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immaculate home life, I'm sure.
First date horror stories
- Thread starter lowsingle
- Start date
immaculate home life, I'm sure.
PabloZed
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I was in boarding school for a big part of it.
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Was a young, naive high schooler when this happened.
Girl from school that I had liked (creeped) on for a long time agreed to go on a dinner date with me. Had never been to her house or even hung out with her outside of school. The evening came and I drove to the address she gave me, rang the door bell, and was greeted with a loud bellow when it opened,:
"Want to thsee my THHHSCOOTER!!?!?!?!?"
More shocked than anything, I agreed to see the 'thscooter'. Into the garage we go and I spend the next few minutes getting a review of a Vespa and spit all over my face from this persons face-to-face lisp talk. I know I'm at the wrong address and dip quickly. Thscooter guy obviously had medical issues but was kind as could be.
Call the girl from the street and explain to her that I must be at the wrong place, and that some "retard" just wasted a couple minutes of my life showing me his ghey thscooter. Being young and naive, I believed that my story would earn some sympathy points and be something I could use to easily strike conversation on the date...
...She proceeded to tell me it was her (much) older, mentally challenged brother. Fawk.
Date never happened, I looked like an asshole and deservedly so. One of the worst experiences of my life. Learned the hard way that putting others down is never a good way to make yourself look better.
Girl from school that I had liked (creeped) on for a long time agreed to go on a dinner date with me. Had never been to her house or even hung out with her outside of school. The evening came and I drove to the address she gave me, rang the door bell, and was greeted with a loud bellow when it opened,:
"Want to thsee my THHHSCOOTER!!?!?!?!?"
More shocked than anything, I agreed to see the 'thscooter'. Into the garage we go and I spend the next few minutes getting a review of a Vespa and spit all over my face from this persons face-to-face lisp talk. I know I'm at the wrong address and dip quickly. Thscooter guy obviously had medical issues but was kind as could be.
Call the girl from the street and explain to her that I must be at the wrong place, and that some "retard" just wasted a couple minutes of my life showing me his ghey thscooter. Being young and naive, I believed that my story would earn some sympathy points and be something I could use to easily strike conversation on the date...
...She proceeded to tell me it was her (much) older, mentally challenged brother. Fawk.
Date never happened, I looked like an asshole and deservedly so. One of the worst experiences of my life. Learned the hard way that putting others down is never a good way to make yourself look better.
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Just saw this. You know, I don't recall. I was an intern at the time and just used my phone POF app. While I'm now married it was a rough time in my life.
Up to that point I had been with a girl for 7 years(HS sweetheart) and a chick I met at the law enforcement academy for 2 years. So my sex life consisted of 2 women up to that point. I was pretty self conscious about my skills with women, or even how I looked. When you're 25-26 and been with two women your whole life you have nothing to really gauge whether you're attractive enough to even pick up women in a bar, let alone dive back into a serious relationship.
My 2 year girlfriend cheated on me while I was away for work, so I returned the favor, broke up with her, and then spent 5-7 months binge drinking and screwing my way through countless women. I started off only going after girls I thought were in my league(AKA my story), then slowly realized I was better off than I thought. So the first 2 months of my bender I remember a lot of fatties, and a lot of alcohol.
All of the stories from this time period have only ever been repeated to my guy friends and on here. It's funny in hindsight and makes for funny stories, but not particularly something I'm proud of. Eventually met my now wife, and renewed my faith in humanity and love and all that shit.
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I had a date about a decade ago that went oddly. I got this girl's number at a show I played and we chatted online a bit. Decided to go out, because she was really cute and it seemed like we had a lot in common. The day of our date, I'm fiending for some buffalo wings, so me and my roomie had some hot wings for lunch. Later, I picked up my date and headed to a party in the woods. The date was going really well, and we started drinking when we got to the party. We're hitting it off, when some chick walks in and catches my eye. She was like 6'0 tall and was all emo with her faux hawk. She was gorgeous.
I'm chatting with my date and the guy who is hosting the party, and she sits down next to him. Apparently they're good friends so she jumps right into the conversation. It was like a whirlwind... we had everything in common and the chemistry was perfect. We're flirting back and forth and the people around us didn't matter at all. It was amazing. Until the stomach cramps kicked in. The hot wings started moving in my stomach and I had been drinking a lot, so I knew I had to take care of this situation. I excuse myself to the emo chick, totally ignoring my date. I go to the bathroom, shut the door, and unbuckle my belt... when all of a sudden the emo chick busts in the bathroom, slams the door shut, and just grabs me. We start making out, hands are flying, her pants hit the floor, my pants hit the floor, she grabs my junk, and all of a sudden, I remembered why I was in the bathroom in the first place.
I was a little drunk and my 18 year old self panicked. My pants were at my ankles, and I understood the inevitability of the situation. I told her to hold on, then proceeded to sit down on the toilet and take one of the biggest shits of my life. I remember the shear look of horror in her eyes as this seemingly endless destruction poured forth from my b-hole. Our eyes stayed locked, as if we were sharing some sort of tragically significant moment together. When I finally finished, I just kind of half-smiled at her... exhausted and spent. She told me she had to go, and rushed to get herself composed, dressed, and out the door. She just left. I stood up, and before I could buckle my belt, my date came in and just mauled me. We banged right there, with the unflushed toilet and the smell of a thousand rotting carcasses wafting in the air.
I never saw the tall emo girl again. And nobody had ever heard from her since... but I learned a valuable lesson about bathroom door locks, that day.
I'm chatting with my date and the guy who is hosting the party, and she sits down next to him. Apparently they're good friends so she jumps right into the conversation. It was like a whirlwind... we had everything in common and the chemistry was perfect. We're flirting back and forth and the people around us didn't matter at all. It was amazing. Until the stomach cramps kicked in. The hot wings started moving in my stomach and I had been drinking a lot, so I knew I had to take care of this situation. I excuse myself to the emo chick, totally ignoring my date. I go to the bathroom, shut the door, and unbuckle my belt... when all of a sudden the emo chick busts in the bathroom, slams the door shut, and just grabs me. We start making out, hands are flying, her pants hit the floor, my pants hit the floor, she grabs my junk, and all of a sudden, I remembered why I was in the bathroom in the first place.
I was a little drunk and my 18 year old self panicked. My pants were at my ankles, and I understood the inevitability of the situation. I told her to hold on, then proceeded to sit down on the toilet and take one of the biggest shits of my life. I remember the shear look of horror in her eyes as this seemingly endless destruction poured forth from my b-hole. Our eyes stayed locked, as if we were sharing some sort of tragically significant moment together. When I finally finished, I just kind of half-smiled at her... exhausted and spent. She told me she had to go, and rushed to get herself composed, dressed, and out the door. She just left. I stood up, and before I could buckle my belt, my date came in and just mauled me. We banged right there, with the unflushed toilet and the smell of a thousand rotting carcasses wafting in the air.
I never saw the tall emo girl again. And nobody had ever heard from her since... but I learned a valuable lesson about bathroom door locks, that day.
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Bump. Sad to say I don't have any stories to add, but this has been far and away the best thread I've seen on Sherdog to date.
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i'm not one for toilet humor, but if some big shot hollywood writer frequents these boards, this scenario above needs to be in a movie!
Panky Rang
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lmao hilarious
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legit lol'ed :icon_chee
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hilarious.
If I know one thing, its that at a party, nobody gives one fuck about a closed door. you always lock a door when you deuce.
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I've just spent 4hours or so reading this thread from start to finish, absolute comedy gold. Incredible. Some dudes have been OWNING this shit (Bukowski comes to mind, but several other posters as well have shared some hilarious stories!)
I don't have many if any, i'll give one but it doesn't remotely touch anything in this thread!
Not a date story, just a weird one-night-stand story
I was about 22, I'd just been dumped by my 11/10 stunning girlfriend of 2yrs (was punching well above my weight) and was out in the city with my best mate, also my wingman. Pick up a chick, Im absolutely SMASHED by this point - she wasn't fit, she had an awesome body but her face looked like a cartoon witch.
I had no filters on so I thought it was fair game. So, we go back to hers and fuck all night, I pass out. She's working at 9am in the city centre, so I tell her she NEEDS to get me up and out with her coz I have to get home by the afternoon at the latest.
I wake up naturally. It's 12pm and i'm alone in the bed. I realise she has left, has left me in fucks knows where (I vaguely remembered a long taxi journey), and I need to leave. I then hear noises downstairs that suggest she lives with her family. I can hear mum and dad chatting away etc, it sounds like a normal family home...and I realise I don't know her name.
There's a CD or something on the desk with 'Jen' written on it, so I assume that's her name. I was so shitfaced, I couldn't remember either way. Anyway, I get changed and sneak out.
I get to the back door and I can side-lined by her angry mother, who's fuming that there's a strange guy in the house - I counter her shouting with 'I know your daughter, I work with her, I crashed herere coz I was hammered etc'....she says, 'which daughter, I have two'
I blurt out Jen and luckily, it seems to be the right one. She gets distracted by her husband coming into the room, but turns to me and says 'wait there - Im not done with you'.....I'm thinking, fuck this bullshit, I'm not getting shouted down by an angry mother, I'm outta here.
So I rush out the door and leg it down the drive towards the back gate (about 5ft tall, wooden). In about 2seconds, I hear barking and I'm confronted by two chow-chows. BIG fucking chow-chows. Tearing after me down the drive. Now, chows aren't exactly the most intimidating of dogs, they're hardly pitbulls are they? But they're bulky fuckers, and they were pissed off. I tear down the path, try leaping the gate and completely fail - I end up with one leg over either side of the gate, while the chows are tearing on the left leg of my jeans, ripping my pants down. I get semi-dragged back into the garden, manage to get out and run hard.
I go to a cashpoint (ATM for the Americans), and my card isn't working. I flag down a taxi and the LEGEND takes me to the city centre free of charge (turns out I was 20miles outside of the city) coz he sees my terrified demeanour, my torn jeans, and enjoyed my story. Luckily, I managed to call a friend and get a ride home when I got to the city. Nowhere near as bad as some of these amazing stories, but still a funny night.
I don't have many if any, i'll give one but it doesn't remotely touch anything in this thread!
Not a date story, just a weird one-night-stand story
I was about 22, I'd just been dumped by my 11/10 stunning girlfriend of 2yrs (was punching well above my weight) and was out in the city with my best mate, also my wingman. Pick up a chick, Im absolutely SMASHED by this point - she wasn't fit, she had an awesome body but her face looked like a cartoon witch.
I had no filters on so I thought it was fair game. So, we go back to hers and fuck all night, I pass out. She's working at 9am in the city centre, so I tell her she NEEDS to get me up and out with her coz I have to get home by the afternoon at the latest.
I wake up naturally. It's 12pm and i'm alone in the bed. I realise she has left, has left me in fucks knows where (I vaguely remembered a long taxi journey), and I need to leave. I then hear noises downstairs that suggest she lives with her family. I can hear mum and dad chatting away etc, it sounds like a normal family home...and I realise I don't know her name.
There's a CD or something on the desk with 'Jen' written on it, so I assume that's her name. I was so shitfaced, I couldn't remember either way. Anyway, I get changed and sneak out.
I get to the back door and I can side-lined by her angry mother, who's fuming that there's a strange guy in the house - I counter her shouting with 'I know your daughter, I work with her, I crashed herere coz I was hammered etc'....she says, 'which daughter, I have two'
I blurt out Jen and luckily, it seems to be the right one. She gets distracted by her husband coming into the room, but turns to me and says 'wait there - Im not done with you'.....I'm thinking, fuck this bullshit, I'm not getting shouted down by an angry mother, I'm outta here.
So I rush out the door and leg it down the drive towards the back gate (about 5ft tall, wooden). In about 2seconds, I hear barking and I'm confronted by two chow-chows. BIG fucking chow-chows. Tearing after me down the drive. Now, chows aren't exactly the most intimidating of dogs, they're hardly pitbulls are they? But they're bulky fuckers, and they were pissed off. I tear down the path, try leaping the gate and completely fail - I end up with one leg over either side of the gate, while the chows are tearing on the left leg of my jeans, ripping my pants down. I get semi-dragged back into the garden, manage to get out and run hard.
I go to a cashpoint (ATM for the Americans), and my card isn't working. I flag down a taxi and the LEGEND takes me to the city centre free of charge (turns out I was 20miles outside of the city) coz he sees my terrified demeanour, my torn jeans, and enjoyed my story. Luckily, I managed to call a friend and get a ride home when I got to the city. Nowhere near as bad as some of these amazing stories, but still a funny night.
platfox
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When I was 24 years old I met a girl at a club. She invited me to go watch a movie and have dinner with another couple a few days after. I said sure. After the movie wr went out for dinner. While we were waiting for our food our conversation revealed that my date and her friends were16 and 17 years old. I freaked out in my head but stayed calm. I never felt more uncomfortable but they seemed ok with it. I ate fast and got out of there asap. When she called a couple days later I asked her if she was seriously asking me to date a 16 yr old, lol.
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Not my own experience but my brother.
We were all on a nightout in Craigmount, an area in edinburgh, I got tired round about 11ish and headed off home while my brother stayed out.
He met an older woman, he was about 26 at the time, she was about 35 and had kids. He went home with her, banged her. He woke up the next day and she was nowhere to be seen. He was absolutely bursting on a crap especially after a night of beer.
After doing the deed, he couldn't find any toilet roll so he grabbed a dry towel which was hanging, wiped his ass and chucked it into the laundry basket and buggered off, never seeing her again...so really it was probably a bad experience for her
We were all on a nightout in Craigmount, an area in edinburgh, I got tired round about 11ish and headed off home while my brother stayed out.
He met an older woman, he was about 26 at the time, she was about 35 and had kids. He went home with her, banged her. He woke up the next day and she was nowhere to be seen. He was absolutely bursting on a crap especially after a night of beer.
After doing the deed, he couldn't find any toilet roll so he grabbed a dry towel which was hanging, wiped his ass and chucked it into the laundry basket and buggered off, never seeing her again...so really it was probably a bad experience for her
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Went on a date with 23 year old with a great rack when I was 19. Went down the beach, I'm slightly tubby and white as fuck. Who do I run into but two of the most ripped guys of all time that I'm friends with, great timing. That was our one and only date.
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This was about 3 years ago, I asked out this girl from university. I knew her from my stats class, and she was pretty hot - 8/10 at least. So we went to get something to eat and went to watch a movie (don't remember which movie though), we made out but were asked to leave by the staff - whatever. So we're walking back to my place through the park and she says she wants to fuck right then and there and who am I to argue. So we're going at it when we notice this big german shepherd staring at us - I freak out and pull out and just as I'm about to pull my pants up he lunges at me and bites me on my weiner. I'm screaming in pain while my date called the ambulance. When I got there one of the nurses was laughing her ass off and after I got the stitches done the doctor who came to give me my prescription not was also giggling. We never went on a second date.
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lol
this guy passed the pepsi challenge
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lol. this joke would've worked had it not have been my townhouse where no women lived and had our roommate been married.
