First date horror stories

[MixMartialFarts]

After reading this entire thread over a couple of days i feel i owe a story or two of my own in repayment for all this comedy gold!

Not really a "first date" horror story more of "wtf it's a setup!" horror story.

A few years back i was newly single and not really looking for any birds. A friend of mine "Steve" had been seein this lass, she was alright i suppose 7/10, And she kept askin Steve if i'd be interested in meeting one of her friends now i was single, i declined. A few weeks later Steve asks me to me meet up for a few beers, sure why not.

Got to the pub and Steve was with his girl, which didnt bother me, she's cool. Anyway i'm sat there drinking & talking bollocks as usual when i notice Steve's girl takes a picture of me on her phone, "What you doin?" i asked, "oh nothing i was just taking a picture for my facebook." my suspicions were aroused.. unlike the rest of me that evening. 30 mins later were heading to another bar and Steves girl needs to go run an errand so she'll meet us there soon.
So were there getting fucked up, when she returns and she seems to have brought some kind of large mammal with her, this girl (if you can call it that) sweet jesus, around 5' 5" 220+ pounds, black goth \ metal clothing, tattoos everywhere and numerouse piercings 2/10, The 2 points being soley for the fact that i assumed she at least had a pussy. If i had to describe her as an animal the only vaugely matching description would be "Rhinosapig". This rather angry thing sat straight infront of me and proceeded to scare the shit out of me, she started to tell me how she had heard so much about me, that it's nice to meet a good guy that isnt a poser (i was wearing khaki shorts, tank top and shades, im pretty sure i was in full poser mode.) How much she hates Indie music and Indies are as bad as Chavs. Indie music and classic rock is my thing and im thinking how much i hate these dark dreary goth weirdos that hate everything just because they are so desperate to be "different".

For the most part i just tried to be polite, i was outnumbered and didnt want to be "the asshole". I gave Steve a wtf look and he was just sat there grinning, the motherfucker thought it was funny. She starts askin me all the usual questions and stuff and i try to give the most mundane answers possible, Steve and his girl get up and go to the bar "oh good were alone now" Rhinosapig says and proceeds to give me the look, you know the look that says "i'll suck you thru a hose pipe and then leave you crying, broken, battered & bruised like the victim of a grizzly bear". By this point im pretty wasted and this bitch was getting a bit too much complaining endlessly about anyone in the vicinity who didnt fit her style. As Steve sat back down and passed me another pint i thought theres only one way out of this.. i shouted "Jumanji!", it didn't work, she was still there & now the girls are staring at me, Steve is nearly crying laughing, then puzzled she starts fake laughing "oh your so silly!" Luckyily she's as dumb as she is unpleasant. Meanwhile i'm typing all this into facebook while she's talking at me, another friend of mine is telling me to "Get it!" so i have to point out she has a spike piercing below her lip.. So even if i settle for a blowjob i'm in danger of gettin a torn sack!
Then a miracle, she says she is hungry and wants to go get some fish and chips, i tell her i already ate, so she heads off with Steve's girl and promise they'll be right back. As soon as their out the door i said "You wanker, im out of here, tell them whatever you want, but i'm gone!" laughing Steve just says "Ok dude, ill cover you."
So i thanked god for making the Rhinosapig a gluttoness slob and legged it!

A few days later my phone rings, it's her, Steve gave her my number the treacherous dog! she tells me she hopes my mother is ok lol and Steve said how much i was gutted to have to go and she asked if i would like to go to a bbq at her house at the weekend, i replied "Fuck no!" and put the phone down, she never called back. :icon_twis

LOL awesome

 

[gigantalor]

Posted this story in another thread but it works here:

When I was a freshman in college, I was with this girl for roughly 5 months and of course teh sex was involved. Well one evening after having went to a Mexican restaurant (which I hate) we went back to her apartment. I felt the gurgle in my guts that said a train was leaving the station soon and there was no chance of stopping it. I was sure I could clinch till we finished, but couldn’t and sprayed some Hershey squirts close to finishing. What did I do? I finished of course, grabbed my clothes from the floor and went. Just as I got out the front door I heard her scream as I guess she found out her white bed spread had a little color then. For some reason she dumped me, but it was ok as I had officially and permanently marked my territory. Kind of felt like George in the Seinfeld episode except he stopped and left before he sprayed.

Way to keep it classy! lol. Love it.

I thought it was gonna be the story about the guy who cut loose in the basement toilet and his date (eventual wife) later told him that she heard the whole thing. That was one of the stories on here.

There was also another one where a guy had to go and the whole family was sitting in the next room and heard/smelt the whole thing.

 

[Scott Lawlor]

Posted this story in another thread but it works here:

When I was a freshman in college, I was with this girl for roughly 5 months and of course teh sex was involved. Well one evening after having went to a Mexican restaurant (which I hate) we went back to her apartment. I felt the gurgle in my guts that said a train was leaving the station soon and there was no chance of stopping it. I was sure I could clinch till we finished, but couldn

 

[mushishi]

Went out to eat with this one girl. During the middle of dinner, I had to take a massive shit. I excused myself and went to the restroom; the men's room was occupied. I made my way back to my table and continued dinner. After a few minutes I was crowning so I excused myself again. The men's room was still occupied so I did what I had to do: I used the woman's room. I open the door and there stands my date with a look of disappointment and disgust on her face. She wanted to go home.

 

[KOPower24]

Went out to eat with this one girl. During the middle of dinner, I had to take a massive shit. I excused myself and went to the restroom; the men's room was occupied. I made my way back to my table and continued dinner. After a few minutes I was crowning so I excused myself again. The men's room was still occupied so I did what I had to do: I used the woman's room. I open the door and there stands my date with a look of disappointment and disgust on her face. She wanted to go home.

At least you used a toilet bro, don't feel too bad.

 

[fatmatic]

haha, even worse she also told me "your dick stinks", Idk what it means but it was insulting as fuck lol. I was like bitch you haven't even seen my dick and she goes "I would love to". I think she along with her sister and sister's bf woulda chopped me up in pieces , had I gone to the theater to see her again.

this sounds like someone i know. so eerily similar

 

[Possum Jenkins]

THEN, she got creepy. She just started going on about how handsome I am (bitch is blind, im ugly as shit) and how lucky she is to eat with me.

Best part of the entire thread.

 

[SherdogGoat]

Went out to eat with this one girl. During the middle of dinner, I had to take a massive shit. I excused myself and went to the restroom; the men's room was occupied. I made my way back to my table and continued dinner. After a few minutes I was crowning so I excused myself again. The men's room was still occupied so I did what I had to do: I used the woman's room. I open the door and there stands my date with a look of disappointment and disgust on her face. She wanted to go home.

haha :icon_chee

 

[SherdogGoat]

this sounds like someone i know. so eerily similar

Go on...

 

[RSmith47]

This isn't a date but the other day I was at one of those Bath and Body stores with my girlfriend buying my mom a gift card for her birthday.

The chick at the counter had a 7/10 face with a 10/10 body for me. She had the tiniest, yet curviest body I've ever seen. Like the kind where you just stop what you're doing and watch until she's out of sight. Anyway I'm at the counter and I ask for a gift card. She gives me "a look" and then turns around and really bends over this counter and stretches for this card. My hormones were going nuts. I never really have this happen to me very often but in the flirtiest tone she asks "Can I do anything else for you?" and she gives me the Gina Carano lip bite. All the sudden I can feel my face getting tingly and warm and I look over expecting my girlfriend to not only be furious at her, but furious at me for obviously loving every second of this. Instead my girlfriend was just looking at me with "I love you" eyes and I turn back and hand the girl at the counter my card. She swipes the card, flips her hair, bends unnecessarily over the counter to let me see down her shirt and then says my name and bye (obviously she looked at my card). It was so awesome yet so uncomfortable at the same time.

 

[lakersfan45]

After reading this entire thread over a couple of days i feel i owe a story or two of my own in repayment for all this comedy gold!

Not really a "first date" horror story more of "wtf it's a setup!" horror story.

A few years back i was newly single and not really looking for any birds. A friend of mine "Steve" had been seein this lass, she was alright i suppose 7/10, And she kept askin Steve if i'd be interested in meeting one of her friends now i was single, i declined. A few weeks later Steve asks me to me meet up for a few beers, sure why not.

Got to the pub and Steve was with his girl, which didnt bother me, she's cool. Anyway i'm sat there drinking & talking bollocks as usual when i notice Steve's girl takes a picture of me on her phone, "What you doin?" i asked, "oh nothing i was just taking a picture for my facebook." my suspicions were aroused.. unlike the rest of me that evening. 30 mins later were heading to another bar and Steves girl needs to go run an errand so she'll meet us there soon.
So were there getting fucked up, when she returns and she seems to have brought some kind of large mammal with her, this girl (if you can call it that) sweet jesus, around 5' 5" 220+ pounds, black goth \ metal clothing, tattoos everywhere and numerouse piercings 2/10, The 2 points being soley for the fact that i assumed she at least had a pussy. If i had to describe her as an animal the only vaugely matching description would be "Rhinosapig". This rather angry thing sat straight infront of me and proceeded to scare the shit out of me, she started to tell me how she had heard so much about me, that it's nice to meet a good guy that isnt a poser (i was wearing khaki shorts, tank top and shades, im pretty sure i was in full poser mode.) How much she hates Indie music and Indies are as bad as Chavs. Indie music and classic rock is my thing and im thinking how much i hate these dark dreary goth weirdos that hate everything just because they are so desperate to be "different".

For the most part i just tried to be polite, i was outnumbered and didnt want to be "the asshole". I gave Steve a wtf look and he was just sat there grinning, the motherfucker thought it was funny. She starts askin me all the usual questions and stuff and i try to give the most mundane answers possible, Steve and his girl get up and go to the bar "oh good were alone now" Rhinosapig says and proceeds to give me the look, you know the look that says "i'll suck you thru a hose pipe and then leave you crying, broken, battered & bruised like the victim of a grizzly bear". By this point im pretty wasted and this bitch was getting a bit too much complaining endlessly about anyone in the vicinity who didnt fit her style. As Steve sat back down and passed me another pint i thought theres only one way out of this.. i shouted "Jumanji!", it didn't work, she was still there & now the girls are staring at me, Steve is nearly crying laughing, then puzzled she starts fake laughing "oh your so silly!" Luckyily she's as dumb as she is unpleasant. Meanwhile i'm typing all this into facebook while she's talking at me, another friend of mine is telling me to "Get it!" so i have to point out she has a spike piercing below her lip.. So even if i settle for a blowjob i'm in danger of gettin a torn sack!
Then a miracle, she says she is hungry and wants to go get some fish and chips, i tell her i already ate, so she heads off with Steve's girl and promise they'll be right back. As soon as their out the door i said "You wanker, im out of here, tell them whatever you want, but i'm gone!" laughing Steve just says "Ok dude, ill cover you."
So i thanked god for making the Rhinosapig a gluttoness slob and legged it!

A few days later my phone rings, it's her, Steve gave her my number the treacherous dog! she tells me she hopes my mother is ok lol and Steve said how much i was gutted to have to go and she asked if i would like to go to a bbq at her house at the weekend, i replied "Fuck no!" and put the phone down, she never called back. :icon_twis

nice try on the "jumanji". Should have just ran out screaming that

 

[unhealthy]

Hilarious thread.

Though I find it disturbing how many of you Sherbros piss, shit and puke on yourselves, the lady and everything in the vicinity.

Do any of the ladies on here have stories to share?

 

[ElKarlo]

Hilarious thread.

Though I find it disturbing how many of you Sherbros piss, shit and puke on yourselves, the lady and everything in the vicinity.

Do any of the ladies on here have stories to share?

Yeah haven't done any of those since age 3 or so.

You can't have sex in the champagne room, and there are no females on sherdog

 

[LucasWithLidOff]

First date I had this girl ask me how much I make. Afterwards, she expressed her dissapointment in my salary and said "I don't even know why I'm here." We ended up dating for a few months. She is currently engaged to a rich guy.

I wouldn't have even answered that. Should have just answered with how much do you weigh? What a classless piece of shit.

 

[Bukowski82]

I wouldn't have even answered that. Should have just answered with how much do you weigh? What a classless piece of shit.

lol at how much do you make... I'd have smiled, thanked her for her time and walked out immediately. Dude's lucky that shit came out so early, dodged a bullet there.

 

[ShackleMeNot]

A few years ago a friend of mine went home with this girl that he met at a club. He woke up in the middle of the night, felt that something was off and soon found out that he had shit himself in his sleep. Now panicking, he took her underwear while she was sleeping and smeared the shit on it and bits and pieces (im lmao right now thinking about this) on her buttcheek and surrounding area trying to put the blame on her and then quietly sneaked out.

I almost died when he told me lol, it made me laugh so hard my heart literally hurt. But I wasn't sure if he was making it up or not.
A week later we are out for a few beers and the same girl walks in with a friend of hers..I will never forget his face when he realised who just came in lol! They had instant eye contact, it was glorious. She came over pissed as hell and started making a scene yelling "you fucking psycho, why did you do that?! You disgusting pos" and my favorite "you smeared shit on my ass!" which made me burst out laughing so fucking hard for some reason. We called him shitbreak for like 6 months after that, and I still got him saved as shitbreak on my phone.

Fin

i'm sitting here laughing so hard that i just woke up my girlfriend

 

[Hatredcopter]

That's one of the funniest things I've ever read. Thanks for sharing. Poor guy also had to spend hours in the car with her after that. I really hope the guy is gay, otherwise that's supremely pathetic.

He's prob gay after that, or a taxidermist

 

[Hatredcopter]

Never stick your dick in crazy.
I don't take drugs and have no problem with others who use them, as long as they leave me alone with it. But dealing this shit was a little bit to much for me

 

[Hatredcopter]

One of the most cringe worthy things ever:

"My names Magic_man"

I was too nervous to even look over at her

Then things took a turn drastic turn for the worst


"Do you like daggers"


I felt like I was dying.
I then put my head down on the table with both hands over my head

I vomited

The girl looked scared to death


I yelled halt

I drove home feeling so beta

This story fosters a sense of "Pena ajena", however after the mental breakdown surprisingly the dude's "Litost" evokes a strange, strong "Schadenfreude". I felt embarrassed at laughing out loud.

Making the girl laugh after "halt" was almost the most alpha thing he could have done, with a potential comeback, but the story ended inevitably.

I love the phrase "then things took a turn for the worst"! Like it was going so swimmingly. This is also more delta than beta. Poor guy

Litost (Czech): a state of torment created by the sudden sight of one’s own misery

Pena ajena (Mexican Spanish): The embarrassment you feel watching someone else’s humiliation

Schadenfreude (German): the pleasure derived from someone else’s pain

 

[LucasWithLidOff]

Nope, telling her that is a cry for help in a girls mind. Then she'll pity him and try to save him.

But then you can get away with anything until she gives up on you.