Attn divorcees, do you regret getting divorced?

[Leagon]

When incompatibility turns the household into a battleground, this nobility often becomes foolishness. Divorce is often the tougher and more noble route. I was scared to leave my marriage. Truly afraid that I was going to be miserable the rest of my life. I felt a lot like TS did at the start of my marriage, but I did loved my wife, dearly. She was part of my identity and my life. I fought my ass off...for insanity. My daughters deserve better the an unstable household with butting heads. You do not have to live together to be good parents. His post was foolish

I don't mean to be insulting, so I hope I'm not coming off that way. I've never been married, but I know it's very likely the most difficult thing that most people will do in their lives, so I have massive respect for anyone who tries it.

My parents separated for a while and I can see what you're saying about it being easier for the children. It was nice to go to sleep without the sounds of fighting. But they are literally happier now than they'd ever been at any point in their marriage and I think it was more valuable for me, as a child, to learn that relationships are hard fucking work that you can't give up on than it would've been for me to be "happy."

If you can end a marriage if you're not happy, then what's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

 

[Yompton]

You are in no way insulting or condescending. I could tell you weren't married immediately, not being a dick, it was obvious. Sometimes, it doesn't matter how much effort you exhaust. Styles make fights. My first relationship post marriage was no work at all, she was perfect, I simply wasn't ready to commit. Its hard for me to support a dysfunctional relationship after being with someone I seamlessly connected to with no work at all. She made me stronger...better. It resonated in my children's faces and smiles. No effort. It was eye-opening and insanity-diffusing. That should have been my wife. The ex? It was hard, but a lost cause is just that. Did counciling, lied to myself, ECT. There was simply no way it was going to work. I cry every time I saw my oldest pretending to smile, pretending everything was OK, being the toughest one there. She didn't know it, but I saw right through her. I'm crying right now thinking about. That was me when I was a child. Pretending nothings wrong so adults don't have to deal with the added pressure. I couldn't do it to her anymore

 

[Timetravel_0]

Touche. TS, care to confirm?

I was caught up in my own emotions

Still defending him. Many of us need to learn these lessons for ourselves

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that Sherdog is full of hindsight genius.

At the time I was inexperienced and freaked out when she said she was pregnant. I come from a conservative/old fashioned family and thought it was my duty to "man up" and marry her. I really thought it would work out for the best. Then again, hindsight is 20/20.

 

[FwappyEnding]

You are in no way insulting or condescending. I could tell you weren't married immediately, not being a dick, it was obvious. Sometimes, it doesn't matter how much effort you exhaust. Styles make fights. My first relationship post marriage was no work at all, she was perfect, I simply wasn't ready to commit. Its hard for me to support a dysfunctional relationship after being with someone I seamlessly connected to with no work at all. She made me stronger...better. It resonated in my children's faces and smiles. No effort. It was eye-opening and insanity-diffusing. That should have been my wife. The ex? It was hard, but a lost cause is just that. Did counciling, lied to myself, ECT. There was simply no way it was going to work. I cry every time I saw my oldest pretending to smile, pretending everything was OK, being the toughest one there. She didn't know it, but I saw right through her. I'm crying right now thinking about. That was me when I was a child. Pretending nothings wrong so adults don't have to deal with the added pressure. I couldn't do it to her anymore

Shit man, good post. It made me cry thinking about seeing that very thing in my daughter's eyes last night watching her mom not even attempting to hide her anger/frustration/emotions. It created an obvious confusion in the kids not knowing what they did to upset their mom. I, meanwhile, had been trying to give them a positive environment. They had both had rough days and needed some support/love/fun. I put them first and ahead of my own emotional issues. I handled those privately after they were in bed and comforted knowing they were loved and cared for.

 

[Yompton]

Its nice to not get a serious post thrown back in your face once in a while. I appreciate it. There's some good advice in here TS and you appear to have taken some of it in. That's was the goal of those who took the time to post. What you've been through and/or are going through is nothing new. You'll get through this. Go get laid!!!

 

[SaucyJack]

Staying married for the sake of the kids CAN work. If it weren't for my kids I would've left my wife 10 times over, but I always stayed for the kids. And little by little the marriage started to get better too, so that even when my kids are grown I'll probably stick around.

All these people that are saying you can't be in a bad marriage and still be a good parent are just using that as an excuse to make the selfish decision. If you're really a man you can sacrifice your own happiness AND hide it from your children.

Plus imagine how sweet the taste of victory will be when you're both in your late 40s and you look at her and say

"I'm leaving you. I've hated you for the past 15 years, but stayed for the sake of the kids. At your age, it will be impossible to find a man as good as me. I wish you luck, and I just want to remind you of that time I said 'one day you'll wish you blew me more often'"

Be miserable and pretend in front of your kids. Why? Kids are smarter than that, and if they're not, you will be spending their entire childhood teaching them that love is fake smiles and being distant. You will not be able to act all of the little gestures that happen when you're genuinely in love.

I'd rather give my kids a loving, healthy relationship to model theirs after, not a lie based on a false notion that two biological parents in close proximity = happy life.

 

[Yompton]

Kids are smart

Simplifying your post to drive it in some more

 

[Fedorgasm]

Be miserable and pretend in front of your kids. Why? Kids are smarter than that, and if they're not, you will be spending their entire childhood teaching them that love is fake smiles and being distant. You will not be able to act all of the little gestures that happen when you're genuinely in love.

I'd rather give my kids a loving, healthy relationship to model theirs after, not a lie based on a false notion that two biological parents in close proximity = happy life.

If your kids can tell you're unhappy then you're not trying hard enough. You need to fake it to everyone. Your kids, your wife, your parents, your friends.... everyone will think that you are happily married. Your wife will think she has you under control and everything is fine. Then one day as the last kid drives off to college, you drop the bomb. VICTORY! Spite is a powerful motivator to get you through the tough times.

 

[FwappyEnding]

If your kids can tell you're unhappy then you're not trying hard enough. You need to fake it to everyone. Your kids, your wife, your parents, your friends.... everyone will think that you are happily married. Your wife will think she has you under control and everything is fine. Then one day as the last kid drives off to college, you drop the bomb. VICTORY! Spite is a powerful motivator to get you through the tough times.

Single guy, huh?

There is no way even Chuck Norris could pretend to be happy for 18 years...

 

[Leagon]

You are in no way insulting or condescending. I could tell you weren't married immediately, not being a dick, it was obvious. Sometimes, it doesn't matter how much effort you exhaust. Styles make fights. My first relationship post marriage was no work at all, she was perfect, I simply wasn't ready to commit. Its hard for me to support a dysfunctional relationship after being with someone I seamlessly connected to with no work at all. She made me stronger...better. It resonated in my children's faces and smiles. No effort. It was eye-opening and insanity-diffusing.

How long were you with her? Do you really think it would've been that pleasant forever? None of us can tell the future. If you had married her and lived with her for a few years, had a few kids with her, what was preventing that relationship from getting just as bad as your first one?

Were you never happy with your first wife?

 

[SaucyJack]

If your kids can tell you're unhappy then you're not trying hard enough. You need to fake it to everyone. Your kids, your wife, your parents, your friends.... everyone will think that you are happily married. Your wife will think she has you under control and everything is fine. Then one day as the last kid drives off to college, you drop the bomb. VICTORY! Spite is a powerful motivator to get you through the tough times.

If you can do that, forget the marriage, go make Anderson Silva money from acting. :icon_lol:

Simplifying your post to drive it in some more

They are much more intelligent and perceptive than adults give them credit for.

 

[Yompton]

How long were you with her? Do you really think it would've been that pleasant forever? None of us can tell the future. If you had married her and lived with her for a few years, had a few kids with her, what was preventing that relationship from getting just as bad as your first one?

Were you never happy with your first wife?

I was with the gf for a year, and yes, I could have and should have been with her forever, not a doubt in my mind. She wanted kids and my stupid kicked in. I just wasn't ready. She had a son a year younger then my eldest, he was a bit of a Tyrant. She would often stand there in disbelief with how I was able to handle him, and I her with my girls. We just had chemistry, the perfect mix...she naturally covered my weaker areas and I hers. It was a struggle with the wife the whole way through. We had moments, don't get me wrong, but we could never compromise, never see eye to eye. We both gave it a shot and we both hit walls that we just couldn't back down from. We divorced on year 8. The girlfriend could disagree with me and...IDK, she just had it. I'd take no issues with anything she objected to. Likewise, if I had a disagreement shed give me an ear and was reasonable, understanding, and logical. Every time she had a difference of opinion I actually felt more enlightened to understand it. There was no conflict, no abrasiveness...I don't know how to explain it, it was perfect and Im still in awe of it. If I had any issues with her it would be that she wasn't quite as loving of my children as I was of hers. She was great with them, this is really just reaching for a criticism. I do miss her son too. Loved the little booger and it was nice to have a boy for a lil. Theres a huge difference between the two...if I would have screwed up or pissed off the girlfriend, I have no doubts that id have genuinely wanted to jump through her hoops. The wifey? I jumped through hoops very unwillingly and it just built resentment. I broke up with the girlfriend over the baby issue. A month later I realized how stupid it was, did everything to get her back. My damage was done, I didn't take the chances she gave me. She cut me off 100% and it was the most crushing feeling I've ever dealt with. PURE STUPIDITY on my part. I don't blame her...a rough lesson learned. She put hope back in me though about what a relationship can be and I will always love her, she's a dime.

 

[dc007]

I have no regrets but I was lucky we had no children. I probably would have stayed and been unhappy if I did. I'm much happier with my current gf.

 

[GhostZ06]

You are in no way insulting or condescending. I could tell you weren't married immediately, not being a dick, it was obvious. Sometimes, it doesn't matter how much effort you exhaust. Styles make fights. My first relationship post marriage was no work at all, she was perfect, I simply wasn't ready to commit. Its hard for me to support a dysfunctional relationship after being with someone I seamlessly connected to with no work at all. She made me stronger...better. It resonated in my children's faces and smiles. No effort. It was eye-opening and insanity-diffusing. That should have been my wife. The ex? It was hard, but a lost cause is just that. Did counciling, lied to myself, ECT. There was simply no way it was going to work. I cry every time I saw my oldest pretending to smile, pretending everything was OK, being the toughest one there. She didn't know it, but I saw right through her. I'm crying right now thinking about. That was me when I was a child. Pretending nothings wrong so adults don't have to deal with the added pressure. I couldn't do it to her anymore

this was good post.


Man this thread scares the shit out of me. i'm almost glad to be single if i knew this kind of shit happpens. im kind of blown away on how many people here got divorced

 

[Fedorgasm]

Single guy, huh?

There is no way even Chuck Norris could pretend to be happy for 18 years...

Nah I'm married. But like I said, in my case I only had to pretend to be happy for like 8 years. Then the wife kind of slowly started becoming normal and now she's actually a pretty good wife. I'm going to stick around even after the kids are gone, unless she becomes crazy again.

Oh, and for those of you who think you can't pretend to be happy for 18 years... of course you can. Didn't you ever read the Count of Monte Cristo? A person can lie in wait for ages waiting to exact revenge.

 

[FwappyEnding]

I think it's like riding a motorcycle... No matter how good I may be, I can't account for outside influences (aka other bad drivers).

Same goes for my acting with my wife. I can only do so much before her influence ruins my acting.

 

[Yompton]

1)Oh, and for those of you who think you can't pretend to be happy for 18 years...

2) A person can lie in wait for ages waiting to exact revenge.

1) lol. Misery loves company

2) revenge is for oneself.

The true warrior often takes the difficult path. The successful warrior takes the logical one

WWFD

 

[CarbonFistprint]

Oh sure I could tell all the vile, upsetting, depressing stories. But suffice it to say, when I see a thread titled: "Attn divorcees, do you regret getting divorced?", it sounds the same to me as if someone started a thread titled: "Attn cancer survivors, do you regret getting rid of your tumor?"

 

[FwappyEnding]

Oh sure I could tell all the vile, upsetting, depressing stories. But suffice it to say, when I see a thread titled: "Attn divorcees, do you regret getting divorced?", it sounds the same to me as if someone started a thread titled: "Attn cancer survivors, do you regret getting rid of your tumor?"

Except, some people could be in a place where they regret their divorce for some reason. be it the kids, the financial impact, the relationship, the lack of effort, etc...

 

[Leagon]

Oh sure I could tell all the vile, upsetting, depressing stories. But suffice it to say, when I see a thread titled: "Attn divorcees, do you regret getting divorced?", it sounds the same to me as if someone started a thread titled: "Attn cancer survivors, do you regret getting rid of your tumor?"

This would only make sense if people chose to get cancer after trying it out for a few years to see if it was right for them. Then deciding that cancer made them so happy they wanted to spend the rest of their life with it. So they invited all of their friends and loved ones to a big, expensive ceremony where they proclaimed their eternal love for cancer and made solemn vows that, "for better or for worse," they would stand by cancer's side in holy matrimony. Then they consummated their love by having little melanoma babies.

So marriage is a little bit different from cancer, I'd say.