Movies JURASSIC WORLD: FALLEN KINGDOM (Dragonlord's Review)

[MicroBrew]

Saw it a few days ago, cause the nephew/nieces pestered me into taking them.

It was soo dam predictable.

1st predictable scene:
Opening scene with the mini-sub. The White dude is nervous and the Black dude says don't worry , made it obvious they were going to meet and untimely end very soon.
The mini-sub takes the bone sample but does not store it in a compartment within the sub, which would be the usual method for retrieval of material by these vehicles. I was thinking to myself why the heck would they attack the sample to a flotation buoy and send to the surface instead of just returning with it. Even before the monster swallowed them I figured the writers needed to have the sample retrieved independent of the sub to allow for the monster to swallow the sub. It is just lazy and predictable plot writing.

The mercenary head honcho who gets into the cage with the Indoraptor.
More lazy and almost criminal level of scripting. Who didn't think he was going to be eaten by the creature while inside. So this guy has seen how dangerous these creatures and yet he gets into the cage alone with one and closes the door behind him.

The dinosaurs against a moonlight background screeching or in stances mimicking the original Jurassic Park and screeching, is soo contrived and obviously put there to appeal to the audience. I don't like ti when a movie has scenes that behave as if an audience is watching the scene happening.

-
This movie was a big ole MEH !

 

[NorwegianWood]

LOL. What the fuck did you guys expect? A heartwarming tale of courage in the face of real danger?
A deeply moving and memorable epic? Even my tween kids in the car had more realistic expectations than the TS. "Okay, it's gonna be ridiculous, but I'm okay with that. I just like Chris Pratt!"

The title should've tipped you off what you were getting yourself into: JURASSIC WORLD, FALLEN KINGDOM.

Of course it's ridiculous. If you went to the movies hoping for this movie to blow you away, you're dumber than a sherdogger. Geez. This movie delivered exactly what I expected it to.

 

[Clippy]

CLIPPY'S FULL SPOILERIFIC REVIEW!!!

I watched Deadpool and thought it was great but I'm getting lazy and having a hard time to sit down and write these. It's supper and I like to fall asleep in the sun in my back yard.

So the wife is a HUGE Jurassic Park fan, and I got to admit, I LOVED the first two movies. Third one was super trash (worst one yet), Reboot with Chris Pratt was decent. This movie was not so good, second worst one.

It starts off with the news, and everyone and their dog mostly against letting the dinosaurs. Only that dumb bitch lead actress is all sympathetic and wants to save the dinosaurs with a handful of Hippies. Even Jeff Goldblum is against saving dinosaurs and I found myself on everyone's side except the lead actress. (I couldn't tell you what the name of the main characters are if you put a gun to my head) so when I disagree with the lead of the movie it's not a good start.

Jeff Goldblum's appearance wasn't much more than what's in the trailers, very disappointing. Love Jeff Goldbloom I hope he spent his paycheck on something nice, asshole. What a pointless appearance. I wanted him to be mixed into the action.

But let the dinosaurs die!! Please!!! God is actually throwing us a bone here and giving us a bail out in the form of a VOLCANO!!!

Lol at volcano, when I first saw this trailer I pictured the writers meeting:

Writer 1: "We need to write another dinosaur movie!!! ... but we done everything with dinosaurs to death ... what can we do in this movie?"

Some retard in the back of the room: "LET'S THROW A VOLCANO IN THE MIX!!!"

It's like a Jurassic Park movie meets

Anyway what am I talkin about. Oh yeah so she goes to meet Chris Pratt and is like "Help me save the dinosaurs and I'll get in your pants" and the dude is just trying to relax and build a fucking house. Let the man build a house, he already went through a traumatizing dinosaur experience, the man paid his dues! And honestly I would much rather watch him build a house. I like home improvement shows.

So she gets him drunk and he wakes up on her plane and is just on the mission. We meet two annoying teens - angsty girl teen and wussy boy teen. And they suck and I hate them and so do you.

something something, army guy stuff happens

So then Chris Pratt got tranquilized and wakes up to lava coming towards him but he's too paralyzed to move. The next part me and my wife both laughed at hard and I realized we were in a comedy. Chris Pratt did funny movements and slowly tried to get away from the lava flailing his dead limbs .. it was so cringe filled and awful and hilarious.

Then the most non stop tension scene in movies ever happens to the point where I felt nothing and didn't care. It was like a 5 -10 minute action scene where the suspension of disbelief was pushed so hard I was annoyed and bored. 20-30 will they make it moments per fucking moment. Dodging lava, lava meteors, dinosaurs etc etc. Then they get back in the fucking hamster ball and how does that still work!?!? And they all go in the water and stick a will they drown scene into it. Chris Pratt appears from the debris like a fuckin super hero to save them. And it just kept going. I look over at my wife who's actually on the edge of her sat most of the time and it made me feel bad that I'm too much of an asshole to enjoy movies. Right to them jumping into a truck to get to the boat and the kid is running while she drives the truck and it's another "Will he make it" moment. Will he make it on the truck!?!?!? Fuck sakes it's like forcing every single moment to be suspenseful. Bitch just had to slow down, let him on and then FLOOR it to the boat!!! Of course she barely makes it on the boat, dramatic truck jump scene. She's on the ramp of the boat, it's finally over ... oh wait no it's not cause she can't get it up the ramp. One last tension scene shoved in there, tension moment #412 fuck you

And then they look back and a dinosaur cries cause he can't make it off the island and dies. I guess that was suppose to be a sad scene. I felt nothing. Good, the dinosaur should fucking die. Look over and wifey is crying her eyes out

This was probably the first half of the movie, mostly garbage, nothing new to offer so they stuck a volcano in it. Most limited cinematic universe ever.

I actually got a lot more enjoyment out of the second half. The whole trapped in Charles Xavier's mansion scene. The collection of crime lords coming over to bid on dinosaurs. That short guy from Captain America The First Winter Solder was Great. Loved the reveal that the little girl was cloned. Even loved Indo Rapter despite the stupid name. It was mostly good. That little girl should have got slapped when she released the dinosaurs but I liked it the the dinosaur loving lead actress decided that dinosaurs should really be dead. Dumb bitch took her long enough.

The end with the dinosaurs appearing all over the world reminded me of rise of the planet of the apes, and showing slowly how things we create can take over. I like where it's going if they do it right and it makes me really excited for the next movie if they pull it off right.

This feels like two different movies that were both too weak to carry themselves into one feature film

1st half: Volcanoes and Dinosaurs: 3/10
2nd half Crime Lords and Dinosaurs: 7/10

Overall I would probably give it a 5/10

 

[Clippy]

@MMA since 1993 scroll up to see my thoughts on the moooovie

Jurassic World: Falling Dinosaurs

 

[MMA since 1993]

@MMA since 1993 scroll up to see my thoughts on the moooovie

Jurassic World: Falling Dinosaurs

That was a fucking fantastic review. LMFAO!

I also hated that they copied the rundown with the tranquilizer scene. They copied their own movies with the "objects are closet than they appear" mirror scene, and also copying the 1st jurassic park where the girl goes inside the metal cabinet during the kitchen raptor scene (in fallen kingdom they used a mini elevator door).

Not sure if they were paying an homage to the original, but it felt forced and they should have done something else.

And imo the indominus rex from the previous film felt much more dangerous than this pos indosaurus.

I gave it a 5/10.

 

[Clippy]

That was a fucking fantastic review. LMFAO!

I also hated that they copied the rundown with the tranquilizer scene. They copied their own movies with the "objects are closet than they appear" mirror scene, and also copying the 1st jurassic park where the girl goes inside the metal cabinet during the kitchen raptor scene (in fallen kingdom they used a mini elevator door).

Not sure if they were paying an homage to the original, but it felt forced and they should have done something else.

And imo the indominus rex from the previous film felt much more dangerous than this pos indosaurus.

I gave it a 5/10.

I actually had a whole bunch more thoughts that I forgot to mention but yeah - kind of a mess here

 

[SammyPops]

Update: June 10, 2018

Dragonlord’s Review of JURASSIC WORLD: FALLEN KINGDOM (No Spoilers)

Bottom Line: A stale retread of The Lost World and previous Jurassic films, Fallen Kingdom proves that the franchise might be heading for extinction.

Mercenaries go to an island with the intent of capturing a herd of dinosaurs and transporting them to the US. The heroes intervene and try to screw up the mercs’ plans. Three-fourths of the way, the action shifts to the US where dinosaurs break free and cause havoc. This is the raw premise of Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, which unfortunately feels like a retread to The Lost World: Jurassic World (1997).

Chris Pratt returns as dinosaur trainer Owen Grady, who goes back to the island to rescue his raptor friend, Blue. Pratt is charismatic enough to carry the film alone, unfortunately he is partnered up with Bryce Dallas Howard whose dull and uninteresting character brings nothing to the table and just takes up a lot of the screen time. Pratt works best when he is teamed up with a male authority figure where his brash and insolent personality would create some good friction and chemistry. Think Star-Lord meeting Tony Stark in Avengers: Infinity War. They should have gotten Sam Neil or Jeff Goldblum to be Pratt’s co-star.

What is a Jurassic film without the obtrusive addition of young supporting actors. These sidekicks are unmemorable and, if they’re not going to appear in future JW films, should have been eaten by dinos to create more tension and unpredictability. The new character Zia Rodriguez (Daniella Pineda) is feisty and shows more potential if she was Pratt’s co-lead than Bryce Dallas Howard. Too bad they had to un-glamorize her here since Daniella is easy on the eyes as well.

There’s just an aura of staleness and repetitiveness throughout Fallen Kingdom where some scenes are straight out copied from previous Jurassic films like the T-Rex inadvertently saves the heroes by killing a predator that was about to prey on them and then doing a victory roar/pose… despite the island being on fire from a volcanic eruption. Even the scenes with Blue and Owen teaming up to take out the threat seemed worn out.

It also doesn’t help that Fallen Kingdom lacks any significant highlight reel wow moments. Despite whatever shortcomings Jurassic World (2015) had, it delivered several memorable action scenes and images. Fallen Kingdom also introduced a game-changing genetic concept near the end but it felt shoehorned and just ultimately disregarded afterwards.

In Jurassic World, they initiated the laughable concept of trained raptors for military use. In Fallen Kingdom, they took it one step further and actualize it with a targeting method using a rifle with a laser sight and sonic tag. If you have a rifle with a laser sight pointing at the target, wouldn’t it be easier just to pull the trigger and kill the target with a bullet. Plus, the logistics alone for transporting a caged raptor would be a nightmare, especially for non-government agencies.

J.A. Bayona (The Orphanage, The Impossible) takes over directing duties but even his considerable talents can’t elevate the weak script. The filmmaker’s horror background did come into play with a silly and ridiculous finale involving an Indoraptor that seemed like it watched too many slasher horror flicks while in captivity.

Lastly, watch out for an incredibly dumb moment when a character discovers his employee is engaging in a highly dangerous and illegal criminal enterprise. So what does he do? This character tells the employee to call the police and confess to his crimes.

Rating: 5/10

"... heading for extinction" I think Dragonlordxxx is heading for dethrowning with lines liek that ..... *slow nod*

For some reason, most likely b/c of dinosaurs, I was excited for this movie. Was not happy. So tired of them making new dinosaurs.

I did like Blue being all awesome

 

[ens189]

My kids liked it but it was a dogshit movie.

 

[LeonardoBjj]

I still don’t understand what practical purpose dinosaurs would have for the military.

 

[Thrawn33]

Just saw it....

How many people are going to die thanks to that stupid little girl....

Blue about to massacre a suburb, maeseosaur eats a whole lot of surfers, you can't tell me T-Rex didn't mess some fools up getting into the zoo.

Stupid clone....

 

[bosox32]

The movie that killed the dinosaurs movies.

This film was horrible. I was ready to walk out. So many stupid moments that made no sense and everything was done for plot convenience.

 

[MadSquabbles500]

Saw it a few days ago, cause the nephew/nieces pestered me into taking them.

It was soo dam predictable.

1st predictable scene:
Opening scene with the mini-sub. The White dude is nervous and the Black dude says don't worry , made it obvious they were going to meet and untimely end very soon.
The mini-sub takes the bone sample but does not store it in a compartment within the sub, which would be the usual method for retrieval of material by these vehicles. I was thinking to myself why the heck would they attack the sample to a flotation buoy and send to the surface instead of just returning with it. Even before the monster swallowed them I figured the writers needed to have the sample retrieved independent of the sub to allow for the monster to swallow the sub. It is just lazy and predictable plot writing.

The mercenary head honcho who gets into the cage with the Indoraptor.
More lazy and almost criminal level of scripting. Who didn't think he was going to be eaten by the creature while inside. So this guy has seen how dangerous these creatures and yet he gets into the cage alone with one and closes the door behind him.

The dinosaurs against a moonlight background screeching or in stances mimicking the original Jurassic Park and screeching, is soo contrived and obviously put there to appeal to the audience. I don't like ti when a movie has scenes that behave as if an audience is watching the scene happening.

-
This movie was a big ole MEH !

Yeh but what about the dinos dying in the eruption, drowning, and that poor long neck standing on the dock, and the clouds forming around him as he goes down?

That hit me in the feels. I felt legitimately unnerved by that.

 

[LEWIS540]

Embarrassingly bad.

Worse than JP3.

 

[chrisdiaz]

I thought the 1st half of the movie was decent. The 2nd half turns into some weird horror movie spoof. Its sad the dinosaurs look better in JP than they do in this. The T rex scene in the container looked very fake and animatronics should have been used in that situation.

 

[ufcfan4]

It was really ludicrous.

Cromwell's granddaughter is kind of an ambivalent character because she doesn't even chart on the Spielberg-scale of obnoxious child characters (she wasn't over the top, annoyingly precocious, overly gregarious, etc) but she made that bonehead move at the end of the film that just seems so crazy.

What's the inevitable Jurassic World 3 going to be subtitled Jurassic World 3: This Time We're Really Bringing Them to a Preserve...

Maybe they'll go full on Planet of the Apes style and Blue is leading the dinosaurs against the encroaching humans lol...

Goldblum's cameo was legit. His delivery of the line "Change is like death. You don't know what it's like until you're standing at the gates," had me like, YEAH that's Malcolm. But he was only in a few minutes of the film.

The movie borrowed a lot from The Lost World. A lot. And it paled in comparison to The Lost World, which, will not a great film is just a more cinematic, satisfying experience.

There's certainly a degree of entertainment value. There were fun moments, Pratt is always worth watching, and Ted Levine as problematic as his character was, is always cool in my book. But it's just so over the top. BD Wong is now full on seething heel. Contrived main villain is contrived.

Cromwell's very existence spit in the face of the Jurassic Park lore. It reminded me of The Lost World where I was shaking my head when Attenborough out of nowhere is like to Goldblum, "Thank God for Site B." Site B? Who asked? And why was it never mentioned before but suddenly it's exposition city.

Well here we have Hammond's close partner who was conveniently never mentioned but it's retconned complete with a fabricated falling out.

It's also funny how the dinosaurs are played so sympathetically now. Blue is the biggest face dinosaur ever. All the others are innocent victims just trying to live their lives. Only heel is the indomoraptor because it's a crime against nature or something...

In Jurassic Park, outside of the t-rex making the awesome save at the last moment, the dinosaurs were clearly the menace and the humans were clearly the individuals you were rooting for...

 

[Arkain2K]

Yeh but what about the dinos dying in the eruption, drowning, and that poor long neck standing on the dock, and the clouds forming around him as he goes down?

That hit me in the feels. I felt legitimately unnerved by that.

Director confirmed that the last Brachiosaurus left on the dock is the same one that we first saw in Jurassic Park, RIP 1993-2018

 

[TheRuthlessOne]

The ending of this movie just kills me

Stupid little girl

 

[Loiosh]

Oy.

I only liked the original Jurassic Park and wasn't really interested in any of the others. I watched this one because I was bored and thought this would at least be a little entertaining, but it was so bad it was frustrating.

Too many insane details that made no sense.

 

[method115]

First half of this movie isn’t good thought about just stopping it. Second half is what I expected to begin with gave it a 5/10. Ending was really good though and opened up a new story line that if done well could be interesting.

So many things wrong with this movie.

- Benjamin dies and the machine never makes noise until the little girl touches him.

- why did they have to get blood the trex? She could have asked the mercs to do it.

- the comedic relief was horrible. Can’t remember the last movie I saw a movie with such poorly done comedic relief.

 

[method115]

The ending of this movie just kills me

Stupid little girl

I actually thought that was the only part that made sense. It’s done they aren’t keep this technology a secret forever. So kill the dinosaurs and what postpone the invitable for 10 years? 20? Might as well let them out and just get people adjusted to the new way of life.