I went to a evengalist revival under the influence.. I think I got forced converted.

Discussion in 'Mayberry Lounge' started by AgonyandIrony, Aug 6, 2015.

  1. AgonyandIrony

    AgonyandIrony Gold Belt

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    Alright Mayberrians, here's an interesting story. I meet this girl one day, she's short, big ass, intelligent looking and a musician so we hit it off. We start dating and stuff, and come to find out she's a hardcore, from Louisiana, home schooled, evangelical Christian who went to Oral Roberts University. She's been a missionary in both Brazil and India, so she's pretty cool considering her beliefs.

    She's a virgin, but does butt stuff and all sorts of weird shit so you know me. I've stuck around for a bit. Also she cooks, and I enjoy that.

    One day she dragged me to church with her family, and it was quite weird. At the end of the sermon they made everyone bow their head and asked if anybody there didn't have jesus in their heart. I was being a bit of a smart ass so I raised my hand, thinking no one could see me (you motherfuckers supposed to have your head bowed) and I hear the pastor guy call me to come down, and these fucking cameras point on me, lights, and I feel her dad put her hand on my shoulder and say "Don't worry. I'll walk with you." Now. I'm fucking confused, and in a terrifyingly awkward situation. I keep wanting to put my p in her a and this was in South Tulsa, a long way away from my home. So I walk the aisle, I get up there, and guy keeps thanking me for accepting Jesus in my heart and the whole congregation prays for me. Then they send me off to a little room.

    I'm fucking flabbergasted at the mess I got myself into, and her dad is there the whole time, and in this room they make me say things like "Jesus is cool" essentially. Then. They start speaking in fucking tongues and try to get me to do it. I just stand there blushing, and they get someone else to try and get me to do it, and nope, most embarrassing moment of my life. Eventually they kind of give up and pray for me and her parents seem cool with me.

    Cue a few weeks later, She says she's taking me to this international event.. doesn't really give me a choice. Says she'll buy me a few drinks at open mic night where I do some stand up material if I go, so I say okay, she says it's a revival and I just say "cool." because to be fair, the blowjobs are plentiful and I won't turn down a free drink.

    Cue the weirdest fucking event of my life. Right before she picks me up, I'm smoking weed like I just got off parole. Just bong rip after bong rip. Listening to the weeknd, feeling good on my day off, ensuring this time won't be wasted. Anyway, we get there and I'm blazed like the WTC. Turns out a revival is where some dude in a southern accent yells at us for two hours about four sentences in the bible and they periodically play calming music and ask for money.

    Then near the end (and they ran like two hours fucking late) the pastor starts speaking in tongues and EVERYONE starts speaking in tongues and raising their hands and dancing like white people and I just stood there like a boyfriend in a bad part of Detroit. Nothing I could do but watch in confused horror.

    People were spinning in circles and the church played music louder and louder (I swear there was a chant track in the background) and people started sobbing. It was terrible. The preacher calms everyone down and starts calling on people to get healed.

    Shit like "If your eye hurts come down" or "If your mouth is uncontrollably dry when you go to bed come down" weird shit like that. Then he put his hand on them and they fell down in the most hilarious of manners. Christian chick I'm sodomizing's mom even goes up there and gets smacked to the ground. The best part is how they laid there in the most awkward positions like they just got World Starred (not a single EMT around oddly enough) until they all got back up in time to sing a song for Jesus and then go home.

    I literally can't think of a weirder experience in my life. Shit was straight cultish.

    TL: DR

    Buttfunning a christian girl
    converted without my consent
    have to keep pretending I'm christian to continue said buttfunning
    see people have seizures and cry and talk in tongues
    high the whole time

    Anyone ever witnessed this craziness?
     
  2. Viva

    Viva Thanks Cody Parkey!

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    Yep definitely too much work for a blowie and some butt play.

    That sounds hellish.

    And that's a hell of a story for 5am brotha.
     
  3. AgonyandIrony

    AgonyandIrony Gold Belt

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    She's a nice enough girl, and since introducing her into my social circle it has like five girls fighting over me at once so I'm enjoying the benefits. I find it strange that she can take it in the butt but not the poon. She's saving that until marriage.

    I drank a pitcher of red bull and vodka earlier so I'm wide awake with blurred vision bruh.
     
  4. Viva

    Viva Thanks Cody Parkey!

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    I've never understood that mindset, not that I'm scoffing or anything, because obvs buttplay is better than no play.

    But can you really hold onto that sanctified feeling when in reality you take it in the backdoor like Asa Akira. Their god probably ain't down with that.

    Damn, that sounds tasty. Actually sounds like a lotta heartburn.
     
  5. AgonyandIrony

    AgonyandIrony Gold Belt

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    I don't get it either. She's hella into BDSM stuff and is pretty cool, despite the fact she's not allowed to come out to the bars with me anymore because I drink heavily/do drugs, and she feels like giving me all the details like reading the minutes to a G.R.O.S.S. meeting.

    But every time she comes out I do get to enjoy those girls competing for my attention, fucking me behind each others backs, so I'll keep doing that until it blows up in my face.

    I drink so much red bull in my line of work that it doesn't fuck with me, I just brought the staff dinner and they wanted to show their appreciation.
     
  6. Viva

    Viva Thanks Cody Parkey!

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  7. Ruprecht

    Ruprecht Hands Of The Judges Staff Member Senior Moderator

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    I don't believe you.
    Yes, I've been there.
     
  8. Harmonica

    Harmonica Strong, silent type

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    A true believer...one that doesn't hold on to her virginity for the sake of purity but for the sake of appearances because she is afraid of being stigmatized. Pathetic...
     
  9. RoryFan

    RoryFan Wears Hats

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    Thanks, I needed a giggle this morning.
     
  10. seatea

    seatea Black belt in Shotacon karate.

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    An evangelist who is also a hypocrite!? I am shocked.
     
  11. phipps66

    phipps66 Purple Belt

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    Very good morning story. I very close to a similar situation. I resisted the "altar call" each time. Didn't really comfortable. Long story short we broke up, I'm married to someone else now. Thanks for the read. Pics?
     
  12. chubbman

    chubbman Yellow Card

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    Your dick must stink
     
  13. HelloJapan

    HelloJapan Talking loud and saying nothing. Platinum Member

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  14. RoryFan

    RoryFan Wears Hats

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    Were you tempted to pretend like you had been possessed by the vengeful spirit of the holy ghost?
     
  15. Irenaeus

    Irenaeus Black Belt

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    I've certainly made some compromises to be with girls in the past, but I don't think I would to that. I hope not, at least.

    In a weird way, this reminded me of my BJJ instructors story of going to an aikido training. The aikido instructor grabbed his wrist, and everyone stood still being socially awkward until he couldn't take it any more and flopped to the ground out of sheer cringeworthy anguish. We're definitely a highly social species.
     
  16. MortalWombat

    MortalWombat Vombatus Sherdoggus

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    Well that's quite a tale.
     
  17. Chesten_Hesten

    Chesten_Hesten The Wiener of Steel

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    Come for the prayer, stay for the butt sex! Did you get to dance with some snakes at least?

    [no I didn't read all that, sorry]
     
  18. Medusas Weave

    Medusas Weave Blue Belt

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    Girl in question
    [​IMG]
     
  19. wlu29

    wlu29 Banned Banned

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    I'm glad someone said it
     
  20. wlu29

    wlu29 Banned Banned

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    99% made up I'm sure
     

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