My best friend Frans is my one true friend and he is the only person outside of my previous therapist who I have told him things I have felt and or thought that I wouldn't dare tell anyone else. We both are honest with each other and call each other out our bullshit. Outside of him I do have a few close friends: Andrew, Bill, Gavin, Igor, and Jay. Bill and Gavin live near me everyone else do not. Everyone I met is due to our mutual love of heavy metal and especially Metallica with Frans and myself since that band is our favorite. Outside of that everyone else is just acquaintances. While we all talk I rarely get together with Bill or Gavin and the times we usually do see each other is at local shows we all usually go to.
I myself have a very lonely life. I shall be 40 in February and I've been single for years now. I had a very brutal breakup with my ex-fiance years ago. At that time I had another best friend who I cannot bring myself to name came up to me wracked with guilt to admit my fiance Laura and him were having an affair. I am no longer friends with him and I do not know what he is doing with life right now and Laura last I heard she got knocked up by some Pakistani immigrant who works at a gas station.Never had a real stable relationship in my life save for Laura which if she cheated on me with my best friend who knows how faithful she was before that so really was my relationship with her stable or stable because she kept shit from me. We did get back together once a few years ago. Went out to dinner, I said what I had to say, she said what she had to say. We both left and had one last sexual encounter and that was the last time we ever spoke or saw each other.
I've been dealing with major depression since childhood due to being born with Noonan Syndrome, having health issues growing up (2 open hearts at 2 and 12, seizures (seizure free now), leg surgeries and other shit) and being sexually abused by two family members from the ages of 7 to 12. Drug problems and especially heroin starting in my mid teens and not getting a proper grip of it until 2013 when I was 29. I've also hung myself in 2003, overdosed too many times to remember but now those days are over thankfully. The only thing I am worried about is my depression. I have noticed over the past 2 and half years that I've become more apathetic towards things, more angry and have become disinterested a lot of the time in activities that give me pleasure not to mention had thoughts that any sane person wouldn't have. Going to probably see about talking to someone again. It is one thing talking to your friends about your personal problems but it is another when it is your therapist. There are some thoughts in my head that I STILL to this day cannot bring myself to therapist. The day I can finally get that out of my fucking mind I'll be happy but for now it stays in the room deep in my brain.
Sorry for ramblings but I ate an edible earlier and I feel good and talkative