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First date horror stories

This thread is the stuff of legend... We need some new stories to keep it going. Let's hear em!
 
Exactley, that's something you just gotta own.

I owned it. Everything else was going pretty well for me at the time- good career, hot younger fiancee, upcoming vacay so I went and didn't give a fuck, and neither did anyone else.
 
This thread is the stuff of legend... We need some new stories to keep it going. Let's hear em!

agreed, I was bummed when i saw that it was running out of steam. I shared my funniest one but I'll try to think of some more.
 
Long story, but I hope its entertaining enough...

Three years ago I decided to travel on my own to Brazil, to go to Curitiba and train at Cristiano Marcello's gym with no real experience whatsoever. Living in a gym with other fighters can be nice, but sometimes, its fucking annoying too.

I randomly met some surfer dudes who decided that they were going to show me around the nightlife. We agreed on meeting in a bar in Reboucas (a neighborhood). I quickly caught a glimpse of the directions on google maps and decided to walk there, its only 4 miles from the gym.

I started walking until I arrived at a shopping mall (crystal) and forgot the rest of the directions, so I decide to ask them to a really pretty girl in my best portuguese. All I remembered is that the street has something
 
Did the chick ever show back up at the gym?

No... she sent me a few emails that scared me even more and I never took contact with her again. Last thing I knew she moved back to her mother's place, on the other side of Brazil.
 
Stop posting joker gifs in every fucking thread.

why so serious?



well i'll add another. ive never shared this.

about 6 years after high school, i returned home for some family thing. that evening, i went to one of the bars in the downtown area with a couple buddies and bumped into one of my former teachers (i'll call her Lola) who had taught me when i was a sophmore (she was also newly married when she taught us). at the time she became a teacher she around 23-24 so when we chatted and reconnected Lola was about 29-30 and i about 22-23. well, this woman was smokin. the type of teacher most of us want to nail when we're in high school but would most likely embarrass ourselves with if given the chance. also the type of smokin fine p.o.a. that we see in the news nowadays and just say "where were these whore teachers when i was in high school?!?!?" well, the evening progresses. occasionally i'll see Lola across the bar and smile. im thinking "man, would i like too.." my buddies and i joke about it, knowing getting laid by her is about as likely as falling out of a ship in the Pacific and not getting wet. so anyway, further into the night eventually she walks by me as i go to the restroom. she says something i dont hear because there was a speaker close to where we are standing. but the message is clear. she puts a note in my pocket and grabs my "special purpose" like shes trying to rip a phonebook in half :D before saying "DONT SAY ANYTHING TO YOUR BOYS!" right in my ear and walking away. and man did the walkaway look wonderful. so i go to take a piss (and clearly im pretty fucking pumped now. i probably looked the same as i did when i got Castle Grayskull on Christmas morning in the winter of 84'). i read the note. its says something like "ive always wanted to suck your ****. lets have won* (sic, i always thought this was hilarious since she taught English) memorable night." i also thought the fact that she "always" had wanted to do that was pretty telling since i was like 9-10 when she first met me. (we mostly all knew her before she became our teacher since she was from the same town)...

so i walk out of the bathroom and i cant wait to leave. my buddies are ready to party all night but i give some bullshit excuse to leave. and i see that Lola has just walked out the door with her friend. So i walk to my car and at this point im so amped up, i could destroy a car rampage style with my winky. so i wait 20 minutes (this was before cell phones were super popular. i probably had an early prepaid and it probably had no minutes knowing me) and call from a pay phone. she answers and tells me to hurry. i get to her house and holy fuck, fireworks. it was just like i had hoped, better than i could have imagined. she made me feel like i was cooler than Mark Wahlberg in "Boogie Nights." so the alcohol helped me to fuel my fire all night long. when the roosters finally crowed, we had maybe been asleep for around 30 minutes. then the weirdo started kicking into overdrive. she started saying the shit i hoped she wouldnt repeat. she began talking about how hot for me she was when she taught me then about how she always thought i was sexy when i was like 11-12. this and the fact that i thought i was gong to end up chained in her basement made me cut my losses and decide it was time to cut out. nobodies boiling my bunnies!!! so i open the bedroom door and walk into the living room and
there in the lazyboy sits her husband. or ex husband. never did get clarification on that one. i was to busy running out of the house.

i never did talk to her again. she did try to friend me on fb a couple years back. well shes tried a few times tbh but i thought it was wiser not to approve her.

all i could think of all day was "i wonder how long he sat in that fucking lazyboy listening to his wife or ex wife screaming like she had just been given a free line of credit at Bed bath and Beyond for life..."
 
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Lol...some crazy shit going on with online dating..

And this thread comes up when I was just thinking the other day to finally give it a try (I have literally never tried to arrange myself a date online).

Cant be all bead though...I guess :)
 
why so serious?



well i'll add another. ive never shared this.

about 6 years after high school, i returned home for some family thing. that evening, i went to one of the bars in the downtown area with a couple buddies and bumped into one of my former teachers (i'll call her Lola) who had taught me when i was a sophmore (she was also newly married when she taught us). at the time she became a teacher she around 23-24 so when we chatted and reconnected Lola was about 29-30 and i about 22-23. well, this woman was smokin. the type of teacher most of us want to nail when we're in high school but would most likely embarrass ourselves with if given the chance. also the type of smokin fine p.o.a. that we see in the news nowadays and just say "where were these whore teachers when i was in high school?!?!?" well, the evening progresses. occasionally i'll see Lola across the bar and smile. im thinking "man, would i like too.." my buddies and i joke about it, knowing getting laid by her is about as likely as falling out of a ship in the Pacific and not getting wet. so anyway, further into the night eventually she walks by me as i go to the restroom. she says something i dont hear because there was a speaker close to where we are standing. but the message is clear. she puts a note in my pocket and grabs my "special purpose" like shes trying to rip a phonebook in half :D before saying "DONT SAY ANYTHING TO YOUR BOYS!" right in my ear and walking away. and man did the walkaway look wonderful. so i go to take a piss (and clearly im pretty fucking pumped now. i probably looked the same as i did when i got Castle Grayskull on Christmas morning in the winter of 84'). i read the note. its says something like "ive always wanted to suck your ****. lets have won* (sic, i always thought this was hilarious since she taught English) memorable night." i also thought the fact that she "always" had wanted to do that was pretty telling since i was like 9-10 when she first met me. (we mostly all knew her before she became our teacher since she was from the same town)...

so i walk out of the bathroom and i cant wait to leave. my buddies are ready to party all night but i give some bullshit excuse to leave. and i see that Lola has just walked out the door with her friend. So i walk to my car and at this point im so amped up, i could destroy a car rampage style with my winky. so i wait 20 minutes (this was before cell phones were super popular. i probably had an early prepaid and it probably had no minutes knowing me) and call from a pay phone. she answers and tells me to hurry. i get to her house and holy fuck, fireworks. it was just like i had hoped, better than i could have imagined. she made me feel like i was cooler than Mark Wahlberg in "Boogie Nights." so the alcohol helped me to fuel my fire all night long. when the roosters finally crowed, we had maybe been asleep for around 30 minutes. then the weirdo started kicking into overdrive. she started saying the shit i hoped she wouldnt repeat. she began talking about how hot for me she was when she taught me then about how she always thought i was sexy when i was like 11-12. this and the fact that i thought i was gong to end up chained in her basement made me cut my losses and decide it was time to cut out. nobodies boiling my bunnies!!! so i open the bedroom door and walk into the living room and
there in the lazyboy sits her husband. or ex husband. never did get clarification on that one. i was to busy running out of the house.

i never did talk to her again. she did try to friend me on fb a couple years back. well shes tried a few times tbh but i thought it was wiser not to approve her.

all i could think of all day was "i wonder how long he sat in that fucking lazyboy listening to his wife or ex wife screaming like she had just been given a free line of credit at Bed bath and Beyond for life..."

Holy shit... How do you not own a shirt that has this entire story written on it and wear it every day of your life.

Best of the thread!
 
I posted this in another thread months ago but it fits here too..

This happened back in the day before everyone had digital cameras and all that. I was still a virgin and I was trolling the old yahoo profiles for chicks in my area and messaging them randomly. I came across this one backstreet boy lover girl profile and sent her a message. We were both 18 at the time. We started talking and she sounded smokin hot on the phone. Haha...like that matters. Anyway neither of us had digital cameras but she said she had a pair of tickets for the basketball game and wanted to know if I wanted to go. So I was like yeah what the hell, it's not like this is super serious or anything.

I show up and basically a Hells Angel of a father answers the door and I'm thinking I'm in trouble. Instead he shakes my hand and tells me thanks for taking his daughter out. At that moment I was like oh shit this is going to be bad. He calls for her and when she shows up in the doorway she was monsterous. She was ugly as sin and her body type was more water bed than human. I was stuck at this point so I had to take this bitch to the game.

While we were waiting to get inside she kept holding me from behind like a 14 year old does to his 14 year old girlfriend and she kept leaning up on me against the fence we were standing next to, practically crushing me. It was so embarrassing that this was happening in public. I kept having to break the clinch and whizzer my way out of it without pissing her off. I was Brandon Vera and she was Randy Couture. I was being dominated by this unpleasant beast. Honestly I don't know how you can get that big at 18. I don't know how it was humanly possible to eat that much food in 18 years of existence but she found a way. After the game she tried to kiss me and I made up some BS story about how I didn't kiss on the first date.

I dropped her off at home and never once answered any of her emails or calls again. The emails and calls started with "Hey, it's me, I had a lot of fun! Lets go out again" and started transitioning to "Hey why are you ignoring me? I hope everything is ok" and finally "I'm going to kill myself! How could you do this to me? I loved you!".

Never again would I meet another girl online without seeing a picture first.
 
lol. i remember reading that one Smith. good stuff.

do you even whale hunt bro?
 
I'll add this here as well. I was in a Frat in College. The key to maximizing hook-ups at these types of parties is to just be aware there is a window of opportunity that starts around 12 and closes around 3 in the morning. After that, everything good is already taken and your left with just hanging out with a bunch of your buddies, a couple of fat chica's and and a bunch of Keystone light.

Anyways, this one night i'd missed the hook up window and one of the 'larger' ladies was all over me. At first I resisted, but eventually as I drank even more, she started to look pretty good. (Don't laugh, you know you've been there) So I tell her to follow me next door to where I lived in the Annex. Get her up to my room without anyone seeing us... Have the sex and pass out. The next morning I wake up to find what a terrible mistake I've made. There's only a few guys that live in the Annex and everyone else lives next door so I think I have a pretty good chance of getting her out of there without anyone noticing. I do some recon and no one is up yet. So I sneak her downstairs and we're just about to get to the backdoor, when this girl asks if she can have some Orange Juice. Reluctantley, I go pour her a glass. And she starts telling me her life story while she's drinking it. I hurry her up and sneak her out without anyone seeing me, to my suprise. Drive her home and thank whatever god there is that no one witnessed what I'd done.

That is, until she stopped by the house a few weeks later while I wasn't there insinuating to my Brothers that we were 'dating...' I never lived that one down. lol... But redeemed myself with the same situation... I'll tell you how. About a month or so after that, I come home and my buddy's like... There was this girl that came by looking for you, but since you weren't here she left a note on your bed. I walk upstairs, see the note and read it. It said that me and her had talked one night, but I got too drunk and she ended up talking to some other guy and that I ended up having sex with her sister (Not sorority sister, real sister) but that she wanted to hang out sometime, especially since she was attending my school in the fall. I checked her out on myspace (Yes, I know) and this girl is hot. Kinda looked like Michelle Rodriguez... So I call her, we hang out and I bang her as well. She gets a little attached so I cut off all communication.

Years later, I saw her at a club downtown... We flirt a little bit and I gave her my nice jacket while we were outside because she was cold. Then she just leaves... with my jacket. lol. I guess we're even now.
 
Mainly posting this for the bump; but disappointing first online date today - coffee date (the worst kind), probably bored her witless. Get home and her profile is showing as suspended (which I presume means she's blocked me).

Was not the disaster I'd hoped for (I had a suitably low opinion of my chances of success). Should probably lower my standards to increase chance of disastrous dates, but I have problems with that. Damn standards.
 
I was out hanging with Leah, this crazy artsy chick I was casually seeing 2 years before. We go out to hang with her friends at a gig. One of her friends seemed to like me and she was very cute, slim and tanned. Nothing happens that night. About a month later we meet up and go to another gig. And we head back to Leahs place with her, the cute friend and another punk chick who was weird as.

We stop outside Leahs room and her cute friend goes in there. Leah whispers to me: she really likes you, you should make out with her then pushes me in her room and closes the door. I think, well I wasn't going to cause I thought you'd be pissed but if I have your blessing..

The room is pretty much one big bed so I sit next to this girl and we soon start kissing. The girl goes real awkward, aggressive on me. Too much tongue, too much lip everywhere. And she tries to put her hand down my pants instantly. I'm holding her wrist back, feeling massively awkward and she gets her hand down anyway. I'm not sure what the hell is going on but she must think its a stuck gear shift and just brutally starts gripping and torquing it in every direction.

I tell her to go gentler but she keeps going and im worried there will be damage so I figure enough enough and as Im pulling her hand out Leah comes in the room and yells: What the hell are you doing?? I have no clue. Ha. I get away from the crazy cute chick and go outside, Leah follows and starts screaming at me: Don't you know she was drunk, why are you hooking up with my friend? I tell her that she suggested it but that doesn't help and she keeps screaming. So I tell her I'm going home and quickly piss off. Thankful to be away from both of them.
 
i had to eat her entire dinner and mine (40 buck dinner ). it was at some japanese sushi bar
 
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