I'm going to subject this entire thing to y'all and (please critique it) because I'm working on a book about this stupid shit... but let me break down what being a comedian is like for you. Wall of fuckingg text incoming. (Try to read it like a chapter if you will, or a book topic.
@JDragon suggested I write a book about my life almost a year ago and I've tried and given up a bunch of times)
So I present to you.... The life of a comedian.
That part is correct. The idea of stand up comedy is to make "this" mean something. It's the same as just about any other art form in that respect. A joke isn't just a joke, it's a window into who you are. It's you combining wordplay and wit and facial mannerisms all combined together. A true verbal matador. Time stops when you're killing, it's incredible.
Stand up is also one of the most shit on art forms there is, because it's talking and everyone thinks they're funny, they think they can do what I do. I've played in bands before, but it's not even a little comparable despite being a performance art.
There's nothing else to go off of like with a band, I usually sit in a green room for about an hour taking some shots, hyping myself up in front of the mirror lol. Then you hear those words "Alright guys, time for the guy you came to see, the one, the only"
This song starts playing, you're behind the curtain smiling. Checking the set list taped to the back of a beer bottle. once that "SOB get a drink kicks" you walk out, shot in one hand beer in the other. You raise your shot glass and the audience does too. You slam it back, toss the glass to the side and rip the mic out of the stand like you're in The Ramones. Always stand at the front of the stage, the audience senses weakness. You lean into your punchlines like Henry Rollins does the chorus of Rise Above. There' a smile that can only happen in that moment. You're free. A fucking verbal conductor. You close with your best closing joke, as you're telling that joke your left hand is extending for the mic stand. Close smooth now. That mic needs to move along with the "well I've never been to heaven" callback setting up the final punchline. Huge laugh
"Thank you so much, Denver, Atlanta, St Louis, etc etc. You've been a wonderful audience. Give it up for your and.. you sir with the ponytail you know EXACTLY what I was talking about! Goodnight y'all"
You literally walk off that stage on a fucking cloud. The newer comics rush you for advice and to thank you, the promoters didn't think you could pull that many people in Wichita Kansas, never seen anything like it.
The ponytail guy claps you first, "How did you know" he says. Slipping a bag of that White china into your hand, you coyly say "How could I not" The crowd around you laughs. You vanish to the bathroom. The look you give that mirror. Motherfucker does this mirror know who the fuck I am. You walk out of the bathroom, nose dripping a bit of course. To five or six shots waiting for you. People ask for autographs, you sit outside and spin tales of all the places you've been. Ever thankful for their town and the audience, because you are.
Eventually perhaps, the cocaine hits too hard. You've had maybe twelve shots (despite having to be in Nashville the next day) a jealous local who is copying you (This is happened to me in multiple states. Either dressing exactly how I do, or in one case literally telling the fucking closer I've done for four years) pops off. The opener for a fella like me never really drinks. I've had some INCREDIBLE openers on tour with me. ( I did a show in Lawrence once, good show... but a Kansas City comic almost literally threw hands at the sound guy for... adding sound effects to peoples jokes. My homie who is now an incredible Denver comic gets the mic before I go on and says "Listen here motherfucker If you mess with ANYTHING again I'm going to stomp your fucking teeth out!" but... he said it like a comedian so everyone was a bit curious....
I wasn't though. I met this dude when I was grinding in Denver we both murdered a show, both smiling coyly. He had a solid miscarriage joke, I was opening with "Sorry Denver if my voice is rough... I've done 14 shows in 6 days, but honestly I'm just raspy from saying no I don't have a fucking cigarette every fifteen minutes... Oh damn.. is this a fucking library? Hot damn I wish I knew how to read but you want to know what's better than literacy? I just found out I don't have chlymydia. Yes ma'am in the front row not only is that surprising but! (sit next to her, over shoulder left right to the audiebnce) I also don't have Chlamydia! Is that your boyfriend or your brother sitting next to you? Your brother?! Fuckingg Gross! But... even grosser is looking downstairs and seeing something you don't quite remember there.!" but one time I was at a show describingg the types of women based off the alcohol they carried in their purse. It's a whole thing, but when I get to Fireball that's sort of the punch line. "Girls that carry fireball show up late to parties to make a stranger cry in the kitchen or ruin a relationship in the bedroom. Girls with fireball in their purses.. lets face it.. are fucking cunts" Girl yells at me "I have fireball in my purse but I'm not-a" "not a cunt? Maam that remains to be seen but so far you're acting like a cunt. Jesus you interrupt my dreams anymore I'll have some mommy issues"
I go into a joke about how I should be dead because I literally almost got kidnapped in Tijuana and ended up at a cockfight, then the whole time I was at a lowrider thing in San Diego before anything but flip phones and you fucking discover cholos talk WAY more cholo when they see a cholo they don't know. So you hear a bunch of gunshots and (like I said earlier.. climb out the bathroom window) and then ending with the whole doing cocaine and LSD with an Elvis impersonator in Nashville.
I say "I'm surprised I'm even alive" Across five tables, at a Calzone restaurant in Denver that said I could do 20 minutes AND get a meal this lady screams "Yeah well I hope you fucking die. Kill yourself tonight piece of shit. You ugly ginger fuck" Literally as I was leaning into my closer. I was straight up rattled, lost my train of thought. Just said "Oh shit guys I didn't know my dad was here catch me tomorrow at"
My Kansas City homie fucking chucked a drink at her. Yelling "You wannabe ass fucking open micer. Don't you ever heckle a head liner" Felt super good (he beat me in a contest the next day) But anyway... Lawrence Kansas right? Day after Baker Mayfield the God himself grabbed his dick at the Gayhawk fans. My buddy threatens to kick this dudes ass before I'm introduced...changes the entire mood of the show.
"One of the funniest guys I know. Nicholas O is coming up to the stage, he's toured nationally, opened for so and so and so, give a big round of applause for MY FAVORITE OKIE! Nicholas OOOOOSBORN"
Straight up fucking boos. I'm doing THIRTY MINUTES, and I was paid $150 and six free drinks for this show. So I have to do thirty minutes. I'm also watching my KC/Denver homie dragging the DJ who turns out was on both meth AND Heroin out of the booth. That swagger I talked about earlier? Yeah that shit was nonexistent. To quote Baker... I grabbed my dick at the audience and said "go back to watching Basketball" I moved some jokes around. My big Okie joke was right behind it, I end up getting them around the World Star Hip Hop and the Hella Hoes/Suicide note (my most proud joke) but I was legit booed for 20 minutes straight. Ended decent. My buddy is fuming, his shirt torn. We take our pictures, we get paid... all share a couple shots. If you're in the MO area look up this INCREDIBLE comedian Ryan Trickey. Straight up you're missing out on what will soon be a legend.
It. Gets. Worse. A manager of a pizzeria for KU indie kids says "I'll give you thirty mozzerella sticks if you stand up on the table in the restaurant and do five minutes. Now remember, I basically just got paid $150 and liquor for my homie/opener to drive three hours there and back. So OF COURSE I'm going to get free mozzarella sticks.
This long ass story is almost over I swear, but this is the important part. I bombed that show, but vibing because I made out with a pretty chunky girl who let me snort coke off her titties in the back of a suburu, pretty drunk, hung out with some of my favorite comics, made some money.. Frankly... it was the cocaine that did this.
We get to this Pizzeria, I'm loud and obnoxious how I always am and I'm literally getting met with looks of disgust and hatred in a way I've never seen before. These are UNDER 21 college kids. The ones this forum is obsessed with. I try to bail, I can't even strike up a fucking conversation with these assholes... but the manager comes out and says "Hey man we got all the mozz sticks ready this is going to be hilarious. (Pretty sure he hated me looking back)
I get on the table, my opener/homie smiling because he knows I hate it.... with NO mic I shout " It has come to my attention that gingers are going extinct. Apparently we're the most unwanted fertilized egg since Jurassic Park. I get it, I swear I'm the only white guy booked for black shows because by God not even the other white people want me. So you know. I understand. I really tried to keep us gingers alive too (The good gingers right? This is strawberry blonde. You know that color of orange hair that I believe translated from Greek means Autistic? Nah we can lose them. But I've been doing my part. Dating the girls no one else will, poking holes in condoms, start dating Mormons and Catholics.. but fuck turns out... a week with me from pro life to pro choice pretty damn quickly. Fellas if your lady is about to leave you, send her my way for a week. She'll have a good time, but she'll come back with the thousand eyed stare of a homeless Vietnam vet"
I love that joke, I've changed it in the last few years but It's still a solid joke, I get off the table and I'm fucking accosted. Some 19 year old girl just starts screaming "SEXUAL ASSAULT! THIS WAS SEXUAL ASSAULT" To which I am VERY confused. Looked down, dick was in my pants. My non drinking opener/homie. Is pulling me to the door, box of mozzarella sticks under his arm. I'm confused, drunk, and just bombed. I said "excuse me bitch?" and she goes "Joking about poking holes in condoms is sexual assualt" I start laughing, and this ponytailed probably 20 year old... simp to b e fair says "YOU ASSAULTED HER BY SAYING THAT" I respond. "I'll fucking assault you kid I'll ri--" Opener homie shoved mozzarella sticks in my mouth. We ride back three hours laughing and listening to music and talking about how bad I bombed. I hung out the window of his Volkswagen drinking the bottle of Jameson we stole from the meth/heroin DJ and we laughed and stopped off at some random redneck bar in Kansas with four people in a town of four hundred and made friends.
So, like most of my dumbass posts here have a meaning, but we talk about stand up comedy here a lot. That my dear
@BEER is the life of a stand up comedian. Sure, it's all about validation, but it's a good validation, and you know what outside of the REAL BAD BOMBS (I've had a lot of those too) even when you bomb it's okay. We really don't get the respect we deserve either. We are the last nomadic storytellers and perhaps, it is about validation, and perhaps
@Fawlty Elizabeth was right when he said I have "Boutique Depression" (though fella will never know what it's like taking a greyhound 12 hours to do a show at a punk house for pizza liquor coke and sleeping on a floor in Colorado with no heat because that is what you HAVE to do.
But find me a more noble pursuit of validation there is. There is none. We're it, we're the last stand against this internet crazed meme format and cancel culture and fear of speech.
@HereticBD has thrown jabs at me calling me a failed comedian but absolutely not. I have thousands of fans in the US. Thousands. (lotta chunky girls I'll give you that but it is what it is) My life went from a boy who was beaten every night for seven years to a motherfucker whose name commands something. That's not failure.
Anyway finished. If you read that let me know what to edit. I'm working on this series of essays and I think that might be a good opening essay for the book. I honestly hope you guys enjoyed that wall of text. I've said before this is really the only placeI can open up. If there's anything I should drop, expand on, make it something you'd be willing to read please let me know.