RAW Is War (Recap Thread)

[Bang Bang]

12 man tag up next, cener w big test and the coke gremlin w the new gays v da club w the disciples of fat neckbeards - at one point the biggest, tallest, and fattest wyatt faces off with big test and time stands still. vince is busy writing the next five years worth of programs that these two sub-talented behomoths will get


match was betta than it should have been, ending with a brawl and aj cleanly pinning enzo with a style clash. aj is pulling his tooth afterwards and it seems like the guy keeps hurting himself


seth is by some empty stands and gives a heel promo about the shield being his horsemen. only he fucked them all over and has no one now to help him win titles. this promo was done in an empty arena so no one would cheer for him, btw

mick foley and young shane omac talk about nothing

sin heat v baron balding - cole lets us know that the lucha dragons are split, so there goes their heat and their primary source of crowd response, 'the point to the sky and scream lucha' manuever. unless they keep doing it..... but its still finito for them.

a finish with sin actually hitting his move, but baron walks forward after it forgetting if hes supposed to sell or not, and then inexplicably, sin-heat lays out on the ring mat like he just got nailed. but hesuccessfully hit his forearm spring in barons face tho! what the fuck. what was that man. faker edge wins. kalisto comes out to put over fake edge as well, as he gets his ass whooped trying to help

jbl says that he likes how baron shows up, beats people up and leaves. could be betta if he just leaves.

 

[Bang Bang]

charlotte w her jockey dana duckface v sasha bizzanks w becky and her extremely fake red hair - it was okay, but natalya neidhart ran in and its a dq. villains pose, thats about all. felt like a waste of time


xavier woods' fun fact bio flashes on the screen: this just in, no one cares

lana del-hot-piece-of-ass has a mic and blah blah blahs. kinda tacky this bitch. job ziggler w zack 'da dumb guido' ryder v shamesus and the russian machine, rusef checkov - quintessential tag team match up with all the guys who will fight each other in an upcomming ppv. dolph jobs to the camel clutch


espy awards with john cena. couldnt tell ya what happens here, as I hit the FF button hard


the ascension into jobberdom talk to mick foley about hardcore stuff and othe ham n egger topics. daniel bryant comes out and talks to foley about how similar they are, only db has the modern and vocal neckbeard demographic that didnt matter in foleys time


dean xambrose v seth rollins - good, physical match up with a lot of back and forth. they put a lot into it, and it paid off. I liked it. seth clearly overshot his frog splash and looked like a goombah tho. they do a double-pin roll up spot from a superplex, and dusty is looking down like 'thas how Id'a done it, daddeh!'

a swerve! controversy! non-finish! brand split is going down, folks.

seth walks out with steph and she declares him the new champ. stay tuned and watch smackdown! for the fallout. bleeh. we're outta time, adios!

 

[Dusty Rhodes]

Yo are you a Boxden poster?? lol This looks oddly familiar

 

[Bang Bang]

no, just a zagbief poster here on special contract for sherdog, daddeh-o!

 

[Bang Bang]

if theres someone using this recap over there thats fine, but just check the dates and youll see that it started over here. I wrote it all, and I dont post there, for what its worth

 

[Bang Bang]

RAW is plain font! july 25th, 2016

prepare for a new era in sports entertainment and carny shit that vince macman likes!

@SOLID JUAN @WAR RANDLEMAN! @sniper

WWE BATTLEGROUND FALLOUT!


this shit got high marks from the internets from what I heard, supposedly it was a good episode. must mean that roman lost due to his wellness issues and internet marks everywhere cheered. cant say right now. buuuuut

I dont expect much. foley as a gm, steph as his boss, and it reads like a washed up TnA episode already. weee weee cant even contain my excitement




hey - if they really want a brand split, why dont they stop using the wwe brand for one of the shows and give it another company name?


LAST NIGHT - ambrose won via a fuck you to roman from management, due to him fucking up his push. I mean fucking up his wellness. welp - I guess roman screwed roman




is this music different? sucks balls all the same


we are introduced to our new announcing team, cole, caw mulatto wrestler no.1, and some mma can looking mofo...wow. not a good sign

tattoos and scrawny looking dude with a pompador / faux hawk from supercuts. guys suspect already


foley n steff are in the ring, and foley says some shit like 'this is a new era of monday night raw... so because this, a new era, I believe we will begin this new era... of monday night raw.' wtf dude, steph is clearly feeding him lines before he says anything like a prime nancy reagan. how does a guy known for his promos sound like this?

I guess chair shots are the answer. they didnt get him over either, imho (funny promos and good matches with top guys did that)


the backstage of this new era ... of raw, walks out and it looks like the same old shit we've always seen, with only a few jabronis missing. like they got demoted to sunday night heat. foley said that their new hw belt will be gestated and won in a tourny tongiht, and its going to be called the universal belt. pfffft


the tournament will star the same guys you think theyd have, plus boring new indie white guy. finn baitor peeks out from behind the big guys, looking like a tna x-division dude whos trying his best not to look so short. he has a leather jacket on because its too cold to walk around in those leather alex wright tights I suppose.



cesaro v rusef v ko v finn - they just throw four guys in the ring? did I miss something from when foley was stumbling over his promo? what kinda match up is this? this is like when you create any old stupid shit in a smackdown video game with your buddies just so you all your friends can play at the same time without having to do a dumb tag team match up.


finn walks out to his music and with the way he had his back turned to us it looked like it was going to be jericos new entrance. I thought so at least. it was that cool. then he turns around and I realize Im looking at a 'japanese guy' coming out. gonna hope this doesnt fail


nxt can announcer tells us that he thinks cesaro will win because he has a chip on his shoulder. uhhh well, no. its just some gay assed kino tape with a zebra design on it.



kevin fat bally under the shirt taunts his opponent by clapping and making a goofy face. seriously, hes the guy who everyone is praising for his fresh, new character? last week he pretend-posed for a selfie while making a goofy face too. its pretty euughck


then KO says to rusef that he doesnt know what pointing to his ear means, after rusev got a bigger pop than owens did for doing a sumersault and showing him up. that was pretty funny. finn starts turning things around by kicking everyone and slapping himself really loudly. oh great, hes one of those guys.


I say this, and RUSEV starts thigh-slap kicking everyone. fink balor wins by pinning rusef after he hit him with the kevin sullivan 'Im a fat ass turd so all I can do from the top rope is step on people' move


I liked the slingblade tho, but he hasnt convinced me yet that hes more than some derivative daniel bryant/cm ponk hybrid with a shitty accent.


next one coming up, nia jax, the ultimate in fat girl wrestlers who only look good from the neck up. old catfish ass bitch

 

[all caps]

How the hell did I miss this thread

 

[Bang Bang]

oh god, oh man. this is only some fuck ass squash match going on? as they dont even announce the opponent, it looks like its gonna be fat porto rican chick vs skinny white girl in sasha banks ring gear -okay then, nia jax wins with the running legdrop, brother.

they revealed that shes samoan, and I guess I was wrong about her ancestry. so Im guessing she can dance, and she has a great big old ass because she was meant to. is there some kinda coorelation with these things?


sasha white-girl-pretending-to-be-black, gets all indigent over goldust playing pokemon GO and not snapping a pic of her with his cellphone. the ego on this bitch

she gives a promo about her dreams, charlotte, how TONIGHT IS DIFFERENT, blah blah emotional rant. guessing she wins tonight.

this new raw font looks so simple and fucking boring. jaaysus. roman v zammy v y2j v shameus - Im not a iwc guy, Im not a pbp guy, Im just semi drunk and posting random shit that comes to me when Im checking out raw.

roman gets big heat as he does any kind of offense. its bigger than rusefs responses; whao. give him a ultimate warrior push but as a heel, and he will get over. what I mean is, dont over expose him with long matches, put his luger like self in shorter ones instead, with him connecting his big moves and calling it a night, and he will get heat. stop making him john cena pt 2, but being played as the samoan boss man. cease making him wrestle normal matches like a normal person. hes more like a monster heel

fuck shit! now I see I just suggested they turn roman into evil goldberg.




man, when did the walls of jerico turn into the boston crab? good luck getting over with that geriatric looking finisher, bud


speaking of which, this is a fast paced, exciting match up. cool formula for tonight, btw. they have let their average-great workers go out there and give us average-good matches.


you thought I was gonna say good-great, huh? well no way, Ive been watching nitro eddie guerrero and krispin wah matches, and these raw pittance like tv matches, arent GREAT tv matches.



roman wins via spear on the old guy. the cheers for roman now outweigh the booing. eh? strange, is he getting over now?



new day is out to twerk into your hearts and not look like buffons. bwahahahaha. hey remember when these guys were southern baptist preachers, but then they just went full on atlanta and decided to rock rainbow tights and unicorn headpieces to ride off the tumblr generations lack of standards and into the hearts of children and parents wallets? huh?


whaaaat ever.


they make a few dick jokes and look towards the audience to pick a new member. get it? haw haw haw. I should write this stuff. Ill admit, its getting a little bit fucking disturbing to see kids want to eat a cereal that revolves around an ass eating joke, but lets get on with the new day picking up a plant for this next segment.


they get to choosing a guy named sunny boy, and ask him way too many questions about his stupid idiot name. thankfully danny bashem and horace hogan come into the ring and mess these guys up. by throwing them into stairs, naturally. of course, but I never thought Id be glad to see them.

also, their ring gear is slightly cooler. its less 'japanese cannish' and more 'wcw 200 kronik.' totally cool and much betta.


the bashems spit on a shirt and throw it at sonny boy. yawn. we're promised the return of nellyville. wtf is up with that hair? I see fucked up facial hair and hair on his head, what the fuck. shouldnt this guy be wrestling superdragon somewhere

 

[Bang Bang]

axel curtis comes out and says hes not mr irrelevant. uhhh, who? well, I dont know. it suits him real well. he should get it next year also


its nellyville v mr irrelevant in dads cargo shorts - these guys proceed to have a lucha under ground match. fast paced, kicky flippy shit, with a top rope finisher. its cool, nellyville wins with aa twisting corkscrew monkey flop. from the top rope. good job, funny looking dude


backlund screams at goldust and r troof while he was backstage trying to coach darren young. (he was screaming at him too, btw) goldy and r truth break out and this was a non segment. no crossface chicken wang? wack a dack, man



video promo for finn bayyylor. but, its just his name; it sounds like a shitty discounted, over-the-counter top medicine thats sold to you at cvs. you know like the knock-off kind, made in india. finn baylor, for all your headache and cramp needs

<25>


he promises that he has something we've never seen before, and he comes out dressed like the boogeyman. sans the cool worms in his mouth and natural sense of rhythm. wtf




yeah, super original there, finn.

I mean,


anyways, the guys named after a racist tom sawyer character, how original can he be.

<mma2>

charlotte and dana anderson are here backstage to talk trash about sasha and her dweams. good promo, probably the best and most convincing one Ive seen a chick make in a long time; not since crazy ass mickie james was being trish's stalker did I believe a thing that these girls say


sasha blank v david flairs sister w dana duckface - what can I say? Im not for womens wrestling, but I do give these hoes props. I could almost say some corny shit like eddie guerrero would be proud of sasha and this match, but na. still a really good match, and sasha wins via a tap out from the bank statement.


sasha cries and blah blah. who is surprised at a woman crying so much. she won, so lets move on

I have to say tho, it is nice to see more interviews being conducted in the ring, but we need an interviewer who isnt some micheal cole clone asking the question. or getting another mulatto clone. that guy sucks hard. he cant even sell a joke, nonetheless a pretend fight.


now, we get some guy who looks like gilbergs son in the ring, to participate in a squash match for brawny guy stroman. this is not a fucking match.
we see gilberg jr doing a comedy thing trying to stand up to the tall guy, and Im immediately remembering when bugs bunny used to fight that big wrestler in the cartoon. vince must have liked it too, it seems.

gilberg jr sells a lot and gets his punches no sold. he loses. and yes, it is to something super contrived for a big guy who cant really wrestle. wow a real live, squash match on raw. Im not mad at it, but I dont think we need a three hour show if we're gonna keep doing this


how about you just make your squash matches show up on your secondary shows, and use the video packages youve been using on RAW to show off the highlights and cool finishers these guys do to the jabronis. show us their music video so we can see their entrance vids on the titantron. but dont make me watch too many squash matches, bros



instant FF button / channel switch

 

[Bang Bang]

@sniper cultural appropriation strikes once again

finn balor and boogeyman

 

[Bang Bang]

tha golden troof continue to play pokemon GO. fuck outta here


great, speaking of gtfo here, big test and enzo 'I amor-ay the coke-ay' walk out. he does an odb impersonation and it doesnt get over. leave it to 2 italian wiggas to fuck that shit up. suddenly the porto rican travel agency walk out and we're either in for an epic fail, or jus a basic ass fail.


lets see ... where does this go? anything witty or good? hmmm. okay, they invite ppl to porto rico, I invite them all to the middle of a lake

it goes nowhere, as goldy and troof walk in the match, collecting nintendo chimpokumons and cost the pr jobbers a match via a big boot. test, aye you gotta go back with the pump handle slam. it wasnt so lame




finn and roman have a back and forth talking to before their match up, with them competing in some kinda weird, racial face-off where they talk about their heritage. roman says 'nuff said' about being samoan and a brick head, then wishes finn luck. and finn says 'Im irish, we invented luck.'

Im sorry man, but that sounded really stupid


lol coles voice starts to give out, and mulatto caw asks the mma can looking announcer, whats wrong with coles throat? cole says dont worry about it! see tonight, its just gonna get LONGER, AND BETTA! really, he asks you about your throat, and thats your answer? the fuck, man?

finns entrance gets dumber the more and more he bows to his symphony esque music and the shit looks like a trippy assed soccer half-time revival show.



this ring announcer chick jojo sounds exactly like lillian, so why do we have them both. I cant lie, also Im digging this new girls smile a lot more. a lil tendoroni, bro. oh yeah, fight time.


it came off well. it was a good fight, short but no filler. finns going to fight seth rollinSS after getting his low-ki jump feet first into someone, finish in. no interference in this main event match up either, I like it. now why does fin baylore get to do this ridiculous top rope step on you shit, while seth cant do a simple fucking curb stomp? wtf is with ppl going and taking that bump anyways?




what can I say, it was a alright/good raw. good matches, a distinct lack of steff, no hhh, and a new dude who is getting a push that isnt just some big balooka with no talent. will stay tuned. see ya mofos!

 

[all caps]

I said the same thing in regards to Finn mcgregors foot stomp. He jumped on the back of Romans head from the top rope....

Why again can't Seth use the curb stomp?

 

[John Mabrey]

Keep it up bang

 

[John Mabrey]

I said the same thing in regards to Finn mcgregors foot stomp. He jumped on the back of Romans head from the top rope....

Why again can't Seth use the curb stomp?

Qft plus the curb stomp is way cooler and I would think Finn's move is more dangerous at least cuz I've also twisted my ankle in the past and I could totally see him botching it and dislocating his ankle

 

[John Mabrey]

I can't believe ziggler and Finn balor are fighting for the belt, reigns really fucked up lol

 

[Bang Bang]

I can't believe ziggler and Finn balor are fighting for the belt, reigns really fucked up lol

it sounds like a future main event at TnA, only their names would be

DWORF RIDDLER AND LYNN BALLER - ARE FITTIN' TO LOCK UP HERE TONIGHT IN THE iMPACT ARENA!!


THE FLYING DOUBLE KICK STOMPS VS THE OVERZEALOUS SELLING, AND BLATANT HBK PANDERING, OF ONE DWARF RIDDLER.

 

[John Mabrey]

lol theyre not actually fighting each other, ziggler is getting the title shot at ambrose, and balor is fighting rollins for the newly named european title

 

[Bang Bang]

ahhhh! still bad tho.

 

[all caps]

At some point recently they added some more raws to the network. I'm watching the episode where stone cod whips taz with his belt to teach him some hespect

 

[all caps]

LOOK AT YOU IN YOUR STUPID ORANGE SHIRT