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Hey guys - I got thinking of Episode 9. I'm not hyped at all. 7 left us on a cliffhanger with many possibilities - 8 let us down and shut down many avenues and left no hooks at all. What is episode 9 even going to be about? I'm sure lots of us are scratching our heads.
Let's try to come up with episode 9 ideas and see which land when this movie hits theaters.
I'll go first - tell me what you think:
------------------------Clippy's Episode 9 rough draft--------------------
We show the rebel forces on the Millennium Falcon .... all 12 of them.
Many illustrious shots of the ship, so many shots of all angles - it's like a porno shoot or something.
Rebels all talk about the dire situation.
Poe - What are we going to do? We're so few. It's us 12 vs THE UNIVERSE
Finn comes out in a tizzy
Finn - Leia's dead
Poe ..... 11 of us
Rey - We can do this guys. I have the force. I'm basically the most powerful Jedi ever and I read these books so hard.
Finn - I mean .. I don't see why not - someone should lead us.
Blue hair lady - I am the leader
Poe - Who ... are you?
Blue Hair lady - I have the most seniority and I am a powerful woman
Finn - Ummmm... can you tell us about your character?
Blue Hair Laduy - I am a strong woman
Poe - Do you have ... a name?
Blue Hair - No I have blue hair ... I am a powerful woman
Rey - She keeps saying the same thing is she some kind of robot?
Blue Hair Lady - DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS! QUESTIONS ARE NOT ALLOWED I AM THE LEADER AND YOU ASK NO QUESTIONS
--- cut to Kylo Ren
Kylo - is it ready
General Huxtable - the DEATH GALAXY IS READY
Kylo - Yes ... an entire galaxy with a laser beam center AT MY DISPOSAL - DO YOU HEAR THAT HEADS?!??!?!
Kylo talks to the heads of Darth Vader & Snoke
Kylo - I'm SO GOOD!! LOOK AT ME!! NOTICE ME!!!!
General Huxtable - This is weird.....
Kylo reaches out to General Huxtable and his head explodes with the force and Kylo is soaked in blood and licks the blood off his face cause he's a full on psycho now.
Kylo - I AM AWESOME!! I AM A MAN!!!!
---back to Falcon
Blue Hair Lady - they built a death galaxy thing to kill us all or whatever
Poe - OH NOES
Blue Hair Lady - We got the plans somehow and we're going to drive the falcon into the center of it and blow up the thing that will etc etc
Finn and Rose make out
Finn - WOMEN ARE AWESOME! TRUE LOVE CONQUERS ALL!!!
Rey - I need to take a shower
Rey showers and suddenly sees Kylo in a room full of heads there were his officers. Kylo looks sexy but disheveled and is wearing the highest pants
Kylo - You're getting water all over my sexy body
Rey - I'm so turned on right now
Kylo - DOn't fight it - you love me
Rey - ok I'll be right over
Rey packs an overnight bag and prepares to leave
Blue Hair Lady - where you go?
Rey - I'm leaving
Blue Hair Lady - I command you to stay for I am a powerful woman
Rey - fine
Rey leaves and Rose shows up - I know how you can escape
Rey - how
Rose - just use that escape pod right there
So anyway she meets with Kylo and there's this montage of them falling in love - rey gets knocked up hard
Rey - I love you Kylo
Kylo - You too!
Rey - I'm so preggers with your force sensitive BABY
Kylo - I know.
They go on a date and the cracks start to form in their relationship
Rey - no don't drive that way, cut through the Praxinninar galaxy!
Kylo - But the dipedyveradoo galaxy is much shorter
rey - pffffffffft
Kylo - YOU ALWAYS TELL ME WHAT TO DO WHEN I'M DRIVING
Rey - whatever I'm hungry
Kylo - Where do you want to go?
Rey - YOU PICK
Kylo - NO YOU PICK
REY - I AM TOO HUNGRY TO PICK
Kylo - *sigh* SPace Wendys?
Rey - NO YOU KNOW THE CHICKEN STRIPS MAKE ME GASSY
Kylo - WELL DON'T GET THE STRIPS
REY - DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO I AM A PREGNANT POWERFUL WOMAN
KYLO - I'M CRASHING THE SHIP CAUSE I GOT THE MOOD SWINGS
They crash on a planet
--meanwhile
Blue Hair Lady - let's go do the thing with the thing
They approach DEATH GALAXY
--meanwhile
Kylo - WE SURVIVED THE CRASH with the FORCEEEEEEEEEeeee
Rey - MY BABY IS SAFE ... also cause FORCE
Kylo - FUCK IT LET'S FIGHT CAUSE I'M A CRAZY PERSON
They bust out their light sabers!
TWACK
TWACK
Glowing sticks hit each other constantly while loud music plays
It's so dramatic - the passion of this horrible relationship
Suddenly ghost Luke shows up.
Luke: Rey ....
Rey: LUKE?!?!?!?!?!?
Luke : The Jedi ... need to end ... so just lay down and die. Come drink monster tit milk with me as a ghost.
Rey .......
Vader: I am so disappointed in you son.
Luke: Daddy?!?!?
Rey and Kylo continue to fight while ghost Vader and Luke fight as ghosts
Suddenly a thunderbolt crash!
Ghost Yoda appears!
Yoda: HHHMHMMHM MMHMMHHMMHM ME FIGHT TOO ME FIGHT TOO
Palps: Not so fast my little green friend!
Ghosts of Yoda and Palps fight while Luke/Vader fight
----meanwhile
Falcon blows up space weapon thing
---meanwhile
Rey falls down
Rey - BABY COMING NOW!!
Kylo - OH no... I have to deliver a BABY!!! HELP ME EVERYONE!!!
All the ghosts stop fighting because they each believe this baby will be important for whatever side they are on. They gather around Kylo and help him deliver a healthy baby girl
Kyle - Look .... a baby girl of ours....
Yoda - LOOK AT ALL THOSE MIDICLORIANS
Rey - I'm dying
Kyle -WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAT
Rey - Child birth is right hard - gotta go
Rey dies and vanishes into the force
Kylo - OH NO KIDNEY FAILURE
Kylo also dies and disappears
---meanwhile
Finn --- I am getting a message from the force... we have to rescue a BABY
Blue Hair Lady - IGNORE IT IT'S A TRAP
Poe - ... we just won.
Blue Hair Lady - I AM IN CHARGE
Anyway they blow her out an airlock and get the baby
R2D2 & C3PO
C3P0 - no worries we got this. We'll raise this kid
R2D2 - holds the baby BEEP BOOP BEEP BOOP BEEP BEEP BOOPERS
Zoom in dramatically on the kid
Roll credits
Let's try to come up with episode 9 ideas and see which land when this movie hits theaters.
I'll go first - tell me what you think:
------------------------Clippy's Episode 9 rough draft--------------------
We show the rebel forces on the Millennium Falcon .... all 12 of them.
Many illustrious shots of the ship, so many shots of all angles - it's like a porno shoot or something.
Rebels all talk about the dire situation.
Poe - What are we going to do? We're so few. It's us 12 vs THE UNIVERSE
Finn comes out in a tizzy
Finn - Leia's dead
Poe ..... 11 of us
Rey - We can do this guys. I have the force. I'm basically the most powerful Jedi ever and I read these books so hard.
Finn - I mean .. I don't see why not - someone should lead us.
Blue hair lady - I am the leader
Poe - Who ... are you?
Blue Hair lady - I have the most seniority and I am a powerful woman
Finn - Ummmm... can you tell us about your character?
Blue Hair Laduy - I am a strong woman
Poe - Do you have ... a name?
Blue Hair - No I have blue hair ... I am a powerful woman
Rey - She keeps saying the same thing is she some kind of robot?
Blue Hair Lady - DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS! QUESTIONS ARE NOT ALLOWED I AM THE LEADER AND YOU ASK NO QUESTIONS
--- cut to Kylo Ren
Kylo - is it ready
General Huxtable - the DEATH GALAXY IS READY
Kylo - Yes ... an entire galaxy with a laser beam center AT MY DISPOSAL - DO YOU HEAR THAT HEADS?!??!?!
Kylo talks to the heads of Darth Vader & Snoke
Kylo - I'm SO GOOD!! LOOK AT ME!! NOTICE ME!!!!
General Huxtable - This is weird.....
Kylo reaches out to General Huxtable and his head explodes with the force and Kylo is soaked in blood and licks the blood off his face cause he's a full on psycho now.
Kylo - I AM AWESOME!! I AM A MAN!!!!
---back to Falcon
Blue Hair Lady - they built a death galaxy thing to kill us all or whatever
Poe - OH NOES
Blue Hair Lady - We got the plans somehow and we're going to drive the falcon into the center of it and blow up the thing that will etc etc
Finn and Rose make out
Finn - WOMEN ARE AWESOME! TRUE LOVE CONQUERS ALL!!!
Rey - I need to take a shower
Rey showers and suddenly sees Kylo in a room full of heads there were his officers. Kylo looks sexy but disheveled and is wearing the highest pants
Kylo - You're getting water all over my sexy body
Rey - I'm so turned on right now
Kylo - DOn't fight it - you love me
Rey - ok I'll be right over
Rey packs an overnight bag and prepares to leave
Blue Hair Lady - where you go?
Rey - I'm leaving
Blue Hair Lady - I command you to stay for I am a powerful woman
Rey - fine
Rey leaves and Rose shows up - I know how you can escape
Rey - how
Rose - just use that escape pod right there
So anyway she meets with Kylo and there's this montage of them falling in love - rey gets knocked up hard
Rey - I love you Kylo
Kylo - You too!
Rey - I'm so preggers with your force sensitive BABY
Kylo - I know.
They go on a date and the cracks start to form in their relationship
Rey - no don't drive that way, cut through the Praxinninar galaxy!
Kylo - But the dipedyveradoo galaxy is much shorter
rey - pffffffffft
Kylo - YOU ALWAYS TELL ME WHAT TO DO WHEN I'M DRIVING
Rey - whatever I'm hungry
Kylo - Where do you want to go?
Rey - YOU PICK
Kylo - NO YOU PICK
REY - I AM TOO HUNGRY TO PICK
Kylo - *sigh* SPace Wendys?
Rey - NO YOU KNOW THE CHICKEN STRIPS MAKE ME GASSY
Kylo - WELL DON'T GET THE STRIPS
REY - DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO I AM A PREGNANT POWERFUL WOMAN
KYLO - I'M CRASHING THE SHIP CAUSE I GOT THE MOOD SWINGS
They crash on a planet
--meanwhile
Blue Hair Lady - let's go do the thing with the thing
They approach DEATH GALAXY
--meanwhile
Kylo - WE SURVIVED THE CRASH with the FORCEEEEEEEEEeeee
Rey - MY BABY IS SAFE ... also cause FORCE
Kylo - FUCK IT LET'S FIGHT CAUSE I'M A CRAZY PERSON
They bust out their light sabers!
TWACK
TWACK
Glowing sticks hit each other constantly while loud music plays
It's so dramatic - the passion of this horrible relationship
Suddenly ghost Luke shows up.
Luke: Rey ....
Rey: LUKE?!?!?!?!?!?
Luke : The Jedi ... need to end ... so just lay down and die. Come drink monster tit milk with me as a ghost.
Rey .......
Vader: I am so disappointed in you son.
Luke: Daddy?!?!?
Rey and Kylo continue to fight while ghost Vader and Luke fight as ghosts
Suddenly a thunderbolt crash!
Ghost Yoda appears!
Yoda: HHHMHMMHM MMHMMHHMMHM ME FIGHT TOO ME FIGHT TOO
Palps: Not so fast my little green friend!
Ghosts of Yoda and Palps fight while Luke/Vader fight
----meanwhile
Falcon blows up space weapon thing
---meanwhile
Rey falls down
Rey - BABY COMING NOW!!
Kylo - OH no... I have to deliver a BABY!!! HELP ME EVERYONE!!!
All the ghosts stop fighting because they each believe this baby will be important for whatever side they are on. They gather around Kylo and help him deliver a healthy baby girl
Kyle - Look .... a baby girl of ours....
Yoda - LOOK AT ALL THOSE MIDICLORIANS
Rey - I'm dying
Kyle -WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAT
Rey - Child birth is right hard - gotta go
Rey dies and vanishes into the force
Kylo - OH NO KIDNEY FAILURE
Kylo also dies and disappears
---meanwhile
Finn --- I am getting a message from the force... we have to rescue a BABY
Blue Hair Lady - IGNORE IT IT'S A TRAP
Poe - ... we just won.
Blue Hair Lady - I AM IN CHARGE
Anyway they blow her out an airlock and get the baby
R2D2 & C3PO
C3P0 - no worries we got this. We'll raise this kid
R2D2 - holds the baby BEEP BOOP BEEP BOOP BEEP BEEP BOOPERS
Zoom in dramatically on the kid
Roll credits