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First date horror stories

Yes... A gigantic cat poster that my Mom had appearantley just put up in my room before she left that day. :eek: I'm talking multiple Cats... Cat's everywhere in this thing. Just a gigantic poster of a bunch of fucking cats.
You mother, wherever she was, was probably like:
1438396284_11310326_success_kid_answer_1_xlarge.png


She knew what's up.
 
Dude, what are you , like 12? That's pretty much par for the course for any lay with maybe a sprinkling of sugar on top.

I know right, that's why the story found its way here. It was weird that I did that.
 
The only really bad first date I've ever had was an absolute disaster. I came in from my freshman year of college one weekend, and the girl babysitting my sister (let's call her Jane) was pretty cute. She was a senior in high school, we got to talking a bit, and I ended up getting her number. We talked once or twice on the phone, and she ends up asking me to her senior prom. I felt a bit weird going since I didn't know a single other person at her school, but I also knew I was going to need a good study break that weekend, so I decided to go and blow off some steam. I really should have trusted my instinct. She tells me we're supposed to go out for dinner with a group of people, so obviously I held off of eating. Well an hour and a half after she was supposed to pick me up, I'm about to pack my stuff and head back to my dorm when she shows up with a friend (let's call her Tammy, a good white trash stripper name). She tells me she's sorry they're late and that they already ate, so we could just head straight to the dance. I was starving by that point, so I said I needed to get a quick bite before we went and tried tried to convince them to just let me run grab some fast food, but they insisted we go to a "fancy restaurant." We end up at Chile's, and I feel like a complete jackass eating by myself while these two girls watched. I was trying to be a good sport and do what they wanted for the sake of the night, which in retrospect should have ended when they were late. The conversations were awkward, and most of the meal consisted of Tammy hitting on our waiter. I then find out that not only did Tammy not have a date, she didn't even go to the same damn school. It brought me to ask the awkward but inevitable question, "What are you doing here?" Jane said she wanted her best friend with her on her prom night. If it wasn't a certainty before, I knew for sure the rest of the night was going to be awful.

I was pissed, but I played along, thinking maybe it would pay off in the end. Before we head to the dance, we stop by Tammy's house because--despite being comfortably dressed and in public for over an hour--she didn't like the way her outfit looked. I agreed that it looked horrendous but kept my silence. We get inside, and they run into a room to try on dresses. I didn't even know where to sit because this house was fucking filthy. There was pet hair coating every piece of furniture, and I felt like I just snorted a few lines of high grade pollen. So Tammy's weirdo mom comes to keep me company for at least 30 minutes. This whack job started introducing me to all her pets--the most noteworthy being George Harrison Gerbil and Ringo Rabbit--using what she felt were cute voices for each intro. I was ready to bolt, but the girls come out the room. Tammy was dressed like a cheap hooker, but I didn't feel the need to say anything since I finally had a good excuse to get the holy hell away from that animal house.

Well we get to the dance, and apparently the school doesn't let girls wear dresses that cover less than a bathing suit, so we aren't allowed in--and by we, I mean Tammy only. Back to the funny farm we go. As they go back to change, her dad arrives home with Tammy's little 6th grade sister, who had just been caught fucking her boyfriend at his parents' house. I get to listen to a guy with a handlebar mustache, pony tail, cheap homemade tattoos, and a voice like Lou from Major League berate this little escort-in-training right in front of me. At this point I started working on a ride home, as I felt I was about to be a first hand witness to child abuse. I wasn't having much luck, and Jane and Tammy walk outside and found me hiding on the porch. Tammy is wearing the same fucking dress!!! I couldn't believe my eyes. They seem to think security would be wearing thin by this point in the night, so Tammy would be able to walk right in. I politely broke my silence and told her she needed to go find something that covered both her stomach and the lower half of her tits before we left because I wasn't making another trip back there. 4 phone calls with no luck later, and the girls are *finally* ready to leave.

I'm in the backseat of the car--debating whether I even wanted to wear a seat belt--when Jane sees her ex-boyfriend driving by. Of course she does. "Let's follow him!" I thought I was on a fucking hidden camera show. I'd only dated normal girls before (and after); so I couldn't believe this was reality. Anyways, the ex figures out who's behind him, and he takes off (presumably for dear life), only for Jane to stick her head out the window and drop a few swears and threats at the car as it sped off. Now the pre-party festivities were finally over, and it was time for the prom, which is maybe an hour and a half from ending.

We get back to the dance, and Tammy is up to code. We are maybe five steps through the door when Jane screams "OOOOOOH MYYYYYY GOD!!!" while running in place. I was embarrassed and even felt bad for her, which really says something given the misery she'd been dragging me through. She and Tammy darted off to a crowd of their friends, leaving me standing behind. The dance was only 3.5 miles from my parents' house, so at that point the walk was well worth it. I took straight to the street and was finally able to work out a ride home about a mile into my escape. I packed my bags and decided to drive home that night. I end up with a voice mail later saying, "I'm not sure why you ditched me on my prom night, but we're going to a party and I really want you to come, so pleeeease call me back!!!" She called maybe 4 or 5 times over the next week, but I had no intention of ever picking up the phone. I've never heard from her again, but I can only assume she now works the desk at a tanning salon during the day and waitresses at strip joints in the evenings. Tammy more than likely contracted HIV and was beaten dead by her pimp.

No Cliffs, spent too much time typing already.
 
Last edited:
The only really bad first date I've ever had was an absolute disaster. I came in from my freshman year of college one weekend, and the girl babysitting my sister (let's call her Jane) was pretty cute. She was a senior in high school, we got to talking a bit, and I ended up getting her number. We talked once or twice on the phone, and she ends up asking me to her senior prom. I felt a bit weird going since I didn't know a single other person at her school, but I also knew I was going to need a good study break that weekend, so I decided to go and blow off some steam. I really should have trusted my instinct. She tells me we're supposed to go out for dinner with a group of people, so obviously I held off of eating. Well an hour and a half after she was supposed to pick me up, I'm about to pack my stuff and head back to my dorm when she shows up with a friend (let's call her Tammy, a good white trash stripper name). She tells me shes sorry they're late but that they already ate, so we could just head straight to the dance. I was starving by that point, so I said I needed to get a quick bite before we went and tried tried to convince them to just let me run grab some fast food, but they insisted we go to a "fancy restaurant." We end up at Chile's, and I feel like a complete jackass eating by myself while these two girls watched. I was trying to be a good sport and do what they wanted for the sake of the night, which in retrospect should have ended when they were late. The conversations were awkward, and most of the meal consisted of Tammy hitting on our waiter. I then find out that not only did Tammy not have a date, she didn't even go to the same damn school. It brought me to ask the awkward but inevitable question, "What are you doing here?" Jane said she wanted her best friend with her o. Her prom night. If it wasnt a certainty before, I knew for sure the rest of the night was going to be awful.

I was pissed, but I played along, thinking maybe it would pay off in the end. Before we head to the dance, we stop by Tammy's house because--despite beinfb dressed and in public for over an hour--she didn't like the way her outfit looked. I agreed that it looked horrendous but kept my silence. We get inside, and they run into a room to try on outfits. I didn't even know where to sit because this house was fucking filthy. There was pet hair coating every piece of furniture, and I felt like I just snorted a few lines of high grade pollen. So Tammy's weirdo mom comes to keep me company for at least 30 minutes. This whack job started introducing me to all her pets--the most noteworthy beinf George Harrison Gerbil and Ringo Rabbit--using what she felt were cute voices for each intro. I was ready to bolt, but the girls come out the room. Tammy was dressed like a cheap hooker, but I didn't feel the need to say anything since I finally had a good excuse to get the holy hell away from that animal house.

Well we get to the dance, and apparently the school doesn't let girl's wear dresses that cover less than a bathing suit, so we aren't allowed in--and by we I mean Tammy only. Back to the funny farm we go. As they go back to change, her dad arrives home with Tammy's little 6th grade sister, who had just been caught fucking her boyfriend at his parents' house. I get to listen to a guy with a handlebar mustache, pony tail, cheap homemade tattoos, and a voice like Lou from Major League berate this little escort-in-training right in front of me. At this point I started working on a ride home, as I felt I was about to be a first hand witness to child abuse. I wasn't having much luck, and Jane and Tammy walk outside and found me hiding on the porch. Tammy is wearing the same fucking dress!!! I couldn't believe my eyes. They seem to think security would be wearing thin by this point in the night, so Tammy would be able to walk right in. I politely broke my silence and told her she needed to go find something that covered both her stomach and the lower half of her tits before we left because I wasn't making another trip back there. 4 phone calls with no luck later, and the girls are *finally* ready to leave.

I'm in the backseat of the car--debating whether I even wanted to wear a seat belt--when Jane sees her ex-boyfriend driving by. Of course she does. "Let's follow him!" I thought I was on a fucking hidden camera show. I'd only dated normal girls before (and after); so I couldn't believe this was reality. Anyways, the ex figures out who's behind him, and he takes off, only for my date to stick her head out the window and drop a few swears and threats at the car as it sped off. Now the pre-party festivities were finally over, and it was time for the prom, which is maybe an hour and a half from ending.

We get back to the dance, and Tammy is up to code. We are maybe five steps through the door when Jane screams "OOOOOOH MYYYYYY GOD!!!" while running in place. It was embarrassing. She and Tammy darted off to a crowd of their friends, leaving me standing behind. The dance was only 3.5 miles from my parents' house, so at that point the walk was well worth it. I took straight to the street and was finally able to work out a ride home about a mile into my escape. I packed my bags and decided to drive home that night. I end up with a voice mail later saying, "I'm not sure why you ditched me on my prom night, but we're going to a party and I really want you to come, so pleeeease call me back!!!" She called maybe 4 or 5 times over the next week, but I had no intention of ever picking up the phone. I've never heard from her again, but I can only assume she now works the desk at a tanning salon during the day and waitresses at strip joints in the evenings. Tammy more than likely contracted HIV and was beaten dead by her pimp.

No Cliffs, spent too much time typing already.

hahaha...no cliffs needed my friend. that shit was hilarious.

thanks for sharing.
 
The only really bad first date I've ever had was an absolute disaster. I came in from my freshman year of college one weekend, and the girl babysitting my sister (let's call her Jane) was pretty cute. She was a senior in high school, we got to talking a bit, and I ended up getting her number. We talked once or twice on the phone, and she ends up asking me to her senior prom. I felt a bit weird going since I didn't know a single other person at her school, but I also knew I was going to need a good study break that weekend, so I decided to go and blow off some steam. I really should have trusted my instinct. She tells me we're supposed to go out for dinner with a group of people, so obviously I held off of eating. Well an hour and a half after she was supposed to pick me up, I'm about to pack my stuff and head back to my dorm when she shows up with a friend (let's call her Tammy, a good white trash stripper name). She tells me shes sorry they're late but that they already ate, so we could just head straight to the dance. I was starving by that point, so I said I needed to get a quick bite before we went and tried tried to convince them to just let me run grab some fast food, but they insisted we go to a "fancy restaurant." We end up at Chile's, and I feel like a complete jackass eating by myself while these two girls watched. I was trying to be a good sport and do what they wanted for the sake of the night, which in retrospect should have ended when they were late. The conversations were awkward, and most of the meal consisted of Tammy hitting on our waiter. I then find out that not only did Tammy not have a date, she didn't even go to the same damn school. It brought me to ask the awkward but inevitable question, "What are you doing here?" Jane said she wanted her best friend with her o. Her prom night. If it wasnt a certainty before, I knew for sure the rest of the night was going to be awful.

I was pissed, but I played along, thinking maybe it would pay off in the end. Before we head to the dance, we stop by Tammy's house because--despite beinfb dressed and in public for over an hour--she didn't like the way her outfit looked. I agreed that it looked horrendous but kept my silence. We get inside, and they run into a room to try on outfits. I didn't even know where to sit because this house was fucking filthy. There was pet hair coating every piece of furniture, and I felt like I just snorted a few lines of high grade pollen. So Tammy's weirdo mom comes to keep me company for at least 30 minutes. This whack job started introducing me to all her pets--the most noteworthy beinf George Harrison Gerbil and Ringo Rabbit--using what she felt were cute voices for each intro. I was ready to bolt, but the girls come out the room. Tammy was dressed like a cheap hooker, but I didn't feel the need to say anything since I finally had a good excuse to get the holy hell away from that animal house.

Well we get to the dance, and apparently the school doesn't let girl's wear dresses that cover less than a bathing suit, so we aren't allowed in--and by we I mean Tammy only. Back to the funny farm we go. As they go back to change, her dad arrives home with Tammy's little 6th grade sister, who had just been caught fucking her boyfriend at his parents' house. I get to listen to a guy with a handlebar mustache, pony tail, cheap homemade tattoos, and a voice like Lou from Major League berate this little escort-in-training right in front of me. At this point I started working on a ride home, as I felt I was about to be a first hand witness to child abuse. I wasn't having much luck, and Jane and Tammy walk outside and found me hiding on the porch. Tammy is wearing the same fucking dress!!! I couldn't believe my eyes. They seem to think security would be wearing thin by this point in the night, so Tammy would be able to walk right in. I politely broke my silence and told her she needed to go find something that covered both her stomach and the lower half of her tits before we left because I wasn't making another trip back there. 4 phone calls with no luck later, and the girls are *finally* ready to leave.

I'm in the backseat of the car--debating whether I even wanted to wear a seat belt--when Jane sees her ex-boyfriend driving by. Of course she does. "Let's follow him!" I thought I was on a fucking hidden camera show. I'd only dated normal girls before (and after); so I couldn't believe this was reality. Anyways, the ex figures out who's behind him, and he takes off, only for my date to stick her head out the window and drop a few swears and threats at the car as it sped off. Now the pre-party festivities were finally over, and it was time for the prom, which is maybe an hour and a half from ending.

We get back to the dance, and Tammy is up to code. We are maybe five steps through the door when Jane screams "OOOOOOH MYYYYYY GOD!!!" while running in place. It was embarrassing. She and Tammy darted off to a crowd of their friends, leaving me standing behind. The dance was only 3.5 miles from my parents' house, so at that point the walk was well worth it. I took straight to the street and was finally able to work out a ride home about a mile into my escape. I packed my bags and decided to drive home that night. I end up with a voice mail later saying, "I'm not sure why you ditched me on my prom night, but we're going to a party and I really want you to come, so pleeeease call me back!!!" She called maybe 4 or 5 times over the next week, but I had no intention of ever picking up the phone. I've never heard from her again, but I can only assume she now works the desk at a tanning salon during the day and waitresses at strip joints in the evenings. Tammy more than likely contracted HIV and was beaten dead by her pimp.

No Cliffs, spent too much time typing already.

Hahah, that's awesome!
 
Was on a dating website...saw this girl who did go to my University.

Some texting etc..

She ask me to go for dinner at 12...I said ill prolly be drunk as I always take 3 shooter + 2 beer during the break of my Environment class... Oh well I got to the bar inside the Varsity.

I see some girl waiting...im like oh no there she his... She don't approach me or anything...

I go back to class...have a text...you are amazing...I said was it you...you look nice..lets go eat..

So I go eat to some restaurant...she pay the bill for me...invite me to a movie. Let's go...

Movie star...she's getting close etc...and tell me in the ear...my best quality is that i'm really tight...

I said to myself,,,I hope se becuz you have no tits...

Well nothing happened that day but she invite me over 2 days after....

She make a nice dinner...and after that she's all over me...

We kiss...she's sucking like a champ... and BAM....

she freaking bite me so hard im like WTF.... She get naked and I see the AMAZOn FOREST down there...she was tight...but not anymore after...

I get like 1000 text and emails and shes spying me every monday...My friend told her to let go...
My worse experience..
............................

Also in college...1st class of the year...im lsot...I see a girl who'se lost...we are in the same class. We get mix together randomly for some teamwork...she's a beayty and everything... She has a BF.

Next semester i see here...say hi but she's in a hurry...

2 weeks after I know she went on a trip...I ask here...what did you bring for me?

She said a full tan body...

My friend is like...she's all over you...being a piece of hit i said to myself she has a bf etc...

well 2 years after I call here after seeing his phone # in a book to met...

she said...I wanted to fuck you 2 years ago...now I have a kid etc...

!!!!!
 
hahaha...no cliffs needed my friend. that shit was hilarious.

thanks for sharing.
No problem. Thanks for taking the time to read it. Most long posts go ignored, making it not worth the time and effort.
 
Hahah, oh man... This reminds me of a fairly embarrassing one.

Growing up I had the best parents you could even imagine. The only one complaint is that my Mom was always way too Mom'ish... And even though she could be pretty corny, I was happy to have one that cared so much, so a lot of times I'd just humor her on stuff she'd give me as presents (shirts, books on stupid stuff, ect.) I don't know how she got this in her head... But she thought I really loved cats for whatever reason and would always get me books on them, ect.

Anyways, I always threw parties at my parents place in High School because they were gone on work or vacation all the time. This particular party, I'm in the process of hooking up with a girl that literally everyone at my school wanted to bang... Just a 10/10. Things are going really well, Massage in the hot tub, making out on the couch... and she's like, hey... Why don't we check out your room?

Head up to my room, fall on top of her on my bed, things are getting really hot... and then, Boom. All of the sudden she's just staring at the ceiling. I ask her whats up and she just points. Based on the look on her face, I already knew what was up. I slowly turn my head towards the ceiling and what do I see?

Yes... A gigantic cat poster that my Mom had appearantley just put up in my room before she left that day. :eek: I'm talking multiple Cats... Cat's everywhere in this thing. Just a gigantic poster of a bunch of fucking cats.

She starts laughing and I'm like Ok, John this is hugely embarrassing but just keep it cool, think of something. And out of my mouth comes the words... "Um, yeah... I like cats." Needless to say... I did not get laid that night.

And that, my friends... is the story of how I blew one of the biggest sexual opportunities of my life.

ahahahha

i would make up some bullshit about my little sibling kept wanting to put it up etc.
 
The only really bad first date I've ever had was an absolute disaster. I came in from my freshman year of college one weekend, and the girl babysitting my sister (let's call her Jane) was pretty cute. She was a senior in high school, we got to talking a bit, and I ended up getting her number. We talked once or twice on the phone, and she ends up asking me to her senior prom. I felt a bit weird going since I didn't know a single other person at her school, but I also knew I was going to need a good study break that weekend, so I decided to go and blow off some steam. I really should have trusted my instinct. She tells me we're supposed to go out for dinner with a group of people, so obviously I held off of eating. Well an hour and a half after she was supposed to pick me up, I'm about to pack my stuff and head back to my dorm when she shows up with a friend (let's call her Tammy, a good white trash stripper name). She tells me she's sorry they're late and that they already ate, so we could just head straight to the dance. I was starving by that point, so I said I needed to get a quick bite before we went and tried tried to convince them to just let me run grab some fast food, but they insisted we go to a "fancy restaurant." We end up at Chile's, and I feel like a complete jackass eating by myself while these two girls watched. I was trying to be a good sport and do what they wanted for the sake of the night, which in retrospect should have ended when they were late. The conversations were awkward, and most of the meal consisted of Tammy hitting on our waiter. I then find out that not only did Tammy not have a date, she didn't even go to the same damn school. It brought me to ask the awkward but inevitable question, "What are you doing here?" Jane said she wanted her best friend with her on her prom night. If it wasn't a certainty before, I knew for sure the rest of the night was going to be awful.

I was pissed, but I played along, thinking maybe it would pay off in the end. Before we head to the dance, we stop by Tammy's house because--despite being comfortably dressed and in public for over an hour--she didn't like the way her outfit looked. I agreed that it looked horrendous but kept my silence. We get inside, and they run into a room to try on dresses. I didn't even know where to sit because this house was fucking filthy. There was pet hair coating every piece of furniture, and I felt like I just snorted a few lines of high grade pollen. So Tammy's weirdo mom comes to keep me company for at least 30 minutes. This whack job started introducing me to all her pets--the most noteworthy being George Harrison Gerbil and Ringo Rabbit--using what she felt were cute voices for each intro. I was ready to bolt, but the girls come out the room. Tammy was dressed like a cheap hooker, but I didn't feel the need to say anything since I finally had a good excuse to get the holy hell away from that animal house.

Well we get to the dance, and apparently the school doesn't let girls wear dresses that cover less than a bathing suit, so we aren't allowed in--and by we, I mean Tammy only. Back to the funny farm we go. As they go back to change, her dad arrives home with Tammy's little 6th grade sister, who had just been caught fucking her boyfriend at his parents' house. I get to listen to a guy with a handlebar mustache, pony tail, cheap homemade tattoos, and a voice like Lou from Major League berate this little escort-in-training right in front of me. At this point I started working on a ride home, as I felt I was about to be a first hand witness to child abuse. I wasn't having much luck, and Jane and Tammy walk outside and found me hiding on the porch. Tammy is wearing the same fucking dress!!! I couldn't believe my eyes. They seem to think security would be wearing thin by this point in the night, so Tammy would be able to walk right in. I politely broke my silence and told her she needed to go find something that covered both her stomach and the lower half of her tits before we left because I wasn't making another trip back there. 4 phone calls with no luck later, and the girls are *finally* ready to leave.

I'm in the backseat of the car--debating whether I even wanted to wear a seat belt--when Jane sees her ex-boyfriend driving by. Of course she does. "Let's follow him!" I thought I was on a fucking hidden camera show. I'd only dated normal girls before (and after); so I couldn't believe this was reality. Anyways, the ex figures out who's behind him, and he takes off (presumably for dear life), only for Jane to stick her head out the window and drop a few swears and threats at the car as it sped off. Now the pre-party festivities were finally over, and it was time for the prom, which is maybe an hour and a half from ending.

We get back to the dance, and Tammy is up to code. We are maybe five steps through the door when Jane screams "OOOOOOH MYYYYYY GOD!!!" while running in place. I was embarrassed and even felt bad for her, which really says something given the misery she'd been dragging me through. She and Tammy darted off to a crowd of their friends, leaving me standing behind. The dance was only 3.5 miles from my parents' house, so at that point the walk was well worth it. I took straight to the street and was finally able to work out a ride home about a mile into my escape. I packed my bags and decided to drive home that night. I end up with a voice mail later saying, "I'm not sure why you ditched me on my prom night, but we're going to a party and I really want you to come, so pleeeease call me back!!!" She called maybe 4 or 5 times over the next week, but I had no intention of ever picking up the phone. I've never heard from her again, but I can only assume she now works the desk at a tanning salon during the day and waitresses at strip joints in the evenings. Tammy more than likely contracted HIV and was beaten dead by her pimp.

No Cliffs, spent too much time typing already.

that whole story is gold, but this part absolutely slayed me
 
I wish my date failures were hilarious rather than just moderately disappointing; maybe I'm screening out the crazies too hard and need to start on POF.

I love the stories though - I like to think that at least half of them are true.
 
we meet outside a DQ and there she was 5"7 130lbs and looked fine. until she opened her mouth, her teeth oh god her teeth were all clunky and slighty stained yellow with some gaps and what preceeded was her voice. a shrill heavy english accent which spoke with all the class of a duck.

I used to think British accents were sexy when I knew them from tv and shit... then I encountered a few in person and realized its typically that shrill suburban disgustingness you described. Boring yet accutely horrible at the same time
 
Was on a dating website...saw this girl who did go to my University.

Some texting etc..

She ask me to go for dinner at 12...I said ill prolly be drunk as I always take 3 shooter + 2 beer during the break of my Environment class... Oh well I got to the bar inside the Varsity.

I see some girl waiting...im like oh no there she his... She don't approach me or anything...

I go back to class...have a text...you are amazing...I said was it you...you look nice..lets go eat..

So I go eat to some restaurant...she pay the bill for me...invite me to a movie. Let's go...

Movie star...she's getting close etc...and tell me in the ear...my best quality is that i'm really tight...

I said to myself,,,I hope se becuz you have no tits...

Well nothing happened that day but she invite me over 2 days after....

She make a nice dinner...and after that she's all over me...

We kiss...she's sucking like a champ... and BAM....

she freaking bite me so hard im like WTF.... She get naked and I see the AMAZOn FOREST down there...she was tight...but not anymore after...

I get like 1000 text and emails and shes spying me every monday...My friend told her to let go...
My worse experience..
............................

Also in college...1st class of the year...im lsot...I see a girl who'se lost...we are in the same class. We get mix together randomly for some teamwork...she's a beayty and everything... She has a BF.

Next semester i see here...say hi but she's in a hurry...

2 weeks after I know she went on a trip...I ask here...what did you bring for me?

She said a full tan body...

My friend is like...she's all over you...being a piece of hit i said to myself she has a bf etc...

well 2 years after I call here after seeing his phone # in a book to met...

she said...I wanted to fuck you 2 years ago...now I have a kid etc...

!!!!!

WTF did I just read? Are you fucking borat?
 
that whole story is gold, but this part absolutely slayed me
Yeah, try keeping a straight face while it's happening. There was some serious, Shakespearian level of conflict going on in my head--whether to flee for safety or laugh uncontrollably, while fighting the urge to do either.
 
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