Sherbros I need your advice...

[machidafan99]

1. Spend as much time with you Mom as you can
2. Deal with anxiety by doing activities that force you to be in the moment. Do something like this everyday. For me I play tennis because if I don't focus on the damn ball I will miss.
3. Life can suck majorly for some. It's up to us to decide if want to continue to try or quit. Unpredictable things can happen, both good and bad.

First of all sorry for my english in advance it's not my native language. Don't judge me too strictly on that and about my situation. This forum is the only one forum I care about it. I don't have other places to talk about it (including real life). I know most people easily gets bored by reading a ton of text but I hope some of you will read till the end. Even I don't have a lot of messages I was reading this forum (mostly UFC discussion) way before I registered here. Honestly I just didn't wanna embarrass myself with my poor and broken english even when I wanted to participate in fight discussions. But with my current situation I could care less about my grammar mistakes.

I'm a longtime MMA fan (started watching since Fedor's glory days in Pride) and closely paying attention to the UFC since Velasquez - JDS trilogy.
So right now I'm experiencing literally the toughest period of my life. And I have no idea how to get out of this situation. My life has never been easy but for the last month or two it's the worst experience I've ever had. Anxiety and depression on a daily basis eating me alive. My mom is very sick with multiple diseases (mostly heart problems and headaches) She's only 57 and turns 58 at December 26. She's too young and I truly believe she can easily live for another 10-20 years. I don't care about my biological father (he left us long time ago) We don't really interact with relatives.. they're always treated us with some notes of contempt cuz we just people of different social statuses. Some of my friends died in freak accidents (I wish I was one of those guys) and with some of them I don't have anything in common anymore and they have their own families/kids etc. I never thought that I would find myself in a situation when literally the most important person in my life is suffering on a regular basis and I can't do anything about it.

So just recently I almost lost her due to some daily stress she started to choke due to lack of oxygen complaining to a severe headache and chest pain. For a moment I thought I will lose her forever in a matter of seconds because there was a moment when she didn't move at all and closed her eyes for a few seconds and that was terrifying experience and especially that look on her face right before when she was choking. In such a short period of time so many thoughts went through my head. Even writing this, is really hard for me. My question is have you ever experienced maybe not similar situation but when you felt that you completely lost and stuck in life related to some serious problems. And how it turned out at the end? Right now I have no idea how to get out of this situation. I'm just dying inside.. Every day walking up in the middle of the night with 3-4hrs sleep and huge amount of anxiety. Thinking constantly about what might happen If I won't be able to help her in time. I don't care about anything else right now.. all my thoughts is about how can I save her before it's too late. Knowing that I could never see her again, kills me. I wouldn't be able to accept it. I'm also having health problems (lower-back pain/eyesight/foot pain/headaches) but nothing life-threatening like in her case. How to cope with constant anxiety and depression and how to overcome situations when there's no escape?

 

[flequin]

Call an ambulance and have her brought in to one of the bigger hospitals.

When that recent situation happened when I almost lost her. Right when it's started I called ambulance. And when for a few seconds she closed her eyes and stopped moving I was so terrified and ambulance came like 10minutes later. I understood that next time they just simply wouldn't make it in time.. They made electrocardiography on her. But the problem is it shows only current results. So they came when she's recovered and it didn't make sense to check her. But 2 months ago after cardiac examination and consulting a specialist I've found out that she needs a Prosthetic Heart Valves (Mitral and Aortic) + Bypass Grafting (CABG) And for the last few weeks I'm doing research and reading as much info as I can about these surgeries.

 

[Phlog]

Thank you for sharing your story. To be honest I could care less about my biological father even if he dies tomorrow. My mom is the only close person that I have in this life. I won't be able to recover if something happens with her.

It's couldn't care less, as in you could not care less. If you could care less it means you actually do care to some degree. That's an Americanism.

I truly hope you find a way to help your mother but man, you have to accept that she will die. The idea that you won't recover because someone will die is mad, given the evidence that throughout human history the vast, overwhelming majority, do indeed carry on. Such a majority as the minority is absolutely remarkable when it occurs.

The problem is not your mother's upcoming death, the problem is the way you are choosing to think about it.

Not having anyone to talk to is up to you, relationships take work and you have to expend effort to create and maintain them.

Good luck and let us know what you are doing to improve your situation.

 

[Dogpound2020]

Thank you for sharing your story. To be honest I could care less about my biological father even if he dies tomorrow. My mom is the only close person that I have in this life. I won't be able to recover if something happens with her.

I would talk to a grief counsellor. My mom recently beat cancer and my god was I an absolute mess. I was honestly promising myself to off myself right after she goes.

 

[flequin]

It's couldn't care less, as in you could not care less. If you could care less it means you actually do care to some degree. That's an Americanism.

I truly hope you find a way to help your mother but man, you have to accept that she will die. The idea that you won't recover because someone will die is mad, given the evidence that throughout human history the vast, overwhelming majority, do indeed carry on. Such a majority as the minority is absolutely remarkable when it occurs.

The problem is not your mother's upcoming death, the problem is the way you are choosing to think about it.

Not having anyone to talk to is up to you, relationships take work and you have to expend effort to create and maintain them. I agree with you about relationship. Even I've had a really bad start and my life has never been easy but I had to work towards it mostly pe

Good luck and let us know what you are doing to improve your situation.

Ok.. sorry I knew at some point I'd mess up something with my spelling. I'm trying to double check everything what I'm typing in some translators but still making some stupid mistakes. You know what for me would be way easier to accept if she'd would die by her natural death like in her 80s. It would be kinda expected right.. But she's only 57 and turns 58 like in 23 days.. I'm not ready for this at all.. I agree with you about relationship. I had to make some efforts towards that direction. But I've had some friends who died in some freak accidents long time ago and with some of them I don't talk anymore since high school.

 

[Davidjacksonjones]

Thank you for your tips. I'm already trying something from this list.
She had a heart attack this summer while I was working in the nearby city and I had to come back to be always around her just in case... After cardiac examination and consulting a specialist I found out that she needs a Prosthetic Heart Valves (Mitral and Aortic) + Coronary Artery Bypass Grafting (CABG) as soon as possible. Before that I didn't know anything about those surgeries. But now after researching them for a while I know a lot. Everything what I'm getting online or on some temporary jobs is barely enough to pay rent/utilities and buy something to eat once in a while. I'm thinking about getting loan.. I don't know maan.

How much would it cost for those surgeries for your mother?
Have you considered taking out a loan from the bank that you could repay later?
I am sure they will understand and work something out

 

[flequin]

How much would it cost for those surgeries for your mother?
Have you considered taking out a loan from the bank that you could repay later?
I am sure they will understand and work something out

Around 4.5-5k but even 2-3k would be extremely helpfull. I don't know about loans tho. Because I know for a fact If you're taking them for the longest available period like 3-4 years. Overpayment will be almost double of that initial amount. So basically if you're taking 4-5k you'll eventually have to pay 7-8k at the end. Which is obviously very unfavorable conditions or you have to pay off preferably as fast as you can after you took that loan. Considering that everything what I'm getting freelancing online or working on some temporary jobs is barely enough for paying monthly rent/bills and some daily exsistence I highly doubt taking a big loan is a good idea. I just won't be able to pay those 200-300$ monthly for 3-4yrs. But at the same time I don't have much of a choice right... I'm in desperate mode and I'm thinking about getting a big loan and betting on mma fights tryna double that money... do or die kinda move. What can be more important than my mom's life right.. I have to do anything in order to help her. That's a really bad idea on paper and might be the wrong decision but I have to do something..

 

[Jake the Muss]

Now my dad is bound to pass any day now (he;s 57) and we haven't spoken in around 20 years. he named me his beneficiary as his first born so now I'm the one being responsible for all of his money? Which is annoying as I am 2 hours away from where he lives. Obviously he left me nothing, but paper work to do since no one else in the family can do it.

Just all around a crap time too. With Christmas coming up I'm also going to have to go light on the gifts too which I hate because I usually like to do it up......for once I can't. Harsh realities can really be found in the smallest forms.

Some recommended resources:
"The Gift of Years" by Joan Chittister - may help with making the most of the time you have with your loved ones @flequin
"Being with Dying" by Joan Halifax - may help with understanding and preparing what to expect while being present during a person's passing.
"The Wild Edge of Sorrow" by Francis Weller - may help with the grieving process before (anticipatory grief) and after a passing.

Also, be mindful of stress and grief. They are silent killers.
Anticipatory Grief: Symptoms, Examples, How to Cope (verywellhealth.com)

In order to be present for others requires taking care of yourself first and foremost. Schedule relaxation time. Don't neglect the things that bring you joy. Friends and family may mean well but may be ill-prepared to handle what you are going through. It's best to seek support from professionals and grief circles.

 

[RichardPriors]

Like some have already pointed out, try getting professional help. Meds get a bad rep but they can really help and a psychiatrist or psychologist can guide you.

 

[flequin]

Like some have already pointed out, try getting professional help. Meds get a bad rep but they can really help and a psychiatrist or psychologist can guide you.

Professional help won't really help me right now. Especially quality of "professional help" here where I live. My constant anxiety and depression directly related to my mother's current condition which might be fixed only by heart surgeries cuz that became obvious after cardiac examination and consulting a specialist few months ago. I can't afford that surgery which really bothers me and If I won't be able to help her in time I won't forgive myself for the rest of my life. So I'm stuck in this situaion but anyway thank you for trying to help. I think at some point I have to visit or talk online with some decent psychiatrist or psychologist.

 

[Busgosu]

First of all sorry for my english in advance it's not my native language. Don't judge me too strictly on that and about my situation. This forum is the only one forum I care about it. I don't have other places to talk about it (including real life). I know most people easily gets bored by reading a ton of text but I hope some of you will read till the end. Even I don't have a lot of messages I was reading this forum (mostly UFC discussion) way before I registered here. Honestly I just didn't wanna embarrass myself with my poor and broken english even when I wanted to participate in fight discussions. But with my current situation I couldn't care less about my grammar mistakes.

I'm a longtime MMA fan (started watching since Fedor's glory days in Pride) and closely paying attention to the UFC since Velasquez - JDS trilogy.
So right now I'm experiencing literally the toughest period of my life. And I have no idea how to get out of this situation. My life has never been easy but for the last month or two it's the worst experience I've ever had. Anxiety and depression on a daily basis eating me alive. My mom is very sick with multiple diseases (mostly heart problems and headaches) She's only 57 and turns 58 at December 26. She's too young and I truly believe she can easily live for another 10-20 years. I don't care about my biological father (he left us long time ago) We don't really interact with relatives.. they're always treated us with some notes of contempt cuz we just people of different social statuses. Some of my friends died in freak accidents (I wish I was one of those guys) and with some of them I don't have anything in common anymore and they have their own families/kids etc. I never thought that I would find myself in a situation when literally the most important person in my life is suffering on a regular basis and I can't do anything about it.

So just recently I almost lost her due to some daily stress she started to choke due to lack of oxygen complaining to a severe headache and chest pain. For a moment I thought I will lose her forever in a matter of seconds because there was a moment when she didn't move at all and closed her eyes for a few seconds and that was terrifying experience and especially that look on her face right before when she was choking. In such a short period of time so many thoughts went through my head. Even writing this, is really hard for me. My question is have you ever experienced maybe not similar situation but when you felt that you completely lost and stuck in life related to some serious problems. And how it turned out at the end? Right now I have no idea how to get out of this situation. I'm just dying inside.. Every day walking up in the middle of the night with 3-4hrs sleep and huge amount of anxiety. Thinking constantly about what might happen If I won't be able to help her in time. I don't care about anything else right now.. all my thoughts is about how can I save her before it's too late. Knowing that I could never see her again, kills me. I wouldn't be able to accept it. I'm also having health problems (lower-back pain/eyesight/foot pain/headaches) but nothing life-threatening like in her case. How to cope with constant anxiety and depression and how to overcome situations when there's no escape?

 

[melvinj0]

First off, your English is way better than most dip shits on the internet. Also, the most important thing is to just try to enjoy every moment you get with your mother. Try to build memories now while also still focusing on your own happiness as well.

I’ve said this here before, but the best way to fix extreme anxiety is to simply find a skill you want to accomplish and persue it. Martial arts, art, music, etc. literally anything that catches your interest, just set your eyes on it and aim to be the best at it as possible.

I was stuck in such a shitty place for years. Dropped out of highschool, worked shitty jobs while living with my mom in my early twenties. Then I decided to start going to comedy open mics and performing, because I’ve always loved stand up comedy. Since then it’s taken a lot of time and hard work but comedy is slowly becoming my full time job and just persuing it has pulled me out of a very deep depression.

An added plus (have no idea if this is your situation), but women wanted nothing to do with me before I started comedy (I’m a pretty ugly dude). But even from the beginning of being a comedian, women started showing interest in me simply because they like that I was chasing a dream and acquiring a skill. That also really helped to boost my confidence and deplete my anxiety, ended up meeting my wife through comedy and we not have a 4 year old kid and she’s managing a comedy club.

No matter how shitty things seems, something simple like learning how to do something you love can really turn things around.

 

[flequin]

I was stuck in such a shitty place for years. Dropped out of highschool, worked shitty jobs while living with my mom in my early twenties. Then I decided to start going to comedy open mics and performing, because I’ve always loved stand up comedy. Since then it’s taken a lot of time and hard work but comedy is slowly becoming my full time job and just persuing it has pulled me out of a very deep depression.

An added plus (have no idea if this is your situation), but women wanted nothing to do with me before I started comedy (I’m a pretty ugly dude). But even from the beginning of being a comedian, women started showing interest in me simply because they like that I was chasing a dream and acquiring a skill. That also really helped to boost my confidence and deplete my anxiety, ended up meeting my wife through comedy and we not have a 4 year old kid and she’s managing a comedy club.

No matter how shitty things seems, something simple like learning how to do something you love can really turn things around.

Thank you for your support and your advices. I'm really happy for you that You've accomplished a lot in your life. In my case unfortunately it's all boils down to money. I'm really struggling with finding the solution what I have to do in order to help her because she needs surgery as soon as it possible. I'm thinking about getting loan but I know for a fact I won't be able to pay that for like 3-4 years 200-300$ monthly. For me it's a lot at this moment because everything what I'm getting is barely enough to pay rent/bills and bying something for our daily existence. If I had suicide button I would press it without any hesitation but at the same time I think It would be too selfish leave her alone with her issues.

 

[Ballsaque]

Thank you for your support and your advices. I'm really happy for you that You've accomplished a lot in your life. In my case unfortunately it's all boils down to money. I'm really struggling with finding the solution what I have to do in order to help her because she needs surgery as soon as it possible. I'm thinking about getting loan but I know for a fact I won't be able to pay that for like 3-4 years 200-300$ monthly. For me it's a lot at this moment because everything what I'm getting is barely enough to pay rent/bills and bying something for our daily existence. If I had suicide button I would press it without any hesitation but at the same time I think It would be too selfish leave her alone with her issues.

So would you say that your main problem in this constallation is money?

 

[flequin]

So would you say that your main problem in this constallation is money?

I always had anxiety and depression once in a while.. but like normal people. I think most people have that from time to time for different reasons. But for the last few weeks it's just through the roof especially after that incident. But yes It would be way easier for me If I was able to solve that issue related to my mother's current conidtion.

 

[Dogshare]

I know it is hard to lose someone, but sometimes it is better for the other person. You say it kills you to not see her again, but that is just from your perspective. Learn about life and dead and what it means. It will stay hard, but it can change your perspective and understanding. In other words get stronger by getting more knowledge instead of trying to focus to much on something that is impossible, since the death will come for us all sooner or later.

 

[Wrath of Foamy]

I'm out of my depths on this one mate.

Only thing I can recommend is that you contact your local hospital and seek advice and support.

Surely they have support groups for carers?

 

[SalvadorAllende]

My question is have you ever experienced maybe not similar situation but when you felt that you completely lost and stuck in life related to some serious problems. And how it turned out at the end?

I'm guessing you are in your 20s or early 30s? That is pretty common. And I have been there too.

For my self at least I found that there is only one way out in life and that is moving forward. And having patience.

 

[flequin]

I'm guessing you are in your 20s or early 30s? That is pretty common. And I have been there too.

For my self at least I found that there is only one way out in life and that is moving forward. And having patience.

Yes you right I'm 32. I was working in the nearby city when I found out that my mother had a heart attack. And I came here to be always around her just in case... Because I don't really have anyone in this life anymore.. She's too young to die (turns only 58 at dec26) And then afer cardiac examination and consulting a specialist I found out that she needs heart surgery which I can't afford. I'm thinking about getting big enough loan and betting that money on some mma fights to tryna double that money. I know it's a really bad idea and it's gonna be disaster If I'm gonna lose that money but I don't really have any other choices. Because there's no way I'll be able to pay 200-300$ monthly for 3-4years. I'm already paying rent/bills and salaries out here is pretty low and just variety of jobs is pretty limited because I'm not from one of the main cities. So rent prices out here disproportionate to salaries. My health is also very shaky what prevents me from working on 2 jobs simultaneously. But I'm working online and on some temporary irl jobs. I've never experienced this amount of anxiety and depression. It's just too much.. it's really hard for me to focus on anything else other than thinking how I can solve our issues. To be honest I'm forcing myself to do some basic stuff like eat once a day/brush my teeth because I'm feeling very depressed from not being able to get out of this situation.

 

[Octavian]

First of all sorry for my english in advance it's not my native language. Don't judge me too strictly on that and about my situation. This forum is the only one forum I care about it. I don't have other places to talk about it (including real life). I know most people easily gets bored by reading a ton of text but I hope some of you will read till the end. Even I don't have a lot of messages I was reading this forum (mostly UFC discussion) way before I registered here. Honestly I just didn't wanna embarrass myself with my poor and broken english even when I wanted to participate in fight discussions. But with my current situation I couldn't care less about my grammar mistakes.

I'm a longtime MMA fan (started watching since Fedor's glory days in Pride) and closely paying attention to the UFC since Velasquez - JDS trilogy.
So right now I'm experiencing literally the toughest period of my life. And I have no idea how to get out of this situation. My life has never been easy but for the last month or two it's the worst experience I've ever had. Anxiety and depression on a daily basis eating me alive. My mom is very sick with multiple diseases (mostly heart problems and headaches) She's only 57 and turns 58 at December 26. She's too young and I truly believe she can easily live for another 10-20 years. I don't care about my biological father (he left us long time ago) We don't really interact with relatives.. they're always treated us with some notes of contempt cuz we just people of different social statuses. Some of my friends died in freak accidents (I wish I was one of those guys) and with some of them I don't have anything in common anymore and they have their own families/kids etc. I never thought that I would find myself in a situation when literally the most important person in my life is suffering on a regular basis and I can't do anything about it.

So just recently I almost lost her due to some daily stress she started to choke due to lack of oxygen complaining to a severe headache and chest pain. For a moment I thought I will lose her forever in a matter of seconds because there was a moment when she didn't move at all and closed her eyes for a few seconds and that was terrifying experience and especially that look on her face right before when she was choking. In such a short period of time so many thoughts went through my head. Even writing this, is really hard for me. My question is have you ever experienced maybe not similar situation but when you felt that you completely lost and stuck in life related to some serious problems. And how it turned out at the end? Right now I have no idea how to get out of this situation. I'm just dying inside.. Every day walking up in the middle of the night with 3-4hrs sleep and huge amount of anxiety. Thinking constantly about what might happen If I won't be able to help her in time. I don't care about anything else right now.. all my thoughts is about how can I save her before it's too late. Knowing that I could never see her again, kills me. I wouldn't be able to accept it. I'm also having health problems (lower-back pain/eyesight/foot pain/headaches) but nothing life-threatening like in her case. How to cope with constant anxiety and depression and how to overcome situations when there's no escape?

I almost never reply to personal posts but this one got me...
1) never EVER wish you were one of your friends that died in a freak accident
2) no idea what's really wrong with your mom and if can be fixed but cherish every moment you have with her as if each will be the last. Make sure she's comfortable
3) don't worry about what people think... work hard, set goals and make a plan. There's no point on dwelling on the past - live in the now and the near future. If you're thinking too far ahead (like time when you're alone and your mom is gone), it will just eat you alive right now and you'll live with unbearable anxiety.
4) focus on what you can control and let go of the things you can't
5) just me... but it doesn't sound like you guys have healthy air to breath - is that possibly to remedey?
6) never feel like you can't escape because you CAN and YOU WILL - life will get better, it always works out and showing some daily kindness always comes back to you
7) stay strong