My partner and I had a blazing row about money, and I'm looking for an outside opinion.
We have been together for eleven years, living in bedsits for the first several months and then renting studio flats for the last ten. We always went halves during that time, and we worked together, so we were paid the same, basic living wage. During that time, I invested in myself a bit and got a better job, and five years into that, I invested in myself again and got myself a better job, the job that I've been doing for the past two years. She received a payrise soon after leaving, but her wage is still rather low. I now earn double what she earns a year, though she catches that up a bit in a side hussle.
Our relationship is strong in the team but the romance has all but died. She wants to return back to her own country and go back and forth between here and there, so she is trying to save for it. I know that we don't have a future together as a family, and whilst I am not looking forward to her leaving, I think that it should be done, though I do not wish to rush her away. I want her to be in a good position.
I bought a property recently and as her side hussle was doing well and she didn't like her job, she decided to go down to part time. She makes more now than she did in the past. She said that she won't pay £350 once she moves in, but will pay £200 and look after the food. I agreed.
Only today, after I asked her if she had paid me £200 this month, she gave me an ultimatum of either her paying £200 and stops contributing to the food, or she keeps the food going and won't pay £200 this month, as she has had issues with her work and to her, isn't making what she used to. I let it go as she had made a wonderful meal and we only get so much time together due to differing shifts. Something didn't sit right with me though, so I checked her payslip, only to find that she had been paid more than enough to cover it. Her side business was also unaffected.
She repeated the falsehood that she wasn't doing well financially, accused me of trying to squeeze every last penny that she had off her, and kept repeating the ultimatum. She also demanded a room and a bed for the money. She also brought up wanting to save money in order to return home, and that she "knew" that I wanted her gone. I accused her of being "just like her friends", who are older and boast about having been paid for by lonely, ill old men. I also brought up the idea that she kept mentioning one of the men to me, saying that he was treating her friend well and that her friend was lucky to be "looked after", and said that she wanted to manipulate me in order to get an easy ride. I then told her that she, like her friends and their agreements with their men, now views the eleven year relationship as transactional and not as a team. I called her a leech and a parasite and told her to tell her friends to find her another room, and that she won't make it without me, as she can barely do simple IT and paperwork tasks on her own. I then went, had a shower and decided that I may not want to talk to her for the rest of the night. She put £200 on the table after my bath and I started to play Clair Obscur, said "I don't have to save for anything", and then left. I said nothing.
Truth be told, I don't care too much about the money, but I feel like she has been using her friends to guilt trip me into basically letting her stay under my roof and pulling back her contributions, and I find the idea of being entitled to being financially looked after to be disgusting behaviour. She's a good housekeeper and cook, I'll give her that, but it isn't enough. I have worked hard and invested time and money into bettering my position in the last eight years and frankly, I've been bothered by the fact that she hasn't. It all just doesn't sit well with me, and though I can look after her if need be, her conduct just doesn't sit right with me.
Thoughts? Flame away? Sad faces for my race towards the 2025 Saddest Poster Award?
