Let's try to guess what will happen in Star Wars Episode 9 - I wrote a script!

[Clippy]

Hey guys - I got thinking of Episode 9. I'm not hyped at all. 7 left us on a cliffhanger with many possibilities - 8 let us down and shut down many avenues and left no hooks at all. What is episode 9 even going to be about? I'm sure lots of us are scratching our heads.

Let's try to come up with episode 9 ideas and see which land when this movie hits theaters.

I'll go first - tell me what you think:

------------------------Clippy's Episode 9 rough draft--------------------

We show the rebel forces on the Millennium Falcon .... all 12 of them.

Many illustrious shots of the ship, so many shots of all angles - it's like a porno shoot or something.

Rebels all talk about the dire situation.

Poe - What are we going to do? We're so few. It's us 12 vs THE UNIVERSE

Finn comes out in a tizzy

Finn - Leia's dead

Poe ..... 11 of us

Rey - We can do this guys. I have the force. I'm basically the most powerful Jedi ever and I read these books so hard.

Finn - I mean .. I don't see why not - someone should lead us.

Blue hair lady - I am the leader

Poe - Who ... are you?

Blue Hair lady - I have the most seniority and I am a powerful woman

Finn - Ummmm... can you tell us about your character?

Blue Hair Laduy - I am a strong woman

Poe - Do you have ... a name?

Blue Hair - No I have blue hair ... I am a powerful woman

Rey - She keeps saying the same thing is she some kind of robot?

Blue Hair Lady - DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS! QUESTIONS ARE NOT ALLOWED I AM THE LEADER AND YOU ASK NO QUESTIONS

--- cut to Kylo Ren

Kylo - is it ready

General Huxtable - the DEATH GALAXY IS READY

Kylo - Yes ... an entire galaxy with a laser beam center AT MY DISPOSAL - DO YOU HEAR THAT HEADS?!??!?!

Kylo talks to the heads of Darth Vader & Snoke

Kylo - I'm SO GOOD!! LOOK AT ME!! NOTICE ME!!!!

General Huxtable - This is weird.....

Kylo reaches out to General Huxtable and his head explodes with the force and Kylo is soaked in blood and licks the blood off his face cause he's a full on psycho now.

Kylo - I AM AWESOME!! I AM A MAN!!!!

---back to Falcon

Blue Hair Lady - they built a death galaxy thing to kill us all or whatever

Poe - OH NOES

Blue Hair Lady - We got the plans somehow and we're going to drive the falcon into the center of it and blow up the thing that will etc etc

Finn and Rose make out

Finn - WOMEN ARE AWESOME! TRUE LOVE CONQUERS ALL!!!

Rey - I need to take a shower

Rey showers and suddenly sees Kylo in a room full of heads there were his officers. Kylo looks sexy but disheveled and is wearing the highest pants

Kylo - You're getting water all over my sexy body

Rey - I'm so turned on right now

Kylo - DOn't fight it - you love me

Rey - ok I'll be right over

Rey packs an overnight bag and prepares to leave

Blue Hair Lady - where you go?

Rey - I'm leaving

Blue Hair Lady - I command you to stay for I am a powerful woman

Rey - fine

Rey leaves and Rose shows up - I know how you can escape

Rey - how

Rose - just use that escape pod right there

So anyway she meets with Kylo and there's this montage of them falling in love - rey gets knocked up hard

Rey - I love you Kylo

Kylo - You too!

Rey - I'm so preggers with your force sensitive BABY

Kylo - I know.

They go on a date and the cracks start to form in their relationship

Rey - no don't drive that way, cut through the Praxinninar galaxy!

Kylo - But the dipedyveradoo galaxy is much shorter

rey - pffffffffft

Kylo - YOU ALWAYS TELL ME WHAT TO DO WHEN I'M DRIVING

Rey - whatever I'm hungry

Kylo - Where do you want to go?

Rey - YOU PICK

Kylo - NO YOU PICK

REY - I AM TOO HUNGRY TO PICK

Kylo - *sigh* SPace Wendys?

Rey - NO YOU KNOW THE CHICKEN STRIPS MAKE ME GASSY

Kylo - WELL DON'T GET THE STRIPS

REY - DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO I AM A PREGNANT POWERFUL WOMAN

KYLO - I'M CRASHING THE SHIP CAUSE I GOT THE MOOD SWINGS

They crash on a planet

--meanwhile

Blue Hair Lady - let's go do the thing with the thing

They approach DEATH GALAXY

--meanwhile

Kylo - WE SURVIVED THE CRASH with the FORCEEEEEEEEEeeee

Rey - MY BABY IS SAFE ... also cause FORCE

Kylo - FUCK IT LET'S FIGHT CAUSE I'M A CRAZY PERSON

They bust out their light sabers!

TWACK

TWACK

Glowing sticks hit each other constantly while loud music plays

It's so dramatic - the passion of this horrible relationship

Suddenly ghost Luke shows up.

Luke: Rey ....

Rey: LUKE?!?!?!?!?!?

Luke : The Jedi ... need to end ... so just lay down and die. Come drink monster tit milk with me as a ghost.

Rey .......

Vader: I am so disappointed in you son.

Luke: Daddy?!?!?

Rey and Kylo continue to fight while ghost Vader and Luke fight as ghosts

Suddenly a thunderbolt crash!

Ghost Yoda appears!

Yoda: HHHMHMMHM MMHMMHHMMHM ME FIGHT TOO ME FIGHT TOO

Palps: Not so fast my little green friend!

Ghosts of Yoda and Palps fight while Luke/Vader fight

----meanwhile

Falcon blows up space weapon thing

---meanwhile

Rey falls down

Rey - BABY COMING NOW!!

Kylo - OH no... I have to deliver a BABY!!! HELP ME EVERYONE!!!

All the ghosts stop fighting because they each believe this baby will be important for whatever side they are on. They gather around Kylo and help him deliver a healthy baby girl

Kyle - Look .... a baby girl of ours....

Yoda - LOOK AT ALL THOSE MIDICLORIANS

Rey - I'm dying

Kyle -WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAT

Rey - Child birth is right hard - gotta go

Rey dies and vanishes into the force

Kylo - OH NO KIDNEY FAILURE

Kylo also dies and disappears

---meanwhile

Finn --- I am getting a message from the force... we have to rescue a BABY

Blue Hair Lady - IGNORE IT IT'S A TRAP

Poe - ... we just won.

Blue Hair Lady - I AM IN CHARGE

Anyway they blow her out an airlock and get the baby

R2D2 & C3PO

C3P0 - no worries we got this. We'll raise this kid

R2D2 - holds the baby BEEP BOOP BEEP BOOP BEEP BEEP BOOPERS

Zoom in dramatically on the kid

Roll credits

 

[VulcanNervPinch]

Can't read because I haven't seen 8 yet.


But weren't you supposed to be working on more Infinity Wars and then a rewrite of Under Siege?
Focus, Daniel-san!

 

[HomerThompson]

I only read about a 1/3 of that. Good post, but far too long.

 

[Aegon Spengler]

I’d like to see the knights of Ren in the next movie and Rey bouncing around the galaxy trying to find the remaining students that Kylo didn’t kill. Kylo could be chasing her and then they bang.

 

[Clippy]

I only read about a 1/3 of that. Good post, but far too long.

You sound lazier than Rain Johnson

 

[LLD2008]

Rey beats everyone and acts all Mary Sue perfect again , the end. That's what will happen

 

[GearSolidMetal]

Can't wait for the porn parody.

 

[VulcanNervPinch]

Can't wait for the porn parody.

 

[yamahacrasher]

Tha was good, really made me laugh. But as a previous poster asked, WHERE THE HELL IS THE NEXT INFINITY WAR SCRIPT??

 

[Clippy]

Tha was good, really made me laugh. But as a previous poster asked, WHERE THE HELL IS THE NEXT INFINITY WAR SCRIPT??

Too much pressure I'm not sure I can perform

The hype is too high

 

[Fugazy]

This was awful, but I loved it.

 

[supnmunm]

This is a damn masterpiece. Just when we thought Star Wars was done, he saves the entire franchise. Clippy bless.

 

[BisexualMMA]

Green light dis bitch ASAP.

 

[minute bull]

I like the bit in the middle.

 

[AlexDB9]

Basically all I want is:

*Opening scene looking over Luke’s cabin on the island*

*Lukes lays in bed asleep*

*Obi-Wan hovers over Luke*

*Luke wakes up in a cold sweat*

Luke: holy fuck Ben I juts had the fucking shittiest dream where all my history was fucked, my sister become Superman in Superman II and the sith is now some emo mellenial who can’t beat a Mary Sue with no training. Wait Ben there’s more there’s also a fat Asian chick and some stormtrooper who laments his fallen brothers who were brainwashed since being kids but seconds later blows them all to fuck with a smile! Oh hey Ben can you guys shoot lighting now?

.....................

Anyways let me go destroy some of these large mechanical metal things with my light sword

*opening Star Wars scroll*

 

[Clippy]

Green light dis bitch ASAP.

Would like to hear from @Dragonlordxxxxx before I sell it to Disnee

 

[Dragonlordxxxxx]

Would like to hear from @Dragonlordxxxxx before I sell it to Disnee

Looking forward to reading it later, Clippy.

 

[TheLinguist]

Not long enough but even so....INSTANT CLASSIC

 

[Mr Mojo Lane]

I think you just wrote Episode 9....if, and only if, the Blue Haired Lady approves

 

[is normal]

Stopped reading at 'General Huxtable.' Even for me that's too silly.