It's a good lesson and I've seen/experienced similar stuff. What popped into my head was that even that exchange doesn't happen without the parent being there, the child turning to the parent, and the parent structuring some kind of intervention. Yet if you'd physically stepped in, a la 20 years ago, would you have been labelled a helicopter parent?
I agree that the landscape seems so much less clear. We don't want parents being too involved until something goes wrong and then we ask "Where were the adults?" It suggests a massive breakdown in society somewhere. 20 years ago, you probably would have known that Dad and he would have known you and you both would have known the other's kid. There would be this sense of shared responsibility for both kids, not just yours, so if you stepped in, it would be to parent both children and the other Dad would expect it.
I want to ramble on about society and silo-ing and stuff. We had some kids over the day (4 year olds) and my wife and I approached it differently. I felt like I needed to be "Dad" to all of the kids, she felt like she needed to be "Mom" only to our son. I can understand that from moms, I can't understand it from dads. And maybe we, the dads, are dropping the ball on our side? Maybe we're not taking enough responsibility for the collective children?
Agreed. But I think there is a common misconception about helicopter parenting, and the way it relates to parenting of the past.
In the past, parents supervised their children less than now. That is true. But what is also different is the way they supervised their children when they did supervise them. They might have supervised less, but they delivered real consequences that left lasting impressions when they did supervise.
When I was about 10, there was a girl in my neighborhood my age who had already begun to 'develop'. While my intentions were more curiosity than lechery, I did have an interest, which I shared enthusiastically with the girl, in seeing and touching what what growing underneath that shirt.
Since we were both latch key kids, a lot of my behavior initially went unnoticed. And thus slowly grew more bold. But then, finally one day my Dad saw me make a reach for one of the girls small boobies which she had deftly brushed aside. To this day, I have never seen a more terrifying image than that of my father marching to me in the neighbors yard, already taking the belt off his pants.
The belting had begun before we even made it back to the house, and continued once we got in. As always, afterwards there was a discussion and a reinforcement of love. But never again was there a single doubt in my mind about what acceptable behavior was in this area.
So visceral was the event that the next time I saw the girl, she was actually asking me if I was OK. To this day, I don't think I have ever made a more sincere apology than the one I made to that girl.
In this day and age of increased supervision, parents have a lot more 'at bats' with their kids. But far too often, they just look at all the pitches. My parents had fewer at bats with me, but almost every one of them went to the full count with several fouled off balls to boot.
So really, there are 2 big problems now. Not only do kids have fewer chances to make mistakes. But the mistakes they do make are not being turned into seminal moments.
