Attn divorcees, do you regret getting divorced?

[neverwas]

Got divorced,and now I sit back and watch her ruin another mans life with great amusement. For me it was the best thing I ever did. There is a lot of good advice itt,the only thing I would add is don't get into conflict with her over the kids,it sounds weird,but the head goes completely in divorce and things get messy real quick. But if you can keep level headed you'll come out of it witha good relationship with your girls.

Also don't criticise the mother where the kids can hear,that will drive a wedge between you and the kids. I have all that with my ex,and it really gets the kids down.to the point that my eldest,who lives with me doesn't want to go to see her or talk with her on the phone.

 

[MusclesMarinara]

Marriage is a lot like that Yellow tail commercial. Spill one shitty bottle of wine, there's always another on the shelf.

 

[RoryFan]

So you knocked a broad up that allready had 2 kids, decided to get married to a woman you didn't love because of the whole knocked up thing, then you proceed to have 2 more kids with her...

You don't need a divorce you need a fucking life coach or jesus or something.

 

[RoryFan]

As a child from a broken marriage, never stay together for the kids.

Why do people get married now? If I do it it'll be to facilitate a visa. That's it.

I thought you were married all ready, does this mean I'm still in with a shot?

 

[CrazyN8]

I find that asking people who already got divorced for advice on divorce is a bad idea. They will champion the decision as it further justifies there own. Same thing goes for almost anything. Biases as they are.

If you need to get divorced because you know in your heart it won't work, then that's it. My biggest advice would be to start identifying your role in what went wrong (it always takes two to tango) and to not expect anything to get better for a while. Divorce is ugly and injures everyone involved.

 

[fingercuffs]

I thought you were married all ready, does this mean I'm still in with a shot?

Lol, engaged but never got round to it. He's got an interview in the US in a couple of weeks though so it might be sooner rather than later.

 

[Heisenberg]

So.....no more double dates to watch the fights?

 

[SaucyJack]

Quite a different vibe in here compared to the last thread where a guy was considering divorce. Again, if you're not happy together, staying together and being miserable 'for the sake of the children,' is not a good choice for anyone involved, including the children. So, after discussing and counseling, if it's not going to work, go ahead and separate.

 

[Spoken]

I find that asking people who already got divorced for advice on divorce is a bad idea. They will champion the decision as it further justifies there own. Same thing goes for almost anything. Biases as they are.

If you need to get divorced because you know in your heart it won't work, then that's it. My biggest advice would be to start identifying your role in what went wrong (it always takes two to tango) and to not expect anything to get better for a while. Divorce is ugly and injures everyone involved.

people will definitely confirm their experience, but the way TS is taking about the relationship, it's obvious that something needs to budge.
Staying together isn't necessarily creating stability for children, and some couple manage to do it really well after they split.

 

[FwappyEnding]

I find that asking people who already got divorced for advice on divorce is a bad idea. They will champion the decision as it further justifies there own. Same thing goes for almost anything. Biases as they are.

If you need to get divorced because you know in your heart it won't work, then that's it. My biggest advice would be to start identifying your role in what went wrong (it always takes two to tango) and to not expect anything to get better for a while. Divorce is ugly and injures everyone involved.

I disagree. People will only champion things they felt were the right decision. I owned a VW years ago, that doesn't mean I'll champion someone asking about owning one today. I didn't think it was a good decision after buying it and regretted it for a long time. Same goes for divorce. I thought it was a good idea at the time, I thought it was the right call. Looking back, I think I may have acted a little prematurely.

Then again, I tend to be pretty honest and open about things, so maybe I'm the exception to the rule.

 

[Happy Boy]

Divorce threads make me sad. THere is something tragic about hearing divorce stories.

I once read a nice quote about raising kids. It said (paraphrase) - if you want to raise children who will look back on their childhood with joy and nostalgia, it doesn't matter what toys you bought them, or where you took them on holidays, all that matters is that you and your wife loved each other. Nothing else will give them such warm and happy memories when they think back, and they will bring that love into their own lives.

As someone who watched parents sniping and arguing with each other constantly, I can vouch for this.

 

[dawnslayer]

Got divorced,and now I sit back and watch her ruin another mans life with great amusement.

this. so much this. I get a sick enjoyment out of it i admit, but I warned her new husband... fucking warned him.

to TS

Do you love her? Does she love you? If so get off your ass and find the medium between the man you want to be and the man she wants you to be. This WILL take work and you may or may not (may not prolly) feel like it's worth it.

If she doesn't love you or you don't know then that's when you worry about a divorce.


I understand you don't feel like she's the one - but i gotta remind you man, it's hard to find a woman who you can be fully compatible with. One woman is not 'quite' pretty enough. One is too small and can't take your man meat. one is hot but opens her mouth and is a fucking retard. one has a cute face a nice job but she's fat. one is gorgeous and intelligent but has no drive and not even a zombie outbreak will get her out of her rut. one is a straight up nerd with no social skills, one is smart and pretty but has no common sense, one is the whole package but nags nags nags, one is everything you want physically and mentally but is a hypochondriac and whines nonstop, etc.


IMO dude, all you said really is that you felt you rushed it... if she's at least 2/3 of the things that you like you should probably just work harder at it... it's not easy... but then if it doesn't drive some people to suicide it's not worth doing.

 

[cooks1]

Sorry your not happy bro.

Have you really been miserable the entire 8 years? I understand the shotgun marriage, but you now have 3 kids, not 1. It is certainly possible for a married couple who are miserable to go from 1 kid to 3 in 8 years, but one or both of them would have to be pretty stupid for that to happen.

For that reason, I wonder if you have been legitimately unhappy the entire time. If you have been legitimately unhappy the entire time, my next question would be, 'Were you a lot happier before the marriage?'

There is no way for anyone to say whether you would be happier divorced. The only thing I would encourage you to do, before making any decisions, is spend some time thinking about what precisely is making you unhappy. Are the things making you unhappy related to the woman and the marriage, or are they something else?

I know a lot of people who got divorced because they thought they were unhappy with their marriage, but what they were really unhappy with was themselves and their lives. If that is what is making you unhappy, divorcing will not fix it. Like my sig says, 'No matter where you go-there you are.'

If what is making you unhappy is not related to the woman or the marriage, you should try to fix it within the context of the marriage.

If what is making you unhappy is related to the woman and the marriage, you can ask yourself another question, which is, 'Have I gone through considerable time, trouble, and effort to fix these issues, and come up short?'

If you can not answer that question with a yes, it is probably not time to get divorced. Usually, the time, trouble, and effort to get a divorce, then build a new life and achieve a modicum of happiness is considerably more than the energy needed to simply fix the problems you have. People sometimes get to the point where they are just kind of phoning things in and not making a real effort. Then things deteriorate a little, and the grass is greener mentality set's in.

If you and your spouse have not 'left it all in the cage' honestly, authentically trying to repair the marriage, then it is most definitely NOT time to get divorced. From your post, I'm not even sure you or your spouse have even got in the cage yet, much less left it all in there. You mention nothing of the efforts either of you have made to work on the marriage.

If you go through that entire process and still end up divorced, you will come out on the other end with dignity and pride. If you do not, expect to feel a great deal of shame and regret for sometime afterwards.

 

[Leagon]

The deterioration of the Western marriage culture is heartbreaking. We need, on a national/cultural level, to discuss this in a constructive way (rather than therapeutic) and get this problem solved. Its starting to look like there's no purpose to marriage anymore and I can't imagine the effect its having on kids nowadays.

 

[cooks1]

Best thing to happen to me. Before I was a loser, trying to skate by in life, and do the bare minimum. Had 3 kids with her, and a failed business( nobody buys used books anymore apparently) with nothing to show for my past except my military exp. My marriage enabled me to sit on my ass, and grow complacent. I was on the fast track to a depressed, sad existence.

But since then? I have learned how to live with myself, and learn there is sommuch more in this world to live for. My boys will have a father they can be proud of, with a terrific job, and actual aspirations in life. Now I would be lying if I said I didn't miss my family, but in the long run, it will be for the better and work itself out.

I am glad you are so much happier now. But your marriage did not enable you to sit on your ass. You made that decision. That is down to your decision making and maturity level.

If you make easier choices when there is a net under the wire, that's on you my friend.

Maybe there were legitimate reasons for your divorce, but there was nothing in your post to suggest you could not have made all the positive changes you made within the context of your marriage.

 

[Happy Boy]

People's perception of marriage is very odd to me. I get people all the time ask how I could tie myself down so early in life and other such synonyms for throwing my life away, whereas for me I saw it as total freedom to be myself entirely with somebody and embrace a life together. Complete liberation rather than subordination.

 

[Leagon]

People's perception of marriage is very odd to me. I get people all the time ask how I could tie myself down so early in life and other such synonyms for throwing my life away, whereas for me I saw it as total freedom to be myself entirely with somebody and embrace a life together. Complete liberation rather than subordination.

I'm not married, but that's what I've always viewed it as. I look forward to it for that reason. BSing gets tiring.

 

[Happy Boy]

I'm not married, but that's what I've always viewed it as. I look forward to it for that reason. BSing gets tiring.

That's just it. The whole idea of game and how to build a perception seems exhasuting.

 

[Satur9]

I am glad you are so much happier now. But your marriage did not enable you to sit on your ass. You made that decision. That is down to your decision making and maturity level.

If you make easier choices when there is a net under the wire, that's on you my friend.

Maybe there were legitimate reasons for your divorce, but there was nothing in your post to suggest you could not have made all the positive changes you made within the context of your marriage.

Nothing I said was not the truth, and I will only present things I did wrong, since she is not her to defend herself. and ultimately that makes me look that much worse. I don't mind.

Enabled does not mean compelled. You're right in that is was on me, of course, and that is why my divorce was for the best. If I didn't get divorced, who knows what would have happened. Maybe I would have woke up, and maybe not. Looking back and wishing things were different does no good. It was only good for me, and her, because we were never right for each other and only brought the worst out in each other. The square peg will never go into the round hole without destruction ensuing.

 

[cooks1]

Nothing I said was not the truth, and I will only present things I did wrong, since she is not her to defend herself. and ultimately that makes me look that much worse. I don't mind.

Enabled does not mean compelled. You're right in that is was on me, of course, and that is why my divorce was for the best. If I didn't get divorced, who knows what would have happened. Maybe I would have woke up, and maybe not. Looking back and wishing things were different does no good. It was only good for me, and her, because we were never right for each other and only brought the worst out in each other. The square peg will never go into the round hole without destruction ensuing.

That's Fair Play.

Like I said, there may well have been good reasons for your divorce. I have no information about you, your marriage or your spouse, so I have no way of knowing.

But your marriage does not deserve the blame for your being, to use your words, a 'complacent loser, skating through life, sitting on his ass'. You were the complacent loser on his ass, you just happened to be married.

Likewise, your divorce is not entitled to any of the credit for all of the huge positive changes you have made, and the much better person you now are. You get all the credit for that. You made the changes. You were the bad-ass that pulled himself up from his boot straps.

This is an important distinction that people need to understand. Because I have no doubt there are dozens of married hapless losers sitting on their ass right now reading your initial post thinking they will be an Alpha juggernaut, if they just get a divorce. When that is most likely not the case. And if it is something that they are capable of, they could just as easily, perhaps even more easily, accomplish it within the marriage.