Married with newborn on the way.

[dawnslayer]

Why did you get married, dude? For love? Don't be a Stark.

it never ends well.

 

[Deleted member 409801]

I really don't understand why so many turn to counseling.

If you aren't happy in the relationship does it really make sense to pay someone an exorbitant amount of money to essentially attempt to talk you back into loving that person?

Its supposed to be about having a non-biased party evaluate mistakes you may be making and offering advice. Sometimes another set of eyes and ears can expose a new way of doing or looking at things

 

[VulcanNervPinch]

I hate talking about myself, unless I

 

[irish_thug]

Containing things like this will not end well. I went through some weird shit when my wife was pregnant with our first, not like what you're going through though. I kept it to myself, but my wife could see something was wrong, it got to the point that she thought I was cheating on her. It took some serious arguments before I was honest with myself and with her. Nothing is ever perfect, but you love her enough that you married her, don't put an expiry date on things. Let the baby come, and a lot will work itself out. The stuff that doesn't you guys will have to work out yourselves.


And like Equus said, come over to the eat drink and be married thread, good guys in there.

http://forums.sherdog.com/forums/f4...-cavvy-loves-johnny-football-edition-2772447/

 

[Banchan]

Its supposed to be about having a non-biased party evaluate mistakes you may be making and offering advice. Sometimes another set of eyes and ears can expose a new way of doing or looking at things

And that still wont help until BOTH parties want to make it work. Does it sound like he wants to make it work right now? It sounds like he is only staying because of the baby. Let's not forget, he was having thoughts of leaving for a year now. I say the prognosis is not good at all.

 

[Deleted member 409801]

And that still wont help until BOTH parties want to make it work. Does it sound like he wants to make it work right now? It sounds like he is only staying because of the baby. Let's not forget, he was having thoughts of leaving for a year now. I say the prognosis is not good at all.

I didn't say it would do anything.....did I? I was responding to the Skoal bandit there and " what's counseling gonna do? Talking to somebody else....thats gay" . Its no magic bullet , but has its place

 

[Banchan]

I didn't say it would do anything.....did I? I was responding to the Skoal bandit there and " what's counseling gonna do? Talking to somebody else....thats gay" . Its no magic bullet , but has its place

If there was strong evidence to suggest that therapy had its place in a marriage, there would be a strong opinion to seek help before the marriage went bad as a means to maintain a healthy marriage. It has its "place" primarily as a last resort, when it is least likely to be effective. There is no proof anywhere that marriage therapy is effective. In fact, there is more written data from therapists themselves that suggests that therapy often creates a bigger division between couples contemplating separation when everything comes out in the open. The facts point strongly to: If you're looking for therapy to save your relationship, it is already too late.

The only thing I see viable for TS is to move out. Have some time and distance apart. See what life is like without the wife. See what life will be like raising a baby with his wife from separate homes. At this point, if you are still happier living separate lives, date someone else and consider divorce. This is cause of his doubt. Address the doubt. Then make a decision.

 

[Shayo]

If there was strong evidence to suggest that therapy had its place in a marriage, there would be a strong opinion to seek help before the marriage went bad as a means to maintain a healthy marriage. It has its "place" primarily as a last resort, when it is least likely to be effective. There is no proof anywhere that marriage therapy is effective. In fact, there is more written data from therapists themselves that suggests that therapy often creates a bigger division between couples contemplating separation when everything comes out in the open. The facts point strongly to: If you're looking for therapy to save your relationship, it is already too late.

The only thing I see viable for TS is to move out. Have some time and distance apart. See what life is like without the wife. See what life will be like raising a baby with his wife from separate homes. At this point, if you are still happier living separate lives, date someone else and consider divorce. This is cause of his doubt. Address the doubt. Then make a decision.

Read through most of the thread and this guy is giving solid advice Imo.

The only catch is how is she going to react to this. Will she be civil and let Ts see the kid and be cool when he comes round etc. Or will she go full on fatal attraction and fuck him up bad. It could go either way
.

 

[Cake4Breakfast]

And that still wont help until BOTH parties want to make it work. Does it sound like he wants to make it work right now? It sounds like he is only staying because of the baby. Let's not forget, he was having thoughts of leaving for a year now. I say the prognosis is not good at all.

Therapy has its own life, and you are defining "help" only as keeping the marriage together. Help for TS may be teaching them both new ways of relating resulting in him getting his needs met and feeling good about his marriage, or it may be teaching him new healthy ways of communicating and advocating for himself and his needs that his wife is unwilling to adjust to, but will help him in future relationships.

Avoidance of confrontation, self sacrifice, and denial of his feelings and needs seems to have been, and continues to be, how TS lives in his relationship. TS has room for growth (we all do), and he has at least some role in the current state of things in his life/family. He has struggled to advocate for himself and his needs when she feels hurt by him trying to express his view of things and his needs, and him leaving her and their family will hurt her. There is no way around that, so how is that going to affect him and his view of himself if he leaves?

 

[Deleted member 409801]

If there was strong evidence to suggest that therapy had its place in a marriage, there would be a strong opinion to seek help before the marriage went bad as a means to maintain a healthy marriage. It has its "place" primarily as a last resort, when it is least likely to be effective. There is no proof anywhere that marriage therapy is effective. In fact, there is more written data from therapists themselves that suggests that therapy often creates a bigger division between couples contemplating separation when everything comes out in the open. The facts point strongly to: If you're looking for therapy to save your relationship, it is already too late.

The only thing I see viable for TS is to move out. Have some time and distance apart. See what life is like without the wife. See what life will be like raising a baby with his wife from separate homes. At this point, if you are still happier living separate lives, date someone else and consider divorce. This is cause of his doubt. Address the doubt. Then make a decision.

Its often used to improve a moderatly troubled marriage , one not necessarily on the precipice. Do you contend that it's completely useless? Is that the conclusion that the therapist you cite came to? That their craft is completely ineffectual? Also , it doesn't mean much being anecdotal , but my parents came to a pretty significant crisis when I was 10 or so and they credit counseling with having a significant hand in resolving that.

Unless you are going to contend that counseling is completely meritless in all cases im not sure why you're focusing on my comment. I was simply addressing someone else's apparent claim that it was useless in any context.....not even considering the op's problem.

Id also take exception with advising this guy to pack it in. Are you close enough to be suggesting that? There is a strong chance , as he is still waffeling a bit, that he moves out and by doing so creates so much resentment that while he may reconsider his feelings but end damaging the relationship beyond repair , he might shut that door forever by moving out ( especially when she is freaking 8 months pregnant) I can guarantee you she isn't gonna be open to a " trial separation" just to see how things go. She'll feel abandoned ( rightfully so) and he'll likely end up with an enemy of the worst kind.....one with lots of leverage to hold over his head.....at least in the short term.

 

[Fugazy]

Gotta get the spice back my dude. Buy a bucket of baby oil and dip her in it. Then put her in a neon green hexagon fishnet body-suit. Hopefully she knows how to dance for a white chick, turn on the 2 Chainz add some fuck me pumps to the outfit have some liquor and a bucket of Popeye's chicken nearby... Rinse and repeat with a few variations once a week, make an event out of it.

There ya go man.

 

[Cake4Breakfast]

If there was strong evidence to suggest that therapy had its place in a marriage, there would be a strong opinion to seek help before the marriage went bad as a means to maintain a healthy marriage. It has its "place" primarily as a last resort, when it is least likely to be effective. There is no proof anywhere that marriage therapy is effective. In fact, there is more written data from therapists themselves that suggests that therapy often creates a bigger division between couples contemplating separation when everything comes out in the open. The facts point strongly to: If you're looking for therapy to save your relationship, it is already too late.

The only thing I see viable for TS is to move out. Have some time and distance apart. See what life is like without the wife. See what life will be like raising a baby with his wife from separate homes. At this point, if you are still happier living separate lives, date someone else and consider divorce. This is cause of his doubt. Address the doubt. Then make a decision.

You really can't know what is viable here. You don't know TS, you don't know his wife, and you don't know the whole situation. Therefore, I would be wary of advising a course of action. Moving out might address the doubt, but if he wants back in, that might not be an option.

 

[SleepyBoy]

You story so reminds me of this bit.

sorry if it has been posted before.

[YT]SoRKaq8VhOU[/YT]

 

[Banchan]

The only catch is how is she going to react to this. Will she be civil and let Ts see the kid and be cool when he comes round etc. Or will she go full on fatal attraction and fuck him up bad. It could go either way
.

You can't control anyone's actions but your own. She could go fatal attraction on him even if he stays. There is no better time than to figure this out before the baby is born and before they are old enough to understand what is going on.

 

[Banchan]

Therapy has its own life, and you are defining "help" only as keeping the marriage together. Help for TS may be teaching them both new ways of relating resulting in him getting his needs met and feeling good about his marriage, or it may be teaching him new healthy ways of communicating and advocating for himself and his needs that his wife is unwilling to adjust to, but will help him in future relationships.

Avoidance of confrontation, self sacrifice, and denial of his feelings and needs seems to have been, and continues to be, how TS lives in his relationship. TS has room for growth (we all do), and he has at least some role in the current state of things in his life/family. He has struggled to advocate for himself and his needs when she feels hurt by him trying to express his view of things and his needs, and him leaving her and their family will hurt her. There is no way around that, so how is that going to affect him and his view of himself if he leaves?

None of this matters unless that is what BOTH people want. This isn't my opinion, any therapist will tell you that. From what he has written, does it sound like he is open to that? It actually sounds like he had made up his mind over the last year but then was blindsided by her pregnancy and is now only hanging on because he has a baby on the way. In fact, the whole baby situation has driven them even further apart.

Id also take exception with advising this guy to pack it in. Are you close enough to be suggesting that? There is a strong chance , as he is still waffeling a bit, that he moves out and by doing so creates so much resentment that while he may reconsider his feelings but end damaging the relationship beyond repair , he might shut that door forever by moving out ( especially when she is freaking 8 months pregnant) I can guarantee you she isn't gonna be open to a " trial separation" just to see how things go. She'll feel abandoned ( rightfully so) and he'll likely end up with an enemy of the worst kind.....one with lots of leverage to hold over his head.....at least in the short term.

You really can't know what is viable here. You don't know TS, you don't know his wife, and you don't know the whole situation. Therefore, I would be wary of advising a course of action. Moving out might address the doubt, but if he wants back in, that might not be an option.

Isn't this why he ended up staying with his girlfriend when he was first having doubts and then she got pregnant ? Now he feels trapped and his doubt just increased. If it didn't solve anything staying an additional year, is it going to resolve itself if he stays another year?

How about actually addressing the issue now ? Seems like mulling it over in the head and staying out of fear of not finding anything else better did nothing but make everything worse.

 

[Deleted member 409801]

None of this matters unless that is what BOTH people want. This isn't my opinion, any therapist will tell you that. From what he has written, does it sound like he is open to that? It actually sounds like he had made up his mind over the last year but then was blindsided by her pregnancy and is now only hanging on because he has a baby on the way. In fact, the whole baby situation has driven them even further apart.






Isn't this why he ended up staying with his girlfriend when he was first having doubts and then she got pregnant ? Now he feels trapped and his doubt just increased. If it didn't solve anything staying an additional year, is it going to resolve itself if he stays another year?

How about actually addressing the issue now ? Seems like mulling it over in the head and staying out of fear of not finding anything else better did nothing but make everything worse.

Im glad that you feel confident advising a complete stranger that also happens to be one third of a very real family to cut the chord and roll out. It may seem like a interesting exercise from the comfort of your laptop.....but the stakes are too high and your actual knowledge of the situation far to little to be passing it off as sage advice. I hope guy does what's best for him and his new family , treads carefully weighs all options . That is all

 

[Banchan]

Im glad that you feel confident advising a complete stranger that also happens to be one third of a very real family to cut the chord and roll out. It may seem like a interesting exercise from the comfort of your laptop.....but the stakes are too high and your actual knowledge of the situation far to little to be passing it off as sage advice. I hope guy does what's best for him and his new family , treads carefully weighs all options . That is all

You might want to read that post again. I advised him to deal with his doubt instead of burying it and continuing to house a deep seated resentment (which just keeps growing) against his wife and his situation. I find it amusing that you don't feel as though you should exercise caution when you advise him to stay despite his anger and resentment. Nothing could possibly go wrong with that right? As long as they're under 1 miserable roof together, all is well.

 

[Deleted member 409801]

You might want to read that post again. I advised him to deal with his doubt instead of burying it and continuing to house a deep seeded resentment (which just keeps growing) against his wife and his situation. I find it amusing that you don't feel as though you should exercise caution when you advise him to stay despite his anger and resentment. Nothing could possibly go wrong with that right? As long as they're under 1 miserable roof together, all is well.

I don't recall advising him either way. I just hope he gives it a lot of thought and talks to some of his real life confidantes before he does anything drastic at this sensitive juncture.

I wouldn't feel comfortable sitting down across from a friend and giving him your advice if he was in the same situation and I had the same amount of information that we've been given. You feel confident giving the same advice to a stranger.....i don't , end of story.

 

[Cake4Breakfast]

None of this matters unless that is what BOTH people want. This isn't my opinion, any therapist will tell you that. From what he has written, does it sound like he is open to that? It actually sounds like he had made up his mind over the last year but then was blindsided by her pregnancy and is now only hanging on because he has a baby on the way. In fact, the whole baby situation has driven them even further apart.






Isn't this why he ended up staying with his girlfriend when he was first having doubts and then she got pregnant ? Now he feels trapped and his doubt just increased. If it didn't solve anything staying an additional year, is it going to resolve itself if he stays another year?

How about actually addressing the issue now ? Seems like mulling it over in the head and staying out of fear of not finding anything else better did nothing but make everything worse.

Dude, you have one day of the guy's posting, one day of feelings, one point in time (ever heard of state dependent memory), and you are giving the guy advice to leave an eight year relationship, while his wife (not girlfriend) is pregnant? You have an itchy trigger finger there Tex.

My point is the guy could benefit from counseling, it may not save his marriage, but he needs someone to talk to, for his benefit either way.

 

[Banchan]

I wouldn't feel comfortable sitting down across from a friend and giving him your advice if he was in the same situation and I had the same amount of information that we've been given. You feel confident giving the same advice to a stranger.....i don't , end of story.

Perhaps you should read the thread more carefully before posting a response. He says he doesn't feel comfortable talking to anybody in his life nor a therapist about this. Yet all of your posts suggest that he do just that or criticize others who have a different point of view than you. Your posts in the kids thread is also very similar.