Let's try to guess what will happen in Star Wars Episode 9 - I wrote a script!

Discussion in 'Mayberry Lounge' started by Clippy, Sep 9, 2018.

  1. Clippy

    Clippy Canadian Hitler

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    Hey guys - I got thinking of Episode 9. I'm not hyped at all. 7 left us on a cliffhanger with many possibilities - 8 let us down and shut down many avenues and left no hooks at all. What is episode 9 even going to be about? I'm sure lots of us are scratching our heads.

    Let's try to come up with episode 9 ideas and see which land when this movie hits theaters.

    I'll go first - tell me what you think:

    ------------------------Clippy's Episode 9 rough draft--------------------

    We show the rebel forces on the Millennium Falcon .... all 12 of them.

    Many illustrious shots of the ship, so many shots of all angles - it's like a porno shoot or something.

    Rebels all talk about the dire situation.

    Poe - What are we going to do? We're so few. It's us 12 vs THE UNIVERSE

    Finn comes out in a tizzy

    Finn - Leia's dead

    Poe ..... 11 of us

    Rey - We can do this guys. I have the force. I'm basically the most powerful Jedi ever and I read these books so hard.

    Finn - I mean .. I don't see why not - someone should lead us.

    Blue hair lady - I am the leader

    Poe - Who ... are you?

    Blue Hair lady - I have the most seniority and I am a powerful woman

    Finn - Ummmm... can you tell us about your character?

    Blue Hair Laduy - I am a strong woman

    Poe - Do you have ... a name?

    Blue Hair - No I have blue hair ... I am a powerful woman

    Rey - She keeps saying the same thing is she some kind of robot?

    Blue Hair Lady - DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS! QUESTIONS ARE NOT ALLOWED I AM THE LEADER AND YOU ASK NO QUESTIONS

    --- cut to Kylo Ren

    Kylo - is it ready

    General Huxtable - the DEATH GALAXY IS READY

    Kylo - Yes ... an entire galaxy with a laser beam center AT MY DISPOSAL - DO YOU HEAR THAT HEADS?!??!?!

    Kylo talks to the heads of Darth Vader & Snoke

    Kylo - I'm SO GOOD!! LOOK AT ME!! NOTICE ME!!!!

    General Huxtable - This is weird.....

    Kylo reaches out to General Huxtable and his head explodes with the force and Kylo is soaked in blood and licks the blood off his face cause he's a full on psycho now.

    Kylo - I AM AWESOME!! I AM A MAN!!!!

    ---back to Falcon

    Blue Hair Lady - they built a death galaxy thing to kill us all or whatever

    Poe - OH NOES

    Blue Hair Lady - We got the plans somehow and we're going to drive the falcon into the center of it and blow up the thing that will etc etc

    Finn and Rose make out

    Finn - WOMEN ARE AWESOME! TRUE LOVE CONQUERS ALL!!!

    Rey - I need to take a shower

    Rey showers and suddenly sees Kylo in a room full of heads there were his officers. Kylo looks sexy but disheveled and is wearing the highest pants

    Kylo - You're getting water all over my sexy body

    Rey - I'm so turned on right now

    Kylo - DOn't fight it - you love me

    Rey - ok I'll be right over

    Rey packs an overnight bag and prepares to leave

    Blue Hair Lady - where you go?

    Rey - I'm leaving

    Blue Hair Lady - I command you to stay for I am a powerful woman

    Rey - fine

    Rey leaves and Rose shows up - I know how you can escape

    Rey - how

    Rose - just use that escape pod right there

    So anyway she meets with Kylo and there's this montage of them falling in love - rey gets knocked up hard

    Rey - I love you Kylo

    Kylo - You too!

    Rey - I'm so preggers with your force sensitive BABY

    Kylo - I know.

    They go on a date and the cracks start to form in their relationship

    Rey - no don't drive that way, cut through the Praxinninar galaxy!

    Kylo - But the dipedyveradoo galaxy is much shorter

    rey - pffffffffft

    Kylo - YOU ALWAYS TELL ME WHAT TO DO WHEN I'M DRIVING

    Rey - whatever I'm hungry

    Kylo - Where do you want to go?

    Rey - YOU PICK

    Kylo - NO YOU PICK

    REY - I AM TOO HUNGRY TO PICK

    Kylo - *sigh* SPace Wendys?

    Rey - NO YOU KNOW THE CHICKEN STRIPS MAKE ME GASSY

    Kylo - WELL DON'T GET THE STRIPS

    REY - DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO I AM A PREGNANT POWERFUL WOMAN

    KYLO - I'M CRASHING THE SHIP CAUSE I GOT THE MOOD SWINGS

    They crash on a planet

    --meanwhile

    Blue Hair Lady - let's go do the thing with the thing

    They approach DEATH GALAXY

    --meanwhile

    Kylo - WE SURVIVED THE CRASH with the FORCEEEEEEEEEeeee

    Rey - MY BABY IS SAFE ... also cause FORCE

    Kylo - FUCK IT LET'S FIGHT CAUSE I'M A CRAZY PERSON

    They bust out their light sabers!

    TWACK

    TWACK

    Glowing sticks hit each other constantly while loud music plays

    It's so dramatic - the passion of this horrible relationship

    Suddenly ghost Luke shows up.

    Luke: Rey ....

    Rey: LUKE?!?!?!?!?!? <DCWhoa>

    Luke : The Jedi ... need to end ... so just lay down and die. Come drink monster tit milk with me as a ghost.

    Rey .......

    Vader: I am so disappointed in you son.

    Luke: Daddy?!?!?

    Rey and Kylo continue to fight while ghost Vader and Luke fight as ghosts

    Suddenly a thunderbolt crash!

    Ghost Yoda appears!

    Yoda: HHHMHMMHM MMHMMHHMMHM ME FIGHT TOO ME FIGHT TOO

    Palps: Not so fast my little green friend!

    Ghosts of Yoda and Palps fight while Luke/Vader fight

    ----meanwhile

    Falcon blows up space weapon thing

    ---meanwhile

    Rey falls down

    Rey - BABY COMING NOW!!

    Kylo - OH no... I have to deliver a BABY!!! HELP ME EVERYONE!!!

    All the ghosts stop fighting because they each believe this baby will be important for whatever side they are on. They gather around Kylo and help him deliver a healthy baby girl

    Kyle - Look .... a baby girl of ours....

    Yoda - LOOK AT ALL THOSE MIDICLORIANS

    Rey - I'm dying

    Kyle -WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAT

    Rey - Child birth is right hard - gotta go

    Rey dies and vanishes into the force

    Kylo - OH NO KIDNEY FAILURE

    Kylo also dies and disappears

    ---meanwhile

    Finn --- I am getting a message from the force... we have to rescue a BABY

    Blue Hair Lady - IGNORE IT IT'S A TRAP

    Poe - ... we just won.

    Blue Hair Lady - I AM IN CHARGE

    Anyway they blow her out an airlock and get the baby

    R2D2 & C3PO

    C3P0 - no worries we got this. We'll raise this kid

    R2D2 - holds the baby BEEP BOOP BEEP BOOP BEEP BEEP BOOPERS

    Zoom in dramatically on the kid

    Roll credits
     
  2. VulcanNervPinch

    VulcanNervPinch Silver Belt

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    Can't read because I haven't seen 8 yet.


    But weren't you supposed to be working on more Infinity Wars and then a rewrite of Under Siege?
    Focus, Daniel-san!
     
  3. HomerThompson

    HomerThompson Banned Banned

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    I only read about a 1/3 of that. Good post, but far too long.
     
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  4. Aegon Spengler

    Aegon Spengler Gold Belt

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    I’d like to see the knights of Ren in the next movie and Rey bouncing around the galaxy trying to find the remaining students that Kylo didn’t kill. Kylo could be chasing her and then they bang.
     
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  5. Clippy

    Clippy Canadian Hitler

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    You sound lazier than Rain Johnson
     
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  6. LLD2008

    LLD2008 Green Belt

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    Rey beats everyone and acts all Mary Sue perfect again , the end. That's what will happen
     
  7. GearSolidMetal

    GearSolidMetal I'm here to chew bubblegum and bang your mom. Platinum Member

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    Can't wait for the porn parody.
     
  8. VulcanNervPinch

    VulcanNervPinch Silver Belt

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    [​IMG]
     
  9. yamahacrasher

    yamahacrasher Blue Belt

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    Tha was good, really made me laugh. But as a previous poster asked, WHERE THE HELL IS THE NEXT INFINITY WAR SCRIPT??
     
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  10. Clippy

    Clippy Canadian Hitler

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    Too much pressure I'm not sure I can perform

    The hype is too high
     
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  11. Fugazy

    Fugazy Aka Ferrari Houseshoes Double Yellow Card

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    This was awful, but I loved it.
     
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  12. supnmunm

    supnmunm Brown Belt

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    This is a damn masterpiece. Just when we thought Star Wars was done, he saves the entire franchise. Clippy bless.
     
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  13. BisexualMMA

    BisexualMMA Don't Put My Name in the Name of Steroids!

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    Green light dis bitch ASAP.
     
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  14. A.A. Riggs

    A.A. Riggs try that on Trish

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    I like the bit in the middle.
     
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  15. AlexDB9

    AlexDB9 Black Belt

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    Basically all I want is:

    *Opening scene looking over Luke’s cabin on the island*

    *Lukes lays in bed asleep*

    *Obi-Wan hovers over Luke*

    *Luke wakes up in a cold sweat*

    Luke: holy fuck Ben I juts had the fucking shittiest dream where all my history was fucked, my sister become Superman in Superman II and the sith is now some emo mellenial who can’t beat a Mary Sue with no training. Wait Ben there’s more there’s also a fat Asian chick and some stormtrooper who laments his fallen brothers who were brainwashed since being kids but seconds later blows them all to fuck with a smile! Oh hey Ben can you guys shoot lighting now?

    .....................

    Anyways let me go destroy some of these large mechanical metal things with my light sword

    *opening Star Wars scroll*
     
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  16. Clippy

    Clippy Canadian Hitler

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    Would like to hear from @Dragonlordxxxxx before I sell it to Disnee
     
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  17. Dragonlordxxxxx

    Dragonlordxxxxx Senior Moderator Staff Member Senior Moderator

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    Looking forward to reading it later, Clippy.
     
  18. TheLinguist

    TheLinguist Brown Belt

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    Not long enough but even so....INSTANT CLASSIC
     
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  19. Mr Mojo Lane

    Mr Mojo Lane Brown Belt

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    I think you just wrote Episode 9....if, and only if, the Blue Haired Lady approves
     
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  20. is normal

    is normal Brown Belt

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    Stopped reading at 'General Huxtable.' Even for me that's too silly.
    [​IMG]
     
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