Help I think I'm getting divorced

Oblivian said:
Alimony will always exist due to our culture. There have been several threads on here where parents or people who are talking about becoming parents perpetuate the idea of the wife not working. Many say things like "I don't want my wife working when we have kids" or things like "I don't want my kids being raised by some child care place". Well guess what? If you have a wife that had an earning potential, you've set up a status quo of the wife not working for the benefit of the children. Once that happens, it's a pretty easy argument for alimony or "maintenance" as other states call it. And honestly, it's a pretty sound argument too.
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And if you love your kids and belive your wife/ex wife is a great mother then it should be money well spent. If that's not the case what the fuck are you doing in the first place?
 
Phlog said:
And if you love your kids and belive your wife/ex wife is a great mother then it should be money well spent. If that's not the case what the fuck are you doing in the first place?
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Honestly, people are just ignorant or stupid when it comes to divorce. They'll have years with their wife not working as it's "best for the household and kids", yet once divorce occurs, they don't understand why the court wants to maintain the status quo. Well if both parents thought it was best for the wife to not work, why should that change? Ex-husbands have a really hard time with that. I've actually seen this happen with an ex-wife and stay at home dad too though.

The other concept that people don't understand with divorce is child support. I've seen people on this forum state things like "well I pay ______ for child support - that earns me the right to see the kids more". They don't understand that the amount of money you pay is inversely proportional to the amount of time you see the kids.

The first thing anyone looking to divorce should do is see how their particular state treats divorce. People automatically say, "get a lawyer", but you better at least have an understanding of the divorce laws before you see the lawyer. Would you enter a fight where you didn't know the rules? That essentially what a lot of people do when they start the process of divorce with an attorney, and at the end they cry that they got fucked by the ex, their attorney, and the judge.
 
Get financial stuff sorted ASAP. Get as much cash out of your accounts as you can and your liabilities straightened out as much as you can. Keep a diary of everything and keep it to yourself. Record everything (for yourself) and assume you’re going to get shafted by the courts and your wife, because you probably are.
 
Jack Reacheround said:
Yep. Women have no shame. She will lie, get a lawyer, and fuck you out of everything she can. Get a female lawyer. They know a little more about how women think (albeit not much because they don’t think), and it will look more favorable in court instead of looking like a couple of guys bullying a woman.
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That looks like fantastic advice, kudos to you sir
 
1. Assume the worst from her from day 1
2. Don't let her know you're seeing someone, cause that will rustle her jimmies and will escalate the situation even more
3. Get a good lawyer
4. Talk to your kid(s) and make sure they're getting enough love and quality time from you.
5. Get rid of any old shit, don't get attached, start a new life. Look at this as a fresh start. Do whatever makes you happy, roam free, date, travel, etc.
 
Oblivian said:
Honestly, people are just ignorant or stupid when it comes to divorce. They'll have years with their wife not working as it's "best for the household and kids", yet once divorce occurs, they don't understand why the court wants to maintain the status quo. Well if both parents thought it was best for the wife to not work, why should that change? Ex-husbands have a really hard time with that. I've actually seen this happen with an ex-wife and stay at home dad too though.

The other concept that people don't understand with divorce is child support. I've seen people on this forum state things like "well I pay ______ for child support - that earns me the right to see the kids more". They don't understand that the amount of money you pay is inversely proportional to the amount of time you see the kids.

The first thing anyone looking to divorce should do is see how their particular state treats divorce. People automatically say, "get a lawyer", but you better at least have an understanding of the divorce laws before you see the lawyer. Would you enter a fight where you didn't know the rules? That essentially what a lot of people do when they start the process of divorce with an attorney, and at the end they cry that they got fucked by the ex, their attorney, and the judge.
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This is pretty good advice.

People are dropping like flies over here too. Out of a group of 8 close families here, 5 of them have divorced in the last 4 years. My family and 2 others are all that remain intact. The shortest marriage among them was 8 years, the longest was 19.

What I have learned is that often, the men that were willing to cough up more of the family assets in the front end, in exchange for less and shorter alimony, seem to come out better in the long run. The sooner you can get the ex's claws completely out of you the better.

I will give you an example. One friend divorced after 16 years about 3 years ago. Kids were 15 and 16. Dad was the main bread winner but Mom had part time gigs after the kids were school age. Assets were to be split down the middle. Split custody. Dad got hit with 6 years of child support of $1500 a month and 8 years of rehabilitative alimony at $1200 per month. Ouch.

8 years of rehabilitative alimony at 1200 a month is $115,200. They had only 5 years left to pay on their house and they had $180,000 or so in equity in it. Which would have had to be split. The wife really wanted to stay in the family home with the kids. Dad liked that idea too for the kids sake, but was going to need his share of the house cash to restart. The wife would not have been able to buy him out, which would have meant selling.

He came to an arrangement with the wife where he agreed to just sign the house over to her, giving her his 90K of equity, in exchange for the removal of the alimony. That meant just the child support.

In the 3 years since, that fellow has been promoted twice at work and is making about $50,000 a year more than he was when he was married. Since there is no alimony, that can not be revisited by the courts. And in 2 years he will be done with the child support and will be free and clear.
 
Jim Cozad Jr. said:
My divorce was very amicable...you should move out fast...if you think things are gonna be messy, get a lawyer...if not try to work it out with minimal lawyer involvement...be civil for your daughter, it will make your life so much easier and less stressful...immediately get on a dating app, and bang, bro...
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Awful advice. AWFUL. If there are kids, in many places that is considered abandonment, and will almost guarantee interim payments, the wife getting a disproportionate % of the equity in the home if it is owned, and more generous almimony and child support payments.

Interim payments can often be more onerous than what your final alimony and child support will be. And with that being the case, the wife will have no incentive whatsoever to proceed quickly.

Worst. advice. ever.

Measure twice and cut once with everything you do. Start with the end in mind.
 
cooks1 said:
Awful advice. AWFUL. If there are kids, in many places that is considered abandonment, and will almost guarantee interim payments, the wife getting a disproportionate % of the equity in the home if it is owned, and more generous almimony and child support payments.

Interim payments can often be more onerous than what your final alimony and child support will be. And with that being the case, the wife will have no incentive whatsoever to proceed quickly.

Worst. advice. ever.

Measure twice and cut once with everything you do. Start with the end in mind.
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Lol...had a custody agreement in place before I moved out, moved about five miles away...literally none of the negative things you mentioned happened...
 
Jim Cozad Jr. said:
Lol...had a custody agreement in place before I moved out, moved about five miles away...literally none of the negative things you mentioned happened...
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Damn right you didn't. BECAUSE YOU DID NOT MOVE OUT FAST. You waited until you had your ducks in a row before leaving.
 
cooks1 said:
Damn right you didn't. BECAUSE YOU DID NOT MOVE OUT FAST. You waited until you had your ducks in a row before leaving.
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"Fast" is a relative term I suppose, it didn't take long at all to do that...I guess I didn't mean overnight...
 
saugeye killah said:
My wife and I have agreed in principle to getting divorced today. I'm really overwhelmed and have no idea what step to take first though. We have a daughter who's 13 and I have a step son from her who's 19. We've lived in this house we've been renting for almost 8 years and have deep roots laid down here. We have a TON of stuff, just to start with.

Also I live in Colorado where the cost of living is skyrocketing. The whole thing is really intimidating. On one hand I'm kind of "excited" (I guess) to be "free", but I'm really scared of change too if I'm being totally honest. We have almost nothing in common and I haven't been attracted to her for nearly 10 years. She's really dishonest with money and makes next to nothing at her job, so whenever I let her have my card I only get it back when I throw a fit because I discover it's in the red with a bunch of overdraft fees, etc....

I don't even know where to start. Holy shit, I'm scared. What's the first step?
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Update?
 
My ex and I split when my son was 3. He's 21 now. I had 50-50 custody the whole time and never paid a dime of child support.
I managed this by being both respectful and generous with his mom. For the first few weeks of the break up, I was ready to fight for what I felt was mine.
But then I realized that's what everyone does. Instead I went to her and told her I wanted to co-parent and would stop making things difficult.
We came up with our own agreement, alternating days with my son. She had Friday and I had Saturday so we each even had a night to go hang out on the weekend. I took care of all medical costs. We split everything else 50-50. We did this for 6 years without ever even involving a lawyer. It wasn't until we were both in new relationships and considering marrying again did we decide to divorce officially. But even when we involved the lawyer, I went to a guy we both knew, and said look we have the arrangement we want. We just want you to document what we already do, and make it official. My ex and I are still friends to this day and my son loves it. My wife and his mom even hang out for girls' nights and shit. She recently divorced the second husband. It did not go as well. haha
 
Prepare to give most of your money to a lawyer and whatever is left to your ex wife.
 
Iceberg Slim said:
My ex and I split when my son was 3. He's 21 now. I had 50-50 custody the whole time and never paid a dime of child support.
I managed this by being both respectful and generous with his mom. For the first few weeks of the break up, I was ready to fight for what I felt was mine.
But then I realized that's what everyone does. Instead I went to her and told her I wanted to co-parent and would stop making things difficult.
We came up with our own agreement, alternating days with my son. She had Friday and I had Saturday so we each even had a night to go hang out on the weekend. I took care of all medical costs. We split everything else 50-50. We did this for 6 years without ever even involving a lawyer. It wasn't until we were both in new relationships and considering marrying again did we decide to divorce officially. But even when we involved the lawyer, I went to a guy we both knew, and said look we have the arrangement we want. We just want you to document what we already do, and make it official. My ex and I are still friends to this day and my son loves it. My wife and his mom even hang out for girls' nights and shit. She recently divorced the second husband. It did not go as well. haha
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Cool story bro. And good on you. It is a tightrope. And I agree completely with you on generosity. People can not take from you what you would freely give them. And in my experience, unless you are dealing with the most despicable of people, generosity is almost always met with gratitude and a willingness to compromise.
 
Congrat u fuckin lations.. now dont make the same mistake twice. Marriage is such a disadvantageous set up for males.
 
Help with what? High-five soreness?

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