Attn divorcees, do you regret getting divorced?

cooks1 said:
That's Fair Play.

Like I said, there may well have been good reasons for your divorce. I have no information about you, your marriage or your spouse, so I have no way of knowing.

But your marriage does not deserve the blame for your being, to use your words, a 'complacent loser, skating through life, sitting on his ass'. You were the complacent loser on his ass, you just happened to be married.

Likewise, your divorce is not entitled to any of the credit for all of the huge positive changes you have made, and the much better person you now are. You get all the credit for that. You made the changes. You were the bad-ass that pulled himself up from his boot straps.

This is an important distinction that people need to understand. Because I have no doubt there are dozens of married hapless losers sitting on their ass right now reading your initial post thinking they will be an Alpha juggernaut, if they just get a divorce. When that is most likely not he case. And if it is something that they are capable of, they could just as easily, perhaps even more easily, accomplish it within the marriage.
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Amen.

When I hear about marriages that end because a person wasn't "happy," it always reminds me of when I was a short, skinny, nerdy, depressed teenager that thought he would be a loser forever. For a period of about three years, I remember my parents looking at me like I was a fucking idiot. And I was. Life is too long and too unpredictable to think that things - good or bad - will last forever. If a relationship was ever any good, it can always become so again, imo.
 
Leagon said:
The deterioration of the Western marriage culture is heartbreaking. We need, on a national/cultural level, to discuss this in a constructive way (rather than therapeutic) and get this problem solved. Its starting to look like there's no purpose to marriage anymore and I can't imagine the effect its having on kids nowadays.
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This is right on the money. I wonder all the time why people get married anymore. It's become so easy to get a divorce that marriages end that way over the silliest things.

I don't regret my first divorce at all. I would say I regret even meeting the bitch but I have a daughter from it and that tells me that it wasn't all a waste.

The second marriage I do sometimes regret because at one time we had something really great and I think we both could've worked harder to save it. At the same time, becoming single again is probably the best thing to happen to me. I can do as I please and be my own person without any contention from a significant other. In fact, I like being single so much that I don't even date anymore.
 
Leagon said:
The deterioration of the Western marriage culture is heartbreaking. We need, on a national/cultural level, to discuss this in a constructive way (rather than therapeutic) and get this problem solved. Its starting to look like there's no purpose to marriage anymore and I can't imagine the effect its having on kids nowadays.
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A big part of it is modern life changing at a pace much faster than marriage habits.

While people are waiting longer to get married than say 50 years ago, that shift is happening much slower than the social, cultural, and technological shifts.

I'm not saying that you can't make a marriage work if you get married younger. But if you really want to increase the likelihood of not getting divorced- wait to get married.

75% of the men who get divorced, married before 35. And 80% of the women who divorce, get married before 30.

http://www.mckinleyirvin.com/blog/divorce/32-shocking-divorce-statistics/

If I had married the hottest, most awesome, understanding, amazing chick on the planet when I was 23 or 24, I'm pretty sure I would have fucked it up no matter what. But you know what? When i was 23, I knew I had no shitting business getting married.
 
cooks1 said:
That's Fair Play.

Like I said, there may well have been good reasons for your divorce. I have no information about you, your marriage or your spouse, so I have no way of knowing.

But your marriage does not deserve the blame for your being, to use your words, a 'complacent loser, skating through life, sitting on his ass'. You were the complacent loser on his ass, you just happened to be married.

Likewise, your divorce is not entitled to any of the credit for all of the huge positive changes you have made, and the much better person you now are. You get all the credit for that. You made the changes. You were the bad-ass that pulled himself up from his boot straps.

This is an important distinction that people need to understand. Because I have no doubt there are dozens of married hapless losers sitting on their ass right now reading your initial post thinking they will be an Alpha juggernaut, if they just get a divorce. When that is most likely not he case. And if it is something that they are capable of, they could just as easily, perhaps even more easily, accomplish it within the marriage.
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While you have good points, there are some other factors that are at work. I was not a complacent person when I was by myself. I was a military guy, and spent a lot of my down time volunteering, and trying to make a difference through that, and doing any kind of community service I could. I let a woman run me when I got married, and it influenced me negatively. People change. It happens. Sometimes for the better, sometimes(<<<this guy) for the worse. Now of course I shouldn't have, but everyone is capable of being influenced, and it is easy to deny that fact.

I only said divorce was best for ME. Everyone is different, and has to find their own way through life. I wouldn't want anyone to do what I have done, as I have my fair share of demons and failures. Just hopefully they know that if I can make it through a divorce, and separation of my children, you can too, and be alright in the end if you try hard to make it happen.
 
ObsoleteSoul said:
While you have good points, there are some other factors that are at work. I was not a complacent person when I was by myself. I was a military guy, and spent a lot of my down time volunteering, and trying to make a difference through that, and doing any kind of community service I could. I let a woman run me when I got married, and it influenced me negatively. People change. It happens. Sometimes for the better, sometimes(<<<this guy) for the worse. Now of course I shouldn't have, but everyone is capable of being influenced, and it is easy to deny that fact.

I only said divorce was best for ME. Everyone is different, and has to find their own way through life. I wouldn't want anyone to do what I have done, as I have my fair share of demons and failures. Just hopefully they know that if I can make it through a divorce, and separation of my children, you can too, and be alright in the end if you try hard to make it happen.
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It's not for me to say whether anyone should or should not get a divorce. (Notice I am not trying to talk the TS out of it).

All I have said is that before divorcing, do 2 things.

1) Be certain that it is actually the marriage/your spouse at the root of your unhappiness. If it is not, fix the actual cause, and your marriage will likely improve as a result.

2) If it is the actual marriage making you unhappy, make every attempt to repair the marriage before leaving it.

These things are important not only for the hopes of repairing the marriage, but in the event of divorce, the TS can move forward with a whole heart knowing he did everything he could, and look back without that regret.

If you honestly did both those things before you got divorced, good on you. If you did not, well, you will never know what would have happened. But what's done is done, and there is little value in dwelling on the past.
 
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cooks1 said:
A big part of it is modern life changing at a pace much faster than marriage habits.

While people are waiting longer to get married than say 50 years ago, that shift is happening much slower than the social, cultural, and technological shifts.

I'm not saying that you can't make a marriage work if you get married younger. But if you really want to increase the likelihood of not getting divorced- wait to get married.

75% of the men who get divorced, married before 35. And 80% of the women who divorce, get married before 30.

http://www.mckinleyirvin.com/blog/divorce/32-shocking-divorce-statistics/

If I had married the hottest, most awesome, understanding, amazing chick on the planet when I was 23 or 24, I'm pretty sure I would have fucked it up no matter what. But you know what? When i was 23, I knew I had no shitting business getting married.
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I think you hit it on the spot. When I was 22-24, my ideal wife would be a girl who wore yoga pants and had big knockers, with a decent personality. Lol, but now, I am more interested in girls who can hold intelligent conversation, dress moderately, and have a wicked personality. Personality is now a huge factor for me. As I have gotten older, the women I used to be attracted to, no longer attract me, and I feel rather disgusted at the notion that I used to be attracted to them.

I think that each person should first develop themselves and have confidence in their own life before going out and getting married. I`m not saying be perfect (that will never happen), but work on understanding yourself better.
 
Marriage isn't for everyone nor is it easy and a lot of people don't seem to want to put the time and effort required into it in order to make it work. Been married 10 years and it is hard work being in someones space all the time.

Just a question for all those married and those who are divorced, do you find that you tended to fight more when you weren't having regular sex? I find it to be true, we get on each others nerves much easier if we have not fucked for a while. That may seem a little shallow but in our case it is definitely true.
 
Staying married for the sake of the kids CAN work. If it weren't for my kids I would've left my wife 10 times over, but I always stayed for the kids. And little by little the marriage started to get better too, so that even when my kids are grown I'll probably stick around.

All these people that are saying you can't be in a bad marriage and still be a good parent are just using that as an excuse to make the selfish decision. If you're really a man you can sacrifice your own happiness AND hide it from your children.

Plus imagine how sweet the taste of victory will be when you're both in your late 40s and you look at her and say

"I'm leaving you. I've hated you for the past 15 years, but stayed for the sake of the kids. At your age, it will be impossible to find a man as good as me. I wish you luck, and I just want to remind you of that time I said 'one day you'll wish you blew me more often'"
 
Timetravel_0 said:
My wife and I just got separated. We're trying to decide if divorce is necessary at this time. The reason behind it is basically 8 years of a miserable marriage. 8 years ago, I pretty much wasn't ready to get married, never envisioned being married to her, then knocked her up. We agreed to get married and have been in a less than storybook relationship ever since. We actually get along fine and she's a good, down to earth person but I never felt she was "the one." I admit I'm only in it for the kids. We have 3 daughters together and they mean everything to me. We've agreed to split the time with them 50%. I also anticipate paying about $600 for child support since she has been receiving $200 for each of my stepkids she had before we met.

It's a tough decision I could use some input for. My main concern is for my daughters.
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It seems that you're gonna be going through a clean divorce, compared to the other kinds. If you two can't agree to try giving the marriage one last shot then be thankful that you two get along with or without marriage. Just be sure that both of you take care of the kids.
 
If you're unhappy, a divorce needs to happen. If it's ok, you might want to reconsider chasing a mythical"one".
 
ObsoleteSoul said:
Best thing to happen to me. Before I was a loser, trying to skate by in life, and do the bare minimum. Had 3 kids with her, and a failed business( nobody buys used books anymore apparently) with nothing to show for my past except my military exp. My marriage enabled me to sit on my ass, and grow complacent. I was on the fast track to a depressed, sad existence.

But since then? I have learned how to live with myself, and learn there is sommuch more in this world to live for. My boys will have a father they can be proud of, with a terrific job, and actual aspirations in life. Now I would be lying if I said I didn't miss my family, but in the long run, it will be for the better and work itself out.
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Bro, you're in Florida. No one reads books there. If you had sold hair gel, sunglasses, baby size shirts, and other douchebag accessories you would have been raking in the dough.

Opening up a book shop in Florida is like opening up a surfboard shop in Vermont.
 
Kevin Rudd said:
Marriage isn't for everyone nor is it easy and a lot of people don't seem to want to put the time and effort required into it in order to make it work. Been married 10 years and it is hard work being in someones space all the time.

Just a question for all those married and those who are divorced, do you find that you tended to fight more when you weren't having regular sex? I find it to be true, we get on each others nerves much easier if we have not fucked for a while. That may seem a little shallow but in our case it is definitely true.
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This is 100% my case as well.

Small quibbles turn into arguments if its been too long.
 
Anyone else happily married? FWIW - my wife and I are always amazed by the amount of divorce in our neighborhood. It's fucking outrageous.
 
Project 2501 said:
Bro, you're in Florida. No one reads books there. If you had sold hair gel, sunglasses, baby size shirts, and other douchebag accessories you would have been raking in the dough.
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A "Jorts store" would have killed it in Florida.
 
asharak said:
If you're unhappy, a divorce needs to happen. If it's ok, you might want to reconsider chasing a mythical"one".
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It's not all about being happy. Life isn't always happy. Sometimes you just have to try and make the best of a situation.
 
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