Ridiculous but true confessions

One time my mom yelled "who ate all the cookies?"

And I said, "Mom, I cannot tell a lie. I ate the cookies."

But that was a lie. I didn't eat them. I just wanted to test my lying skills. Whoever did eat the cookies probably thought I was crazy.
 
I was barely 17 and I once killed a boy with a fender guitar.I don't remember if it was a Telecaster or a Stratocaster,but i do rememberthat it had a heart of chrome and a voice like a horny angel.

I don't remember if it was a Telecaster or a Stratocaster, but I do remember that it wasn't at all easy.It required the perfect combination of the right powerchords and the precise angle from which to strike.

The guitar bled for about a week afterwards and the blood was ooh...dark and rich like wild berries.
 
Fedorgasm said:
Confess your most ridiculous sins here.

You'll find no judgement on this thread, my sons (and daughter).

I'll go first.

I never thought Tracey McGrady was a great player. But in hindsight I think I was just biased because he had weird eyes.

Your turn.
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I eat my own spunk on the regular.

No homo!
 
when i eat pretzel sticks, i start out by nibbling the salt off like a hamster, then eat the stick. it's like edging. building up the saltiness in my mouth.
then, it's too much, i gotta take a handful of pretzels and throw them in my gullet, chew two or three times, then sip diet pepsi. the saltiness is fantastic.
it's the cumming of salt n crunch!
 
When me and my wife argue via text, sometimes I’ll just record a fart and send it to her. It always makes her more pissed off, but at least it lightens my mood. I’ve had to disguise it as she started to catch on around the 5th time. I started texting stuff like “you know I love you so just remember what matters” and then send the fart audio. The last time it worked was “Hey, did you get this message from (insert kid’s name)?”
 
Kardashians said:
when i eat pretzel sticks, i start out by nibbling the salt off like a hamster, then eat the stick. it's like edging. building up the saltiness in my mouth.
then, it's too much, i gotta take a handful of pretzels and throw them in my gullet, chew two or three times, then sip diet pepsi. the saltiness is fantastic.
it's the cumming of salt n crunch!
Click to expand...

full
 
At Lollapalooza 1996 or so Wu Tang Clan tossed a bunch of frisbees into the crowd.

Later on a Frisbee landed by me, I picked it up, threw it and hit the Soundgarden drummer during their show. They stopped playing and Chris Cornell told the crowd to beat me up, but I moved to a different location so people didn't recognize me as the guy who threw the Frisbee.
 
@jeff7b9 just reminded me of one. I was in junior high school and went to a pro wrestling event with Andre the Giant in the main event. I was pretty far back but evidently close enough to them walking out that the piece of pretzel my weak arm threw, flew true and hit Andre right on the forehead.

Then he died. And when he fell he crushed 4 spectators to death. Then Pedro Morales had to forfeit the tag team championship match. And I was responsible for all of that. We’ll not the last few bits but I did hit him with pretzel, can’t recall for sure but I think no mustard on it, but still feel bad when I think on it

Ps @MarloStanfield if yours is true can we get some details? We’re you traveling alone? Did anyone know what happened? What did you do to try to cover it up? Please Tell the story in full Sherbro
 
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khukurikoo said:
When me and my wife argue via text, sometimes I’ll just record a fart and send it to her. It always makes her more pissed off, but at least it lightens my mood. I’ve had to disguise it as she started to catch on around the 5th time. I started texting stuff like “you know I love you so just remember what matters” and then send the fart audio. The last time it worked was “Hey, did you get this message from (insert kid’s name)?”
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haha i used to do that but I would text it to myself from her phone and then text back later "eww how could you" "that's not very lady like" or "no more bean dip for you tonight"

try that next time
 
When I was in 3rd grade, I kicked a blind kid named Keith in the shin as he was passing by. He annoyed me not because of his blindness, but because he acted like a jerk towards everyone. I wasn’t trying to hurt him or anything. I wasn’t a psycho

I still think about that over 30 years later and want to punch myself for doing that. Poor guy couldn’t see since he was born. I’d be a jerk too never being able to watch a movie or see the sunset
 
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