Just found out I've had Chronic Depression (Dysthymia) for 30 years (AMA)

[Roxxo]

I can relate, but in my case it is my personality that causes it. Good old schizoid personality disorder.

 

[gonads20]

If a person who has depression but never talks about depression really have depression?

 

[breadfighter]

I used to think in terms of "science" and brain chemistry when I was more severely depressed but simple logical thinking didn't really get me anywhere. It's a lot more complex than that. Not to mention I don't think both us don't really know much about this field to make authoritative statements about the science. I think you're projecting a bit here because I never mentioned soul searching or fixing emotions before your brain. From what I know brain chemistry is a very complex network of a lot of different shit from what you eat, how you sleep, what you do, etc. Far broader than simple medication. I've taken a few different types medication which only made things worse for me. Traveling, taking certain drugs, drinking less, avoiding negative people, and engaging in new activities likely caused a change in my brain chemistry as well.

Your problems are probably different from mine since I actually feel quite a bit of joy and ecstasy (not the drug) from experiencing life. Also I imagine where are you in life will affect how you take in such experiences. I probably would have gotten nothing if I traveled and tripped balls in my early 20s, but doing it at my current age and reflecting on it, I got quite a lot out of it. Unlike you, where you might feel numb, I have felt more extremes of emotions (ecstatic joy to debilitating sadness or uncontrollable rage). There was a stint where I did feel numb and didn't feel much of anything, but it's been a process learning how to manage my feelings where I can allow myself to feel joy, and deal with negative emotions in a healthy way.

And the fundamental question I ask you is, why should I want to feel normal? If this abnormality causes me misery, sure, I should look to change. But if it doesn't, what's the matter?

I apologize man. I didn't mean to outright assume your condition as being the exact same as me. I was worked up.

As far as your fundamental question? Only you can answer that. If you're really not in misery then more power going down your path. But to me most of your posts and most of your threads you never really seems like you're happy bro. You're extremely self deprecating, and those are signs of low self esteem caused by depression. But i hope that's not the case with you and I wish you the best.

Funerals have been brought to their current state by those making money from death. They play on people's emotions at a vulnerable time for profit. They convince people they are showing respect for the deceased by purchasing an expensive box to put their body in to bury it in the ground. It becomes a way for families to compete over who can give a family member a better send off.

The same for weddings and the various holidays through the year. It is just further confirmation that humans are the lowest form of life on the planet and use our intelligence to prey on others.

The fact that we both think this way says more about us then it does about them IMO.

But did you? I mean succeed at anything? Serious question.

Thanks for your candid OP.

My crowning achievement were a couple professional boxing matches. The crazy thing is I loved boxing, but I always told people I just do it for the love and not the money and competition (dysthymic thinking). When you have depression your self esteem is so low you don't really have a competitive drive or impulse. I didn't know this at the time, but I never would have succeeded in a high level at any career, let alone boxing.

It's really, really crazy for me seeing this post this morning.

I just got out of the hospital for the second time in a week because I freaked out and couldn't calm down. The doctors ran all sorts of tests and told me they were great. They sat me down and told me I needed to go see a psychiatrist. I was told this before and immediately dismissed the idea. I don't want people to think of me as "that crazy person". However, after my dad of all people spoke to me, I realized this has gone on too long and I am seeing a psychiatrist in about an hour. I don't know what to expect. I just want to be able to live a normal life.

This is crazy because I have the same feeling of "there's no way I am depressed, I have never thought about killing myself, and I am a happy guy, how the fuck can I be dealing with depression?".

Your post has eased mind a bit and I'm gonna go in there and be open and honest and am willing to do whatever it takes to get back to normal. Good luck to you in your battle.

That's why I posted this, bro. To let people that are in your exact situation know they're not alone in this thinking man. Because I thought the same EXACT things merely a few months ago.

I posted in the thread about my friend who was getting random anxiety attacks really, really bad. freaking out, crying, and needing an ambulance. This is a sign of your brain malfunctioning and putting you into a adrenal "fight or flight" mode. Having anxiety all the time is not normal, and I found out is a symptom of having depression.

I completely sympathize with you that you say you don't want people to think that you're "that crazy person" because I realize having dysthymia all my life and going by this thought process is what stemmed alot of my social and interpersonal issues. I realized early on that I didn't like what other people seemed to enjoy, and I didn't want to seem like this weird crazy person so I had to act all my life. The symptoms of Dysthymia basically became my personality as it does for many others.

I felt this way as a kid and didn't know it. Therefore when I didn't care about things that other people cared about I felt alienated. Times this by 25 years, So my whole life was just trying to pretend I was like everyone else, when I knew deep down I wasn't. Imagine the feelings of alienation, frustration, and guilt going through your whole life trying to act like you're someone you're not to everyone in your life, and not knowing why you have to do it (because you're dysthymic) just to fit in with everyone else. This is not just your coworkers and acquaintances. This is your family and even close friends. Everybody. My family doesn't really know the real me because to them I put on this lifelong act of pretending i'm fine and doing something in my life. But they know deep down somethings not right.

But take heed in the fact you have "depression" to pin it on now. I was relieved when I found out I just had depression and wasn't actually stupid, lazy, or insane. Because I knew I wasn't a stupid guy. All of a sudden there was a name and explanation to pin all these feelings on, and I finally had a way to work towards getting better.

I honestly didn't even want to make this thread for fear of sounding crazy. But I'd rather be looked at as that "crazy" dude that "has depression and takes meds" then that alien imposter I was before. At least now I know i'm an normal human being, albeit with a misfiring brain.

Don't think of it as crazy bro. It's a physical ailment. Your brain is simply not functioning correctly and you gotta tinker with it a little to be running like normal. It's like someone with diabetes needing to take insulin for their malfunctioning kidneys. It's no different, man. Plenty of brilliant people have had this condition. It doesn't make you a lesser person. Also, the longer I live in life, the more I realize that there really are no "normal" people. The shit you see on TV shows. Everyone's got their fucking issues.

It's a great thing that you came to this realization too dude, as how can you begin to fix something you never knew was broken? At least now you know and you've got options. Good luck. Shoot me a DM if you need to get shit off your mind! Cause I can relate to that scary dissociated feeling of coming to realize there was something physically wrong with you the whole time.

TS, original post really speaks to me, except for the anxiety. I don’t care enough to be anxious.

I’ve often wondered if ‘my normal’ is actually below average, and reading this thread makes me think it is.

Really hard to quantify emotions when you don’t have a baseline to refer to.

My grandparents died, I felt sad. My pet birds died, also sad. There was no, this “sad is a 7”, “this sad is 4”. Just on/off.

Same with happiness when I think about it.

I’ve always hated having birthdays. I always chalked that up to introversion and not wanting to be the focus of attention.

That's basically what Dysthymia is. Is living with a lower baseline of emotion. No real highs or lows. It's basically the way I felt all my life. I know for a fact my baseline of happiness is way way below a normal persons. I think that's pretty evident from what I posted so far.

It's not that you don't feel sad, guilty or bad deep down in your soul. Far from it. It's just that your physical manifestation of whatever is happening around you is sort of just like "meh".

I also thought that for the longest time about my own birthdays. "Why would I want to bother people to get together to celebrate me? Kinda lame. I can't ask that of people." Not saying you have depression, but this train of thought I realized was an indicator of me having low self esteem and self worth.

If a person who has depression but never talks about depression really have depression?

Does a person who has diabetes but never talks about diabetes, really have diabetes? I know what you're getting at. But this is actually a physically malfunctioning brain here, not just a state of mind. It only manifests itself into a state of mind. You'll suffer from symptoms of having diabetes whether you know you have diabetes or not. Same as how you'll suffer from symptoms of having depression whether you know you have it or not.

 

[bosox32]

Depression"? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out?

 

[EL CORINTHIAN]

Joe Hogan says working out and clean eating solves everything.

So I call bullshit.

It actually would solve a staggering amount of these rediculous "disorders" people have.

If you have some mental deficiency in would address the more humanly faculties and how you are arousing them on a daily basis before reaching for a bottle of some meds.

Excercise, eat right and live like a human before saying you are clinically depressed.

 

[EL CORINTHIAN]

Does a person who has diabetes but never talks about diabetes, really have diabetes?

Have you looked at all aspects of your life to be able to, without a reasonable shadow of doubt, assert you have a malfunctioning brain?

Do you eat well? Have any deficiencies? How are your hormones? Is your testosterone/estrogen tanked? Do you have legitimate greivances in your life?

 

[Armbars]

Other than my wife and 2 kids birthdays I don't even know or care about any others. I'VE never purchased a Christmas card or birthday card for anyone other than my wife and 2 kids.

I hate it when work colleagues harp on about charity, happy times in their life or anything caring.


In all honesty I assume it's because I had an awful time as a kid and grew thick skin due to bad circumstances? My wife will tell you I'm the coldest bastard you'll ever meet. She's probably right.

But I wouldn't categorize myself as depressed, that sounds defeated.

 

[breadfighter]

Have you looked at all aspects of your life to be able to, without a reasonable shadow of doubt, assert you have a malfunctioning brain?

Do you eat well? Have any deficiencies? How are your hormones? Is your testosterone/estrogen tanked? Do you have legitimate greivances in your life?

I don't and I know it's not exactly medically responsible to suggest that to anyone without really knowing. But i'm only speaking for myself here. Up until a few weeks ago, my explanation for all of this might as well have been that a gypsy put a curse on my family and I was bearing the brunt of it.

As far as all the health, I haven't been to a doctor by choice all my life up until now. But i'm definitely going to go and i'll be able to update you. If you read the my wall of texts you'll know that I have zero legitimate grievances in my life. Which makes it all the more frustrating.

It actually would solve a staggering amount of these rediculous "disorders" people have.

If you have some mental deficiency in would address the more humanly faculties and how you are arousing them on a daily basis before reaching for a bottle of some meds.

Excercise, eat right and live like a human before saying you are clinically depressed.

I trained MAs for 10 years straight. Logged more miles of roadwork than most regular people probably will in their lifetime. No smoking, drugs, moderate alcohol. I dunno you tell me man. I don't claim to be a doctor. I'm just doing the best I can with the knowledge I have.

 

[breadfighter]

Other than my wife and 2 kids birthdays I don't even know or care about any others. I'VE never purchased a Christmas card or birthday card for anyone other than my wife and 2 kids.

I hate it when work colleagues harp on about charity, happy times in their life or anything caring.


In all honesty I assume it's because I had an awful time as a kid and grew thick skin due to bad circumstances? My wife will tell you I'm the coldest bastard you'll ever meet. She's probably right.

But I wouldn't categorize myself as depressed, that sounds defeated.

Lmfao. This guy had it and he sounds kinda like you. He refused to go to parties with his wife LOL. I'm not saying you have it, but you should read it.

Spoiler

 

[Armbars]

Lmfao. This guy had it and he sounds kinda like you. He refused to go to parties with his wife LOL. I'm not saying you have it, but you should read it.

Spoiler

With all due respect mate, I've been partying with my wife hundreds of times, we've been together 20 years. Also I'm not lazy. I just generally think very little of humans. And I'm cold as ice.

 

[EL CORINTHIAN]

I trained MAs for 10 years straight. Logged more miles of roadwork than most regular people probably will in their lifetime. No smoking, drugs, moderate alcohol. I dunno you tell me man. I don't claim to be a doctor. I'm just doing the best I can with the knowledge I have.

Whether or not this is good entirely depends on your recovery. People are always under the assumption that more is better but if all the other variables aren't dialed in you could be fucking yourself bad.

Again hows your nutrition? How's your sleep? Do you have any deficiencies? I'm.not going to drill the same questions again but the idea I'm getting to is that you want to make sure you have nothing else going on that could be indicative of these issues.

I knew one guy who was on pills for years because of some mood issues. Guy ate like shit, stayed inside all day, never socialised, never got laid, and the "doctors" immediately sprang to mood stabilizers and everrything else under the sun.

 

[BEER]

Are depression threads on Sherdog still full of people who think "depression" is some sort of choice or basic emotion?

 

[LS1Rx7]

Ok so this sounds a lot like me.
I am sarcastic as well, dark humored.
And since I was a kid always had dark thoughts. Like not that I want to harm someone, I'm about a harmless as they come from an agression standpoint, but one that recurred as a kid for instance was that I would be attacked by a dog, and I'd have to kill the dog. It wasn't the attack as much as what I'd have to do in reaction that played through my head, mainly because I LOVE dogs. To this day I still have irrationally negative or disturbing thoughts loop through my mind, and they really bum me out, bring me down, and get me anxious at times.
And I'm sitting there 30 mins later in a completely anxious mood having had that change dictated by nothing real.

The sightly down, slightly dark has been a thing my whole life, the anxiety has become more prevenlant as I get older. Didn't have that as a kid really, or wasn't tuned into it.
Most of this presents it's self when it's dark outside. I live in New England and the short days, and weeks sometimes of clouds massively magnify these items.
When it's summer or I'm on vacation, I really don't think I deal with this sort of stuff.

Also I'm an entreprenuer, so the constant ups and downs add volatility to the mix making me question if I'm going bi-polar at times.
The mood doesn't always jive with the reality so sometimes I'm down when things are good, and vis-a-versa, to the point where I'm never really sure I've got a good handle on how I should feel.

So that brings me to the apathy. I realy don't know what I want or why. I don't get excited about ANYTHING anymore or if I do it's very shorlty lived and then I'm over it, but figured that was just being an adult. I've also been pretty high functioning so I've been pretty sucessful despite myself. I figured becoming apathetic was the disease of the sucessful. AKA: "first world problems" so I never thought much of it.

 

[LS1Rx7]

BTW I went to a shrink 2 or 3 years ago because the apathy during the winters was essentially cutting my work week down to maybe 2 good days a week, which was the quantifiable metric I needed to go see a doc. Got blood work, nothing there, so I talked to the shrink too, and she was basically like yeah sounds like you have mild seasonal deperession, but putting you on drugs will prob do more harm than good.
Suggested I try a sun lamp, and some other crap... so figured I was right in writing it off.

Also to note: I've found that aminos that convert to dopamine and seratonin quite effective.
L-Theanine - I think helps with dopamine but its the calming agent in Tea, this is one of my favorite for when I'm feeling a bit anxious. Gives me a bit of a a headache though if I use it continually.
Tyrosine - Dopamine big time, ramps me up like I'm on caffiene but cleaner, and can make me feel artifically happy/in control
L-Tryptophan - works on seratonin stuff in turkey that makes you sleepy, great more subtle long term calming effects. Be careful don't take too much. Too much seratonin is bad news.

And my father just had to come off of Adavn a clinical anti anxiety, and perscribed protocal was some of the mellow inducing aminos I mentioned above, plus a few others. I was surprised as I found all of this stuff on my own.

Also something which has helped tremendously, more than anything else, and I have no explanation for it is MCT (medium chain triglycerides) more specifically the Bulletproof version which has the right MCTs for mental clarity. (And for the record I think Dave Aspery's a quack)
https://www.bulletproof.com/product...MI0vGE1tru3wIVlo3ICh1oWwhqEAQYASABEgJQx_D_BwE

I always have coconut oil, and I've had other MCT oils before. This stuff is different... I'm clear, I'm functional, I'm farting my ass off, but it's worth it. I can focus and whether this is masking the symptoms or not, it seems like whatever's in it I've been deficient in my whole life.

 

[sweetviolenturg]

I don't and I know it's not exactly medically responsible to suggest that to anyone without really knowing. But i'm only speaking for myself here. Up until a few weeks ago, my explanation for all of this might as well have been that a gypsy put a curse on my family and I was bearing the brunt of it.

As far as all the health, I haven't been to a doctor by choice all my life up until now. But i'm definitely going to go and i'll be able to update you. If read the my wall of texts you'll know that I have zero legitimate grievances in my life. Which makes it all the more frustrating.



I trained MAs for 10 years straight. Logged more miles of roadwork than most regular people probably will in their lifetime. No smoking, drugs, moderate alcohol. I dunno you tell me man. I don't claim to be a doctor. I'm just doing the best I can with the knowledge I have.

It sounds to me like you're taking all the right steps toward accepting your condition, bro. Which goes a long way toward improving things in your life.
Have you made an appointment to speak to your primary yet to see if he'll prescribe you antidepressants?
I really think that you'd benefit a great deal from them. Like I told you in our PM a week or two back, they've changed my life.

 

[Grassshoppa]

I respect threads like this where people share their struggle with anxiety and depression. I never experienced it myself until much later in life when a traumatic event left me with anxiety, depression, and PTSD. Things are much better now but it still comes back sometimes. I read these threads and sometimes it makes me think about Robin Williams. From an outsider perspective looking in, it seemed like he had a great life - family and tons of money. But he wasn't able to overcome the struggle.

 

[THEfightsAREfixed]

I feel pretty meh about this thread and the OP, guess that means I get cool sounding disorder too now ?

Having a psychiatric ailment isn't something you just go 30 years having and just find out you might have it.

There's a million psychological complexes you can have though and that feeds into a huge market for this stuff.

 

[breadfighter]

I feel pretty meh about this thread and the OP, guess that means I get cool sounding disorder too now ?

Having a psychiatric ailment isn't something you just go 30 years having and just find out you might have it.

There's a million psychological complexes you can have though and that feeds into a huge market for this stuff.

I've read of peoples experiences online with this condition discovering it in their 50s and 60s and then being able to better their lives afterwards after treatment. I'm sure they were all imagining it too. I'm not saying everyone has what I have or that I'm certain that I know what is it exactly, but I know there's something not right, and i've had more than 20 years to put together these patterns. I know it all stems back to my brain.

I totally understand the sentiments of you and @EL CORINTHIAN It's too easy to throw this "depression" around and just start popping pills. And I hope that when I go to the doctor for a check up it really just turns out I was deficient in nutrients or some shit like that. But as of now, all my symptoms basically scream dysthymia, so that's what I'm gonna run with.

But whether i'm right about me having the condition or not doesn't matter. What matters is that i'm aware now that there even is a problem.

I've deal


It sounds to me like you're taking all the right steps toward accepting your condition, bro. Which goes a long way toward improving things in your life.
Have you made an appointment to speak to your primary yet to see if he'll prescribe you antidepressants?
I really think that you'd benefit a great deal from them. Like I told you in our PM a week or two back, they've changed my life.

Really appreciate it man. I have noticed myself more at peace/less anxious the last few weeks. Talking about it and just being aware of my dysthymic train of thought almost helps me to stop it before it starts, which in turns quells alot of the anxiety. I've been feeling more comfortable in my own skin knowing that i'm not this lazy, pessimistic, apathetic character I thought I was my whole life. Less feelings of anxiety when I'm talking to people. I know therapy will fucking do wonders for me. The walls of text in this thread have just been my thoughts bursting at the seams for all these years.

Though I haven't made an appointment. I've been feeling more hopeful but the "lack of impulse" feeling that i'm sure you're all too aware of, lingers. I know I need to go to a doctor now and get checked up ASAP but it seems overwhelming. Though now I know that's its the dysthymia creeping those "Dude, don't worry, just take your time you still have the whole year" thoughts into my head. I know it's my brain not allowing me to act on the impulse.

I'm working on it though man. I told myself I wasn't going to live another year like this now that I'm aware. I think I mentioned that. It's scary to think that if no one ever mentioned this to me I probably would have gone the rest of my life never thinking to see a doctor.

Whether or not this is good entirely depends on your recovery. People are always under the assumption that more is better but if all the other variables aren't dialed in you could be fucking yourself bad.

Again hows your nutrition? How's your sleep? Do you have any deficiencies? I'm.not going to drill the same questions again but the idea I'm getting to is that you want to make sure you have nothing else going on that could be indicative of these issues.

I knew one guy who was on pills for years because of some mood issues. Guy ate like shit, stayed inside all day, never socialised, never got laid, and the "doctors" immediately sprang to mood stabilizers and everrything else under the sun.

LOL. To be completely honest if I saw this dude I'd probably think he was depressed too, bro. Because I do the same shit and they just happen to be symptoms. I never thought anything was wrong with my behavior either.

I could have no problem not going out to socialize for months at a time and i've done it for a full year and felt content.That's not to say I didn't want to go out and have "fun", but i'd be just as content staying home and vegging out with TV shows and weed or posting on our very own Sherdog. I did go out though, drank, and chased girls too but interactions with people were difficult and rarely progressed past small talk as I'd really never have anything to say unless I was whacked out of my mind on alcohol or drugs, which makes sense now.

And you want to talk about eating like shit. Before I always joked with people that if I had the ability to gain weight I'd be one of those impulse eating morbidly obese people because when I would eat I'd sometimes go to two fast food places just because I felt like having a double cheeseburger combo and a burrito too (this lack of impulse control concerned me also). The food run would total like 40-50 minutes total of driving to the two fast food places and waiting in the drive thru. I felt kind of guilty for having such poor impulse control, and stupid basically driving an hour for food, but I didn't even consider it binge eating though. Just Friday nights at home. There were long stretches of time where I didn't feel like cooking and just ate fast food everyday. I never gained weight so no one would ever be able to assume I ever did shit like this. And honestly I never really felt any real ill effects from it but it was the behavior that was concerning.

Anyway, whatever became of him? Or what was his actual ailment?

And thank you though. I completely understand not throwing these things out as blanket solution or one size fits all methods of diagnosing someones problems. But after so many years of knowing i'm not a stupid, lazy, morbidly unhealthy character but being unable to do anything about it, I know I need to see a doctor.

In the end if it turns out to be hormone imbalance, testosterone, or any of those other factors you mentioned and not depression, so be it. But sitting and not doing anything about it is not going to help my situation. Now I know I need help which I didn't before.

 

[THEfightsAREfixed]

I've read of peoples experiences online with this condition discovering it in their 50s and 60s and then being able to better their lives afterwards after treatment. I'm sure they were all imagining it too. I'm not saying everyone has what I have or that I'm certain that I know what is it exactly, but I know there's something not right, and i've had more than 20 years to put together these patterns. I know it all stems back to my brain.

I totally understand the sentiments of you and @EL CORINTHIAN It's too easy to throw this "depression" around and just start popping pills. And I hope that when I go to the doctor for a check up it really just turns out I was deficient in nutrients or some shit like that. But as of now, all my symptoms basically scream dysthymia, so that's what I'm gonna run with.

But whether i'm right about me having the condition or not doesn't matter. What matters is that i'm aware now that there even is a problem.

I hear you, and you may very well have properly self-diagnosed yourself. Who am I to really say when I'm not a medical professional, my only experience is loose second hand from having a mother who is a psychiatrist and having discussions with her.

I wish you the best and hope you can improve your situation in the ways you feel are needed.

I've been fighting a battle with myself over the past couple years so I feel for you, just have some hang ups personally over some of the semantics of mental health issues.

 

[breadfighter]

I hear you, and you may very well have properly self-diagnosed yourself. Who am I to really say when I'm not a medical professional, my only experience is loose second hand from having a mother who is a psychiatrist and having discussions with her.

I wish you the best and hope you can improve your situation in the ways you feel are needed.

I've been fighting a battle with myself over the past couple years so I feel for you, just have some hang ups personally over some of the semantics of mental health issues.

Completely understandable. I mentioned in the OP that "depression" should be called a "malfunctioning brain disorder" or fucking anything besides "depression". Because everyone can feel "depressed" but not everyone "has depression". I didn't feel like I was depressed either, but I knew I had something.

And I hope you win whatever battle you're fighting man. I don't know how serious it is but if you ever just need an ear or someone to bounce your feelings off of feel free to msg me. I was getting buttfucked by my brain for this long, so I empathize when you say you're battling yourself. It basically took over my life, my personality, and everything I felt from the time I was cognizant like some sort of sick parasite. Just a human host lazing through life like some dumb cow.

But I believe these brain slugs can be beat, my friend.