First date horror stories

[Bukowski82]

about 10 years ago I met this girl at the bar I tended. She was a gorgeous blonde with a body like Trish Stratus. She gives me her number and I'm excited because I've seen her in the bar on many occasions. play it off like its no big deal and she asked me to call her after the bar. So I close and about 3 a.m. I call her. She invites me over to her house. We end up drinking and at some point we go to her bedroom. I wake up about 7 a.m...


At some point in the night, her water bed sprung a leak. Only she didn't have a water bed. at some point I had managed to put my boxers on in the night. Im on my back. I feel my junk and its dry but the sides of my boxers are very wet. She pissed this bed like she had the bladder the size of a dairy cow. I rolled out of the bed as if I was a special ops soldier. I collected my clothes and gingerly crept to her bathroom. Then the fact that I was covered in whiz made me take a shower regardless of whether or not I may wake her. I finished, threw my boxers in her trash and left her a note on her counter. "Hey I had a great time. Fyi I didnt pee the bed. My boxers were dry in the crotch. Call me."

Suprisingly, I never heard from her.

Hahahah "Fyi, I didn't pee in your bed..."

Fucking classic!

 

[lowsingle]

Had to come back to this thread. I'm in a cafe right now, and a guy is flaming out right before my eyes. First, he apparently met a college girl, and he's talking about his job as a dishwasher and how he doesn't know anything about college or if its for him. This is followed by blank pauses and such, rather than a damn good plan B. To make sure she got the idea that he is a well-rounded loser, he says, "I suck at sports. All sports. Any sport you can name, I suck at it."

We're in the long pauses of death stage as we speak.

omg...

EDIT:

Wow, somehow this guy is righting the ship. This is like some Anderson/Sonnen I shit. Epic comeback. Don't know if he's going to pull it off, but it's headed that way....lol..

hahahah i love the live pbp

 

[Bukowski82]

mission accomplished

at great costs. fuck i just sat through like 3 hours of my little pony and the whole pixar movie, rio. i just sat in the back drinking. they acted like giving 9 year olds. they spent of the time giggling and breathing in helium to make funny voices. i wanted to shoot myself in the face. sometime during this, they started taking facebook pictures, but i avoided them out of fear of future embarrassment. to cheer me up, one girl told me she draws her friends as ponies and could draw me. i sarcastically said (in the voice of mac from always sunny), "yeah but to represent my muscular godlike physique, you'd have to draw me as a badass dragon"... THEN SHE FUCKING DID. SHE GOT A SKETCHPAD AND SPENT LIKE 30 MINUTES ON IT (will post tomorrow).

finally the fat weird girls left so it was just me and the hot ones. they told me to sleep on the couch,while they shared the bed. after like 10 minutes, the 8 came out and climbed on me. we made out and she went back in the room. at this point i was like "wtf that's it?" and started walking past the bedroom to leave

as i was walking past, i decided fuck it. so i just went and climbed in the middle, expecting to be kicked out. the 8 started pulling my shirt off, and well it started escalating while the 7 laid next to us, rubbing my back. i started making out with her and groping her but she didnt let me get it in. so i fucked the 8 while the 7 kissed me and i groped her

now I'm back on the couch (i could imagine it turning really awkward in there, very quickly), trying to decide if I'm sober enough to drive home

Nice!

 

[lowsingle]

A few years ago I had a date with a nice Italian chick in a city about 20 minutes away so I put on a white dress shirt and got in my mom's car to meet up with her.

Right when I was driving through a construction on the autobahn I got the heaviest nosebleeds ever in my life, fucking fountains of blood shooting out my nose.
Obviously I didn't wanna bleed on my fancy white shirt but since I was in a construction there were no shoulders to stop and I had cars behind me and I was running late.

I was holding my head down, barely seeing the road in front of me, trying to collect all the blood in the palm of my hand so I could kinda "throw" it on the ground when my palm was full, lol.
I was driving stick-shift so after a minute of this shit the inside of my mom's car looked like I slaughtered a pig in there.
By some miracle I managed to keep my shirt clean though lol.

When I arrived in the city, still bleeding, I just went into the first parking structure so I had some time to clean myself up. What I didn't see in my hurry was that it closed at midnight, so when I returned at 4am I had to call the facility manager for him to open it for 50 euro.
When I told the chick she was like "why didn't you tell me, you could have stayed at my place".

tl;dr:
Fuck my life.

daaamn and women say we don't try enough, you were bleeding everywhere and your main focus was to look nice for her lmao

 

[Tentacle]

My friend had probably one of the worst dates ever. This shit is rather extreme and I promised my friend to never tell anyone but since this is on a anonymous forum I think it is ok.

My friend, me and this girl went to the same program at UNI living in one of the biigest UNI towns in Northern Europe. As you can imagine northern european students, especially we swedes can drink. My friend we can call him Martin had been flirting with this girl(let's call her Anna) for some time before and after our lectures, we had also been partying a few times with her crew. So, finally they decided to have a dinner at Martin's place. After that they were to join the rest of us taking the same course at dorm party where we were celebrating midexams.

A hour or so after the dorm party started they arrived and it seemed like the dinner date was succesfull. When they arrived we started drinking heavily - we were engaging in various forms of drinking games. Drank...alot.

One everyone were comfortable drunk(or less comfortable) we moved on, all 40 people, to a student nightclub were the madness continued. A common friend of me and Martin broke his hand after falling down a stair. Pretty soon I felt I had enough and went on a drunken bike voyage home. My friend however was lucky and went home with the girl. According to Martin their interaction was all electric. When they arrived they went straight to bed and the clothes were taking off quickly. Anna said she was just going to the bathroom for a few minutes. I dunno why girls do that but I guess they do that to check the pussy smell etc. Anyway when she got back they started making out again and now all clothes were taken off again. In a few minutes my friend puked on her vagina. End of story.

 

[Strychnine]

This was eons ago...

I was 20-ish and picking up some supplies before I took them back to my dorm room. The female at the checkout was cute as anything you could imagine. Petite, small frame, bodonkadonk butt, and breasts that went POW! I'm paying for my stuff with a check and I say "aw man, that was my last one." She says smiling "Yeah, you can always tell by the numbers".

I ask her out and we set up a date on Friday night, this was around Tuesday evening. Now I work at the pharmacy and on Thursday morning, guess who shows up for a refill on her birth-control... Yup, her! I was like...

Skipping ahead to when we're alone after the date she's like "You're pretty confident you're going to score, huh?" I'm like...

We dated for a bit, but things went south fast once her childs' father came back into the picture, baby-daddy-drama riled up, our relationship went sour and I bailed.

 

[ClubFoot]

My friend had probably one of the worst dates ever. This shit is rather extreme and I promised my friend to never tell anyone but since this is on a anonymous forum I think it is ok.

My friend, me and this girl went to the same program at UNI living in one of the biigest UNI towns in Northern Europe. As you can imagine northern european students, especially we swedes can drink. My friend we can call him Martin had been flirting with this girl(let's call her Anna) for some time before and after our lectures, we had also been partying a few times with her crew. So, finally they decided to have a dinner at Martin's place. After that they were to join the rest of us taking the same course at dorm party where we were celebrating midexams.

A hour or so after the dorm party started they arrived and it seemed like the dinner date was succesfull. When they arrived we started drinking heavily - we were engaging in various forms of drinking games. Drank...alot.

One everyone were comfortable drunk(or less comfortable) we moved on, all 40 people, to a student nightclub were the madness continued. A common friend of me and Martin broke his hand after falling down a stair. Pretty soon I felt I had enough and went on a drunken bike voyage home. My friend however was lucky and went home with the girl. According to Martin their interaction was all electric. When they arrived they went straight to bed and the clothes were taking off quickly. Anna said she was just going to the bathroom for a few minutes. I dunno why girls do that but I guess they do that to check the pussy smell etc. Anyway when she got back they started making out again and now all clothes were taken off again. In a few minutes my friend puked on her vagina. End of story.

Standard, my friend did that on a first date too, because the odour was so bad down there + the boooze

 

[equus]

I've posted this story a few times over the years. I'll try to give an abridged version.

a few years ago I went out of town for a softball tournament with some friends of mine to stay at another friends who had moved to a different city. we were going to play in the tournament with him. so we get into town Friday evening after work and we go to a bar. Beforehand we had agreed whoever pulled a girl out of the bar would get one of the bedrooms in the basement of our friends house where we were all staying. so myself and one other friend each hook up with girls and head back to the house with the rest of our teammates. in short order I'm in one of the bedrooms getting hot and heavy with this random girl. after a bit, I have to go to the bathroom. the bathroom was directly connected to this bedroom. So I attempt to pee in the dark but its not working out very well so I flip on the light and as I'm peeing I realize something has gone wrong. (again I'm going to be vague here because Grossout posts are not taken lightly on Sherdog and I don't want dubbs.you can figure it out) I go back into the bedroom and flip on the light and immediately start screaming at this girl, berating her thinking this was her issue and at the same time my nose started bleeding again.

quite often in the summer time when the dry air hits I have major nosebleeds theat go for long periods of time. Immediately my friends come running into the bedroom and see me standing there buck naked looking like Patrick Bateman. she freaks out grabs her clothes and go sprinting out of the house naked while my friends are laughing harder than anyone I've ever seen in my life. The following day I had to buy a new bedspread and pillowcases and was forever banned from my friends house by his wife. We won the softball tournament though.

 

[Zezima]

nice one m8!

and btw are you zezima of runescape? lmao

Maybe who knows?

 

[Kadafi]

bump

 

[nhbbear]

This is not me, but he guy I worked with for quite a few years. He goes out with the girl that lives a few house down from his parents house. He goes out and ends back at her place. He goes to the bathroom to fart, and craps his pants. So he throws his underwear out the window. But they get stuck in the tree outside the window. So he has to see the underwear in the tree for weeks. Date did not go well.

 

[gigantalor]

Decided to ask my friend's wife's sister out on a date back in the early 90's. We had Mexican food and I ordered the bean plate special since I was kinda strapped for cash at the time.

Got back to my friends house where she rented a room and low and behold her parents and older brother were there visiting. I sit on the big leather couch next to her and suddenly my stomach starts to rumbles and groan. There is no stopping the gas that is forming in my bowels so I try to cover the noise by scooting my ass on the couch...It kinda covers the noise but unfortunately the smell can't be concealed.

I excuse myself to the bathroom which is a total of about five feet away from where they are all sitting. I turn on the water faucet to full power hoping the running water just might cover up what I know is coming. I sit on the pot and carefully try to pass the conglomeration that has formed in my guts but it's of no use.... I blast out the loudest most obnoxious cacophony of rectal contents you could imagine.

From outside I hear her father say, "What the hell?" and her brother laughing while the mother said, "Shhhh you will hurt his feelings."

Knowing the gig was up I just plowed on through the rest of my dump knowing that any dignity I might have had was gone. The exiting of the bathroom was the biggest walk of shame I have ever taken and once I had returned to my seat the stench decided to follow me out like an old loyal dog.

It was our first and last date.

This one almost had me in tears.

 

[nomoremondays]

Some great stories here.
It amazes me how many adults still seemingly pee and shit their beds and pants.

 

[neverwas]

Asked a girl out to dinner,she surprised me and said yes,real nice girl,tall slim the sort you want to be with.anyway we go to dinner at an indian restaurant and I'm nervous as hell,she's cool as and orders her food,I ordered plain type of food as I didn't like spicey food at the time.while eating I'm trying to cut a pice of chicken and it won't go,so I put a bit more effort into it.still not cutting the chicken.
So I finally get pissed off with this chicken I can't cut and really put some force int it,so what happens next is I launch the pice of chicken and all the peas off the plate and all over her.i jump up to try and help clear up the mess and promptly knock my pint into her lap,so the chicken hit her white top,I've chucked peas in her lap and to top it off I left her looking like she'd pissed her self.
Can't understand why she left me in the restaurant on my own.didn't get phone call either.

 

[Count Zero]

And to make matters worse, she got really weird and refused to acknowledge how creepy the situation was when I kept indirectly asking her wtf was going on...

Maybe she was being weird because she interpreted your behavior (indirectly asking instead of just coming out with it) as being weird. Just my interpretation, but I'm guessing she probably knows it's not common to have a place like that and was being "weird" because she assumed from the way you were hinting at it that you did not approve.

But anyway, I'm not sure if it counts as a "date" but I'll toss it out here. I've posted about it here before but it's a good fit for the thread ... and I might be getting some of my own details wrong, so I'll try to find my original post on it to see if I can self-corroborate everything.

Anyway, there's this chick I know. She had either been engaged or married to the brother of a guy I had been working with, but hadn't been for ... I dunno how long, but I'm thinking at least a couple months. She wound up working at that same place for a bit, so she hung out with a few of the folks I hung out with from work.

One night ... I don't remember anymore how we wound up hanging out, but I was at her place (a house she shared with her brother) after she'd gotten back from the bar. We're smoking up and watching one of the Friday the 13th movies. Now ... I have no shame in admitting that I have absolutely no game. I don't know how to put the moves on a lady. But somehow I stumbled onto the winning formula and we start messing around.

Eventually we take it from the couch back to her room. And, hrm ... I was about to sidestep the possibly more-interesting aspect of the story, but I'll leave it in. I wound up deciding I just did not want to have sex with this girl. I think it hit me when she said something to the effect that there would be "no strings attached" if we had sex. Don't get me wrong -- to this day I kinda wish I had slept with her (I wouldn't say I regret my decision -- don't feel bad about it or anything), but at the time I just wasn't into the idea of sex with someone who didn't want to get involved with me (and, hey, who knows if maybe we would have started dating after).

Anyway ... I wind up just going downtown, and when she was begging (literally) for the D, I just told her I was nervous and wasn't sure if we should be moving so fast (I wasn't lying, but that wasn't the main reason I didn't want to). We hang out for a bit, little bit of pillow talk, then I cut out. On my way home I decide to hit a gas station and get a Livewire (remember this). Now, this is where my memory is failing me, but doesn't change the ultimate arc of the story. I had either left my wallet or my phone back at her place.

So, I head back. I can't bang on the front door or ring the bell because her brother is asleep, and I think it might have been obvious what had gone on and I don't like to publicize. So I have to crawl behind some bushes to get up next to her window to tap on it. Eventually I get her up, retrieve my property, and I'm on my way. It's at this point I either successfully obtained my Livewire or I went home.

Either way -- after I get home, I go in the bathroom to clean up a bit before crashing out. I don't know how I hadn't noticed at the gas station, but I guess it was dark enough even under street lights in my car to not see the blood on my face and fingers.

I had gone into a gas station at around 3am (give or take an hour) covered in blood, casual as fuck, and the clerk didn't even seem to notice. I was a stoned, half-black (other half korean, if it adds to the story) guy with dreadlocks crawling around in some bushes, with my face and hands covered in blood, at around 3am. The best/worst part is that if some cop(s) had stopped me when crawling around in the bushes, that was before I realized I was covered in blood.

I'm sure hilarity would have ensued. Hilarity and me probably getting shot.

 

[bagsoftea]

Maybe she was being weird because she interpreted your behavior (indirectly asking instead of just coming out with it) as being weird. Just my interpretation, but I'm guessing she probably knows it's not common to have a place like that and was being "weird" because she assumed from the way you were hinting at it that you did not approve.

But anyway, I'm not sure if it counts as a "date" but I'll toss it out here. I've posted about it here before but it's a good fit for the thread ... and I might be getting some of my own details wrong, so I'll try to find my original post on it to see if I can self-corroborate everything.

Anyway, there's this chick I know. She had either been engaged or married to the brother of a guy I had been working with, but hadn't been for ... I dunno how long, but I'm thinking at least a couple months. She wound up working at that same place for a bit, so she hung out with a few of the folks I hung out with from work.

One night ... I don't remember anymore how we wound up hanging out, but I was at her place (a house she shared with her brother) after she'd gotten back from the bar. We're smoking up and watching one of the Friday the 13th movies. Now ... I have no shame in admitting that I have absolutely no game. I don't know how to put the moves on a lady. But somehow I stumbled onto the winning formula and we start messing around.

Eventually we take it from the couch back to her room. And, hrm ... I was about to sidestep the possibly more-interesting aspect of the story, but I'll leave it in. I wound up deciding I just did not want to have sex with this girl. I think it hit me when she said something to the effect that there would be "no strings attached" if we had sex. Don't get me wrong -- to this day I kinda wish I had slept with her (I wouldn't say I regret my decision -- don't feel bad about it or anything), but at the time I just wasn't into the idea of sex with someone who didn't want to get involved with me (and, hey, who knows if maybe we would have started dating after).

Anyway ... I wind up just going downtown, and when she was begging (literally) for the D, I just told her I was nervous and wasn't sure if we should be moving so fast (I wasn't lying, but that wasn't the main reason I didn't want to). We hang out for a bit, little bit of pillow talk, then I cut out. On my way home I decide to hit a gas station and get a Livewire (remember this). Now, this is where my memory is failing me, but doesn't change the ultimate arc of the story. I had either left my wallet or my phone back at her place.

So, I head back. I can't bang on the front door or ring the bell because her brother is asleep, and I think it might have been obvious what had gone on and I don't like to publicize. So I have to crawl behind some bushes to get up next to her window to tap on it. Eventually I get her up, retrieve my property, and I'm on my way. It's at this point I either successfully obtained my Livewire or I went home.

Either way -- after I get home, I go in the bathroom to clean up a bit before crashing out. I don't know how I hadn't noticed at the gas station, but I guess it was dark enough even under street lights in my car to not see the blood on my face and fingers.

I had gone into a gas station at around 3am (give or take an hour) covered in blood, casual as fuck, and the clerk didn't even seem to notice. I was a stoned, half-black (other half korean, if it adds to the story) guy with dreadlocks crawling around in some bushes, with my face and hands covered in blood, at around 3am. The best/worst part is that if some cop(s) had stopped me when crawling around in the bushes, that was before I realized I was covered in blood.

I'm sure hilarity would have ensued. Hilarity and me probably getting shot.

Should change your username to Count Dracula lol.

 

[lowsingle]

Should change your username to Count Dracula lol.

hahaha yes, nailed it

and lol thats a funny story, i can only imagine the internal monologue of e cashier when he said "i dont have my wallet" like if he thought "oh god, is he trying to ask me to give it to him? is he threatening to rob me? oh i hope he doesnt eat me"

 

[Phreaxer]

What does it say about the quality of girl you're used to being with if you don't notice blood?

 

[SMillard]

this was about six months after I moved and didn't really know anyone, I was 21 and hadn't gotten laid in probably close to a year, when working at a gym while in college I met a girl that was home for the summer from her college, she was good looking but not beautiful yet she was one of those girls that was just sexy as hell. We talk for a few days and finally decide to go out one night.

I show up to the house wearing a pair of kaki pants and a shirt tucked in. I get to the door and her father answers, I introduce myself and while I'm standing there talking to him she comes out in this mini skirt outfit that just looked hot as hell. It was a casual outfit but she just looked hot as hell in it. Well I get a hard on immediately and apparently it was very noticable, her father just looks at me and says "what the hell". I look down then say something to this day I can't believe how dumb it was "oh, my car keys must have shifted". I do a quick shift adjustment and try to get out of there as quickly as possible.

We leave and I am still embarrassed by what happened. She tells me she wants to go to the beach, so we do and while we are walking around she tells me she's hungery and wants a hotdog and a beer. I check and realized I only had enough money to buy her a hotdog and beer. I tell her I wasn't hungry. Well she starts to eat the hotdog and it happened again, I was pitching a tent. I get really embarrassed again and she starts doing subtle things like licking ketchup off her fingers, taking really deep big bites of the hot dog, licking her lips.... just general shit to get me all worked up. After she finishes we go walk by the beach and we sit under a lifeguard stand. I figured she knows about the stiffy, she was getting obscene with the hotdog and under a lifeguard stand is usually a make out point, "I'm going in". I lean in to kiss her and I get the pull back and the hand in the chest. She says "I have to get up early, can you take me home?"
I take her home and as she jumps out of my car says "thanks for the hot dog" and starts laughing. I didn't think I could feel any lower.

Shit got worse, find out about three days later she ended up going out that same night with one of the other guys at the gym I worked at. I found out because he was calling her gobstopper behind her back. I asked why, he said "remember in Willy Wonka, the ever lasting gobstopper was the candy that no matter how hard you sucked it it never went down, well that's what she did to my dick the other night".

 

[PabloZed]

when working at a gym while in college I met a girl that was home for the summer from her college, she was good looking but not beautiful yet she was one of those girls that was just sexy as hell. We talk for a few days and finally decide to go out one night.

I show up to the house wearing a pair of kaki pants and a shirt tucked in. I get to the door and her father answers, I introduce myself and while I'm standing there talking to him she comes out in this mini skirt outfit that just looked hot as hell. It was a casual outfit but she just looked hot as hell in it. Well I get a hard on immediately and apparently it was very noticable, her father just looks at me and says "what the hell". I look down then say something to this day I can't believe how dumb it was "oh, my car keys must have shifted". I do a quick shift adjustment and try to get out of there as quickly as possible.

We leave and I am still embarrassed by what happened. She tells me she wants to go to the beach, so we do and while we are walking around she tells me she's hungery and wants a hotdog and a beer. I check and realized I only had enough money to buy her a hotdog and beer. I tell her I wasn't hungry. Well she starts to eat the hotdog and it happened again, I was pitching a tent. I get really embarrassed again and she starts doing subtle things like licking ketchup off her fingers, taking really deep big bites of the hot dog, licking her lips.... just general shit to get me all worked up. After she finishes we go walk by the beach and we sit under a lifeguard stand. I figured she knows about the stiffy, she was getting obscene with the hotdog and under a lifeguard stand is usually a make out point, "I'm going in". I lean in to kiss her and I get the pull back and the hand in the chest. She says "I have to get up early, can you take me home?"
I take her home and as she jumps out of my car says "thanks for the hot dog" and starts laughing. I didn't think I could feel any lower.

Shit got worse, find out about three days later she ended up going out that same night with one of the other guys at the gym I worked at. I found out because he was calling her gobstopper behind her back. I asked why, he said "remember in Willy Wonka, the ever lasting gobstopper was the candy that no matter how hard you sucked it it never went down, well that's what she did to my dick the other night".

Wow. That sounds like a movie scene. You need an agent. It is Sunday so I won't go any further.