MisterHippo
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Since the Mamba is retiring this year, here is a little post I found recapping some of the highlights of his legendary career.
The year is 1996. Bill Clinton is president. Gas is $1.22 a gallon. The Macarena by Los Del Rio is the #1 song. In many ways, the world is a young, innocent neophyte with a twinkle in its eyes and a bright future ahead. It was a time before 9/11. A time before the Rwandan genocide. A time before Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2. Little did we know that on a warm June night in New Jersey at the NBA Draft, a young man named Kobe Bean Bryant would begin a career that would change the face of the world. A career that would turn fraudulence from a petty skill to a beautiful art form.
Indeed, in his 20-year career, Kobe has transcended the throne of fraudulence and has become a deity. Now that his story is coming to a close, let us look back at some of the fraudulence milestones this titan has managed to achieve. So sit back, relax, crack open a brewski, and come with us as we take a historical journey of bogusness.
Winning 5 rings and 2 Finals MVPs while never being the best player on a championship team
Kobe was carried to 3 rings by a peak Shaq, then carried/luckboxed into 2 rings by Gasol. That's a fact. If it wasn't for Kobe, The Lakers would have won at least 8 rings during that time span. Also a fact.
The #1 reason he is the most overrated player in NBA history is that everyone handwaves every argument against him and simply falls back on his 5 rangz. There are some people who even claim he is > Duncan, Jordan, Lebron, etc. on this fact alone, when in reality Kobe is closer to Mitch Richmond/Clyde Drexler than GOAT tier.
Fraud Score: 9 Robert Horrys
Trying to force a trade to the Bulls when he realized he was a terrible basketball player and he can't do **** on his own
After forcing the Lakers to trade away Shaq and get rid of Phil Jackson, the Lakers were a one-man team. Kobe soon realized that he was a fraud and was exposed as one, with the Lakers struggling in the playoffs. Doing what any beta coward would do in this situation, he attempted to flee and hide. The cockaroach tried to scurry away, but was trapped in the spotlight. Fortunately for him, it worked out in the end when the Lakers luckboxed into a Gasol trade and Jackson coming back despite calling Kobe "uncoachable" in his book.
Fraud score: 4 I bury those cockaroaches
*Allegedly raping a woman
Claims to have had consensual sex with a 19 year-old hotel employee, but the woman had vaginal trauma and Kobe's shirt had the victim's blood on it. He then went full beta and begged his wife to stay with him by buying her a huge ass apology ring.
Fraud score: 8 Ben Roethlisbergers' accuser statements
Winning the 2008 MVP despite being clearly worse than Chris Paul's year, and winning 9 defensive first team awards despite being horrible at defense
Kobe has the same number of MVP awards as Shaq despite being infinitely worse. He has more all NBA defensive first team awards than Olajuwon, Wallace, Camby, Duncan, Bowen, Howard, Artest, Rodman, and Pippen. Tragic.
Fraud score: 10 Jeter Jump Throws
Giving himself a nickname
"I read up on the animal and said, 'Wow, this is pretty awesome,” Bryant recalled. “This is a perfect description of how I would want my game to be"
You know who gives themselves nicknames? Drunk fratbros and 5 year olds. The former loves raping 19 year-old sloots. The latter likes to pretend they have superpowers and throw fits when they don't get what they want. So now that I think about it, I guess it really makes sense that Kobe would do that.
Fraud score: 5 uses of the word "gargantuan"
Building an image of a clutch hero when he's really just a ballhog chucker
" I would go 0-for-30 before I would go 0-for-9."
"A man of his word, Bryant has missed more shots than any player in league history. His 13,919 missed field-goal attempts through Sunday have surpassed John Havlicek’s record of 13,417. As long as he stays healthy, Bryant will surely miss his 14,000th shot soon. (Bryant ranks third, behind Abdul-Jabbar and Karl Malone, in shots taken.)"
Kobe is at best an average clutch performer. A combination of confirmation bias and extremely high usage has led many to believe Kobe is the most clutch player in the league. Throw enough **** at a wall, and something will stick.
In reality, the Lakers would have done much better with someone else in Kobe's shoes, since anyone else wouldn't have willingly taken on triple and quadruple teams like an idiot. Kobe's refusal to pass in these situations have made it easy for opposing teams to defend him, thus costing his team tons of equity. Another testament to why Kobe is the most overrated player in the history of the NBA.
Fraud score: 7 you shall not pass's
Being named after food
His first name is derived from Kobe beef. His middle name is derived from his father's nickname, Jellybean.
Goofy-ass mother****er. He should have been named after some fake-ass, overrated **** to suit his personality like Chipotle ChicagoDeepDishPizza Bryant.
Fraud Score: 3 Milk steaks and raw jelly beans
The JawTM
Kobe is the perfect embodiment for the city of Los Angeles. His fakeness and acting skills shine through when it matters the most. The JawTM made its appearance almost exclusively during the 2009 playoff run, then mysteriously vanished. If it was a natural reaction from pumped up adrenaline or whatever, seems weird, huh? To just pop up and vanish in a ~4 week span. It's almost like he practiced it in the mirror, performed it like an act in front of the cameras, and then neatly ended its run like a broadway showing.
I just love the thought of Kobe in his house, standing in front of a mirror, trying out different "intimidating" faces. He's scrunching his eyebrows, showing his teeth, opening up his eyes, etc. He keeps calling his wife over, "Babe, how about this one?" "Honey, you're perfect just the way you are." "I know, babe. But the Mamba needs to show the people he's king."
The funny thing is, Stuart Scott called him out on this during the championship parade interview, and Kobe had the cringiest response ever. I spent about an hour trying to find the clip, but it seems to have vanished. If anyone else can find it, please post it.
Fraud Score: 10 I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me's
Single-handedly destroying the franchise in his twilight years
Kobe's mere presence the last few years has ravaged the Lakers and prevented a proper rebuilding effort. His stubborn refusal to acknowledge his demise is both sad and disastrous. His ridiculous salaries ($28 mil in 2013, $30 mil in 2014), his playing time taking away minutes from younger players, criticizing his teams defense while not playing any, being a general distraction, and mailing it in when he does play.
Fraud score: 4 Manny Pacquiaos singing Let it Go
Calling a ref a F***ing F****t during a game, then turning around and posting a anti-gay slur tweet as a PR move
looool how obvious can you be
Fraud score: 2 Hill dawg flip flops
Winning the dunk contest
Kobe had 5 dunks in the 1997 dunk contest (0:09, 0:24, 0:45, 1:50, 3:20).
He missed 2 of them. Of the 3 he made, 2 sucked. Only the 4th one, at 1:50 was decent. And Aaron Gordon didn't win this year for sitting on air. **** you, Kobe.
Fraud score: 6 Kenny Smith waiting all night to say "It's OVAAAAAAHHHHHHH" but never getting to say it because Kobe sucked, so Charles Barkley gives Kenny his chilly cheese dog to cheer him up
His music career
Quote:
Think ya eyein' me, all along, I'm eyein' you
The hunter becomes the hunted, girl, I'm preying on you
Fraud Score: 3 Shaq-Fu: Da Return
This Photoshoot
Kill yourself.
Fraud score: 7 P Diddy Hamptons All White Parties
Well, there you have it folks. We laughed, we cried, we cringed, we even raped a little. This pioneer of fraud really brought a new level to flimflamery. So let us all truly appreciate these last few games of his career and remember how far we've come since that summer night in June. Kobe Bryant: a legacy of betaness, a legacy of overratedness, a legacy of fraudulence.
The year is 1996. Bill Clinton is president. Gas is $1.22 a gallon. The Macarena by Los Del Rio is the #1 song. In many ways, the world is a young, innocent neophyte with a twinkle in its eyes and a bright future ahead. It was a time before 9/11. A time before the Rwandan genocide. A time before Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2. Little did we know that on a warm June night in New Jersey at the NBA Draft, a young man named Kobe Bean Bryant would begin a career that would change the face of the world. A career that would turn fraudulence from a petty skill to a beautiful art form.
Indeed, in his 20-year career, Kobe has transcended the throne of fraudulence and has become a deity. Now that his story is coming to a close, let us look back at some of the fraudulence milestones this titan has managed to achieve. So sit back, relax, crack open a brewski, and come with us as we take a historical journey of bogusness.
Winning 5 rings and 2 Finals MVPs while never being the best player on a championship team
Kobe was carried to 3 rings by a peak Shaq, then carried/luckboxed into 2 rings by Gasol. That's a fact. If it wasn't for Kobe, The Lakers would have won at least 8 rings during that time span. Also a fact.
The #1 reason he is the most overrated player in NBA history is that everyone handwaves every argument against him and simply falls back on his 5 rangz. There are some people who even claim he is > Duncan, Jordan, Lebron, etc. on this fact alone, when in reality Kobe is closer to Mitch Richmond/Clyde Drexler than GOAT tier.
Fraud Score: 9 Robert Horrys
Trying to force a trade to the Bulls when he realized he was a terrible basketball player and he can't do **** on his own
After forcing the Lakers to trade away Shaq and get rid of Phil Jackson, the Lakers were a one-man team. Kobe soon realized that he was a fraud and was exposed as one, with the Lakers struggling in the playoffs. Doing what any beta coward would do in this situation, he attempted to flee and hide. The cockaroach tried to scurry away, but was trapped in the spotlight. Fortunately for him, it worked out in the end when the Lakers luckboxed into a Gasol trade and Jackson coming back despite calling Kobe "uncoachable" in his book.
Fraud score: 4 I bury those cockaroaches
*Allegedly raping a woman
Claims to have had consensual sex with a 19 year-old hotel employee, but the woman had vaginal trauma and Kobe's shirt had the victim's blood on it. He then went full beta and begged his wife to stay with him by buying her a huge ass apology ring.
Fraud score: 8 Ben Roethlisbergers' accuser statements
Winning the 2008 MVP despite being clearly worse than Chris Paul's year, and winning 9 defensive first team awards despite being horrible at defense
Kobe has the same number of MVP awards as Shaq despite being infinitely worse. He has more all NBA defensive first team awards than Olajuwon, Wallace, Camby, Duncan, Bowen, Howard, Artest, Rodman, and Pippen. Tragic.
Fraud score: 10 Jeter Jump Throws
Giving himself a nickname
"I read up on the animal and said, 'Wow, this is pretty awesome,” Bryant recalled. “This is a perfect description of how I would want my game to be"
You know who gives themselves nicknames? Drunk fratbros and 5 year olds. The former loves raping 19 year-old sloots. The latter likes to pretend they have superpowers and throw fits when they don't get what they want. So now that I think about it, I guess it really makes sense that Kobe would do that.
Fraud score: 5 uses of the word "gargantuan"
Building an image of a clutch hero when he's really just a ballhog chucker
" I would go 0-for-30 before I would go 0-for-9."
"A man of his word, Bryant has missed more shots than any player in league history. His 13,919 missed field-goal attempts through Sunday have surpassed John Havlicek’s record of 13,417. As long as he stays healthy, Bryant will surely miss his 14,000th shot soon. (Bryant ranks third, behind Abdul-Jabbar and Karl Malone, in shots taken.)"
Kobe is at best an average clutch performer. A combination of confirmation bias and extremely high usage has led many to believe Kobe is the most clutch player in the league. Throw enough **** at a wall, and something will stick.
In reality, the Lakers would have done much better with someone else in Kobe's shoes, since anyone else wouldn't have willingly taken on triple and quadruple teams like an idiot. Kobe's refusal to pass in these situations have made it easy for opposing teams to defend him, thus costing his team tons of equity. Another testament to why Kobe is the most overrated player in the history of the NBA.
Fraud score: 7 you shall not pass's
Being named after food
His first name is derived from Kobe beef. His middle name is derived from his father's nickname, Jellybean.
Goofy-ass mother****er. He should have been named after some fake-ass, overrated **** to suit his personality like Chipotle ChicagoDeepDishPizza Bryant.
Fraud Score: 3 Milk steaks and raw jelly beans
The JawTM
Kobe is the perfect embodiment for the city of Los Angeles. His fakeness and acting skills shine through when it matters the most. The JawTM made its appearance almost exclusively during the 2009 playoff run, then mysteriously vanished. If it was a natural reaction from pumped up adrenaline or whatever, seems weird, huh? To just pop up and vanish in a ~4 week span. It's almost like he practiced it in the mirror, performed it like an act in front of the cameras, and then neatly ended its run like a broadway showing.
I just love the thought of Kobe in his house, standing in front of a mirror, trying out different "intimidating" faces. He's scrunching his eyebrows, showing his teeth, opening up his eyes, etc. He keeps calling his wife over, "Babe, how about this one?" "Honey, you're perfect just the way you are." "I know, babe. But the Mamba needs to show the people he's king."
The funny thing is, Stuart Scott called him out on this during the championship parade interview, and Kobe had the cringiest response ever. I spent about an hour trying to find the clip, but it seems to have vanished. If anyone else can find it, please post it.
Fraud Score: 10 I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me's
Single-handedly destroying the franchise in his twilight years
Kobe's mere presence the last few years has ravaged the Lakers and prevented a proper rebuilding effort. His stubborn refusal to acknowledge his demise is both sad and disastrous. His ridiculous salaries ($28 mil in 2013, $30 mil in 2014), his playing time taking away minutes from younger players, criticizing his teams defense while not playing any, being a general distraction, and mailing it in when he does play.
Fraud score: 4 Manny Pacquiaos singing Let it Go
Calling a ref a F***ing F****t during a game, then turning around and posting a anti-gay slur tweet as a PR move
looool how obvious can you be
Fraud score: 2 Hill dawg flip flops
Winning the dunk contest
Kobe had 5 dunks in the 1997 dunk contest (0:09, 0:24, 0:45, 1:50, 3:20).
He missed 2 of them. Of the 3 he made, 2 sucked. Only the 4th one, at 1:50 was decent. And Aaron Gordon didn't win this year for sitting on air. **** you, Kobe.
Fraud score: 6 Kenny Smith waiting all night to say "It's OVAAAAAAHHHHHHH" but never getting to say it because Kobe sucked, so Charles Barkley gives Kenny his chilly cheese dog to cheer him up
His music career
Quote:
Think ya eyein' me, all along, I'm eyein' you
The hunter becomes the hunted, girl, I'm preying on you
Fraud Score: 3 Shaq-Fu: Da Return
This Photoshoot
Kill yourself.
Fraud score: 7 P Diddy Hamptons All White Parties
Well, there you have it folks. We laughed, we cried, we cringed, we even raped a little. This pioneer of fraud really brought a new level to flimflamery. So let us all truly appreciate these last few games of his career and remember how far we've come since that summer night in June. Kobe Bryant: a legacy of betaness, a legacy of overratedness, a legacy of fraudulence.
