I've had two very strong examples of being gaslit in recent years. here's the official definition:
psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one's… See the full definition
www.merriam-webster.com
First example- my marriage and divorce. Ex wife did this repeatedly in the last year we were together, essentially distorting events that happened between us and by trying to make me doubt everything I said. It got to the point where we'd have a discussion about an observation, she'd share her thoughts on the subject, I'd share mine, saying something like "X and Y, so Z" but she'd immediately respond with "oh it's not that, it's Z because Y and X".
We were literally saying the same thing, but she'd want me to believe I was wrong somehow. She initiated the separation but I didn't push back, as I had accepted the relationship wasn't working anymore.
Second, most recent example- my boss.
A few months back he had asked in a group meeting if we had any experts in AI. I raised my hand, and shared that I'd never call myself an expert but I did study it in school and I know the fundamentals of how it works and what it does. He cut the convo short and said we'd discuss later. In a few days in a one on one meeting, he didn't merely challenge me on what I was saying, he flat out told me that I didn't know anything about AI and he didn't appreciate that I shared that I had knowledge of the subject in a group setting. He wasn't just questioning my credentials, he was telling me what I knew and what I didn't know.
I walked out of the room. I wasn't going to tolerate that. What I ended up doing was sharing some links in some specific coursework I took and the very specific projects I worked on and the applications I used it for in the real world. He eventually had an "oh shit" moment and realized he messed up and apologized for the way he confronted me on the matter.
Another issue I have been having is with my team. When I share my thoughts about two specific people on my team, he seems to think his opinion on the subject is somehow more valid.
One guy, A, came to the team with minimal experience, but he is responsible and he has learned quite a bit. He's a good employee and I am glad to have him on my team, but I also recognize he lacks confidence due to his inexperience. I've been slowly teaching him more and giving him responsibilities because I do not want to overload him. He has already gotten promoted and given very good raises over the past 2 years, he just needs to be given space to develop over time.
The other guy, L is much older and is a bit of a space cadet. He technically has more experience, but he's very disorganized, impulsive, and forgetful. I think L needs more training and support- and it isn't something he's going to learn and adapt to by going to a 3 day seminar. I shared my concerns with L with my boss, and my boss is somehow convinced that I could solve the problem by giving some of L's responsibilities to A.
This is where the gaslighting comes in: Instead of taking me at my word on L's deficiencies, he started to pick apart some of the very basic examples I brought up of L making mistakes or forgetting to complete his tasks. Instead of listening to my concerns about overloading A, and even after giving some very specific examples as to how A is a great guy but lacks confidence, boss says "well that's just something you need to manage"
After some time he ultimately realized that L may not in fact be a good fit and he may need some additional support and training. I then think to myself, then why'd you have to make me doubt my own reality? Why were you so convinced that you had the answer when I'm the one who has to deal with L's incompetence and A's lack of confidence on a daily basis?
In both cases, like with my ex and with my boss, I feel like it's some form of insecurity manifesting. I suppose I should be glad I recognize this behavior and know it's not appropriate. It is justification for me to make a decision to move on. It just sucks to know I've wasted time and energy investing into a relationship and my career to have to look to start over again, because some people wanted to make me doubt reality.
