps a lot on making you feel like your day has meaning (at least for me) which doing the standup probably did for you. Maybe try setting aside an hour or 30 mins a day on working on your act and getting more spots.


Low testosterone is proven to cause depression, its why many bodybuilders and powerlifters who go off high testosterone steroid cycles end up extremely depressed and kill themselves.


Physical exercise has helped me a lot with my depression, not just because it releases dopamine which is great but it helps me have more structure on a day to day basis.

Just dont become an adrenaline junky, it can make you even more depressed. Getting those highs will make very few things feel as awesome, making things seem even more bleak.

I think getting out there, experiencing new things can be good though.

It's interesting you mention becoming an adrenaline junky. I've always been one and am actually planning on getting another sportbike even though it ended horribly last time

 

[Unknown Pleasures]

I see a shrink every week and have had time as an in-patient. Doesn't do much. I do take pills as prescribed but it doesn't do too much

What does your doctor advise?

 

[Aegon Spengler]

What does your doctor advise?

Small goals

 

[Nesruk]

Small goals

I agree with him. Setting small goals and going through with them has helped me immensely. Personally I write some small goals on my glass panel/board thingi and then cross them out when I finish them, makes the accomplishment more visual.

 

[IloveTHIS]

I agree with him. Setting small goals and going through with them has helped me immensely. Personally I write some small goals on my glass panel/board thingi and then cross them out when I finish them, makes the accomplishment more visual.

I keep a daily log. Everything I do each day that I consider productive or positive I write down. It works great to keep motivation. If I have a day where I have nothing to write down, it makes me feel like a piece of absolute shit

 

[Nesruk]

I keep a daily log. Everything I do each day that I consider productive or positive I write down. It works great to keep motivation. If I have a day where I have nothing to write down, it makes me feel like a piece of absolute shit

I know what you mean, I used to do that but I've gotten way better at (and focusing on) not beating myself down. So instead of being upset that I didn't do it, I rather think that tomorrow is a new possibility to do something good.

Something I read in a book called "Mans search for meaning" by Victor Frankl (great book btw. The author was a jewish psychologist that was a prisoner in concentration camps in WW2 for 3 years and survived) that made a big impact on me was:

"Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation. You cannot control what happens to you in life, but you can always control what you will feel and do about what happens to you."

Doing lots of reading on depression, on different point of views on what helps it and what makes it worse has changed my way of thinking and me as a person. Almost like Bruce Lee took small things from different martial arts and mixed them all together, I have done with different viewpoints and theories. Some things I feel hit home, some things I don't feel are relevant to me and I discard them.

Fixing something you don't understand is way harder, if not impossible, than trying to fix something that you know how works.

 

[Aegon Spengler]

I agree with him. Setting small goals and going through with them has helped me immensely. Personally I write some small goals on my glass panel/board thingi and then cross them out when I finish them, makes the accomplishment more visual.

Can’t help but compare myself to people who don’t have to make these little goals

Feels hopeless and hopelessly behind

 

[IloveTHIS]

Can’t help but compare myself to people who don’t have to make these little goals

Feels hopeless and hopelessly behind

I put shit as little as "cleaned room" and "got groceries" on my list haha. Yea most people don't have to do shit like this, but those seemingly normal people have their own flaws too

I'm about to start experimenting with different nootropics and diets to see if I can't "cure" or at least diminish my mental issues. I know if won't be as simple as taking a pill, but anything that helps would be a godsend. It's a very slippery slope though, because I get hooked on chemicals rapdily. My willpower with drugs has been eroded away to next to nothing.


Life is funny. Ask any of my friends and they'd tell you I'm the last person they would expect to suffer from any of these issues. At the risk of sounding like a douche, I've always been the good looking spoiled class clown, at least on the outside. On the inside I'm screaming and crying.

 

[Aegon Spengler]

I put shit as little as "cleaned room" and "got groceries" on my list haha. Yea most people don't have to do shit like this, but those seemingly normal people have their own flaws too

I'm about to start experimenting with different nootropics and diets to see if I can't "cure" or at least diminish my mental issues. I know if won't be as simple as taking a pill, but anything that helps would be a godsend. It's a very slippery slope though, because I get hooked on chemicals rapdily. My willpower with drugs has been eroded away to next to nothing.


Life is funny. Ask any of my friends and they'd tell you I'm the last person they would expect to suffer from any of these issues. At the risk of sounding like a douche, I've always been the good looking spoiled class clown, at least on the outside. On the inside I'm screaming and crying.

I put those kind of things on my list too.

People are also surprised with me. They think I’m too gregarious and patient to be someone suffering from depression. But mental illness is not a “personality type.” You can be an asshole, nice, or anything else.

I have some OK willpower with drugs. I take my proscribed pills and have a drink on occasion. Things used to be worse with that stuff. They aren’t now.

Small goals and all

 

[Nesruk]

I put shit as little as "cleaned room" and "got groceries" on my list haha. Yea most people don't have to do shit like this, but those seemingly normal people have their own flaws too

I'm about to start experimenting with different nootropics and diets to see if I can't "cure" or at least diminish my mental issues. I know if won't be as simple as taking a pill, but anything that helps would be a godsend. It's a very slippery slope though, because I get hooked on chemicals rapdily. My willpower with drugs has been eroded away to next to nothing.


Life is funny. Ask any of my friends and they'd tell you I'm the last person they would expect to suffer from any of these issues. At the risk of sounding like a douche, I've always been the good looking spoiled class clown, at least on the outside. On the inside I'm screaming and crying.

Thats the same type of things I put on my list too And like you say, everyone got their issues.

When it comes to supplements and stuff I take vitamin B and D, magnesium, zinc and l-tryptophan. The l-tryptophan converts into serotonin and melatonin which can help if you have sleep issues or low serotonin. Do NOT take it if you are on SSRI's though and dont start with a high dose. You can get serotonin syndrome, which I did, which makes you way worse and can be lethal if it goes on too long.

 

[GordoBarraBJJ]

Keep your head up bro....

I'm trying man.

Just a quick check in.

I'm doing better now. Taking it day by day. Got through yesterday and actually felt good for a few hours in the afternoon.

Staying with my parents for at least a few days - wednesday or thursday - as I'm having a hard time being alone right now.

All I can say is that even the people you think you have good relationship with, invested feelings and friendship can turn on you and throw that in your face.

Won't get in to details but I broke down saturday afternoon. I was feeling down because of the events of Thursday and Friday but managing. I went to the bank to do some business and then stopped to eat. On my way back home I just broke down crying and could not stop.

I got home and tried to calm down but could not and my mind was racing and this intense loneliness hit me and my mind just keep telling me that the only way to end that despair.

I was able to snap out of that mindset for long enough to call my mom and then she contacted my sister who happened to be in the city and she came and got me.

Gotta go see my doctor again and get in to some CBT.

When you're down you really know who is there for you - I'm thankful for all the people in my life that showed me that there is goodness in the world.

Peace out for a bit sherdog and mayberry.

 

[Nesruk]

I'm trying man.

Just a quick check in.

I'm doing better now. Taking it day by day. Got through yesterday and actually felt good for a few hours in the afternoon.

Staying with my parents for at least a few days - wednesday or thursday - as I'm having a hard time being alone right now.

All I can say is that even the people you think you have good relationship with, invested feelings and friendship can turn on you and throw that in your face.

Won't get in to details but I broke down saturday afternoon. I was feeling down because of the events of Thursday and Friday but managing. I went to the bank to do some business and then stopped to eat. On my way back home I just broke down crying and could not stop.

I got home and tried to calm down but could not and my mind was racing and this intense loneliness hit me and my mind just keep telling me that the only way to end that despair.

I was able to snap out of that mindset for long enough to call my mom and then she contacted my sister who happened to be in the city and she came and got me.

Gotta go see my doctor again and get in to some CBT.

When you're down you really know who is there for you - I'm thankful for all the people in my life that showed me that there is goodness in the world.

Peace out for a bit sherdog and mayberry.

We are here for you brother, hope you feel better and get help.