=Interesting Facts about Chuck Norris=

Discussion in 'Archives' started by Cmasters, Dec 2, 2005.

  1. Cmasters

    Cmasters Orange Belt

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    =Interesting Facts about Chuck Norris=


    Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

    When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

    MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

    Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.


    Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.



    If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

    Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.



    Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

    Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."



    Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

    Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.



    Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

    Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

    Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't !&$% with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.



    Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.



    Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

    Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris



    Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

    To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.



    There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.



    Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

    There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.



    Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

    The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.



    The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

    Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.



    When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

    It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

    Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull


    If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death

    Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

    Chuck Norris can mathematically make two wrongs equal a right.

    When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."


    The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.


    Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

    Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living **** out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

    Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the **** out of little kids.

    Jesus' Birthday isn't December 25 but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. That's why we celebrate Christmas

    After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

    Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.

    Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and **** on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
     
  2. muddy

    muddy Green Belt

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    This is great stuff. Especially when he round house kicked the devil.
     
  3. Commissar

    Commissar Gold Belt

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    These are rediculously hilarious.

    These are my favorites:

    "When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women"

    "Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris"

    "If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death"

    "Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf"

    "Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did."
     
  4. muddy

    muddy Green Belt

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    I have to say it again. The funniest shit I may have ever read.
     
  5. Crimson Fury

    Crimson Fury Elijah Modnar

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    -If you rub Chuck Norris' beard it will grant you three wishes, only the third wish always involves you having butt sex with Norris.

    -Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

    -Chuck Norris once killed a man, bought him back to life, and then killed him again. When asked why he said, "Did you see the look on his face the second time around? Priceless."

    -Chuck Norris is the only man to have ever successfully peed in the corner of the oval office
     
  6. Snooby

    Snooby Blue Belt

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    I hate to disagree, but this is one of the stupidest threads I've ever seen. Sorry man.
     
  7. J_C

    J_C Social Justice Soldier

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    The Street fighter 2 comment made me fall of my chair
     
  8. Mike JV

    Mike JV Green Belt

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    I'm not trying to be a jerk at all, because this is funny, but this thread has been made a few times already.
     
  9. Evaristo Medrano

    Evaristo Medrano Amateur Fighter

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    hey that was some funny stuff man
    it made my fuked up day a bit better
    chucks the man ... thannks :icon_twis
     
  10. Tony2Toes

    Tony2Toes Green Belt

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    OMG!!! I think I am now a chuch norris fan. That was funny as hell but it started dying down towards the end. Oh no, You think I will get roundhouses for not capatilizing Chuck Norris. I liked this one "Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean"
     
  11. NW Noob

    NW Noob White Belt

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    Question: What's tougher than tough?

    Answer: <Whack> [you just caught a roundhouse to the face, and you hear Chuck laughing].

    Knock Knock.....Who's there? Chuck.....Chuck <whack> [you take a roundhouse to the face before you can "who"].
     
  12. Newcastle

    Newcastle Brown Belt

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    Dumb thread that has been done to death already.
     
  13. Nun

    Nun Purple Belt

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    -Chuck Norris is the only man to have ever successfully peed in the corner of the oval office
     
  14. Ring Shark98

    Ring Shark98 Black Belt

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    Some more:

    Chuck Norris can eat a rubik's cube and shit it out solved.

    When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris.
     
  15. Mr Snuff

    Mr Snuff White Belt

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    I heard that some actor who did car commercials once tied to sue Chuck because his resembelance to him had 'ruined his acting career.'
     
  16. wamrage

    wamrage Guest

    Interesting fact about white belts:

    Many often fail to use the search function
     
  17. Bosko

    Bosko Guest

    Hilarious. My favs

     
  18. Annsofia

    Annsofia Banned Banned

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    why would you make fun of Norris?
     
  19. Bosko

    Bosko Guest

    A roundhouse kick for you sir.
     
  20. Aki

    Aki Green Belt

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    Funny, made me laugh, hihi.. MMMMMmmmmmmm, hihi.......hiihi..tihihihihihi
     

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