The addiction/depression thread.

[mmaelitefan000]

drugs are only bad if you're addicted to them. if you do ecstacy, coke or meth like once a year, no big deal, you're okay. if you're addicted and use on a daily basis, then yeah you have a problem. my problem right now is smoking cigarettes. been smoking too long and need to quit. i'll probably die from a lung disease related death in my 70s but that's okay.

 

[SowingSeason]

I'm of the mind that meth is a no use kind of drug. But who am I?

 

[SowingSeason]

My back don't work. It's getting harder and harder to stay positive. Can't finish renovations. Wife's fam is finishing it for me. Physio therapist said I can't bend or twist of even walk hills. I can't do shit and feel useless

I struggled with this a lot when I first fucked up my hip and knee in the AF. Feeling useless and broken when you're 20 is a fucking bummer and a half. Break that way of thinking now and just dedicate yourself to reaching physical milestones. If you let that shit take a hold of you now you'll be three years down the road with a cane and a pill problem before you know it.

 

[RetiredSlave]

Good luck everyone.

 

[AgonyandIrony]

Good luck everyone.

I just got laid off, which I'm trying not to see a setback. I have one more week at work, so I should be able to find something this week. Just sucks, my job was cake, and good money with a flexible schedule.

Just sucks, finally felt like I got my head above water. Kind of tired of this endless cycle of "oh I'm doing okay/ well fuck/oh I'm doing okay/well fuck." Oh well, at least I won't be working in a bar anymore so I won't be around cocaine or liquor as much.

Fuck, this has been a rough year.

 

[RetiredSlave]

I just got laid off, which I'm trying not to see a setback. I have one more week at work, so I should be able to find something this week. Just sucks, my job was cake, and good money with a flexible schedule.

Just sucks, finally felt like I got my head above water. Kind of tired of this endless cycle of "oh I'm doing okay/ well fuck/oh I'm doing okay/well fuck." Oh well, at least I won't be working in a bar anymore so I won't be around cocaine or liquor as much.

Fuck, this has been a rough year.

Yeah I hear ya, same on the rough year. Ive come to realize for myself at least that everything always works out, often without me even trying. So many shit things have happened but Ive always come out better on the other side of it.

The universe (for lack of a better descriptor) seems to notice trying to be a good person and good to others. It also, and Im grateful for it, knows when we need a lesson so it throws the struggle at us. Those are the times Ive come to truly appreciate in life, theres no growth, no increase in self awareness, when everything is comfortable and stable. I wish Id realized that earlier rather than lamenting those times at the time.

The depressed, and even the addicted, are capable of looking at their affliction as an opportunity to become stronger. I believe everyone suffering is capable of that because I am and Im far from special. Just another some guy riding the wave to unknown ends.

Joy in triumph and strength and awareness through tragedy to you agony and irony.

 

[Oliver Clothesoff]

I've heard of people using Canabis as a substitute, and have managed to stay clear of hard drugs and alcohol for years. It's not ideal, but for many, it's better solution than total abstinence from everything, which is typically pretty hard to for addicts to maintain for any length of time, and when they DO relapse, they usually go back to the hard stuff or Alcohol which got them into trouble in the first place.

 

[AgonyandIrony]

Yeah I hear ya, same on the rough year. Ive come to realize for myself at least that everything always works out, often without me even trying. So many shit things have happened but Ive always come out better on the other side of it.

The universe (for lack of a better descriptor) seems to notice trying to be a good person and good to others. It also, and Im grateful for it, knows when we need a lesson so it throws the struggle at us. Those are the times Ive come to truly appreciate in life, theres no growth, no increase in self awareness, when everything is comfortable and stable. I wish Id realized that earlier rather than lamenting those times at the time.

The depressed, and even the addicted, are capable of looking at their affliction as an opportunity to become stronger. I believe everyone suffering is capable of that because I am and Im far from special. Just another some guy riding the wave to unknown ends.

Joy in triumph and strength and awareness through tragedy to you agony and irony.

Thanks buddy, I stopped the negative thoughts and did some stress cleaning and organized my stuff and have a job interview Wednesday. It's been a year of up and downs, I've done a lot of traveling and had some incredible times, just have to remember that while getting through the slump.


This is a really good watch for anyone who has been/is suicidal.

 

[45ACP]

I don't know what's wrong with me but I've been dealing with this stuff for a long time and this is the worst I've ever felt. None of the usual things are helping and I'm isolating myself because I can't keep up this facade that everything is ok. I wish I had someone to talk to but I don't have any friends who really understand what this is like. I've never gotten to this point I've always just kept dragging myself out to be around people it was always more comfortable than staying at home by myself but this time I just get uncomfortable I just feel trapped in this internal hell that no one knows about.

 

[DariusTheGreat]

I didn't want to say this because it makes me feel like a piece of shit, but I relapsed a few weeks ago (opioids). I've dealt with depression for most of my life and actually have suicidal thoughts pretty often, but more these days than I ever have before. For some reason I'm getting worse when it comes to those kind of thoughts. My health is actually fucked up because of all the abuse I've put my body through over the years and finding help to see what's wrong isn't as easy as it sounds, so it seems hopeless and feeling like shit both physically and emotionally for so long takes its toll.

I'm worried one of these days I'm not going to wake up because of how I feel all the time, unfortunately nobody takes me seriously because I'm only 24. I'm young, so there can't possibly be anything wrong with me. That's how family looks at it and likely all the asshole doctors I've seen. When there's something wrong with you (health wise), you can feel it. You can feel there's something wrong. People shouldn't feel sick most of the time, puking blood, sudden, brutal headaches, pain in limbs, fucked up breathing, chest pain, etc, is that normal for a 24 year old?

Apparently there's nothing wrong with me though in my family's blind eyes. I've never really been close with anybody in my family besides my brother and father, so the rest (aunts, grandparents) don't give a fuck. Long before I got into drugs to self medicate, my family fucked off. They're a bunch of selfish cunts though anyway, so it's whatever. I could go on and on and actually be detailed, but I guess this is long enough and personal enough.

(I kept writing so I guess it wasn't long enough, lol)

Feel like taking a bunch of morphine and going to sleep half the time but I know it's not the right decision. I have the thoughts often but I know it's not the answer to anything, it's a waste. Even though I know that, no matter what I've done in life, I never was happy. I've been depressed since I was a little kid for fuck's sake and I don't know why. One day after school (like grade 5 or 6), when I got home I went to the kitchen and put a knife to my throat and I don't even know why. I just stood there until my brother got home. I still don't know why I did it. It literally just came over me as soon as I got in the door.

That day wasn't bad at all, it was a normal school day. Nothing bad happened, yet when I got home I went and did that and can't explain why, it just came over me. Another time I filled up the bathtub and planned to drown myself, wrote a note and everything (I was 14 at the time) but my dad came home suddenly, read that note and found me in my room in my closet just sitting there, but it was the look in his face, in his eyes as he was tearing up that got to me most, made me feel very guilty.

Then I had to go to the psych ward or whatever in the hospital for like 2 weeks. I guess I'll stop here since I think I went a little far. I'm not the only one this way though on here clearly as evidenced by this thread and BEER's thread the other day. In my opinion, I already killed myself, I just did it slowly through the abuse I put my body through. Now I'm always feeling sick but that's what happens when you're taking hard drugs and mixing them for years and years.

You get one life so if anybody read this, don't make the same stupid mistakes I did. Ones health is something most take for granted. Your health is worth more than anything else in this world. No amount of money, possessions, etc, comes close to your health. Some here know exactly what I'm talking about, some don't, so believe me when I say that. I wish I took care of myself instead of letting the depression get the best of me/beat me.

Bro your life isnt over you're 24 man, you are still a kid. I know shit can be fucked sometimes and not having familial support makes it even worst but maybe try getting a girlfriend. I think what you need is a relationship with someone who will make you feel good about yourself and not feel the need to numb yourself with drugs.

 

[AgonyandIrony]

I don't know how to feel about this... Today, career wise I got booked featuring and headlining.

I'm getting everything I've ever wanted...

Why do I hurt so much right now? why do I still feel so suicidal? I just had the best show I've ever had.. I'm actually doing well... I thought that would fix me... but it hasn't.

I'm doing a suicide awareness show in January to raise money.. but can anyone who has been in my spot... does it get better?

Will I always hurt like this?

 

[Yunes]

I posted this at another site in between stays at mental/behavioral health facilities. @AgonyandIrony its different for everyone but it got better for me after getting on the right meds and doing a cycle of ECT. My situation changed some for the better also, which helps. So this seems like the place to post this (at sherdog anyway)

"I went in from the ER Because I took a bunch of oxys. They took me in an ambulance which cost me about 1300 bucks. I got there and was very tired and hungry and intake took forever but they brought me food which was nice until I tried to eat the food which wasn't nice at all. I'll say this...they fucked the food up in every way possible, texture-fucked, temperature-fucked, taste-FUCKED. The best thing I had there was fish, effing fish. So first couple of days I was in the chemical dependency side of the ward. I thought this was because there wasn't room on the mental health side but now that I think about it, they probably did it so I could "detox" even though I didn't act up. I didn't do anything. I slept until they made me come be part of the group and then I just sat there and didn't look at anyone or say anything. That's pretty much how I was for the first 2 or 3 days. Everyone was buds, playing games and joking around and I just sat there. Oh, I still had the 35 staples in my back and some other wounds so the nurses were constantly pulling me aside to take care of that shit. Then they moved me to the mental health side."

"So they transferred me over to the mental health side and put me in a room with this diminutive 18 year old kid with schizophrenia, nice kid..quiet. I guess his last roomie was this big loud kind of country dude with long curly hair. He had a weird name like Ivan but a thick country accent. my roomies name was Nick and he always responded to stuff by giving you 2 thumbs up but not the whole thumbs, just the last knuckle..i called them little fonzies. He was kind of popular on the ward. There were a lot of like 18-24 year old girls and he was very much buds with them..I guess at one point or another he tried to court all of them lol, its like "Nick, girls talk buddy." There was also this huge black dude I became friends with, well maybe not huge but 6'5 and easily 240 or 250, Lionel. He had his fucking eyelids tattooed lol. I probably got along with him the best. We had "rec" and he and I would throw the football. Everyone else did crafts or played a musical instrument. I kind of started to..be more involved on the mh side. I "made friends" which is unnatural for me. Also, people started getting discharged and new people were being admitted which made me one of the "veterans" if you could call it that. Oh another thing, there was a lot of vomiting. Not by me but a few of the girls could keep shit down. They made it out like they had diet/stomach issues but those chicks were bulimic if you ask me. So at one point Nick is gone then the girls all got discharged and it was me and lionel and a bunch of newbs and that kind of sucked, we'd look at each other like well this sucks. Sometimes they'd send people over from the chemical dependency side and one was cool, Caleb, and one was an asshole, John. John may have been a bigot, either that he didn't know what was appropriate. He was in lionel's ear and that was causing tension. It came to a head when lionel almost pulled Johns chair out from under him and hit him with it. We talked him down. Later John came up and apologized and told us he was going to the state hospital for help. The next day lionel and I are throwing the ball and I said "hey that was some real shit John did huh, apologizing.." And he thought about it for a second and said yeah it was.

So nicks gone, the girls are gone, john is gone lol, caleb..actually he was still there. We had some new people though, Matthew who was a physics major at a local college but had some disorder, Brandon (nicki) who claimed to be transgendered but had a full beard (i'm pretty sure he was fucking with us) and Sarah who was about 26 or 27 and homeless. Sarah was fucking nuts, I honestly think she was just there for a bed some drugs and food. She asked me at one point if she could have my pants or a pair of my jeans rather, she wasn't asking for me to take my pants off I don't think. She was tall and had the hairiest legs I've ever seen on a chick. She would vomit too but she'd do it right after they gave her Ativan then she'd fish it out of her puke and tell them she puked it up and she needed another...you aint foolin anyone sarah."

"Also, this place was like a nice jail. you were constantly under lock and key. Always had staff with you anywhere you went. Never had two doors open at the same time, that type of shit. It was pretty suicide proof too. Everything was either nailed down or foam and there was literally nothing you could hang yourself on. Shower head was tapered so anything you tied to it would slide right off. The hook to hang your towel on was like a light switch so anything more than about 7 pounds and it would flip down and you'd slide off. They'd really thought of everything. Smoke breaks..they had 4 or 5 a day and not everyone had cigs. The nurse would bring 2 out per person per break and the people that didn't have any would try and sneak some puffs or a cig from those who did which was a no-no. Sometimes the nurse lets us share which was cool."

"Ok so towards the end of my stay I started getting restless. There were people coming in and getting discharged while I was still there. They were trying to get my lithium levels right and I get it but still. Oh, and they transferred me to the trauma unit for a night because they had too many adolescents so they had to combine us with the cd people. Logistically they made it a lot harder than it had to be and I almost told them what they were doing wrong but the entire staff seemed put out by the whole ordeal so I didn't. Later the charge nurse told me they transferred me because they felt I would bitch the least and they were right I suppose. His name was Chris, the charge nurse, and he was pretty cool. One day I was sitting at a table with lionel and some other and praying Sarah wouldn't come up and start rambling. Anyway Chris hollers over to lionel that he need to give a ua. Lionel fires back "for what!" (he was getting a little crispy too at this point). Chris said "it's for a tox screen". And he and I look at one another and I'm like fuck you've been here for 9 days. But then I remembered I did one when I was admitted so I asked Chris what was in mine and he said to give him a minute. So 10 minutes later he calls me over and I was positive for opiates, hydros, amphetamines, and benzos."

"The last few days kind of sucked, everyone was gone and it was me and the new people. One night we get this black girl in 25 or 26 somewhere around there. And were doing our nighttime process group where we go around the room and everyone talks about some shit, feelings or whatever..it wasn't very structured. So we get to new girl and she says her name, and i'm probably fucking this up, and I think it was chardonnay but not spelled like that, it was Shardoneigh or some shit. So she's damn near impossible to understand and I'm not trying to be a prick but she was. So she goes into her story and how she was depressed and maybe suicidal (I honestly couldn't tell what she was saying) because her mom was a real asshole to her and her because she was "developmentally challenged". That really bothered me..how could you be mean to your child for something like that? Odds are she's like that because the mom was a piece of shit when she was pregnant. Then she says she's sad because her brother just got shot. So she's done talking and everyone starts giving her support, saying really nice stuff When it can around to me all I could say was "sorry your brother got shot". So everyone finishes giving her love or whatever and she starts to thank us and I go off in my head thinking, don't thank us that's what were here for..aint none of us right, I mean were all fucked up. its a goddamn mental hospital..and just then I kind of pulled myself back to the room in time to hear her say "you make my heart smile..." I had to excuse myself. She went simple fucking jack on us. I swear to God sometimes I thought people were doing bits..

Oh, later that night I found out she was HIV positive and she had a "wet spot" on her head, which was obviously a sore. she was sitting there on the couch whipping her pick comb around. Now I know that's not transferrable like that but come on Shardoneigh!!"

"Oh also, we weren't allowed to use the TV remote because someone ate the batteries once"

 

[trolololol]

I'm of the mind that meth is a no use kind of drug. But who am I?

It's not that much different than Adderall. Both are Central Nervous System stimulants, and a small amount of meth will wake you the fuck up for at least 4-8 hours without fiending for more.

I'm not saying go out and use meth, but there is a practical use for it.

 

[Hollywood Jack]

don't get rich if you are an addict, of any kind.
imagine what will happen if you will suddenly be able to afford all the things that make you sick.
now, imagine you are rich enough so that money is not an issue, so that you can afford to sponsor the addictions of your friends as well.
you will become a walking black hole of destruction.

It's still better to be rich, I think.

 

[CauseImbetta]

Sounds dumb, but our Sherbro's suicide attempt hurt a lot.

We all hurt, we're all here for a reason... so share what's on your mind. This thread offers no judgement, only support (I hope).

I'll start.. I didn't buy coke tonight.. I felt a weird hold grab over me as soon as I got paid (I got paid in cash and I finished a 15 hour shift today) I went to the poolhall my dealer is at, and... I just left.

To everyone suffering and struggling, how did you get through the night?

MOD EDIT:

THIS IS NOT A TROLLING THREAD. AND ANY ATTEMPTS TO TROLL OR DERAIL IN AN ATTEMPT FOR CHUCKLES OR SOAPBOX POSTING WILL BE DEALT WITH SWIFTLY. POSSIBLE BANNING. NOT THE PLACE.

The best way is finding an outlet. We are all human and vulnerable. We all fill in voids differently. No one is in a position to judge another till they have walked 1000 miles in their shoes.

I think future decisions depend greatly on past experience. Such as coming from a supportive family. Gaining confidence at a young age. If some never had that opportunity due to misfortune, we have to do it ourselves. Join a social program. A club. BJJ, boxing, dancing, toastmasters, what ever gets you though the day. Build pillars of support.

Pillars of support are:
emotional
physical
spiritual
If one falls, others will fall. Keep all 3 balanced. Do what it takes. Have no shame. Have pride in who you are and how far you have come.

 

[pinger]

I don't know what's wrong with me but I've been dealing with this stuff for a long time and this is the worst I've ever felt. None of the usual things are helping and I'm isolating myself because I can't keep up this facade that everything is ok. I wish I had someone to talk to but I don't have any friends who really understand what this is like. I've never gotten to this point I've always just kept dragging myself out to be around people it was always more comfortable than staying at home by myself but this time I just get uncomfortable I just feel trapped in this internal hell that no one knows about.

Are you on medication? Sounds like you have some social anxiety coming through as well, I suffer with it as well.

 

[Graves The Elder]

says so much about dealing with depression.
from military service members to average citizen suffering.
just don't lose the will to live.

 

[Significance Deficit]

Suffered from a lifetime of depression. Attempted suicide twice with ODs. Shared needles with whoever because life meant nothing. Now, I'm a couple months away from 4 years with no alcohol or hard drugs.

I'm genuinely happy, which I didn't think was possible. Earned a black belt in BJJ and graduated from college since getting clean. I either surf, work out or run every day. Finally getting off probation in January and will be able to close that chapter of my life for good. People who've known me through it all are shocked by how different I am now and people I've met recently would never guess that I have the past I do. The depressive tendencies will always be there, but it's different now. That's really all I can say about it. I feel grateful and appreciative every day that I'm alive.

You have to do all the right things for years on end, even when it doesn't seem like there will be any payoff. There'll be a lot of setbacks along the way. It takes a level of discipline and sacrifice that most people cannot comprehend to get through this shit. If you follow the path for long enough though, eventually you'll be saying and doing things you never would have in the past. It's worth it. My thoughts are with anyone in here who's suffering.

 

[45ACP]

Are you on medication? Sounds like you have some social anxiety coming through as well, I suffer with it as well.

Not currently.

I've been on and off psych meds for 15 years now. None of the antidepressants have seemed to work, though the anti anxiety meds I was on for a while helped with that part of it.

I've never been anti-social, just the opposite actually. But yeah, right now I just feel so uncomfortable and miserable all the time I don't like being around other people because it's too much to hide and I don't want everyone thinking I'm a miserable weirdo. I've even become withdrawn at work which is not a good thing in my position.

I feel like I'm all of the worst parts of myself and none of the best right now. I'm usually the guy who goes to the bar and has everyone laughing and buying each other drinks by the end of the night. Now I go to the bar and sit as far away from everyone else as possible and chug whiskey by the glass until it's time to go home (ubering btw, last thing I need is another DUI).

I know getting hammered every night is counter productive when you're suffering from depression but I don't know how else to cope. My normal outlets/crutches of training and skateboarding are out the window right now because I'm injured on top of everything else. I'm gonna need surgery on both wrists, I tore the same ligament in both of them and it's 6 month recovery on each one.

I have some other bullshit I'm dealing with right now and I'm trying the strategy where I just put my head down and keep moving forward doing the things I know I need to do and as has happened in the past, after a while I'll pick my head up and look around and hopefully see how far I've come but this time feels different. I'm really starting to get to the point where I don't give a fuck any more and all this pushing myself and fighting seems pointless. I literally don't really feel like there's any purpose to any of this and there's really no good reason for me to keep trying.

 

[Morning Star]

Just wanted to say I really appreciate this thread. Not gonna share too much but I've gone clean with everything but booze (weekends only but have cut back a lot). Had a really bad health scare after partying in NOLA and had to go to the emergency room when my body shut down (thought I was having a heart attack on the plane ride home). Felt super depressed for a few days but I feel a lot better being clean. So much more motivated. Haven't smoked weed in a month. That's the longest I've gone without it in maybe 6-8 years or so.