Social 9-Year-Old Kills Herself after Bullies Mocked Her for Having a White Friend

[cooks1]

This has nothing to do with helicopter parenting. If anything, suicides are taking place during unsupervised time.

This is entirely about bullying in the context described in the video. Kids of that age are extremely attuned to what their peers think of them. Developmentally, they are going through a phase where peer acceptance is much more important than parental approval. There is nothing that we can do about that, it is hardwired into how our brains develop and mature.

In that time period, if their peer group ostracizes them to a sufficient degree, they truly feel as if there is no place for them in the world. The constancy of the internet and the permanency of what goes on it makes it impossible for these kids to ever have a moment without the ostracization and the diminishing of their social value.

When people say "Toughen them up" it's pointless. You cannot toughen them up to such a degree that their brains don't go through the natural development need to maximize peer acceptance. You have to minimize their exposure to it. Not because the parents are overdoing it but because society is putting it out there at a level far beyond what we were designed to handle. And for the emotionally sensitive individual (which is an intrinsic thing, not a learned one), what is manageable for their peers is not manageable for them (like pain tolerances, some people just have a higher threshold).

It is a real problem that has its roots in the disconnect between social media and the developing child brain.

Kids need time away from the negative experiences to process them, to adequately understand and to develop resiliencies but that doesn't happen to the same degree anymore.

Outstanding. Keep them off the interwebs and social media so much in the early years. Talk to them.

One other thing that I think is overlooked a lot is the polarization of parenting philosophies. Which is a big enough challenge on it's own, but when it is combined with the virtual criminalization of interceding with a child that is not your own, it gets really problematic. I see it all the time. 2 parents look at the same exchange between children on a playground. One sees a horrific incident, while the other sees kids just being kids. The reality is somewhere in the middle. And both sets of parents need to be able to give some ground. I have witnessed parents coming to blows over an altercation involving their children.

I remember a Thanksgiving morning 2 years ago. All the Dads had taken their kids to the park playground so the moms would be able to get Turkey Day ready hassle free. My then 4 year daughter was playing in the sand box with her favorite toy, 'The Big Digger'

She got off of it for maybe 2 seconds to remove a root she had dug up, when a boy roughly her size just decided to plop down on it and start playing. She asked him to get off and he said no. I saw the entire thing happen and I also saw that the little boys Dad observed it as well, and had chosen not to intercede. No biggie. My daughter came up to me and told me the problem. I told her that she should go back to the boy and tell him that she would like her toy back now please, and that if he did not give it back she had my permission to push him off. Which, of course, was what she wanted to do in the first place.

She was scared at first but then she went back and did exactly that. The little boy was nonplussed at first but then went to his Dad for support. His Dad, who had seen the whole thing, gave 0.00 shits. He just shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Its her toy'. After a couple whimpers, the boy went back to playing. Then the other boys Dad glanced up at me and we just gave each other a slight nod. We had both given a little ground.

This kind of thing has played out numerous times of course.

Would I have preferred for the kids Dad to intercede and get his kid off my daughters toy? Yes- I would have preferred that. I would have done that if I saw my kid just take another kids toy. But those are shades of grey parents can have different views on. Maybe this Dad had already admonished his kid about that a few times, and had not seen a change. Maybe that kids Dad was hoping a consequence from a peer would have greater effect. I don't know.

20 years ago it might have even been acceptable for me to go over and remove the kid off the toy. If my kid had just taken another kids toy and their parent came over and took it back, I would not be the least bit bothered by that. But assuming that another parent would feel the same way in this day and age is a risky thing to do.

This other kids Dad might have preferred that his kid not be just pushed off the toy. But he understood that his kid was given a chance to get off before he was pushed off, and that he was given a chance to intercede before it came to that.

These kind of situations that used to occur multiple times daily in a young childs life and give them much needed social engineering are happening much and much less frequently. And alarming numbers of kids are hitting their 10's and early teens essentially socially rudderless as a result.

 

[Ripskater]

So fighting the bully made you feel confident, but also left you very quick to violence. And you were fortunate that you were in a situation where bullying was a small deal, where just standing up for yourself ended that instance of it (though it didn't end bullying - you kept punching people in the face for years out of a fear of being bullied). A lot of kids don't have that situation, where the bullying stops just because you got into a fight.

I had my own twisted road with being bullied and then bullying, and I'm pretty sure everything would have worked out better had none of that stuff happened.

Man, it's the world we live in. Nearly everyone will face it. It's taken it's toll on kids for sure. Looking at this girl who was encouraged to commit suicide at age 9. That's tragic as you say.

Good can come out of bad things, but it would be good if the bullying never happened.

I do think you gotta teach your kids how to handle it. Not easy though. I want my kids to grow up knowing how to handle these situations, stand up for themselves and others, but be wise about how they do that.

And as a parent, like this little girl's case, when is it too much for them to bear?

 

[Social Distance Warrior]

Disgusting and absolutely tragic..

RIP little girl.

Where you're going, you can be friends with anyone you want.

 

[Lucifer Alpha]

Obama and his administration and the democrats of the last 10 years are responsible for preaching the victim mentality to their voting block. And it's this victim mentality and social justice that's built up the racism we see from some blacks toward whites today. I don't ever remember it being this out in the open in my lifetime.

We could laugh about racial differences back in the day. PC culture has taken away that outlet and replaced it with extreme hostility. No one on the left knows how to laugh anymore and that's a big problem.

 

[Devout Pessimist]

My brother bought my 12 year old niece a watch that lets her make phone calls and receive text messages and has location tracking but no internet access. She doesn't have any social media accounts at home. So she's essentially cut off from that when she leaves school.

Someone I work with doesn't let his kids have a computer in their bedrooms so he can monitor the social media stuff that comes through the central computer. But for him, with sons, the issue is gamer chat rooms. The stuff that happens there ends up impacting what happens in school. So if he sees stuff then he shuts down the gaming for his kid.

I don't know that there's any one solution, especially with how fast tech changes.

I have heard a lot of people recommend the centralized home computer route where the computer is located in the busiest area of the house and there are limits to how long the child can be on the computer. This can be hard to enforce if an adult is not at home when the kids are at home.

I believe there are parents who buy their kids smart phones, but there are strong restrictions built into the phone regarding what the child can do with the phone.

The problem is always going to be peers who have unregulated access to the filth online. It is impossible to completely protect your kids.

 

[Konquest]

My child is in private school so luckily I can expect better oversight and better parental involvement. My family as shitty as it was on some levels was nothing like you describe though. My parents did know what was happening to us and what we were up too.

I honestly think I would know if my daughter were on either end of this but we have lots of time together and don't watch TV so there is time and space to deal with these things.

Sorry to break it to you, but you are sadly mistaken/misled on this one.

 

[Trotsky]

Holy shit, that's heavy. Really, really heavy. The title is kind of misleading, since it seems she was an outcast for multiple reasons, but to even have that be a modicum of the reason for her committing suicide is completely unacceptable.

As far as the rate spike for prepubescent suicides, that is also a huge and perhaps more generalize-able phenomenon, with kids being thrust into the adult world and out of their own pockets of reality in a way that simply has never been possible in generations before.

RIP...but it’s not the bullying....it’s something bigger , the bullying didn’t help, but she probably had bigger mental issues..

Nah, even if it's only partially the bullying, it's the bullying. Simple "mental issues" for a child (to the extent that early childhood issues can be chiefly considered mental rather than environmental or behavioral), without some other sort of contributing factor, would not be expected to cause this.

 

[panamaican]

I have heard a lot of people recommend the centralized home computer route where the computer is located in the busiest area of the house and there are limits to how long the child can be on the computer. This can be hard to enforce if an adult is not at home when the kids are at home.

I believe there are parents who buy their kids smart phones, but there are strong restrictions built into the phone regarding what the child can do with the phone.

The problem is always going to be peers who have unregulated access to the filth online. It is impossible to completely protect your kids.

There's no way to completely protect your kids and you probably shouldn't try. You need to keep things manageable so that they experience enough to learn how to handle it without being overwhelmed. Like learning how to fight, no one throws you in a pro match against 2 opponents at once when you start training. You have to build up to sparring then amateurs and then entry level pros then higher level opponents. With social media kids are starting off in 2 on 1 death matches and they don't even know basic defensive principles yet.

The thing about the central computer, from my friend's perspective, was that he didn't monitor them while they were on it. He had something where he could back and review the activity later.

 

[franklinstower]

Sorry to break it to you, but you are sadly mistaken/misled on this one.

So far it has been 100% better in every respect. Small classes, direct time with the principle any time I want it. Immediate attention given to every problem that has arisen.

 

[machidafan99]

holding off triggeredness until i can confirm story

 

[method115]

So fighting the bully made you feel confident, but also left you very quick to violence. And you were fortunate that you were in a situation where bullying was a small deal, where just standing up for yourself ended that instance of it (though it didn't end bullying - you kept punching people in the face for years out of a fear of being bullied). A lot of kids don't have that situation, where the bullying stops just because you got into a fight.

I had my own twisted road with being bullied and then bullying, and I'm pretty sure everything would have worked out better had none of that stuff happened.

I wouldn't say it left me very quick to violence. For instance one kid I punched sat in front of me in class and repeatedly called me the N word for over 30 mins. I punched him in the face. We were friends when I first got to this school but I guess he got mad because I stopped hanging out with him and started hanging out with other people.

His friend tripped me when I was trying to run outside for recess and I went flying across the floor. I came back threw him on the floor and thought we were even and it was done. Nope, he came back at me trying to fight me and pushed me three times. I grabbed him, threw him on the floor, and punched him in the nose breaking it. I never got in trouble for any of this because once I explained it to the principal it was clear to any human being that I was being very reasonable.

Another kid was trying to jump my friend so I held him while my friend fought his friend. He punched me so I punched him back and then him and his father tried chasing me down in their truck calling me the N word. I had to run home and barely made it when my dad came outside and told the dad to fuck off before he beats his ass.

I've never hit anyone who wasn't at the very least seriously trying to provoke me to do so. Other than one kid when I was 12 and I apologized to him and we became friends after that. He actually kicked my ass and it was me fucking with him.

My bullying situation and how my dad handled it helped me become a stronger person and deal with potential bullies later on in life. Your right this wont always work for everyone but it might work for some. I just think it's something parents need to keep in their playbook so to speak as a possible solution. Sure try everything else first, talk to the school, the parents, school change, etc. At the end of the day if that isn't working then maybe just standing up for yourself will deter the bully from wanting to continue.

 

[cincymma79]

You have now lost me man. Are you trolling?

Pointing out how the standards have been lowered

 

[franklinstower]

Pointing out how the standards have been lowered

Im sure its my fault but I seem to be too dense to know what you are getting at.

 

[Lucifer Alpha]

It wouldn't surprise me if the school not only allowed this to go on, but actively encouraged it.

 

[JDragon]

Also here, name/photo should not be made public due to the Werther effect.

 

[Deleted member 457759]

Obviously this is a symptom of racism towards white people but I won't bite too hard.

If a 9 year old commits suicide then there are some serious mental health problem with her, and probably her mother too.

 

[panamaican]

Outstanding. Keep them off the interwebs and social media so much in the early years. Talk to them.

One other thing that I think is overlooked a lot is the polarization of parenting philosophies. Which is a big enough challenge on it's own, but when it is combined with the virtual criminalization of interceding with a child that is not your own, it gets really problematic. I see it all the time. 2 parents look at the same exchange between children on a playground. One sees a horrific incident, while the other sees kids just being kids. The reality is somewhere in the middle. And both sets of parents need to be able to give some ground. I have witnessed parents coming to blows over an altercation involving their children.

I remember a Thanksgiving morning 2 years ago. All the Dads had taken their kids to the park playground so the moms would be able to get Turkey Day ready hassle free. My then 4 year daughter was playing in the sand box with her favorite toy, 'The Big Digger'

She got off of it for maybe 2 seconds to remove a root she had dug up, when a boy roughly her size just decided to plop down on it and start playing. She asked him to get off and he said no. I saw the entire thing happen and and I also saw that the little boys Dad observed it as well, and had chosen not to intercede. No biggie. My daughter came up to me and told me the problem. I told her that she should go back to the boy and tell him that she would like her toy back now please, and that if he did not give it back she had my permission to push him off. Which, of course, was what she wanted to do in the first place.

She was scared at first but then she went back and did exactly that. The little boy was nonplussed at first but then went to his Dad for support. His Dad, who had seen the whole thing, gave 0.00 shits. He just shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Its her toy'. After a couple whimpers, the boy went back to playing. Then the other boys Dad glanced up at me and we just gave each other a slight nod. We had both given a little ground.

This kind of thing has played out numerous times of course.

Would I have preferred for the kids Dad to intercede and get his kid off my daughters toy? Yes- I would have preferred that. I would have done that if I saw my kid just take another kids toy. But those are shades of grey parents can have different views on. Maybe this Dad had already admonished his kid about that a few times, and had not seen a change. Maybe that kids Dad was hoping a consequence from a peer would have greater effect. I don't know.

20 years ago it might have even been acceptable for me to go over and remove the kid off the toy. If my kid had just taken another kids toy and their parent came over and took it back, I would not be the least bit bothered by that. But assuming that another parent would feel the same way in this day and age is a risky thing to do.

This other kids Dad might have preferred that his kid not be just pushed off the toy. But he understood that his kid was given a chance to get off before he was pushed off, and that he was given a chance to intercede before it came to that.

These kind of situations that used to occur multiple times daily in a young childs life and give them much needed social engineering are happening much and much less frequently. And alarming numbers of kids are hitting their 10's and early teens essentially socially rudderless as a result.

It's a good lesson and I've seen/experienced similar stuff. What popped into my head was that even that exchange doesn't happen without the parent being there, the child turning to the parent, and the parent structuring some kind of intervention. Yet if you'd physically stepped in, a la 20 years ago, would you have been labelled a helicopter parent?

I agree that the landscape seems so much less clear. We don't want parents being too involved until something goes wrong and then we ask "Where were the adults?" It suggests a massive breakdown in society somewhere. 20 years ago, you probably would have known that Dad and he would have known you and you both would have known the other's kid. There would be this sense of shared responsibility for both kids, not just yours, so if you stepped in, it would be to parent both children and the other Dad would expect it.

I want to ramble on about society and silo-ing and stuff. We had some kids over the day (4 year olds) and my wife and I approached it differently. I felt like I needed to be "Dad" to all of the kids, she felt like she needed to be "Mom" only to our son. I can understand that from moms, I can't understand it from dads. And maybe we, the dads, are dropping the ball on our side? Maybe we're not taking enough responsibility for the collective children?

 

[all caps]

Girls are different when it comes to bullying. It is much more difficult to discover when a girl is being bullied compared to boys. When a boy is the victim of bullying you can see the other boys beating on him and calling him names. Girls are much more clever when it comes to bullying which makes it harder to spot. They do weird "we are friends and now we are not" games and will not invite a specific girl to a party and talk about how fun the party was. The current Girl Power fad makes things even more difficult because we are supposed to think of all girls as oppressed victims when in reality girls can be every bit as vicious and cruel (if not more so) as boys.

Girls are their own worst enemy. They will stab each other in the back (or right in the face) for love, affection, attention or all of it. It is fucking crazy.

 

[Lord Commander Palis]

9-year-old killed herself after bullies mocked her for having a white friend, mom says

This is beyond despicable (assuming the mother's account is true because she doesn't substantiate it with facts). Fucking Florida.



There is a second dimension to this that the above article digs into a bit. This is acutely affecting girls, since 2011, and nobody has articulated why more brilliantly than NYU psychologist Jonathan Haidt and Greg Lukianoff. I was pleased to discover Sherdog has had a thread on Haidt.
Parents coddling their kids and not letting them unsupervised time

Spoiler: Here's a book for the WR book thread

He succinctly summarized the ideas of this recent work on Maher's show this past fall (with the Mooch!). He traces how this is symptomatic of a wider cultural problem that is being driven by the leftist ideas embraced by the iGen despite that most of us would acknowledge this girl's tragedy, if rooted in racism, is more likely specifically correlated to redhat toxicity. I especially appreciate his comments at the end explaining the gender impact disparity precipitated by a question from the Mooch beginning at 6:59:



Keywords related to this work are "Helicopter parenting", "Bulldozer parenting" or "Concierge parenting".

This is so horrifyingly disturbing... I've never heard of a 9 yr old killing themselves.

 

[Seano]

This has nothing to do with helicopter parenting. If anything, suicides are taking place during unsupervised time.

This is entirely about bullying in the context described in the video. Kids of that age are extremely attuned to what their peers think of them. Developmentally, they are going through a phase where peer acceptance is much more important than parental approval. There is nothing that we can do about that, it is hardwired into how our brains develop and mature.

In that time period, if their peer group ostracizes them to a sufficient degree, they truly feel as if there is no place for them in the world. The constancy of the internet and the permanency of what goes on it makes it impossible for these kids to ever have a moment without the ostracization and the diminishing of their social value.

When people say "Toughen them up" it's pointless. You cannot toughen them up to such a degree that their brains don't go through the natural development need to maximize peer acceptance. You have to minimize their exposure to it. Not because the parents are overdoing it but because society is putting it out there at a level far beyond what we were designed to handle. And for the emotionally sensitive individual (which is an intrinsic thing, not a learned one), what is manageable for their peers is not manageable for them (like pain tolerances, some people just have a higher threshold).

It is a real problem that has its roots in the disconnect between social media and the developing child brain.

Kids need time away from the negative experiences to process them, to adequately understand and to develop resiliencies but that doesn't happen to the same degree anymore.

Your opinion on why child suicide is much more common today after the big anti bullying push?