Do you have to deal with gaslighting in your life?

tgv976 said:
Gaslighter seems to be the new word for a cunt. They've always existed. Male and female.

All I can say workwise is to budget and build up a surplus of money so when you've had enough, you can tell them to fuck themselves and walk out. Better is to get fired for something that will still qualify you for unemployment so you get a paid vacation. Even better is to invest in short term disability insurance. Then go to a doc and find something that is physically bothering you. Get the doc to write you out of work for a qualifying ailment and enjoy staying home and experiencing freedom for awhile and making close to what you would be making anyway, maybe even more if your state has mandatory short term disability coverage provided by your employer or state.
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Ironically I called a gaslighter a cunt over the weekend. She didn't take it well.
 
mixmastermo said:
The gaslighting is specifically related to her wanting to make me believe things happened that didn't happen or me saying things I didn't say.

She was literally making me question my own reality.

The boss situation is similar in that sense.
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You're assuming they don't believe what they are saying as you believe your version.

Generally, you'd gaslight somebody for a reason. In a relationship, you'd gaslight somebody to get them to stay or do something, leaving doesn't require this.
 
This reminds me one time I tried to talk to a girl I was seeing about her trying to argue and pick fights with me. She said "Oh you don't like it when a woman challenges you?" Then she tried to paint this narrative that I'm not used to women "challenging" me because of the parirarchy. I decided to overcome that challenge by cutting it off with her.
 
ssBaldy said:
I don't think your boss is gaslighting you per se. More like a boss doing boss things and thinkingbhe knows better every time.
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I have many more examples of my boss not taking things I say seriously and wanting to make me doubt myself, only for the things I said to come out to be true and/or situations play out exactly how I warned everyone about.

Case in point, we had someone work in accounting who was just bitter and difficult to work with. I was with the company about a year before he joined, and as he comes from a finance background he was interested in getting to know her and work with her

At first he claimed she was great, none of the stuff I warned him about was true, etc. 6 months after dealing with her he told everyone he didn't understand how she still had a job working there cuz she was so bitter and difficult. I casually mentioned I tried to tell him about that and he denied it. This accounting person was ultimately terminated.

There's some other stuff about some investments and some software we have that I had shared some thoughts on, I wasn't taken seriously because everyone else who doesn't directly use our system thought it was fine as is...

Then we all found out the hard way that I was right all along and we ought to move away from our current system and yet he still won't acknowledge that I made some solid observations a looong time ago.

I could go on, but essentially his playbook is to make it seem like people who work for him don't have a valid opinion on their areas of expertise. It's one thing to get more information from people or offer a different perspective based on some notions my boss may have, but his MO is to question people in things he doesn't actually know much about. He does it in a way where he makes people doubt their own experience and reality.

My conversation with him about AI is a perfect example. Hey boss yes I actually did study AI in school for a bit. His response: no you didn't, you didn't do that in school. Don't say that you did. I literally had to show him the syllabus of some of my classes on machine learning and neutral networks to get him to change his tune.
 
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Fury said:
You're assuming they don't believe what they are saying as you believe your version.

Generally, you'd gaslight somebody for a reason. In a relationship, you'd gaslight somebody to get them to stay or do something, leaving doesn't require this.
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She was absolutely doing it for a reason. She really wanted to make me think it was my fault things went sour and it justified her lack of teamwork and overspending in the last year we were together

Keep in mind I'm only giving you all tiny pieces of information of a much bigger picture, and I actually did see a therapist briefly to help get a better understanding of that situation so I could find some closure and move on. On the one hand I see your logic and train of thought, but on the other hand you're not seeing all of the context of the situation.
 
mixmastermo said:
Hey boss yes I actually did study AI in school for a bit. His response: no you didn't, you didn't do that in school. Don't say that you did.
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That's not gaslighting. Gaslighting is a series of small or subtle things to change your perception of reality and/or trust in your own thoughts.
 
mixmastermo said:
She was absolutely doing it for a reason. She really wanted to make me think it was my fault things went sour and it justified her lack of teamwork and overspending in the last year we were together

Keep in mind I'm only giving you all tiny pieces of information of a much bigger picture, and I actually did see a therapist briefly to help get a better understanding of that situation so I could find some closure and move on. On the one hand I see your logic and train of thought, but on the other hand you're not seeing all of the context of the situation.
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Almost everybody tries to make it seem like the other person's fault.

It doesn't have to be gaslighting for her to be shitty.

Gaslighting is just an overused as a term at this point.
 
Yeah, my wife. She made me doubt things that happened in the past or things we were supposed to do. Started to doubt my memory. I thought, well I'm not a good listener but this is kinda bad. Turned out she was doing that to everyone. Now I doubt her memory lol.
 
back in my day gaslighting left you with singed crack hairs
 
mixmastermo said:
I've had two very strong examples of being gaslit in recent years. here's the official definition:


www.merriam-webster.com

Definition of GASLIGHTING

psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one's… See the full definition
www.merriam-webster.com www.merriam-webster.com

First example- my marriage and divorce. Ex wife did this repeatedly in the last year we were together, essentially distorting events that happened between us and by trying to make me doubt everything I said. It got to the point where we'd have a discussion about an observation, she'd share her thoughts on the subject, I'd share mine, saying something like "X and Y, so Z" but she'd immediately respond with "oh it's not that, it's Z because Y and X".

We were literally saying the same thing, but she'd want me to believe I was wrong somehow. She initiated the separation but I didn't push back, as I had accepted the relationship wasn't working anymore.

Second, most recent example- my boss.

A few months back he had asked in a group meeting if we had any experts in AI. I raised my hand, and shared that I'd never call myself an expert but I did study it in school and I know the fundamentals of how it works and what it does. He cut the convo short and said we'd discuss later. In a few days in a one on one meeting, he didn't merely challenge me on what I was saying, he flat out told me that I didn't know anything about AI and he didn't appreciate that I shared that I had knowledge of the subject in a group setting. He wasn't just questioning my credentials, he was telling me what I knew and what I didn't know.

I walked out of the room. I wasn't going to tolerate that. What I ended up doing was sharing some links in some specific coursework I took and the very specific projects I worked on and the applications I used it for in the real world. He eventually had an "oh shit" moment and realized he messed up and apologized for the way he confronted me on the matter.

Another issue I have been having is with my team. When I share my thoughts about two specific people on my team, he seems to think his opinion on the subject is somehow more valid.

One guy, A, came to the team with minimal experience, but he is responsible and he has learned quite a bit. He's a good employee and I am glad to have him on my team, but I also recognize he lacks confidence due to his inexperience. I've been slowly teaching him more and giving him responsibilities because I do not want to overload him. He has already gotten promoted and given very good raises over the past 2 years, he just needs to be given space to develop over time.

The other guy, L is much older and is a bit of a space cadet. He technically has more experience, but he's very disorganized, impulsive, and forgetful. I think L needs more training and support- and it isn't something he's going to learn and adapt to by going to a 3 day seminar. I shared my concerns with L with my boss, and my boss is somehow convinced that I could solve the problem by giving some of L's responsibilities to A.

This is where the gaslighting comes in: Instead of taking me at my word on L's deficiencies, he started to pick apart some of the very basic examples I brought up of L making mistakes or forgetting to complete his tasks. Instead of listening to my concerns about overloading A, and even after giving some very specific examples as to how A is a great guy but lacks confidence, boss says "well that's just something you need to manage"

After some time he ultimately realized that L may not in fact be a good fit and he may need some additional support and training. I then think to myself, then why'd you have to make me doubt my own reality? Why were you so convinced that you had the answer when I'm the one who has to deal with L's incompetence and A's lack of confidence on a daily basis?


In both cases, like with my ex and with my boss, I feel like it's some form of insecurity manifesting. I suppose I should be glad I recognize this behavior and know it's not appropriate. It is justification for me to make a decision to move on. It just sucks to know I've wasted time and energy investing into a relationship and my career to have to look to start over again, because some people wanted to make me doubt reality.
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I don’t think you really believe this or that any of this really happened

Why are you making all of this up?

Are you just seeking attention? Is this a cry for help? Have you disassociated from reality?

On the serious though I have said to my wife I wish I had a police body camera on because one of us is completely making up a reality that doesn’t exist and I’m pretty sure it’s you

I have also said. I don’t know how I could’ve Said that because I have never even thought it. Whe she’ll tell me I just said _______.

So it’s just a question of who’s gaslighting whom
 
Been guilt tripped and manipulated a lot. I don't know if that falls into the realm of gaslighting or not.
 
I think that there is a big difference between deliberately attacking someone's sanity in order to make them dependant on you, and being too arrogant to even consider that you're wrong.
 
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