- Joined
- Oct 22, 2009
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Alright Mayberrians, here's an interesting story. I meet this girl one day, she's short, big ass, intelligent looking and a musician so we hit it off. We start dating and stuff, and come to find out she's a hardcore, from Louisiana, home schooled, evangelical Christian who went to Oral Roberts University. She's been a missionary in both Brazil and India, so she's pretty cool considering her beliefs.
She's a virgin, but does butt stuff and all sorts of weird shit so you know me. I've stuck around for a bit. Also she cooks, and I enjoy that.
One day she dragged me to church with her family, and it was quite weird. At the end of the sermon they made everyone bow their head and asked if anybody there didn't have jesus in their heart. I was being a bit of a smart ass so I raised my hand, thinking no one could see me (you motherfuckers supposed to have your head bowed) and I hear the pastor guy call me to come down, and these fucking cameras point on me, lights, and I feel her dad put her hand on my shoulder and say "Don't worry. I'll walk with you." Now. I'm fucking confused, and in a terrifyingly awkward situation. I keep wanting to put my p in her a and this was in South Tulsa, a long way away from my home. So I walk the aisle, I get up there, and guy keeps thanking me for accepting Jesus in my heart and the whole congregation prays for me. Then they send me off to a little room.
I'm fucking flabbergasted at the mess I got myself into, and her dad is there the whole time, and in this room they make me say things like "Jesus is cool" essentially. Then. They start speaking in fucking tongues and try to get me to do it. I just stand there blushing, and they get someone else to try and get me to do it, and nope, most embarrassing moment of my life. Eventually they kind of give up and pray for me and her parents seem cool with me.
Cue a few weeks later, She says she's taking me to this international event.. doesn't really give me a choice. Says she'll buy me a few drinks at open mic night where I do some stand up material if I go, so I say okay, she says it's a revival and I just say "cool." because to be fair, the blowjobs are plentiful and I won't turn down a free drink.
Cue the weirdest fucking event of my life. Right before she picks me up, I'm smoking weed like I just got off parole. Just bong rip after bong rip. Listening to the weeknd, feeling good on my day off, ensuring this time won't be wasted. Anyway, we get there and I'm blazed like the WTC. Turns out a revival is where some dude in a southern accent yells at us for two hours about four sentences in the bible and they periodically play calming music and ask for money.
Then near the end (and they ran like two hours fucking late) the pastor starts speaking in tongues and EVERYONE starts speaking in tongues and raising their hands and dancing like white people and I just stood there like a boyfriend in a bad part of Detroit. Nothing I could do but watch in confused horror.
People were spinning in circles and the church played music louder and louder (I swear there was a chant track in the background) and people started sobbing. It was terrible. The preacher calms everyone down and starts calling on people to get healed.
Shit like "If your eye hurts come down" or "If your mouth is uncontrollably dry when you go to bed come down" weird shit like that. Then he put his hand on them and they fell down in the most hilarious of manners. Christian chick I'm sodomizing's mom even goes up there and gets smacked to the ground. The best part is how they laid there in the most awkward positions like they just got World Starred (not a single EMT around oddly enough) until they all got back up in time to sing a song for Jesus and then go home.
I literally can't think of a weirder experience in my life. Shit was straight cultish.
TL: DR
Buttfunning a christian girl
converted without my consent
have to keep pretending I'm christian to continue said buttfunning
see people have seizures and cry and talk in tongues
high the whole time
Anyone ever witnessed this craziness?
She's a virgin, but does butt stuff and all sorts of weird shit so you know me. I've stuck around for a bit. Also she cooks, and I enjoy that.
One day she dragged me to church with her family, and it was quite weird. At the end of the sermon they made everyone bow their head and asked if anybody there didn't have jesus in their heart. I was being a bit of a smart ass so I raised my hand, thinking no one could see me (you motherfuckers supposed to have your head bowed) and I hear the pastor guy call me to come down, and these fucking cameras point on me, lights, and I feel her dad put her hand on my shoulder and say "Don't worry. I'll walk with you." Now. I'm fucking confused, and in a terrifyingly awkward situation. I keep wanting to put my p in her a and this was in South Tulsa, a long way away from my home. So I walk the aisle, I get up there, and guy keeps thanking me for accepting Jesus in my heart and the whole congregation prays for me. Then they send me off to a little room.
I'm fucking flabbergasted at the mess I got myself into, and her dad is there the whole time, and in this room they make me say things like "Jesus is cool" essentially. Then. They start speaking in fucking tongues and try to get me to do it. I just stand there blushing, and they get someone else to try and get me to do it, and nope, most embarrassing moment of my life. Eventually they kind of give up and pray for me and her parents seem cool with me.
Cue a few weeks later, She says she's taking me to this international event.. doesn't really give me a choice. Says she'll buy me a few drinks at open mic night where I do some stand up material if I go, so I say okay, she says it's a revival and I just say "cool." because to be fair, the blowjobs are plentiful and I won't turn down a free drink.
Cue the weirdest fucking event of my life. Right before she picks me up, I'm smoking weed like I just got off parole. Just bong rip after bong rip. Listening to the weeknd, feeling good on my day off, ensuring this time won't be wasted. Anyway, we get there and I'm blazed like the WTC. Turns out a revival is where some dude in a southern accent yells at us for two hours about four sentences in the bible and they periodically play calming music and ask for money.
Then near the end (and they ran like two hours fucking late) the pastor starts speaking in tongues and EVERYONE starts speaking in tongues and raising their hands and dancing like white people and I just stood there like a boyfriend in a bad part of Detroit. Nothing I could do but watch in confused horror.
People were spinning in circles and the church played music louder and louder (I swear there was a chant track in the background) and people started sobbing. It was terrible. The preacher calms everyone down and starts calling on people to get healed.
Shit like "If your eye hurts come down" or "If your mouth is uncontrollably dry when you go to bed come down" weird shit like that. Then he put his hand on them and they fell down in the most hilarious of manners. Christian chick I'm sodomizing's mom even goes up there and gets smacked to the ground. The best part is how they laid there in the most awkward positions like they just got World Starred (not a single EMT around oddly enough) until they all got back up in time to sing a song for Jesus and then go home.
I literally can't think of a weirder experience in my life. Shit was straight cultish.
TL: DR
Buttfunning a christian girl
converted without my consent
have to keep pretending I'm christian to continue said buttfunning
see people have seizures and cry and talk in tongues
high the whole time
Anyone ever witnessed this craziness?
