HELP - Obnoxious or Unreasonable Requests or Favors by Friends and How to Say No

Discussion in 'Mayberry Lounge' started by Basil**, Jan 1, 2015.

  1. Basil**

    Basil** Banned Banned

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    UPDATE: I sent my friend a lengthy message saying his family can stay (including the dog, although its not the best weekend for us to host them (it's honestly not, we've got my wife's nieces birthday party that weekend and my wife was planning a girls weekend with some other friends) but I explained that strangers crashing with us is just outside our comfort zone, so his team mates are going to have to make alternate arrangements. He says he understands, so I think we're cool (I hope). We'll have to wait and see if any of them stay with us, or if they try to make alternate arrangements for all of them to stick together.

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    Sherdog, I need some advice.

    TL;DR - Lifelong best friend has asked if me and my wife can put up him, his wife, their 7 week old baby, their dog, and two of his buddies who we've never met before for a weekend. Haven't told my wife and I know she won't be happy/comfortable with this, and frankly, neither am I. How do I tell my friend no, and am I being reasonable?

    Alright, so for those wanting a bit more context or background, my best friend of over 20 years (we're both 30 now, and have been best friends since we were in the 4th grade) and I live in two cities in western Canada that are about three hours apart. My buddy and his wife are very "free spirited" if you will, at least compared to me and my wife. I'm a lawyer, my wife is an accountant. My friend is a physiotherapist and his wife is some kind of social worker (at least as best as I understand what she does). They lived in New Zealand for four years where he did is physiotherapy education before moving back to Canada at the end of 2011. Growing up I don't recall my friend being very different than me, but whether it's his wife (she's a vegan, part time yoga instructor, amateur social justice warrior, "naturalist" etc.) changing him over the past six years, or their time living in New Zealand, he's become more of a "hippy" than I ever expected.

    Anyway, my friend texted me tonight asking if he could come crash at me and my wife's house the last weekend of January, as he has a paintball tournament that weekend (he's into competitive, semi-pro paintball I guess, and he's on a team for that.) Anyway, he also wants to bring his wife, their 7 week old baby, their dog, and two guys on his team who I have never met with him. I haven't discussed this with my wife yet, but I know she won't be thrilled with this, and I'm not into this at all either.

    My wife and I are fairly private, introverted individuals. My friend and his wife are not. Their house is practically a hostel, as they've always got people coming and going at their home, and they've always lived with roommates, and still do. During my friend's undergrad, he practically had his own frat house as his dad bought him a house in the city where he was going to university, and he had 6 buddies living with him for his first 5 years of school before he moved to New Zealand for his second degree. I think that from my friend's perspective, the more the merrier.

    Maybe I'm not being a good friend, but I don't know how comfortable I am having a 7 week old baby staying with us for a weekend, as our house isn't really set up for that (currently anyway, my wife is 4 months pregnant so we're expecting our own child in early June, and are setting up our own nursery). But beyond that, I'm also not comfortable letting complete strangers stay at our house. As I said, my wife and I are fairly private, and from my perspective I bought this house 2.5 years ago as a home for our eventual family, not to run a damn bed and breakfast.

    Over the past two years we've had my friend and his wife stay with us several times, but I think this is a bit much. This past July my wife and I even let my buddy stay with us for two weeks while he studied for and wrote his physiotherapy licensing exams. While it was kind of fun to have my friend around during that time so we could hang out after I got home from work just like the old days, I recognize that was one hell of a favor on my wife's part to allow him to just live with us (think of the movie "You, Me and Dupree") for half a month. Nonetheless, I feel that this most recent favor he's asking of me is going a bit too far, and is completely unfair especially to my wife when she'll be 5 months pregnant having to put up with having our house full beyond capacity, with both our couches occupied by a couple of guys that neither she nor I have ever met.

    This guy's my best friend, and he was the best man at my wedding 3 years ago, but these favors are a bit much. I'm sure my wife and I could agree on his family staying with us for the weekend, but these two random dudes as well? No, we won't do it.

    So, Mayberry, answer me these questions:
    1. Is my friend being unreasonable?
    2. Am I being unreasonable?
    3. How should I tell my buddy to fuck off with this nonsense?


    EDIT TO OP AFTER READING FIRST 50 RESPONSES:

    A few of you have made the suggestion of making up some excuse as to why that weekend simply won't work. Normally I'd probably take that route, but I kind of feel like that's being disingenuous to my friend, but what's more, I think that if I'm not clear with him now about how we feel about this, this could come up again in the future.

    About a year and a half ago I had a somewhat similar situation when we had invited them up for a weekend, and at the last minute they asked if my buddy's wife's 17 year old half-brother could stay with us too. The problem I had with that was that this kid had just dropped out of high school and had just got out of juvy for stealing or some shit and he was on his way to the Yukon via hitch hiking. My wife and I were not at all cool with this as how do we know that this little prick wouldn't steal some of my wife's jewellery or something like that? Yet my friend seemed completely oblivious to our apprehension. Luckily the kid changed his own plans or something and ended up not needing to stay at our place that weekend.

    In any event I think honesty is the best policy here because I want to nip this problem in the bud so that my friend will understand that my wife and I have boundaries.
     
    Last edited: Jan 2, 2015
  2. sangreporsangre

    sangreporsangre Gold Belt

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    You're not being unreasonable at all. If it was dude and his wife, I would say you are. But a baby and some other paintball clowns? I'm usually pretty blunt and straightforward, but I don't know if that's the right way to play this....maybe tell him that your in-laws are staying with you that weekend or whatever. They're getting some major work done on their house or some shit.
     
  3. kuromusha

    kuromusha LONZO LOOMS 2019

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    If its only a weekend, I don't see how its unreasonable. It seems they'd do the same for you, right?

    Oh, fuck his 2 buddies though. Didn't see that during the first read through.
     
  4. Krav McGraw

    Krav McGraw Double Yellow Card Double Yellow Card

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    Your friend is way out of line for asking you that. You should have no qualms about telling him no.
     
  5. The Clamburglar

    The Clamburglar Burglin' is my game.

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    Don't worry about, bro. We'll find somewhere else to stay. Sorry I asked.
     
  6. S3VERE

    S3VERE Purple Belt

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    A friend in need is a pest.

    Tell em hell naw that's how.
     
  7. Minnja

    Minnja Touch-Butt white belt Platinum Member

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    1. You're friend is being unreasonable
    2. No you're not
    3. Just tell him you don't feel that you're house is suitable for all of that. dont blame it on the wife.

    Personally I would be OK with my buddy, his wife and baby. The dog would depend on if it's well-trained. The 2 extra friends is a bit much. If it's just for paintball why is the wife+Dog+baby going? A weekend isn't too long but would definitely affect your and your wife's weekend.

    Edit: sorry for grammar errors, on phone and noticed the fucked up versions of "your" I used lol
     
  8. KrazyKanadian

    KrazyKanadian Gold Belt

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    Just have them over for the weekend. It's really not a big deal. I would definitely let them stay, it would probably make for a fun weekend.

    But if you don't want to, just say exactly that.
     
  9. Lights Out 101

    Lights Out 101 Brown Belt

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    Just a weekend? I'd have no problems with that personally. 2 days isn't long at all and seems like a favor I could do if he's a close friend. Anything more than A weekend would be pushing it though.

    Just lay some boundaries and have your friend vouch for his buddies. If they cross any lines then kick them out. Simple as that.
     
  10. Nonsense

    Nonsense Silver Belt

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    Neither one of you is unreasonable.

    He asked. You say no. If you need a way to soften the "no", your wife's pregnancy is a perfect line. Say she is not feeling well, is on bed rest, or something that implies she is not up to it. Which is not really a lie.

    Kamloops and Van?
     
  11. trolololol

    trolololol Guest

    If it was just your friend, his wife and their baby I would personally have no problem saying yes. But having two strangers on top of that, no way. They can share a hotel.
     
  12. KrazyKanadian

    KrazyKanadian Gold Belt

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    I didn't realize there were so many introverts on this site. Should have figured though haha
     
  13. Minnja

    Minnja Touch-Butt white belt Platinum Member

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    I wouldn't be too worried about the 2 friends fucking the house up, but I would feel like it's on myself and wife to accommodate for them. Make them food and clean up after their stuff, things like that. Honestly if my house were big enough and I knew my wife would be totally ok with it I would probably say yes. Your situation sounds like your wife may not really be cool with it rhough
     
  14. God_Emperor_Of_Mankind

    God_Emperor_Of_Mankind Let's Palaver! Platinum Member

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    Damn i have a friend who is very good with computers. Everyone takes advantage of him.


    One guy called him over cause his speakers weren't working. He lives pretty far from his house and had to drive 20 miles plus to get there.

    Turned out the speakers weren't plugged in.


    I'm your case TS, I'm a bit sympathetic towards your friend because he would probably do it for you from your description of him.

    I only take issue when someone asks something of me that they might not do themselves.
     
  15. LatFlare

    LatFlare EADC

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    Just say no you don't want strangers and/or the dog in your house.

    btw how big is your house? that's a lot of people
     
  16. kuromusha

    kuromusha LONZO LOOMS 2019

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    If I lived by myself and had the space to accommodate his 2 friends, then I'd totally let them in. Having a wife, though, changes the whole thing. I just wouldn't want to hear the incessant bitching about accommodating the 2 extra people.
     
  17. Minnja

    Minnja Touch-Butt white belt Platinum Member

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    My dad calls me sometimes for the most vague technological questions. One time I had to walk him through adding an attachment to an email lol.
     
  18. Nonsense

    Nonsense Silver Belt

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    A whole weekend for a pregnant woman who works 9 to 5 during the week as a professional is actually a big sacrifice.
     
  19. KrazyKanadian

    KrazyKanadian Gold Belt

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    To be honest, I wouldn't want anything to do with a wife who can't handle me having a few people over. :)
     
  20. Basil**

    Basil** Banned Banned

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    This is how I feel about it. I'd be more than happy to have him and his family up for a visit with us. Alternatively, if he said, "Hey, I've got a tournament, can I come up and stay with you with my team mates?" I might say yes. I'd for sure say yes to him; his buddies too, I'm not so sure, it would depend on what my wife would say. What I can't figure out is why both groups need to come at the same time though.
     

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