I think my Special Needs co-worker is using my mayonnaise

[FacePunch]

The answer is always uppercuts.

 

[Jesus X]

why would you keep mayo at work that is gross.

 

[Scott Parker 27]

Tell him you are taking him to the zoo, on the way drive the short bus off a cliff. Either that or swap his w and m key and watch him panic.

 

[Coolthulu]

Yes, special needs. No I don't feel sorry for him, despite us working with people with more advanced special needs, because:

• He got hired after washing the boss's windows of her house, and she decided to pull strings for him when somene here gave notice
• He has almost no real experience other than getting the degree to work here
• He proceeded to regularly question what we do here despite knowing fuckall about the job
• He can't pick up basic instructions and requires repitition and then still often doesn't get it (apparently also has a learning disability or two based on his disclosure to a co-worker - this could garner some sympathy if he didn't act like a douche and pushy weirdo)
• He tries to have heart-to-heart talks with each of us when others aren't around -searching for reassurance about his abilities after actng like a knowitall in his first couple months here
• Blames co-workers (in one of his one-on-one heart to hearts) to a co-worker for his not fitting in
• smacks his fuckin lips before almost every statement

Okay, so yesterday, I look in the fridge to make my lunch, and I notice that my mayo is on the second shelf from the bottom. I always leave it on the bottom shelf of the door, so I take note and wonder if it fell out. I make sure that there's room and it's securely placed there. Then today, that shit is back on the second shelf again, and it seems lighter, and looks like somebody scooped some out.

Now I'm not a mayo lover, but I prefer it over a dry sandwich,
I ask my coworkers (and boss) about why the jar keeps getting moved a few mins ago. He is out of the office currently. My supervisor says she wants to move the jar to fuck with me now. His buddy says dude might be eating it.

Everybody thinks it's a joke, but as I've laid out in bullet point format above, this dude is a complete fuckin derper, and I already don't like him (only he boss and his buddy do)

He should be back in less than an hour...
What say you bredren?

Uppercuts are the gold standard when dealing with outrageous displays of donkery. A man's condiments is something not to be trifled with. It's basically an act of war. Square up with that Forrest Gump motherfucker & simply jack his head up like a pez dispenser........like so.....

 

[Turtlejuice]

Buy him a fidget spinner and tell him to make a youtube review video for it.

 

[freaky]

Put poison in the mayo then get rid of the evidence after you see it back on the 2nd shelf.

 

[CutStryker]

He's taking your mayo, replacing it with his own.

All bad

 

[ralphc1]

When I was in grade school, the retards liked to eat paste. Do they even sell the old time school paste? You can make a paste with flour and a little water and it will look like mayonnaise.

Another thing would be to mix some milk of magnesia in the mayo.

To just have some fun, remove the mayo and glue the cover on the jar.

Clean out a mayo jar, paint the inside white, install a piezo electronic buzzer, batteries, contacts with a piece of plastic attached to the cover holding them open. When the lid is turned, the alarm buzzer goes off and won't stop even if the cover is put back on.

Or you can buy your mayonnaise in packets that don't need to be refrigerated.

 

[Rhood]

Go to Chic-fil-A and grab a handful of the white generic looking mayonnaise packets. Don't go anywhere else because Kraft is the good stuff given out at other places.
Put it in a small box and gift wrap it and hand it to him for Christmas.

 

[FyrFytr998]

I would buy another jar of mayonnaise and sabotage it with another white substance.

Google image search "4chan jar" for inspiration.

Or one of those TUF fruit bowls.

 

[panamaican]

I really thought this was going to be about porn.

 

[Revolver]

lmao @ making a thread over mayo. It's disgusting, he's doing you a favor.

 

[Osculater]

Tell him you are taking him to the zoo, on the way drive the short bus off a cliff. Either that or swap his w and m key and watch him panic.

Do it on Halloween

 

[Sir Galahad]

Give him a break. He's born that way.

 

[Tuf_guy]

It's only mayo and he is handicapped. Let him use it ya greedy fook.

This dude makes the same amount as me (minus my lame 3% raises). And he's lucky as fuck! He washes this crazy broad's windows... she complains that he flooded it, was going to meet him for drinks and didn't know if it was a date or not... a coworker quits, so she asks the VP if he can take the job (ADMITS THAT SHE WAS GOING TO MEET HIM FOR A POSSIBLE DATE), the VP prefers not to hire him due to experience - he gets the job anyway... then he comes to a conference BEFORE he's actually started, WINS a fuckin gift basket worth close to a couple hundred bucks! He's just walking a charmed path. Free mayonnaise would only add to his privilege... in fact, I think his privilege is part of the problem.

Maybe buy him some mayo label it and not attempt to bully a dude with special needs.

If anything he was the bully until he realized he didn't know as much as he thought. I do mu best to tolerate him, though.

This thread is bringing the lols. What the hell kind of job do you have where special needs people get hired from washing the boss's windows but still has a masters degree?

Tell me about it. Reason #43 why I despise my supervisor. The other 3 people including myself aren't brand new. He is, then turns out to be slow on top of it.

He's taking your mayo, replacing it with his own.

All bad

Now that's just awful. I'd seriously be chillin in the yard with Hamm in a correctional facility over that shit.

 

[Augustus Caesar]

This dude makes the same amount as me (minus my lame 3% raises). And he's lucky as fuck! He washes this crazy broad's windows... she complains that he flooded it, was going to meet him for drinks and didn't know if it was a date or not... a coworker quits, so she asks the VP if he can take the job (ADMITS THAT SHE WAS GOING TO MEET HIM FOR A POSSIBLE DATE), the VP prefers not to hire him due to experience - he gets the job anyway... then he comes to a conference BEFORE he's actually started, WINS a fuckin gift basket worth close to a couple hundred bucks! He's just walking a charmed path. Free mayonnaise would only add to his privilege... in fact, I think his privilege is part of the problem.

He sounds like the fucking man, lol. How is he handicapped? If a woman was going to meet him for drinks, then he must not be fully retarded. She likes him?

 

[Tuf_guy]

Why not just put a fridge in your office?

I don't have one, bro. All we get is cubicles. The supervisor is the only one with an office. Plus nobody has ever taken anyone else's stuff out of the fridge before now.

Mayo is fucking gross

why would you keep mayo at work that is gross.

lmao @ making a thread over mayo. It's disgusting, he's doing you a favor.

I understand the anti-mayo sentiment... I'm not a big fan either, but in small doses, it works out ok for me on my sammidges.
It's mostly a matter of how annoying and awkward this dude has been, and then he does this. Who the fuck just figures "Oh mayo! I don't know how it got here in the office fridge, but it must be mine! Derp."

 

[dog y]

Fill his car doors handles with poop

 

[Tuf_guy]

He sounds like the fucking man, lol. How is he handicapped? If a woman was going to meet him for drinks, then he must not be fully retarded. She likes him?

I think she thought he was good looking, and she's a desperate divorcee who's trying to find male companionship. Turned out he's gay - which filled a different check mark for her social conscience, so it still worked. He treats her like a queen, anyway. Takes her dogs for walks, tells his life story... listens to hers (she loves to hear herself speak). So it kinda works out for her and him. You can't tell looking at him, and he's not a complete idiot, he's just off, and has problems processing, sometimes. Takes multiple times of hearing something to retain it. We started to suspect he has some kind of cognitive delays, and recently he literally said that he does when talking to another coworker. So I dunno exactly what his issue is, but I'd say he's a really high functioning person with mild delays.

 

[Augustus Caesar]

I think she thought he was good looking, and she's a desperate divorcee who's trying to find male companionship. Turned out he's gay - which filled a different check mark for her social conscience, so it still worked. He treats her like a queen, anyway. Takes her dogs for walks, tells his life story... listens to hers (she loves to hear herself speak). So it kinda works out for her and him. You can't tell looking at him, and he's not a complete idiot, he's just off, and has problems processing, sometimes. Takes multiple times of hearing something to retain it. We started to suspect he has some kind of cognitive delays, and recently he literally said that he does when talking to another coworker.

Ah, I have a better idea of the situation now. Honestly, I still wouldn't let something like mayo bother me. Maybe you could label things if you think that'll help, but it seems like this guy has enough cognitive ability to know that he is just taking your mayo and doesn't care.