First date horror stories

[B0l0joe]

Decided to ask my friend's wife's sister out on a date back in the early 90's. We had Mexican food and I ordered the bean plate special since I was kinda strapped for cash at the time.

Got back to my friends house where she rented a room and low and behold her parents and older brother were there visiting. I sit on the big leather couch next to her and suddenly my stomach starts to rumbles and groan. There is no stopping the gas that is forming in my bowels so I try to cover the noise by scooting my ass on the couch...It kinda covers the noise but unfortunately the smell can't be concealed.

I excuse myself to the bathroom which is a total of about five feet away from where they are all sitting. I turn on the water faucet to full power hoping the running water just might cover up what I know is coming. I sit on the pot and carefully try to pass the conglomeration that has formed in my guts but it's of no use.... I blast out the loudest most obnoxious cacophony of rectal contents you could imagine.

From outside I hear her father say, "What the hell?" and her brother laughing while the mother said, "Shhhh you will hurt his feelings."

Knowing the gig was up I just plowed on through the rest of my dump knowing that any dignity I might have had was gone. The exiting of the bathroom was the biggest walk of shame I have ever taken and once I had returned to my seat the stench decided to follow me out like an old loyal dog.

It was our first and last date.

7 years later, thanks for the laugh.

 

[4daLuLZ]

I do have an oddball friend who's a serial self-cockblocker, though. It took him 4 different first dates before he realized that screening his date for a history of herpes and HPV wasn't the best dinner table, getting-to-know-you chat.

Im sorry but this just reached across the years to make me go.....

 

[Dr J]

The only really bad first date I've ever had was an absolute disaster. I came in from my freshman year of college one weekend, and the girl babysitting my sister (let's call her Jane) was pretty cute. She was a senior in high school, we got to talking a bit, and I ended up getting her number. We talked once or twice on the phone, and she ends up asking me to her senior prom. I felt a bit weird going since I didn't know a single other person at her school, but I also knew I was going to need a good study break that weekend, so I decided to go and blow off some steam. I really should have trusted my instinct. She tells me we're supposed to go out for dinner with a group of people, so obviously I held off of eating. Well an hour and a half after she was supposed to pick me up, I'm about to pack my stuff and head back to my dorm when she shows up with a friend (let's call her Tammy, a good white trash stripper name). She tells me she's sorry they're late and that they already ate, so we could just head straight to the dance. I was starving by that point, so I said I needed to get a quick bite before we went and tried tried to convince them to just let me run grab some fast food, but they insisted we go to a "fancy restaurant." We end up at Chile's, and I feel like a complete jackass eating by myself while these two girls watched. I was trying to be a good sport and do what they wanted for the sake of the night, which in retrospect should have ended when they were late. The conversations were awkward, and most of the meal consisted of Tammy hitting on our waiter. I then find out that not only did Tammy not have a date, she didn't even go to the same damn school. It brought me to ask the awkward but inevitable question, "What are you doing here?" Jane said she wanted her best friend with her on her prom night. If it wasn't a certainty before, I knew for sure the rest of the night was going to be awful.

I was pissed, but I played along, thinking maybe it would pay off in the end. Before we head to the dance, we stop by Tammy's house because--despite being comfortably dressed and in public for over an hour--she didn't like the way her outfit looked. I agreed that it looked horrendous but kept my silence. We get inside, and they run into a room to try on dresses. I didn't even know where to sit because this house was fucking filthy. There was pet hair coating every piece of furniture, and I felt like I just snorted a few lines of high grade pollen. So Tammy's weirdo mom comes to keep me company for at least 30 minutes. This whack job started introducing me to all her pets--the most noteworthy being George Harrison Gerbil and Ringo Rabbit--using what she felt were cute voices for each intro. I was ready to bolt, but the girls come out the room. Tammy was dressed like a cheap hooker, but I didn't feel the need to say anything since I finally had a good excuse to get the holy hell away from that animal house.

Well we get to the dance, and apparently the school doesn't let girls wear dresses that cover less than a bathing suit, so we aren't allowed in--and by we, I mean Tammy only. Back to the funny farm we go. As they go back to change, her dad arrives home with Tammy's little 6th grade sister, who had just been caught fucking her boyfriend at his parents' house. I get to listen to a guy with a handlebar mustache, pony tail, cheap homemade tattoos, and a voice like Lou from Major League berate this little escort-in-training right in front of me. At this point I started working on a ride home, as I felt I was about to be a first hand witness to child abuse. I wasn't having much luck, and Jane and Tammy walk outside and found me hiding on the porch. Tammy is wearing the same fucking dress!!! I couldn't believe my eyes. They seem to think security would be wearing thin by this point in the night, so Tammy would be able to walk right in. I politely broke my silence and told her she needed to go find something that covered both her stomach and the lower half of her tits before we left because I wasn't making another trip back there. 4 phone calls with no luck later, and the girls are *finally* ready to leave.

I'm in the backseat of the car--debating whether I even wanted to wear a seat belt--when Jane sees her ex-boyfriend driving by. Of course she does. "Let's follow him!" I thought I was on a fucking hidden camera show. I'd only dated normal girls before (and after); so I couldn't believe this was reality. Anyways, the ex figures out who's behind him, and he takes off (presumably for dear life), only for Jane to stick her head out the window and drop a few swears and threats at the car as it sped off. Now the pre-party festivities were finally over, and it was time for the prom, which is maybe an hour and a half from ending.

We get back to the dance, and Tammy is up to code. We are maybe five steps through the door when Jane screams "OOOOOOH MYYYYYY GOD!!!" while running in place. I was embarrassed and even felt bad for her, which really says something given the misery she'd been dragging me through. She and Tammy darted off to a crowd of their friends, leaving me standing behind. The dance was only 3.5 miles from my parents' house, so at that point the walk was well worth it. I took straight to the street and was finally able to work out a ride home about a mile into my escape. I packed my bags and decided to drive home that night. I end up with a voice mail later saying, "I'm not sure why you ditched me on my prom night, but we're going to a party and I really want you to come, so pleeeease call me back!!!" She called maybe 4 or 5 times over the next week, but I had no intention of ever picking up the phone. I've never heard from her again, but I can only assume she now works the desk at a tanning salon during the day and waitresses at strip joints in the evenings. Tammy more than likely contracted HIV and was beaten dead by her pimp.

No Cliffs, spent too much time typing already.

I’ve probably told this story a handful of times in my life, the last no doubt being when I posted this. I needed this laugh. Thanks for the bump, fellas!

 

[Dr J]

Im sorry but this just reached across the years to make me go.....

7 years later, and he’s still single.

 

[4daLuLZ]

Not horror but pretty bad:

I downloaded Tinder and Happn. Start talking with a girl in the second. 7/10 give or take.
Peruvian girl, living in Buenos Aires for 3/4 years. I told her I was living to France so it was pretty much stablished I wanted nothing serious.
We arranged a date and she told me about this huge bar where they have pool and ping pong tables (amongst other games). Why not? We met up (she went from a 7 to a 6/10.. nothing that bad).
We were about to enter to the place and she kind of hinted that wanted me to pay for his entrance (lmao). We ate something there (entrance was = food voucher) and went straight to ping pong.
Let me start by saying I can play pretty well so I didn't want to go too hard on her. I got my ass kicked lol. A little embarassing but not that bad.
We went to another bar. I'm a guy who makes anyone talk but she had nothing to say, super boring millenial hipster. I got a beer and she got a drink.
She asked me what was next and the obvious answer was my house. We took a cab to my place (she didn't even hinted at paying). In the cab the drinks started to have an effect on her and I was regretting the whole situation.
I live in a small but super clean and minimalistic apartment which everybody compliments. Well, she told me "oh, this is it? lol". I offered coffee and she only wanted water. 5 minutes after she sat on the bed and I was "ok... at least I'm having sex".
Fast forward.. We started going at it and she started moaning in english wtf? ("fuck me, oh shit..." and stuff like that) like some cheap porn movie. After 2 minutes she was done and asked me how long I had left. I told her "don't worry" and just went out.
After such a bizarre experience I was expecting her to go. Nope.. she told me "I'm sleepy" and before I realize she was fucking sleeping.
Around 6AM she woke up and asked me to take her to her house in an Uber (I don't have a car) because she does not like to go alone in Ubers. Cringiest 15 minutes of my life I swear to God. Could not wait to get to my house and wash the sheets.

We never spoke again.

You sound a bit of a douche there, buddy.

I mean fk, u had to pay for some pool n ping pong on a first date ? And a cab ?

Then she doesn’t admire your apartment, ok maybe not ideal, but that puts you off ?
She took water not coffee ? But if you had to give her coffee you’d probably bitch about it by saying she slaved you.

Her dirty talking in English, pretty standard n vanilla btw, also pisses you off.

And then after fucking you’re amazed she had the gall to sleep there and rest up for a bit ? Dude, either tell her fk off or don’t. But don’t expect her to fk you and then see herself out immediately like a common hooker. Courtesy, man. Learn it.

And then she has to go home....maybe work, maybe school, maybe whatever because somebody leaving at 6AM means they had some shit to do and you’re too much a broke ass to über her and escort her for safety.

Do you even man, bro ?

I’m all for telling bitches to go take a hike or beat it after I nut, but they gotta give me a reason.
Don’t see any here. Maybe she wasn’t ideal but it seems to me you’re bit of a pill to be around.

 

[SalvadorAllende]

You sound a bit of a douche there, buddy.

I mean fk, u had to pay for some pool n ping pong on a first date ? And a cab ?

Then she doesn’t admire your apartment, ok maybe not ideal, but that puts you off ?
She took water not coffee ? But if you had to give her coffee you’d probably bitch about it by saying she slaved you.

Her dirty talking in English, pretty standard n vanilla btw, also pisses you off.

And then after fucking you’re amazed she had the gall to sleep there and rest up for a bit ? Dude, either tell her fk off or don’t. But don’t expect her to fk you and then see herself out immediately like a common hooker. Courtesy, man. Learn it.

And then she has to go home....maybe work, maybe school, maybe whatever because somebody leaving at 6AM means they had some shit to do and you’re too much a broke ass to über her and escort her for safety.

Do you even man, bro ?

I’m all for telling bitches to go take a hike or beat it but they gotta give me a reason.
Don’t see any here. Maybe she wasn’t ideal but it seems to me you’re bit of a pill to be around.

She was kind of rude when we got to my apartment. You don't have to admire it... but you don't have to be rude about it. Maybe I wasn't clear in my first story. She acted like a complete jerk.
BTW in here you don't pay for women drinks or food. We always split the bill. She expected me to pay for everything and gave me a terrible look in the second bar for it (lol). I paid for all the taxis tho. She never even made an attempt to do it (didn't even fake it).

But it was my bad at the end of the day. I should have come home alone. I wasn't into her and she wasn't into me and we just slept together just for the sake of it.. which I hated myself for later.

I came back with a good date after that tho.

I had a similar date with another girl a few months later and I had no problem with her staying, taking a shower, sleeping with me and making her breakfast the next day before she went to work. It was actually nice despite being a 1 night stand.

 

[MoneyGun]

Whenever people say this, I assume those are the actual, real names they're using.

Because you'd expect it to be any name BUT those names.

Because of the implication.

 

[4daLuLZ]

She was kind of rude when we got to my apartment. You don't have to admire it... but you don't have to be rude about it. Maybe I wasn't clear in my first story. She acted like a complete jerk.
BTW in here you don't pay for women drinks or food. We always split the bill. She expected me to pay for everything and gave me a terrible look in the second bar for it (lol). I paid for all the taxis tho. She never even made an attempt to do it (didn't even fake it).

But it was my bad at the end of the day. I should have come home alone. I wasn't into her and she wasn't into me and we just slept together just for the sake of it.. which I hated myself for later.

I came back with a good date after that tho.

I had a similar date with another girl a few months later and I had no problem with her staying, taking a shower, sleeping with me and making her breakfast the next day before she went to work. It was actually nice despite being a 1 night stand.

 

[Lone Coyote]

Decided to ask my friend's wife's sister out on a date back in the early 90's. We had Mexican food and I ordered the bean plate special since I was kinda strapped for cash at the time.

Got back to my friends house where she rented a room and low and behold her parents and older brother were there visiting. I sit on the big leather couch next to her and suddenly my stomach starts to rumbles and groan. There is no stopping the gas that is forming in my bowels so I try to cover the noise by scooting my ass on the couch...It kinda covers the noise but unfortunately the smell can't be concealed.

I excuse myself to the bathroom which is a total of about five feet away from where they are all sitting. I turn on the water faucet to full power hoping the running water just might cover up what I know is coming. I sit on the pot and carefully try to pass the conglomeration that has formed in my guts but it's of no use.... I blast out the loudest most obnoxious cacophony of rectal contents you could imagine.

From outside I hear her father say, "What the hell?" and her brother laughing while the mother said, "Shhhh you will hurt his feelings."

Knowing the gig was up I just plowed on through the rest of my dump knowing that any dignity I might have had was gone. The exiting of the bathroom was the biggest walk of shame I have ever taken and once I had returned to my seat the stench decided to follow me out like an old loyal dog.

It was our first and last date.

Seriously, I read this thread once a year, and each time I read this one, I can't help but laugh at it.

Thanks for sharing!

 

[ThaiSexPills]

One time, a profile messaged me on POF with an interesting bio, it said body type fit but listed no pics.

she was a good conversationalist and I was lonely in a new city and bored so I chatted with her for a day and she showed me what she looked like.. really pretty. Tall, slim, red head.

I went on a couple of dates with her and we really hit it off. Then she invited me over and for some reason, I was too star struck or dumb to catch the cues that she wanted to have sex with me. She literally took her shirt off in front of me before I thought “hmm, maybe this girl wants to sleep with me”.

anyways, I did then and a lot after because we dated for 3-4 months until I moved 4000km away. We kept in touch for awhile but eventually fell out of touch.

All because I answered A blank profile.. hmm



oh yeah and bonus story. I matched on tinder with this girl in like 2013 when I was in an oilfield town, working. I knew nobody and was lonely and bored so I went out on a date with her. In her pics, she looked very cute. In person, she was still really cute with a slim figure except for one thing - she had a huge pot belly.

I was too embarrassed to ask if she was pregnant so I asked her if she wanted to have a few drinks. It was then that she told me she was 7 months pregnant.

The worst part? I still slept with her. Somewhere, some child was born with a black eye. I was only in the area temporarily so I had a good exit strategy anyways.

 

[JbModest]

This story made me laugh and puke at the same time.

 

[Oris79]

Years ago I took this girl I met through a mutual friend on a date to an nice Italian Restaurant. She was cute but shy. I was struggling to get the conversation flowing because she only responded with one-word answers. I stopped asking questions and after a few minutes of awkward silence the waiter brought over bread with olive oil. I picked up a slice and dipped it and she goes, "That's really disgusting. You should take a spoon and spread it."

I didn't say anything but obliged to her request. She finally got around to asking what I like to do for fun. At one point I mentioned how I enjoy a cigar once in a while. She said really loud, "Stop talking !" I froze and she literally puts her face in her hands and starts crying. I asked what was wrong and she goes, "My father died of lung cancer and he was a smoker !" I didn't know what to say but "I'm sad for your loss." and she gets pissed and says, "Well, you smoking cigars is very irresponsible. Take me home !"

Holy crap the drive home was strange - she kept on crying and telling me how she hates our mutual friend for not telling her I smoked cigars on occasion. I dropped her off and she said, "Don't call me" and got out and left.

 

[Halifax]

Years ago I took this girl I met through a mutual friend on a date to an nice Italian Restaurant. She was cute but shy. I was struggling to get the conversation flowing because she only responded with one-word answers. I stopped asking questions and after a few minutes of awkward silence the waiter brought over bread with olive oil. I picked up a slice and dipped it and she goes, "That's really disgusting. You should take a spoon and spread it."

I didn't say anything but obliged to her request. She finally got around to asking what I like to do for fun. At one point I mentioned how I enjoy a cigar once in a while. She said really loud, "Stop talking !" I froze and she literally puts her face in her hands and starts crying. I asked what was wrong and she goes, "My father died of lung cancer and he was a smoker !" I didn't know what to say but "I'm sad for your loss." and she gets pissed and says, "Well, you smoking cigars is very irresponsible. Take me home !"

Holy crap the drive home was strange - she kept on crying and telling me how she hates our mutual friend for not telling her I smoked cigars on occasion. I dropped her off and she said, "Don't call me" and go out and left.

That's not shy. That's crazy mate. Bullet dodged

If she is a complaining bitch on the first date when girls usually put on a facade and act agreeable, imagine what misery awaited you if you tapped her lol

 

[Halifax]

One time, a profile messaged me on POF with an interesting bio, it said body type fit but listed no pics.

she was a good conversationalist and I was lonely in a new city and bored so I chatted with her for a day and she showed me what she looked like.. really pretty. Tall, slim, red head.

I went on a couple of dates with her and we really hit it off. Then she invited me over and for some reason, I was too star struck or dumb to catch the cues that she wanted to have sex with me. She literally took her shirt off in front of me before I thought “hmm, maybe this girl wants to sleep with me”.

anyways, I did then and a lot after because we dated for 3-4 months until I moved 4000km away. We kept in touch for awhile but eventually fell out of touch.

All because I answered A blank profile.. hmm



oh yeah and bonus story. I matched on tinder with this girl in like 2013 when I was in an oilfield town, working. I knew nobody and was lonely and bored so I went out on a date with her. In her pics, she looked very cute. In person, she was still really cute with a slim figure except for one thing - she had a huge pot belly.

I was too embarrassed to ask if she was pregnant so I asked her if she wanted to have a few drinks. It was then that she told me she was 7 months pregnant.

The worst part? I still slept with her. Somewhere, some child was born with a black eye. I was only in the area temporarily so I had a good exit strategy anyways.

Did you rawdog her? I did when I was dating a girl who was only 2 months pregnant lol.

Somehow we become stupid and say "well, she's already pregnant, I can bust a nut inside her consequence free", forgetting there may be other consequences. I'm actually amazed I never got an STI given how careless I was in my 20s and early 30s. A lot of my friends just thought the clap was occupational hazard to having fun. But condoms are like eating a candy without taking the wrapper off.

 

[Gandulf]

Shit... I got too many

I lived in a shitty city in Belgium where chicks were passed around like joints at a Bob Marley concert. Plenty of skanks are rarely anything worth even banging. I dated outside my city.

One day I started talking to this blonde girl, she was hot asf, had total pornstar looks and was super cool. We decided to have a date and I took her to a Mexican restaurant where I knew the owners. The date was cool and the conversation evolved into what's the freakiest thing I did. She confessed me one day she was horny and had no one around to fuck as she lived in a small village, she decided to let the dog have a go. I can stomach many things but I've got limits. When she went to the bathroom I covered the bill and bounced and blocked her. I was disgusted for weeks.

-

I met this French chick in my shop, she came to get tattooed (I had a skateshop together with a friend who ran the tattoo part). We exchanged numbers and a few days later we set a day to go to a hotel. I go check her facebook and see her status "I can't wait to be pregnant again". Well, I disappeared in a cloud of smoke like Batman.

-

I met an awesome artist chick at a concert. She was amazing, physically, but also very intelligent and kind. We dated a bit, talked a lot. I could have wifed this chick. Anyway, one night we are walking in Ghent, and I tell her let's go this way, otherwise we need to cross the red light district (it's like the windows in Amsterdam), and she says she never seen the red light district, so I tell her, well, let's go. Anyway, we walk through the district and suddenly a hooker opens the door and yells "Gandulf, Gandulf" which left me totally embarrassed. But I'm like a deer in headlights and the worst is yet to come. She yells at me me "can you get me some cocaine" and the whole fucking street was looking at me. One of my friends was selling drugs in that neighbourhood and she seemed to have associated me with him, plus I look super easy to recognise and I have a very specific name. I didn't even bother to explain it to her, would have only made things worse.

-

I also ate a bad kebab once and shat in a girls bed and bounced.

 

[ThaiSexPills]

Did you rawdog her? I did when I was dating a girl who was only 2 months pregnant lol.

Somehow we become stupid and say "well, she's already pregnant, I can bust a nut inside her consequence free", forgetting there may be other consequences. I'm actually amazed I never got an STI given how careless I was in my 20s and early 30s. A lot of my friends just thought the clap was occupational hazard to having fun. But condoms are like eating a candy without taking the wrapper off.

No way bro, I didn’t want to get her more pregnant and then have to support her twins!

 

[RoastBeast]

Met this cougar online years ago. Nice face. Tig o bits. Met her at this old school pizza joint for a drink.

As I'm walking up to the place, I'm just like I hope that fat bitch ain't it. She was it. I was like fuck this is way worse than I could have imagined. She was fat, had no idea how to do her makeup and looked like she dabbled in meth.

We sit down at a booth and she's looking bath and forth and wiping her nose randomly. I'm like yeah she's definitely a tweaker. She talked pretty normal and there wasn't anything glaringly strange about what she said. I was just already done with the whole mess based on her appearance and tweakerness alone.

I'm pounding my beer as fast as possible so I can gtfo out of there. I excuse myself to the bathroom and when I come back, she comes and sits next to me on my side of the table and puts her head on my shoulder and starts holding me. I still remember this dude my age at a table with his family looking over at me like "wtf bro?" and I'm looking at him like "save me".

So I'm like lets get out of here. We go outside and I give her a quick hug goodbye and she's like hold up aren't you gonna walk me to my car? I'm like alright fine. Of course we walk up to the 92 Tercel that has bungee cords holding the trunk down. She plops her purse on the trunk and tells me she wants to show me something. She proceeds to pull out a giant black dildo that's like a foot long. This thing is like flopping around in public as she's handling it and she's like "you wanna use this on me?". I didn't want to be rude so I was like uhhh yeah next time.

She blew my phone up after that trying to get me to come over. I wound up telling her I had cancer and didn't have long to live and she finally left me alone.

 

[Halifax]

Met a girl at common hang out for U of Miami students, Cocowalk for those that know the area. Surprised as hell I even got the time with this one girl, she was a psych major dealing is speech development for kids, I'm 5' 8" and this girl was about 5' 11" from Venezuela. I was wearing a Pittsburgh Penguins shirt and she tells me how she's never been to a hockey game, so I ask.

Night of the game I pick her up, less than a half mile away from her place my car dies, my battery died and it was too late to get a new one. We walk back to her place and get her car. Because of this we don't have time to eat so we just drive to the game and I buy her some food there. She ends up driving back to her place, nice little two story town house. She tells me "you can sleep in the bed with me, but no funny business". I agree, one thing leads to another and funny business ensues. Note to any woman, don't invite a horny guy into your bed with you half naked and expect "no funny business", or you will not get one minute of sleep the entire night.

In the morning she asks if I want to go with her to get some arepas for breakfast. I say no, she decides to go get some anyways. So I fall back asleep. All a sudden I hear a bunch of voices almost all are male. One real deep voice yells out "Jennifer" which is the girls name. I hear footsteps come up the stairs, no sooner I look at her dresser and see a family photo, this girl was 5' 11" I see her dad in the picture is at least 6" taller than her. I make a mad dash for the bathroom and hope he doesn't have to go. Guy opens the bedroom door and again says "Jennifer?" then leaves and closes the door. About 30 minutes later the girl comes home, she doesn't come up stairs for a long time.

Finally she comes up stairs all nervous, she tells me downstairs is her dad, two uncles, two male cousins and the two cousins' wives, one of which is pregnant. The pregnant girl's mother and grandmother were flying in from Venezuela that day so they decided to have an impromptu baby shower and her mother and about a dozen more people including grandma and the mom were going to be there within the hour.

So I'm stuck in this girl's bedroom for basically the whole day, she occasionally snuck me food she wrapped in napkins and stuffed in her pocket and I was drinking water from the bathroom sink. She and I called it my "Anne Frank" experience.

As things turned out, after everyone left her dad decides he's too tired to drive home so he falls asleep on the couch. I end up climbing out of the second story window and jump down on some bushes to make my escape. I make my way all scraped up and bleeding from the bushes to find an auto store buy a battery and walk to my car.

I usually read 3-4 pages of this thread when the mood to laugh strikes and this is the first time I remember reading this one. I laughed really hard LOL

 

[I Am Legion]

I once took a girl out who showed up with tears in her eyes. She admits she has IBS when she is nervous. She spent have the date in the toilet. I wasn't going downtown for sure, but I still got a BJ.

 

[Halifax]

Honestly I think it's surprisingly baller to be singing along to N'Sync whilst getting blown. Seems like something Patrick Bateman would do if he were 90's

I'm still the only guy I know who got a blowjob while fighting omega weapon in final fantasy 8 lol

That same girl once just randomly pulled my pants down and started blowing me while I was talking to a friend on an old school phone with a cord. She was big into the whole spontaneous thing, but I look back at some of the times and think it's fucking weird now