Just watched "
Chaos Walking" on Amazon Prime, based on a young adult fiction series by American author Patrick Ness. Ness wrote the screenplay with collaborator Christopher Ford, best known for writing
Spider-Man, Homecoming.
If the smell of a sewer were a movie, this is it.
It starts by explaining that, on another planet, all the women are dead and it's just men left. The women died about 20 years ago. And on this planet, creatively called "New World", the men can hear one anothers thoughts. At this point I assumed I was in for some kind of allegory on prison life among straight men. Maybe it would get into how aggressive male sexuality could destroy a community without women to have sex with? A prescient issue, considering popular news stories that come out of India and China, where the male to female ratio is creating a population crunch.
No such luck. "New World" is actually full of women. But before we learn that, Daisy Ridley crash-lands on "New World" in her space ship. At this point, I'm thinking to myself, "this is like a single beautiful movie star being thrown into a jail with sex-starved men. Things are about to get intense!"
Once again, no such luck. Daisy, whose characters name is Viola, is exceptionally gifted at combat, is intelligent, speaks the local language and prevails against the attempts of an entire community full of men who want to capture her. Eventually Tom Holland's apparent sexiness wins her over and they go off alone, where she explains that her parents are dead. She doesn't seem to care much. I definitely didn't care much. Tom Holland did seem to care. A bit.
Why is the town trying to capture her, you might ask? Surely, for sex?
No, actually. Not at all. Doesn't even come up.
They want to kidnap anyone who might come to rescue her! To get a space ship! Unfortunately for them, Viola is more than capable enough to take on the entire community. Strangely, her near super-human ability to defend herself does not persuade the mayor of the town, played by Sherdog favorite Mads Mikkelsen (whose presence the movie would have been unwatchable without) that kidnapping
an entire ship of people just like her probably won't go well. Her crew (according to her) is 4,000 people strong and while evading the town, she uses advanced modern weapons. Madds on the other hand is the sheppard of yokels who seem to posses horses and basic rifles. Oh well, kidnapping a whole ship it is!
As the movie progresses we discover that planet "New World" is actually full of women and men living in normal communities. The reason Holland believed the whole planet was absent women is because Mayor Madds insular community killed all their women in a rage 20 years ago. Ok then. The film throws its premise in the trash to make Madds look a bit more evil. But he seems so dumb that adding evil onto his character doesn't really do anything.
The plot then contrives a few more ways for Daisy and Tom Holland to have some alone time. But they have virtually no sexual chemistry at all. Holland is playing a literal virgin who is now friends with a movie star-looking woman and he can't seem to show the audience he's even a little bit horny.
In the end, Tom Holland has a fight with Mads and wins. Daisy and him don't even touch each other, and it seems to be for the best. I guess? What the fuck.
I have no-one to blame but myself for watching this. It isn't like anyone recommended it.
1/5