The addiction/depression thread.

I've been going through some depression the last few weeks from a resurfacing of a breakup around Valentine's day. I've made the mistake of starting to drink every night and taking over the counter sleeping pills to sleep every night. I work 2nds so really I come home around 12:30 am, eat and then drink/take the pills, fall asleep until 2pm or so when I have to get up for work and then repeat the cycle. I know I need to cut that habit but the times I've tried I end up just tossing and turning all night.

I use all of my focus to make sure I don't fuck up my job and that's pretty much it . After that it's pretty much "whatever". Anything more than the "bare minimum to get by" outside of work is a bother. To the point where it adds more guilt. For example I fucked over a friend of mine, I was sent an online referel for a job and I just didn't do it. Why? I can't really say? I just didn't. I know that there are friends and family that I can talk to about this but I just can't bring myself to do it.
Alcohol is definitely the worst thing you could take when going through a time of feeling down. Take the sleeping pills if you have to but fuck the drink. Alcohol ruins your sleep quality, so youre forcing yourself to fall asleep and then not even actually getting good rest. That can wear your body and mind out fast.
 
What's your diagnosis? Is there anything that's changed that might be causing your mind to wander more often lately?

Gotta let go of guilt and shame buddy. It's destructive, which I'm sure you know. Forgive yourself. We all make mistakes, and despite the current "no regrets" culture, it's ok to feel bad about shitty things we've done. What matters is how you deal with them afterwards.

Rumination is tough though. If you figure out a good strategy for dealing with that let me know. Mine is just to keep myself as distracted as possible and exhaust myself during the day so I can fall asleep quickly at night. I'm no doctor but I have a feeling distraction isn't really the best remedy.
Bipolar, borderline, and some paranoia/disassociative stuff. I don't think anything has changed except for the fact that my life has found some routine and my self destructive tendencies flare up. I don't have any good strategies..I'm really the last one to give advice on how to cope, my go to isn't healthy for me or anyone else.
 
I just re-noticed this thread and I really do wish the best for all you guys struggling with this stuff. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder back in 2009 but fortunately for me I'm pretty sure it was almost entirely a derivative of my completely over-the-top alcoholism. So when I kicked the alcohol for a while the depression evaporated. I've of course relapsed a billion times since then, and depending on how long the relapse lasts the depression often ensues. But then it goes away again when I get clean again

So I'm lucky in that regard, that I know what causes it. Now I don't want to be insensitive to anyone who's suffering, but perhaps this next part of my experience will help someone. With me the alcohol got so bad, it was literally life-threatening. By my late 20s I'd already had at least 4 very serious seizures, and it all finally culminated one day a few years ago with total acute renal failure. My point in saying this is to try to give a description of the hell I was living in those years when I was constantly in and out of the ICU and on/off breathing tubes. My life was hanging by a thread and despite my self-destruction, I didn't want to die. I was aware of how close I was tho, and this fear of what was seeming to be the inevitable left little room for concern of depression. Of course I was depressed, but I really didn't care about it. To put it bluntly I had bigger things to worry about

Depression to me was always the regret of unhappiness. It's similar to anxiety in that sense as anxiety for me has been the fear of unhappiness. So if I'm living in the past and in regret, I'm depressed, and if I'm living in fear of the future I'm anxious. So when my life was constantly in the balance, when I woke up every day literally praying to god that my body wouldn't shut down today, I was kinda forced to live in the moment. One day at a time.

I had no time to be depressed about the past or anxious of the future because I was just trying to get through that present moment

It was a horrible time in my life but I will say that it added a kind of perspective to depression/anxiety where I just don't care about it anymore. Whenever I experience it I just kind shrug my shoulders and know that it's probably gonna be fleeting and even if it isn't, it won't really affect anything
 
Welp wish I could say things have gotten better, but yeah. I think all that happened was I had another mini nervous breakdown. I'm "better" again, but that just means I'm able to cope again while suppressing my feelings.... for now.


I'm so goddamn tired all the time, suicide sounds nice just so I can get some fuckin rest. I get up everyday and eat this shit sandwich with out complaint, but I guess that just isn't enough.

<Fedor23>

Have you ever considered just washing your hands of all of it? I mean in regards to your feelings and happiness/unhappiness. As I mentioned in my last post, depression/anxiety for me is mostly the angst and worry and regret and anticipation of unhappiness, not unhappiness itself. There's times when I've been genuinely unhappy. A healthy unhappy (if that makes any sense) that anyone would feel if in the same situation. And on a few of these unhappy occasions I've been able to step outside myself and analyze what I was feeling

I felt bad. I was in pain. But I was no longer fighting the pain I was experiencing. I was no longer dreading it. It was there in my face and in my heart and I was absorbing it. And accepting it. And living through it.

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself" is such a brilliant line. I would say similarly that do not drain yourself by being unhappy over unhappiness. Take the unhappiness when it comes, but don't torture yourself in the contemplation and anticipation of it

The moment you no longer care about being happy just might be the moment you stop fearing unhappiness
 
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I just re-noticed this thread and I really do wish the best for all you guys struggling with this stuff. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder back in 2009 but fortunately for me I'm pretty sure it was almost entirely a derivative of my completely over-the-top alcoholism. So when I kicked the alcohol for a while the depression evaporated. I've of course relapsed a billion times since then, and depending on how long the relapse lasts the depression often ensues. But then it goes away again when I get clean again

So I'm lucky in that regard, that I know what causes it. Now I don't want to be insensitive to anyone who's suffering, but perhaps this next part of my experience will help someone. With me the alcohol got so bad, it was literally life-threatening. By my late 20s I'd already had at least 4 very serious seizures, and it all finally culminated one day a few years ago with total acute renal failure. My point in saying this is to try to give a description of the hell I was living in those years when I was constantly in and out of the ICU and on/off breathing tubes. My life was hanging by a thread and despite my self-destruction, I didn't want to die. I was aware of how close I was tho, and this fear of what was seeming to be the inevitable left little room for concern of depression. Of course I was depressed, but I really didn't care about it. To put it bluntly I had bigger things to worry about

Depression to me was always the regret of unhappiness. It's similar to anxiety in that sense as anxiety for me has been the fear of unhappiness. So if I'm living in the past and in regret, I'm depressed, and if I'm living in fear of the future I'm anxious. So when my life was constantly in the balance, when I woke up every day literally praying to god that my body wouldn't shut down today, I was kinda forced to live in the moment. One day at a time.

I had no time to be depressed about the past or anxious of the future because I was just trying to get through that present moment

It was a horrible time in my life but I will say that it added a kind of perspective to depression/anxiety where I just don't care about it anymore. Whenever I experience it I just kind shrug my shoulders and know that it's probably gonna be fleeting and even if it isn't, it won't really affect anything


Thanks for sharing, thats actually a really insightful perspective that I can appreciate. My biggest thing is paranoid anxiety. I get stuck in thought loops where I worry the absolute WORST is going to happen for multiple situations. These negative loops can last a few hours to a week. As soon as I get over one, something triggers a new one. Its stupid shit because I know deep down everything is going to be perfectly fine, but the thought of the worst case scenario actually happening makes me go crazy. I dont know if I could even actually describe just how bad it gets. But the advice of just focusing on right here and now definitely helps.

Heres an example of just how stupid my paranoid anxiety is. Ill be driving down the highway at night, only car on the road. Everything is going fine and then I hit a bit of a bump in the road. I feel it but know I didnt actually run over anything, it was just a fucking bump. Even though I know it was just a bump, my mind goes "what if you actually ran over someone walking down the road?" I know I didnt. Theres no damage to the car. It would have been really obvious if I did. Yet, the thought will constantly repeat its self in my head "oh fuck what if you did though...what if you get caught. oh fuck it would become a hit and run."


By the way, stay off the damn booze.
 
Thanks for sharing, thats actually a really insightful perspective that I can appreciate. My biggest thing is paranoid anxiety. I get stuck in thought loops where I worry the absolute WORST is going to happen for multiple situations. These negative loops can last a few hours to a week. As soon as I get over one, something triggers a new one. Its stupid shit because I know deep down everything is going to be perfectly fine, but the thought of the worst case scenario actually happening makes me go crazy. I dont know if I could even actually describe just how bad it gets. But the advice of just focusing on right here and now definitely helps.

I've been there man. Read my post after that in response to Mike
 
Have you ever considered just washing your hands of all of it? I mean in regards to your feelings and happiness/unhappiness. As I mentioned in my last post, depression/anxiety for me is mostly the angst and worry and regret and anticipation of unhappiness, not unhappiness itself. There's times when I've been genuinely unhappy. A healthy unhappy (if that makes any sense) that anyone would feel if in the same situation. And on a few of these unhappy occasions I've been able to step outside myself and analyze what I was feeling

I felt bad. I was in pain. But I was no longer fighting the pain I was experiencing. I was no longer dreading it. It was there in my face and I was absorbing it. And accepting it. And living through it.

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself" is such a brilliant line. I would say similarly that do not drain yourself by being unhappy over unhappiness. Take the unhappiness when it comes, but don't torture yourself in the contemplation and anticipation of it

The moment you no longer care about being happy just might be the moment you stop fearing unhappiness
I've been to both ends of the spectrum. Fighting against feeling this way, being resigned to it, and everything in between. On a day to day basis I suppose I get by ok. Unless I stop to think about how I feel. Then I feel like shit It's weird, although I continue to try to dig myself out of this hole, I've already given up on...... well everything. I wonder if it's even possible to make real positive changes, when you've already given up mentally.
 
I've been to both ends of the spectrum. Fighting against feeling this way, being resigned to it, and everything in between. On a day to day basis I suppose I get by ok. Unless I stop to think about how I feel. Then I feel like shit It's weird, although I continue to try to dig myself out of this hole, I've already given up on...... well everything. I wonder if it's even possible to make real positive changes, when you've already given up mentally.

What do you want to change exactly?
 
What do you want to change exactly?

Too much to list. I'm not a "normal" person that just happens to have depression. I'm a fucking headcase from my upbringing, and from coping with all this on my own so long, and making just incredibly bad decisions for a very long time. I can't make friends, I can't date since the separation. I can't ever seem to get enough sleep, I'm exhausted 24/7 for about the last 6 years now. I'm on all kinds of meds for all the shit wrong with me, to the point I forget to take them half the time. I should exercise every day and I should get on a diet, but I don't. I should quit smoking, etc.


I'm still derping around working multiple shitty part time jobs, but I don't really see any alternative for the time being. Basically every thing is wrong, and I'm so incredibly neurotic I cannot manage all of it at once. I can get up and get through the day, but that's about it and I feel terrible the whole time and I'm never really sure why I keep doing it.
 
Too much to list. I'm not a "normal" person that just happens to have depression. I'm a fucking headcase from my upbringing, and from coping with all this on my own so long, and making just incredibly bad decisions for a very long time. I can't make friends, I can't date since the separation. I can't ever seem to get enough sleep, I'm exhausted 24/7 for about the last 6 years now. I'm on all kinds of meds for all the shit wrong with me, to the point I forget to take them half the time. I should exercise every day and I should get on a diet, but I don't. I should quit smoking, etc.


I'm still derping around working multiple shitty part time jobs, but I don't really see any alternative for the time being. Basically every thing is wrong, and I'm so incredibly neurotic I cannot manage all of it at once. I can get up and get through the day, but that's about it and I feel terrible the whole time and I'm never really sure why I keep doing it.

we do it because we're not yet hopeless. There must be a tiny part that keeps saying to us "just a little more and it's going to get better". One foot in front of the other is the best we can do sometimes. We'll be stronger for this struggling someday and it will seem like a reward.
 
we do it because we're not yet hopeless. There must be a tiny part that keeps saying to us "just a little more and it's going to get better". One foot in front of the other is the best we can do sometimes. We'll be stronger for this struggling someday and it will seem like a reward.
It's incredible just how strong the survival instinct really is. I've struggled through some grim times on my own. I just get so lonely when I think about what my life actually is. I think around my wedding is the last time I really believed that there's something to struggle for. That you can win eventually, if you just refuse to give up
 
It's incredible just how strong the survival instinct really is. I've struggled through some grim times on my own. I just get so lonely when I think about what my life actually is. I think around my wedding is the last time I really believed that there's something to struggle for. That you can win eventually, if you just refuse to give up

I keep getting other people to remind me of that. I'm awful at telling myself but I have no trouble telling others.
Vanity, am I right?
 
Too much to list. I'm not a "normal" person that just happens to have depression. I'm a fucking headcase from my upbringing, and from coping with all this on my own so long, and making just incredibly bad decisions for a very long time. I can't make friends, I can't date since the separation. I can't ever seem to get enough sleep, I'm exhausted 24/7 for about the last 6 years now. I'm on all kinds of meds for all the shit wrong with me, to the point I forget to take them half the time. I should exercise every day and I should get on a diet, but I don't. I should quit smoking, etc.


I'm still derping around working multiple shitty part time jobs, but I don't really see any alternative for the time being. Basically every thing is wrong, and I'm so incredibly neurotic I cannot manage all of it at once. I can get up and get through the day, but that's about it and I feel terrible the whole time and I'm never really sure why I keep doing it.

Literally the only book I've ever recommended to anyone is Dr Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning

http://the420formula.com/new/headshop/books/pdfs/Mans-Search-for-Meaning-Viktor-Frankl.pdf

It's a pretty quick read (less than 200 pages iirc) but the impact it had on me in my life was profound

A few exerpts from the chapter "The Case for a Tragic Optimism":

Most important, however, is the third avenue to meaning in life: even the helpless victim of a hopeless situation, facing a fate he cannot change, may rise above himself, may grow beyond himself, and by so doing change himself. He may turn a personal tragedy into a triumph. Again it was Edith Weisskopf-Joelson who, as mentioned, once expressed the hope that logotherapy “may help counteract certain unhealthy trends in the present-day culture of the United States, where the incurable sufferer is given very little opportunity to be proud of his suffering and to consider it ennobling rather than degrading” so that “he is not only unhappy, but also ashamed of being unhappy.”

...

The third aspect of the tragic triad concerns death. But it concerns life as well, for at any time each of the moments of which life consists is dying, and that moment will never recur. And yet is not this transitoriness a reminder that challenges us to make the best possible use of each moment of our lives? It certainly is, and hence my imperative: Live as if you were living for the second time and had acted as wrongly the first time as you are about to act now.

In fact, the opportunities to act properly, the potentialities to fulfill a meaning, are affected by the irreversibly of our lives. But also the potentialities alone are so affected. For as soon as we have used an opportunity and have actualized a potential meaning, we have done so once and for all. We have rescued it into the past wherein it has been safely delivered and deposited. In the past, nothing is irretrievably lost, but rather, on the contrary, everything is irrevocably stored and treasured. To be sure, people tend to see only the stubble fields of transitoriness but overlook and forget the full granaries of the past into which they have brought the harvest of their lives: the deeds done, the loves loved, and last but not least, the sufferings they have gone through with courage and dignity.



Every single day of your life matters






*Dr Frankl was a neurologist and psychiatrist and survivor of Auschwitz and Dachau concentration camps during WWII. His entire family -- his wife and parents -- would die in the camps
 
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Literally the only book I've ever recommended to anyone is Dr Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning

http://the420formula.com/new/headshop/books/pdfs/Mans-Search-for-Meaning-Viktor-Frankl.pdf

It's a pretty quick read (less than 200 pages iirc) but the impact it had on me in my life was profound

A few exerpts from the chapter "The Case for a Tragic Optimism":

Most important, however, is the third avenue to meaning in life: even the helpless victim of a hopeless situation, facing a fate he cannot change, may rise above himself, may grow beyond himself, and by so doing change himself. He may turn a personal tragedy into a triumph. Again it was Edith Weisskopf-Joelson who, as mentioned, once expressed the hope that logotherapy “may help counteract certain unhealthy trends in the present-day culture of the United States, where the incurable sufferer is given very little opportunity to be proud of his suffering and to consider it ennobling rather than degrading” so that “he is not only unhappy, but also ashamed of being unhappy.”

...

The third aspect of the tragic triad concerns death. But it concerns life as well, for at any time each of the moments of which life consists is dying, and that moment will never recur. And yet is not this transitoriness a reminder that challenges us to make the best possible use of each moment of our lives? It certainly is, and hence my imperative: Live as if you were living for the second time and had acted as wrongly the first time as you are about to act now.

In fact, the opportunities to act properly, the potentialities to fulfill a meaning, are affected by the irreversibly of our lives. But also the potentialities alone are so affected. For as soon as we have used an opportunity and have actualized a potential meaning, we have done so once and for all. We have rescued it into the past wherein it has been safely delivered and deposited. In the past, nothing is irretrievably lost, but rather, on the contrary, everything is irrevocably stored and treasured. To be sure, people tend to see only the stubble fields of transitoriness but overlook and forget the full granaries of the past into which they have brought the harvest of their lives: the deeds done, the loves loved, and last but not least, the sufferings they have gone through with courage and dignity.



Every single day of your life matters






*Dr Frankl was a neurologist and psychiatrist and survivor of Auschwitz and Dachau concentration camps during WWII. His entire family -- his wife and parents -- would die in the camps


I'm going to get this for my brother. He's been having a tough time with drinking going through some bad detoxes.

My siblings think he's suffering from depression but he would never admit. When I talk to him it seems like he just has a horrible/helpless nihilist outlook on life.

This seems like it would be geared towards somebody like that.
 
Literally the only book I've ever recommended to anyone is Dr Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning

http://the420formula.com/new/headshop/books/pdfs/Mans-Search-for-Meaning-Viktor-Frankl.pdf

It's a pretty quick read (less than 200 pages iirc) but the impact it had on me in my life was profound

A few exerpts from the chapter "The Case for a Tragic Optimism":

Most important, however, is the third avenue to meaning in life: even the helpless victim of a hopeless situation, facing a fate he cannot change, may rise above himself, may grow beyond himself, and by so doing change himself. He may turn a personal tragedy into a triumph. Again it was Edith Weisskopf-Joelson who, as mentioned, once expressed the hope that logotherapy “may help counteract certain unhealthy trends in the present-day culture of the United States, where the incurable sufferer is given very little opportunity to be proud of his suffering and to consider it ennobling rather than degrading” so that “he is not only unhappy, but also ashamed of being unhappy.”

...

The third aspect of the tragic triad concerns death. But it concerns life as well, for at any time each of the moments of which life consists is dying, and that moment will never recur. And yet is not this transitoriness a reminder that challenges us to make the best possible use of each moment of our lives? It certainly is, and hence my imperative: Live as if you were living for the second time and had acted as wrongly the first time as you are about to act now.

In fact, the opportunities to act properly, the potentialities to fulfill a meaning, are affected by the irreversibly of our lives. But also the potentialities alone are so affected. For as soon as we have used an opportunity and have actualized a potential meaning, we have done so once and for all. We have rescued it into the past wherein it has been safely delivered and deposited. In the past, nothing is irretrievably lost, but rather, on the contrary, everything is irrevocably stored and treasured. To be sure, people tend to see only the stubble fields of transitoriness but overlook and forget the full granaries of the past into which they have brought the harvest of their lives: the deeds done, the loves loved, and last but not least, the sufferings they have gone through with courage and dignity.



Every single day of your life matters






*Dr Frankl was a neurologist and psychiatrist and survivor of Auschwitz and Dachau concentration camps during WWII. His entire family -- his wife and parents -- would die in the camps


I've read that book. I've posted about anxiety/depression/PTSD myself and am still dealing with it. I remember from the book, "The meaning of life is to give life meaning." Good book.
 
I'm going to get this for my brother. He's been having a tough time with drinking going through some bad detoxes.

My siblings think he's suffering from depression but he would never admit. When I talk to him it seems like he just has a horrible/helpless nihilist outlook on life.

This seems like it would be geared towards somebody like that.

If anything you can sell it to him as being a brutal first-hand historical account of one of the most relevant events in modern history. I mean, Frankl goes into detail about things you won't ever find in any history book

If your bro can stick it through that 1st half of the book then the 2nd half becomes a cathartic release. You don't even realize you're reading a technical book
 
If anything you can sell it to him as being a brutal first-hand historical account of one of the most relevant events in modern history. I mean, Frankl goes into detail about things you won't ever find in any history book

If your bro can stick it through that 1st half of the book then the 2nd half becomes a cathartic release. You don't even realize you're reading a technical book

He's a history buff so that could work.
 
I've read that book. I've posted about anxiety/depression/PTSD myself and am still dealing with it. I remember from the book, "The meaning of life is to give life meaning." Good book.

Ye that is the gist of it. So many people wander through life hoping to stumble upon the meaning of life; Frankl asserts it's the other way around: that you have a responsibility to life and in that responsibility meaning will emerge. Existence proceeds essence
 
I'm probably going to try and find a therapist again. I want some cognitive behavior sessions. I need to be able to control my rage and anger which leads to depression. My depression is based off being unhappy, angry and worrying about the future too much.
 
How's it going? I hope it helps too.


Actually, yes. I am on a couple mood stabilizers and it has made all the difference. I'm being consistently productive for the first time in a while. No more random crying spells either.
 
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